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Original poster

Adult Daughter expected to do more than the son?

122 replies

Helpgivemesomeperspective · 29/05/2022 21:43

I have name changed for this as I have friends on MN and I think they’ll recognize this.

I just want to preface this by saying we are both (me and my brother) in our 30s. I am older than him.

My mum needs help getting the house ready for the cleaner tomorrow. She asked me to go over to her house and help.

My brother is between jobs so is living with her full time but even though he’s already there, he cannot help as he has ‘gaming commitments’ so is totally unavailable and must not be disturbed.

She asked me why I was so resentful when she needs help and I explained that my brother has done nothing to help and the fact he’s there all the time as he doesn’t have a job right now means he could be doing a few bits to help her day to day.

I’m seen as the selfish one for not jumping up and being immediately happy and willing to help while he gets a free pass not to do anything and to say he’s busy! 🤷🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️

It probably sounds really stupid to say it feels like he’s the prodigal son but it does. He says he can’t help and that’s immediately accepted without question where as my lack of enthusiasm (I really don’t want to tidy someone else’s house!) is questioned. Makes me feel like a kid again!

Has anyone else experienced similar? How did/do you deal with it?

OP posts:
majorquimby · 30/05/2022 11:27

@billy1966 I think I remember that! Unbelievable.

She didn't have children so they really thought this might fly

I think this comes into my DMs logic as well - I don't have DCs so therefore I'm 'free' to spend my time looking after her, what else could I possibly be doing with it?!

sashh · 30/05/2022 11:44

Monty27 · 29/05/2022 22:44

I feel for your mum and I understand where you're coming from.
My DD tells me to ask DS to do it. He lives here she doesn't.
She's quite right. DS makes a mess of everything he does and I have to do it after him so often it's quicker to do it myself. Believe me I have tried.

He's not going to get any better then is he?

TibetanTerrah · 30/05/2022 12:00

Monty27 · 29/05/2022 22:44

I feel for your mum and I understand where you're coming from.
My DD tells me to ask DS to do it. He lives here she doesn't.
She's quite right. DS makes a mess of everything he does and I have to do it after him so often it's quicker to do it myself. Believe me I have tried.

I remember pulling this shit at about age 12. My DM's response was, 'Well, you obviously need more practice'.

wait, is it practice or practise in this sentence... brain fart

Porcupineintherough · 30/05/2022 12:05

DS makes a mess of everything he does and I have to do it after him so often it's quicker to do it myself. Believe me I have tried

Try a bit harder, its the oldest trick in the book. Show them how to do it and let them practise. They mess it up, they redo it. And again, if necessary.

MargosKaftan · 30/05/2022 12:09

These are problems of your mums own making. Refuse to engage. "Mum, I dont live in your house anymore. The people who live there that made the mess can tidy it."

Original poster
Helpgivemesomeperspective · 30/05/2022 12:09

To those saying just say no, it’s difficult because if I do, she will get upset and say she just has to do it herself and make her arthritis etc worse.

OP posts:
Daenerys77 · 30/05/2022 12:14

Helpgivemesomeperspective · 30/05/2022 12:09

To those saying just say no, it’s difficult because if I do, she will get upset and say she just has to do it herself and make her arthritis etc worse.

So what is the cleaner for? And nobody ever died from getting upset.

Wallywobbles · 30/05/2022 12:15

Say I will help exactly as much as DB does. When you sort out the lack of equality in our treatment get back in touch.

Mariposista · 30/05/2022 12:16

My mum has 3 brothers and she does 100% of the care for my elderly gran. I live abroad, and I will come back to care for her if ever mum is away more readily than they will. They would help ‘in an emergency’ but in ordinary day to day things, she has no help. Makes me very sad.

JackieCollinshasnoauthority · 30/05/2022 12:16

Yes. Marking for later!

Porcupineintherough · 30/05/2022 12:22

Helpgivemesomeperspective · 30/05/2022 12:09

To those saying just say no, it’s difficult because if I do, she will get upset and say she just has to do it herself and make her arthritis etc worse.

And so? It's OK for her to get upset about being unreasonable and making her arthritis worse is her choice. And if you choose to help her rather then see her upset then you may as well embrace your decision and not let it upset you.

ByGrabtharsHammarWhatASaving · 30/05/2022 12:23

My gran was like this. Any drudge work and my mum was expected to jump up and help. Clean the house, do the shopping, drive her to appointments etc, you name it and it was my mums job and she was bad and selfish if she didn't do it. Never mind that she was a single mum of 2 with a full time job on a low income. My uncle on the other hand, who is actually a really nice man, was never to be troubled with everything because his high earning (but extremely flexible self employed) job made him much too busy and important. Again, the fact that he was able to make time for a truly insane number of holidays per year, ran his business with his wife, and was child free was never taken into account. The one area in which he was allowed to help? Her finances. My mum was good enough to do all the grunt work but only my uncle was to be trusted with managing her finances. Despite all this she rejected any attempts to point out the obvious sexism of the situation. She didn't let up with her demands even when my mum was signed off work with stress from the number of unpaid care hours she was doing.

