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Original poster

Do I still leave this bloke a thank you present for having me??

107 replies

Animalism · 30/05/2022 07:22

Regular poster, NC! A very new man invited me to spend the weekend (he lives somewhere nice). I knew him a bit previously for a while through work so was happy to go.

Had a good time, did my own thing a lot as he was in work part of the time so not too full on. He's working today, early start so I won't see him.

I was planning to leave him a present and note to say thanks for having me. He's been generous and paid for my ticket as a bit of an impromptu surprise.

However, last night in bed he snapped at me for something that genuinely didn't deserve it. I decided to sleep in the spare room. I didn't make a scene but don't feel comfortable sharing a bed with someone I don't know well who has just told me off like a kid (he didn't shout or anything was just very shitty).

I won't be seeing him again, he turned out to be a monologuer and talked over me a lot, didn't seem interested in anything I had to say. Was dismissive about several points I did make.

He's paid for maybe 4 or 5 meals, he insisted, plus my ticket. He's well off so this won't have left him skint.

What would be the right/ polite thing to do here, should I still leave him something to say thanks/ send a text? I promise that the thing he had a go about didn't justify snapping.

OP posts:
FinallyHere · 30/05/2022 10:41

tbh he paid for me and invited me because he wanted me here, then tbh as soon as we had spent a couple of nights together he turns into a petty sod.

This is a pretty common type of person who wants to have a relationship entirely on his own terms. He is not afraid of using grumpiness to keep you in line.

My advice would be to avoid at all costs.

Some people are entirely happy to have a relationship on these terms and enjoy the lifestyle etc they could not otherwise afford.

It wouldn't work for me.

Begoniasforever · 30/05/2022 10:48

Is it not quite odd to have what is basically a first date as a whole weekend and sex? And he pays for you? It feels a lot for a first date.

Carlycat · 30/05/2022 10:53

I'd personally get out with no contact and block

Sunnygirl1 · 30/05/2022 11:17

Сould I ask what made him snap?

Instead of giving him a 'thank you' present would probably talk to him about basic respect & manners and why he thought it was acceptable to talk to you like that and why he hasn't apologized. Too proud?

Original poster
Animalism · 30/05/2022 11:31

Not a first date, just early days but having known him slightly previously so not a total stranger to go and visit. We hadn't stayed over before.

He would definitely be too proud to apologise- the way he was going on about work (his main topic of conversation), it's his way or no way.

Haha certainly no crisp crumbs in the bed, that I could understand! I got out of bed and went to the loo at night, he was awake and speaking to me so I didn't disturb him. He had a go at me for making too much noise and for closing the bathroom door. I promise I did not slam it or bang it or make a racket in any way, just the handle.closing must've been audible to him and he saw fit to tell me off for this and that I should leave it open. It was a bit weird. I hadn't been going around his house crashing into things or anything.

OP posts:
ChaToilLeam · 30/05/2022 11:37

You owe him nothing. A brief word of thanks would be more than sufficient. What a petty, self-involved twat he sounds. I suppose it is fortunate that his true colours showed so early.

alwaysmovingforwards · 30/05/2022 11:58

Fuckitydoodah · 30/05/2022 07:41

I'd send a text once I was home thanking him for his hospitality and leave it at that.

Likewise.

FictionalCharacter · 30/05/2022 11:59

Listen to @DFOD who has made some excellent points.
Just drop him, don’t give him a present and certainly not money!
You don’t owe him any kind of polite appeasement.

DFOD · 30/05/2022 12:37

Animalism · 30/05/2022 09:21

Nah I won't be accepting a lift, I don't need one.

DFOD I agree that he was out of order and churlish, I would never have told off such a short term guest (like I say, especially when they had genuinely not done anything). Just didn't want to give the impression he had been threatening or violent as it wasn't the case.

But yeah. He knows.

The temptation to be polite etc is very strong but tbh he paid for me and invited me because he wanted me here, then tbh as soon as we had spent a couple of nights together he turns into a petty sod. Thanks for the input, all. I definitely won't be leaving a present.

