Do I still leave this bloke a thank you present for having me??

[Animalism]

Regular poster, NC! A very new man invited me to spend the weekend (he lives somewhere nice). I knew him a bit previously for a while through work so was happy to go.

Had a good time, did my own thing a lot as he was in work part of the time so not too full on. He's working today, early start so I won't see him.

I was planning to leave him a present and note to say thanks for having me. He's been generous and paid for my ticket as a bit of an impromptu surprise.

However, last night in bed he snapped at me for something that genuinely didn't deserve it. I decided to sleep in the spare room. I didn't make a scene but don't feel comfortable sharing a bed with someone I don't know well who has just told me off like a kid (he didn't shout or anything was just very shitty).

I won't be seeing him again, he turned out to be a monologuer and talked over me a lot, didn't seem interested in anything I had to say. Was dismissive about several points I did make.

He's paid for maybe 4 or 5 meals, he insisted, plus my ticket. He's well off so this won't have left him skint.

What would be the right/ polite thing to do here, should I still leave him something to say thanks/ send a text? I promise that the thing he had a go about didn't justify snapping.

Agree with this /\

Also your comment:

”I wonder whether I cause them to behave oddly, or whether I overreact to things others would ignore.”

No your UNDER REACT.

Anyone with healthy balanced reciprocal boundaries would have found his behaviour unacceptable - not considered whether they should reward it with a gift?

Did you notice the monologuing before - or just when in person?

Don’t feel down - feel proud that you thought this was off - you took action and you asked for advice. I expect this is new for you and you are starting to know your self worth, trust you gut (anything that leaves you “confused” is a red flag - don’t bother trying to work it out - it’s “off” it’s only your social conditioning that is telling your to downgrade your red flag alert to a confusion). Be relieved that you haven’t wasted any heart / headspace / emotional capacity / time to this donkey.

Don’t tolerate nonsense.

That’s it - “one strike”.

This is not too reactive - it’s appropriate.

As everyone says on here - when someone shows you who they are the first time - take action.

It takes practice. in the past i've seen a red flag and thought... hmm.. i'll keep an eye on it and see what happens. wrong!!!

sounds a bit batshit but i've started a list of red flags/ non-negotiables/ boundaries and im building on it while i figure it all out and feel ready to date again

Are we really thanking boring, snappy men for a weekend where he's snapped and been grumpy? Is this here women are setting the bar?

And to consider a gift!

I'd be blocking him. Or maybe sending a text saying it was clear nothing would come of it but all the best

I wouldn't be leaving gifts or saying thank you. Thanks for what? Having a go at you like you're a teenager making too much noise so mum has to tell you off?

Far from batshit - this is bang on and will minimise time wasted with losers & abusers.

Cut to the chase.

100%.

As another PP said just because he paid for a few bits doesn’t entitle him to belittle and demean you - who taught you that lesson?

Get tough lady - know your worth!

You said you wanted to " make it happen" before you both went on holiday? I think maybe don't rush the " making things happen" to someone else's timeliness, then you might find out if someone is a dick before anything physical happens.

If somone you don't know well, offers to pay for a flight to see them and meals out for the weekend, it's not romantic, it's setting a clear expectation that sex will happen. It shows he views relationships as transactional, probably because he knows he has the means and relies on that rather than having any redeeming qualities.
There are people who are quite happy with a transactional relationship, but if this is not how you operate, it was unwise to accept the trip. The downside to this way, is that you are expected to put up with shitty behaviour because of all the other things they have done for you or given you, this leaves you wide open for putting up with abuse.
Better to find someone who is on an equal financial footing and share life's costs. He is trying to buy affection, there is nothing romantic about that.

That's the first boundary push. I wish I'd left my last ex after the first one and not been broken down by many more. I'm autistic and find it hard to read neurotypical behaviour at the best of times. I had something very, very similar happen - went to get a glass of water and got told off for being too noisy even though he was already awake and all I did was turn on the tap and get a glass. I remember how crushed and how small I felt to be spoken to like that after being intimate. And then he happened again. And again. And it got more and more frequent until he was basically always talking to me as if I were an idiot, and I started to believe it.

I think you did great in getting out so early. He showed his true colours.

You have to ask yourself why you would want to buy a present for someone who made you feel unhappy, and that you never want to see them again?
What sort of a message does that send to him?

Given that you slept with him, I'd say that's enough of a thank you present. I wouldn't be giving a gift for someone I'd slept with- that's a thanks for let me crash platonically at your place thing, not a we had a weekend and they possible relationship won't work for me thing (personally)

No, don't thank people who treat you badly. x

You don't cause anything, there are a lot of dickheads around unfortunately.