I know it's hard OP but the time to put your foot down is now. By the time my gran needed round the clock care the division of labour was so deeply entrenched that there was basically no option but for my mother to sacrifice her own health and free time to perform hours and hours a week of unpaid and unappreciated care until my gran finally passed away. Don't let that be you in however many years time.

Also, gaming commitments is hilarious. I can't believe an adult would say that with a straight face!

CambsAlways · 30/05/2022 12:27

Nope it’s not fair! I don’t know why some parents seem to think it’s ok for the daughter to help round the house and not the son total madness

puddingandsun · 30/05/2022 12:28

I read recently on an 'only child' thread that a con for having an only is because they are expected to be the sole carer/ helper to parents.

I've got siblings and know in experience that it's often one of the children being asked for everything and there's resentment etc between siblings, on top to make it worse.

AryaStarkWolf · 30/05/2022 12:30

Helpgivemesomeperspective · 30/05/2022 12:09

To those saying just say no, it’s difficult because if I do, she will get upset and say she just has to do it herself and make her arthritis etc worse.

That's her own fault isn't it?

rookiemere · 30/05/2022 12:36

Actually it's your DM that is the issue here , not the DB ( although I'm still wryly laughing at the gaming commitments.

The cleaner is presumably so she doesn't have to clean. Therefore neither you nor your DB need to do anything. A tinkly laugh and "DM that's what you're paying the cleaner for" should suffice.

I'd be nipping all this in the bud, or it's only going to get worse. She's never going to appreciate you more than your DB or expect as much from him, so just stop trying to please her. Do what you feel able to do and no more.

LivingOnTheRoad · 30/05/2022 12:36

Helpgivemesomeperspective · 30/05/2022 12:09

To those saying just say no, it’s difficult because if I do, she will get upset and say she just has to do it herself and make her arthritis etc worse.

Then she would be manipulating you. Fuck that.

LetitiaLeghorn · 30/05/2022 12:53

Tell her you can't come because you've got napping commitments. 😴

Passanotherjaffacake · 30/05/2022 12:56

OP, I really think you need to take a stand.

my ‘d’b isn’t a gamer but he shirked the entire of looking after our dad through years of dementia. It took a huge, huge toll on me to pick up everything and has a long running effect to this day.

he was not close to his dad, lives in London, works part time and never bothered learning to drive (his string of women pick that up for him) but has lots of leisure time so despite me having a ‘proper’ job with very long hours, getting married, buying a house and doing IVF I had to pick up the whole thing. Parents long divorced.

will be the same for my mum when her time comes. She knows it’s shit but is determined we inherit the same because she loves us equally. He doesn’t even call her every quarter. She knows it is unfair but can’t quite put the misogyny of him being a man behind her or the expectation that she has to make everything ‘fair’. So I will be hugely out of pocket paying costs and with a big caring dent in my career (again) and the effects on my relationships and children and that is all supposed to be fine as she can say we inherited fairly.

i don’t even think I will bother keeping in touch with him when mum goes. I expect he will be surprised as he won’t have considered I might be a real person with real reactions.

there are lots of resources out there on boundaries and taking back control - I hope you find something that resonates.

Bobbins36 · 30/05/2022 12:58

@Helpgivemesomeperspective I'd be telling the brother in no uncertain terms what a selfish, immature shit he is and to clean up the mess he's helped create IN THE HOUSE HE LIVES IN. Fucking gaming commitments!?!?

Do point out if he fails to pull his weight HE will be the one contributing to your mothers arthritis flaring up as she tidies up after his sorry backside.

rookiemere · 30/05/2022 13:01

@Passanotherjaffacake can't you get POA so at least you're not carrying the financial burden of caring?

prettyteapotsplease · 30/05/2022 13:03

This is why men get away with being useless as the lion's share of the drudgery is still expected to be taken on by the women. Sister and I were expected to help with the housework but brothers were never asked. I hope things are changing with the younger generation but I have my doubts.

KosherDill · 30/05/2022 13:13

Prometheus · 29/05/2022 22:23

I’m sorry but I would’ve refused to go. Say you have gaming commitments too.

This!

YukoandHiro · 30/05/2022 13:15

This is a very common trope and is the reason I'm incredibly glad I don't have siblings.

However in the short term, just say no. How old is your mother? Is she unwell or disabled? If not why does she need your help for this small job?

Passanotherjaffacake · 30/05/2022 13:15

Thanks @rookiemere - my father was basically penniless when he died (about 6 years ago) so did I have a POA but no real money to move around! He qualified from some funding and AA etc but all care home top ups and all the extra expenses (of which there are a surprising number) came from me and my wage.

I would recommend a POA to anyone though. Was a struggle to get one as elderly parents never want to admit they need help until they can’t sign the damn things.