Is threatening and violent your red line then? I am just pushing you to look at your boundaries - is being churlish, out of order and telling someone off - not just acceptable behaviour but one deserving thanks and a gift?

Have a think about that.

He sounds like a tedious, overbearing, dominating, short-fused, bullying bore.

Nothing less than polite, pleasant and kind is acceptable behaviour with anyone - colleague, family, friend, neighbour, lover

Original poster
Animalism · 30/05/2022 15:28

Well no, but I have experience of that, quite a bit, so verbal dickishness doesn't feel too much in comparison. I also have a mortal fear of 'making a fuss'! I find myself having quite a fee of these experiences where nothing absolutely awful happens, but it's going well until they cross a line. Makes me wonder why it happens and if I cause it.

OP posts:
40andlols · 30/05/2022 15:51

What he paid for or didn't it for is irrelevant. Unless he said "if i pay for this i expect you to let me be rude to you" and you agreed?

thought not!

he wasn't very hospitable was he? maybe he paid for stuff but he was rude. so what are you actually thanking him for?

I would send a text (definitely no present) thanking him for "dinner" or "drinks" or whatever, the actual specific things he paid for but not the non existent "hospitality" or "a nice time" or whatever. Then say you didn't appreciate the way he spoke to you about x,y,z and that you don't wish to spend time with him again. then "Take care"

then block and move on

pilates · 30/05/2022 16:02

I wouldn’t send a present or text. Move on.

OldStyleIntroductions · 30/05/2022 16:08

This gets worse! He got shirty with you because you closed the bathroom door when you went to the toilet?! He was awake, so you weren't disturbing him, but he wanted the door open?

The only reasons I can imagine for him wanting to hear/see you on the toilet are sexual ones. Please don't leave this person a gift and please don't thank him for treating you like a paid for escort for the weekend.

40andlols · 30/05/2022 16:21

Animalism · 30/05/2022 15:28

Well no, but I have experience of that, quite a bit, so verbal dickishness doesn't feel too much in comparison. I also have a mortal fear of 'making a fuss'! I find myself having quite a fee of these experiences where nothing absolutely awful happens, but it's going well until they cross a line. Makes me wonder why it happens and if I cause it.

I think we all need to make much more of a fuss in general - something i'm trying ti be much better at myself!

Pinkbonbon · 30/05/2022 16:52

Sounds like a narcissist or similar.

If leave a wee note to say thanks for having me 'even though things didn't work out'.

and then block him once I'd left.

DatingDinosaur · 30/05/2022 18:45

Is it just me that finds it weird and a bit creepy that a “very new” man paid for someone to stay over at his house whilst he works? (I know OP that you said you’ve known him a while but even so, as a new dating prospect, too much too soon springs to mind).

I may be living up to my username after all 🤐

Apart from that, as others have said, a quick card/note saying thanks for the hospitality but you can’t see it working out is all that’s needed. No need to thank him for having you though 😲😆

Your boundaries are discovering/knowing he’s not the right guy for you and acting accordingly (ie. ending the relationship). Manners cost nothing so a thank you note is a polite thing to do. I don't see it as meaning you’re backing down on your decision or lowering your boundaries.

It would be interesting to know if he pulls the “but I paid for everything” card to try and guilt you into changing your mind though. If he does, that’s when I’d be saying I didn’t like the way I was spoken to/treated (his opportunity to apologise? But even so..). Chances are though, if he got laid, he won’t.

Comedycook · 30/05/2022 18:48

I wouldn't have left a gift even if it had gone well to be honest.

Ponderingwindow · 30/05/2022 18:51

A thank you gift is for when you are a houseguest. You were sleeping in his bed. You weren’t a houseguest.

FartNRoses · 30/05/2022 19:16

Oh I think you should leave him a present.
A nice turd in his toilet.

Original poster
Animalism · 30/05/2022 20:30

Feel a bit down now. When we arranged this it felt really romantic and spontaneous then he's just turned out to be a bit of a dick.