Best to leave staying at theirs for several days until you've been on a few shorter dates, where you can leave more easily if they turn out not to be ok.

Definitely give less strikes. There are plenty of men in this world, so you can afford to bin dodgy/unpleasant ones.

@Overthewine

Shut your nasty, misogynistic, ill informed mouth.

pixie5121 so sorry for your experiences.

I remember how crushed and how small I felt to be spoken to like that after being intimate this is exactly it. It felt very belittling, as in, I've come all the way to see you, you wanted to sleep with me, I'm only here one more night and you would rather find something to have a go about than be happy I'm here??

I'd probably send a physical thank you for having me card. I'd keep the design neutral, not cute, funny or floral. I wouldn't put my address on it. A thank you text invites a conversation. If you get a text, email or WhatsApp back about it, then you can shut that down with a "NP, thanks again." No thank you at all seems a bit much for a low level snapping after being hosted for a weekend visit (date/shag or not), and can be quite common when someone is a bit tired or stressed, although it's up to you depending exactly how outside your boundaries the snapping at you was and how unreasonable it actually was.

Oh gosh OP - move on!

He sounds like these legions of men who have spent so much time alone that they literally can't adjust to interacting intimately with another human being.

Embrace the 'normals' and move on. You sound far better than that!

Never thank anyone for belittling you and being hostile - even if he had flown you to the moon and stars that doesn’t pay for or negate his bad behaviour.

You owe him nothing but you owe to yourself to walk, block, never look back.

Thanks! Yes onwards!

I think that's exactly it, he's not an evil fella but very set in his ways and self centred.

In answer to a couple of others- he's not a billionaire or anything, just in a well paid job. There's not a vast imbalance. I only mentioned the detail about him being solvent in case it made a difference to answers that the weekend would not have been a significant sum of money for him.

I am certainly not a call girl. I don't think he sees me that way either. I was perfectly happy to sleep with him and actually really enjoyed most of the weekend being in the beautiful location. He was fine for a fair bit of it too. I just started noticing over time that his monologuing, offhandedness etc was recurring and thought 'no ta'. Obv his behaviour the last night wasn't acceptable to me. He wasn't a prince but I have no reason to think he went into this with a mindset of procuring an escort.

All an experience that has helped me work on my boundaries. I appreciate all the input.

Have you heard from him since you left OP?

Agree that you should reimburse him for your share of expenditure.

I'm no prude but maybe not trading sex for a weekend getaway with a near-stranger would be a good start. Especially a self-centered monologuer. Could he not have hosted you sans sexual expectations?

He wanted you to use the toilet with no privacy???

I'm no prude but maybe not trading sex for a weekend getaway with a near-stranger would be a good start. Especially a self-centered monologuer. Could he not have hosted you sans sexual expectations?

I don't know why OP is getting such a hard time hear with all the accusations for trading the many paying for a train ticket and a few meals in exchange for sex???

It wasn't their first date and she's known him a while. There were been previous dates and he invited her to his home and they had consensual sex that she presumably wanted (before she seen a different side to him)

I recently started dating someone, 5th date in and he invited me to a meal at a restaurant on his side of town. When talking about logistics of me getting there, he said "you could always drive over and stay the night" - I wasn't naive enough to think he wasn't hoping we'd end up sleeping together but I was happy with that

We went out for dinner and he paid. I then ended up staying at his the whole weekend? Does that make me an escort??

• the man paying for a train ticket

There was no exchange of sex for anything. We wanted to see each other last weekend and there was no way for him to come to me or meet in the middle due to work so he invited me to his. I was happy to go and spend time exploring when he was at work. He offered to pay when we looked at tickets. I accepted, reasoning that I was putting the travel time in so it was fair. If the relationship had progressed then that would have evened itself out over time, but for the first visit, I appreciated the gesture. I offered to pay/ split the bill at each meal. He declined. This was not any type of transaction. Sex did not happen on the first night, and when it did, was totally consensual and equal.

He wasn't partner material for me, which became apparent, and of course it didn't feel great to be told off by a man I was getting to know romantically and physically, but this trip doesn't make him some kind of punter or me some kind of sex worker. It was a fling that didn't work out.

St0bb he messaged to ask again if I wanted a lift. Later he checked I had got home safe. I responded being brief but civil. He followed that with some heart/ kissing emojis which I didn't respond to. I left a very brief note at his to say thanks for his hospitality (rather than a text leading to conversation) but absolutely nothing more than that. No present. I'm happy to have squared it away knowing that I've shown manners without being excessive.

I am glad you found your boundary and were comfortable putting it in assertively.

You have thought through in detail how he made you feel and you know it was belittling and you have walked away quickly which is a good job done well.