Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Adult Daughter expected to do more than the son?

122 replies

Helpgivemesomeperspective · 29/05/2022 21:43

I have name changed for this as I have friends on MN and I think they’ll recognize this.

I just want to preface this by saying we are both (me and my brother) in our 30s. I am older than him.

My mum needs help getting the house ready for the cleaner tomorrow. She asked me to go over to her house and help.

My brother is between jobs so is living with her full time but even though he’s already there, he cannot help as he has ‘gaming commitments’ so is totally unavailable and must not be disturbed.

She asked me why I was so resentful when she needs help and I explained that my brother has done nothing to help and the fact he’s there all the time as he doesn’t have a job right now means he could be doing a few bits to help her day to day.

I’m seen as the selfish one for not jumping up and being immediately happy and willing to help while he gets a free pass not to do anything and to say he’s busy! 🤷🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️

It probably sounds really stupid to say it feels like he’s the prodigal son but it does. He says he can’t help and that’s immediately accepted without question where as my lack of enthusiasm (I really don’t want to tidy someone else’s house!) is questioned. Makes me feel like a kid again!

Has anyone else experienced similar? How did/do you deal with it?

OP posts:
OhamIreally · 29/05/2022 21:54

Presumably you have your own household to run?

Just say no.

BraveryBot9to5 · 29/05/2022 22:05

Say no. He's free. You're not.

My brother is treated very differently from how I'm treated in the family and we're both in our fifties, just. He is so respected, it's hilarious. They hang on his every word even though he'd literally be boring the arse off you talking about coding or fiber optic cables or something. I read the room and don't go on too long and I still get interrupted. They also tell me I'm paranoid, like it's a FACT. Pure projection (literally, my Dad went to a psych hospital with depression and paranoid delusions when we were teens) but yet, I have carried the label of paranoid in our family for decades. If I say please stop, I'm told I'm sensitive, they do the martyr beast thing, up on the cross. They act wounded I don't respect their right to label me. They talk about me but not too me as a punishment for not submitting to their narrative that I'm paranoid and crazy. It's a massive act of aggression I perpetrate against them to defend myself.

I wish I had put my foot down and dealt with this two decades ago.

BraveryBot9to5 · 29/05/2022 22:07

Gaming commitments, omg. I don't blame you for being annoyed. You have LIFE commitments.

AmandaHoldensLips · 29/05/2022 22:12

Male entitlement entrenched from birth alongside women: know your place.
Really pisses me off.
My brothers never lifted a finger and still do fuck all.

Ohjustboreoff · 29/05/2022 22:22

Just tell your mum you've taken up gaming too so she can't ask you to do something she isn't prepared to ask your brother to do.

Prometheus · 29/05/2022 22:23

I’m sorry but I would’ve refused to go. Say you have gaming commitments too.

BraveryBot9to5 · 29/05/2022 22:25

ha ha yes. Say ''NO'' op and then if she presses you, say you are playing desert duty or whatever.

It feels really really uncomfortable the first time you say no. Saying no and being judged for saying no used almost to make me feel ill with anxiety. No, not almost, it did used to make me feel ill.

But it gets easier.

ElenaSt · 29/05/2022 22:27

A bloke in his thirties has gaming commitments? How embarrassing at his age!

I would refuse point blank and play the pair of them at their silly game and say that you have gaming commitments! Laugh and hang up the phone.

Thepossibility · 29/05/2022 22:34

I had a friend in high school who had to go home everyday and cook dinner. Literally she would walk in the door and put a roast on. And her older brother didn't have to do anything, didn't even have to let them know if he was eating or anything, because of his busy, important life (part time tech school, footy team). It wasn't all that long ago either. Your family sounds like that. Say no.

bloodyunicorns · 29/05/2022 22:41

Fuckinghell! Say you have gaming commitments too. Your parents are terrible.

godmum56 · 29/05/2022 22:42

so why do you do it?

Monty27 · 29/05/2022 22:44

I feel for your mum and I understand where you're coming from.
My DD tells me to ask DS to do it. He lives here she doesn't.
She's quite right. DS makes a mess of everything he does and I have to do it after him so often it's quicker to do it myself. Believe me I have tried.

Robin233 · 29/05/2022 22:48

Say no - lol.
Then check out the stately home thread , paying practical attention to the bit about FOG (Fear, Obligation, and Guilt).

Alliswells · 29/05/2022 22:58

You had to help your mum get the house ready for the cleaner??
What did you have to do?

Kite22 · 29/05/2022 23:04

Has anyone else experienced similar?

Er, no, because if it ever entered my Mum's head to make such a ridiculous request, it would be met with laughter, as I would assume it were a joke.

(Even apart from why anyone would need help 'getting the house ready for the cleaner' Hmm )

saraclara · 29/05/2022 23:08

Prometheus · 29/05/2022 22:23

I’m sorry but I would’ve refused to go. Say you have gaming commitments too.

Yep.

To be fair to my own brother, he's always been the one to have to carry the burden of my mum's demands. I made a conscious decision to move an hour and a half away when I was 21, and never went back. I feel really bad that even now we're both in our 60s, he's still the one having to carry the can.

blingerswinger · 29/05/2022 23:09

‘don't be daft Mum, DB lives there - I’m sure he feels he needs to contribute to cleaning. Plus he’s not working at the moment. I’m working and I have my own house to clean. Let’s talk soon.’

… I would nip this shit in the bud very quickly!

Mulhollandmagoo · 29/05/2022 23:15

Tell her you have commitments too so you can't help? You're right it will be because he's male, it's so disheartening how much this still goes on.

SammyScrounge · 29/05/2022 23:20

Poor Mum. No help coming from either of her children. In fact, she can whistle for it.

Cookiecrumble22 · 29/05/2022 23:34

AmandaHoldensLips · 29/05/2022 22:12

Male entitlement entrenched from birth alongside women: know your place.
Really pisses me off.
My brothers never lifted a finger and still do fuck all.

I agree with this. This is one of the reasons me and my child's father are not together. It's sad that the cycle still gos on in this day .

Daenerys77 · 29/05/2022 23:54

What the hell are 'gaming commitments' and what happens if he fails to honour them? Does the Great Sword of Doom materialise out of the 17th Dimension and cut off his balls, or what?

ElenaSt · 30/05/2022 00:11

Daenerys77 · 29/05/2022 23:54

What the hell are 'gaming commitments' and what happens if he fails to honour them? Does the Great Sword of Doom materialise out of the 17th Dimension and cut off his balls, or what?

More likely he's chatting to a teenage girl about their fantasy role play.

Absolutely disgusting that a grown man is happy to be a useless lump playing video games rather than helping his mother.

What a loser.

asquideatingdough · 30/05/2022 01:23

I have two brothers who have no kids. They have jobs but are 9-5, no other commitments. I am a single parent with a very demanding full time job. We are all in our 40s. My elderly aunt recently had a health scare that triggered a lot of family support - all from me. My brothers live about 20 minutes from her, I live 4 hours away. They didn't volunteer anything and my parents never thought to ask them. I travelled 4 times to see her in hospital and clean up her flat.

Why do they feel and experience zero expectations and I get it all? I don't know. The thing is they actually are kind of useless and asking them to do something would be more trouble than it's worth (I've tried before). I honestly don't understand how this has come to be the case but it causes me deep resentment. I think its actually very common.

Imogensmumma · 30/05/2022 01:41

I feel angry for you, I would say to DM ok I did it this week/fortnight DB can do it next week/fortnight and take it in turns.

You shouldn’t have to at all …but the reality is not helping your DM on mumsnet and just saying no sounds easy but very few people who care about their mum will do that in real life. So compromise take it in turns with your lazy DB .

in reality your DM needs to yell at DB but that is outside your circle of control

Marty13 · 30/05/2022 03:24

Dear god I have similar (useless brother who games all day) but my parents can't play this card with me as I live very very far away.

Tell her no, I beg you. I like the suggestion up thread about saying you also have gaming commitments, just to drive home how preposterous she's being.