The reason for going while he was working (not full days) was that I am going on holiday then he is so it was about making it happen beforehand, but the only possible weekend he had to work some of the time.

I think him paying for the ticket was because it's quite a long journey, so that I wouldn't be spending time as well as money on the travel.

Not saying I expected it to be the love of my life, but I didn't expect it to go sour so quickly 😒

The last 2 blokes I've been with rapidly went weird too- one started putting me down, and got slightly physical, and one showed me something inappropriate. Nothing to suggest this from meeting them. I wonder whether I cause them to behave oddly, or whether I overreact to things others would ignore. they just seemed completely normal amd nice so I wouldn't say I just have dreadful taste. My friends don't have so many stories like this.

OP posts:
Original poster
Animalism · 30/05/2022 20:33

FartNRoses · 30/05/2022 19:16

Oh I think you should leave him a present.
A nice turd in his toilet.

Haha with the door open, of course

OP posts:
Original poster
Animalism · 30/05/2022 20:38

I think him paying for the ticket was because it's quite a long journey, so that I wouldn't be spending time as well as money on the travel

Actually no that's my thought process, I don't know if he thought that. Just not a lot of money for him.

OP posts:
40andlols · 30/05/2022 20:47

Animalism · 30/05/2022 20:30

Feel a bit down now. When we arranged this it felt really romantic and spontaneous then he's just turned out to be a bit of a dick.

The reason for going while he was working (not full days) was that I am going on holiday then he is so it was about making it happen beforehand, but the only possible weekend he had to work some of the time.

I think him paying for the ticket was because it's quite a long journey, so that I wouldn't be spending time as well as money on the travel.

Not saying I expected it to be the love of my life, but I didn't expect it to go sour so quickly 😒

The last 2 blokes I've been with rapidly went weird too- one started putting me down, and got slightly physical, and one showed me something inappropriate. Nothing to suggest this from meeting them. I wonder whether I cause them to behave oddly, or whether I overreact to things others would ignore. they just seemed completely normal amd nice so I wouldn't say I just have dreadful taste. My friends don't have so many stories like this.

are there earlier signs you're missing that your friends are seeing earlier and not putting up with?

this is something i'm really reflecting on right now as i've taken a break from men entirely.

When i've been thinking about the kinds of situations you're describing, of which i've been in many! there were always things i looked past. I bet if you really think about it you should have never even been on that trip.

MuchoMistrust · 30/05/2022 20:49

Animalism · 30/05/2022 20:30

Feel a bit down now. When we arranged this it felt really romantic and spontaneous then he's just turned out to be a bit of a dick.

The reason for going while he was working (not full days) was that I am going on holiday then he is so it was about making it happen beforehand, but the only possible weekend he had to work some of the time.

I think him paying for the ticket was because it's quite a long journey, so that I wouldn't be spending time as well as money on the travel.

Not saying I expected it to be the love of my life, but I didn't expect it to go sour so quickly 😒

The last 2 blokes I've been with rapidly went weird too- one started putting me down, and got slightly physical, and one showed me something inappropriate. Nothing to suggest this from meeting them. I wonder whether I cause them to behave oddly, or whether I overreact to things others would ignore. they just seemed completely normal amd nice so I wouldn't say I just have dreadful taste. My friends don't have so many stories like this.

STOP!!

The shitty behaviour from these men is absolutely not your fault Flowers

Original poster
Animalism · 30/05/2022 22:28

40andlols · 30/05/2022 20:47

are there earlier signs you're missing that your friends are seeing earlier and not putting up with?

this is something i'm really reflecting on right now as i've taken a break from men entirely.

When i've been thinking about the kinds of situations you're describing, of which i've been in many! there were always things i looked past. I bet if you really think about it you should have never even been on that trip.

Show quote history

In some cases yes definitely. The one who put me down etc yes. It's not that I missed signs, I just gave him a couple of chances. It just happened quickly. Same with another who physically pushed me around. And others. I think I need to be more 'one strike' but then I wonder if I'm being too reactive.

OP posts: