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Original poster

Adult Daughter expected to do more than the son?

122 replies

Helpgivemesomeperspective · 29/05/2022 21:43

I have name changed for this as I have friends on MN and I think they’ll recognize this.

I just want to preface this by saying we are both (me and my brother) in our 30s. I am older than him.

My mum needs help getting the house ready for the cleaner tomorrow. She asked me to go over to her house and help.

My brother is between jobs so is living with her full time but even though he’s already there, he cannot help as he has ‘gaming commitments’ so is totally unavailable and must not be disturbed.

She asked me why I was so resentful when she needs help and I explained that my brother has done nothing to help and the fact he’s there all the time as he doesn’t have a job right now means he could be doing a few bits to help her day to day.

I’m seen as the selfish one for not jumping up and being immediately happy and willing to help while he gets a free pass not to do anything and to say he’s busy! 🤷🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️

It probably sounds really stupid to say it feels like he’s the prodigal son but it does. He says he can’t help and that’s immediately accepted without question where as my lack of enthusiasm (I really don’t want to tidy someone else’s house!) is questioned. Makes me feel like a kid again!

Has anyone else experienced similar? How did/do you deal with it?

OP posts:
Hadalifeonce · 30/05/2022 03:37

Are these men really that useless, or have they learned, collectively, that if they do a bad job they won't get asked again?

LetitiaLeghorn · 30/05/2022 03:39

Gaming commitments. 😂😂😂😂😂

loislovesstewie · 30/05/2022 05:33

They are useless because their mothers, and I am sorry to say it is mothers, let them get away with it. The moral is practice makes perfect. All of us who are parents need to make it plain that we want to send capable people out into the world. Next time you are asked, please ,just say NO. Let them live in a pig sty if they want.

Robin233 · 30/05/2022 06:48

My son also has gaming commitments- at 6pm we're all online playing x,y and z.
But he still has time to help / do other stuff.

BackToTheTop · 30/05/2022 06:55

Just say no.

My friend's mum was like this, as teenagers she had to clean the bathroom and had chores to do each week, her older brother had nothing. I struggled to get my head around it but it has always been that way.

Ferngreen · 30/05/2022 06:58

I think, as your DM is obviously getting on a bit, needing someone to help tidy, you need to take a giant step back as you are going to be 'needed' more and more in the next years. Better make a stand now.

timeisnotaline · 30/05/2022 06:58

I too would simply put my foot down. And say no because I have gaming commitments. A round of solitaire before my cup of tea and magazine, but I don’t need to explain my gaming commitments.

SleepWithHisTShirtOn · 30/05/2022 07:03

As others have said, tell her you have gaming commitments too.

There’s no way I would be cleaning her house.

BigSandyBalls2015 · 30/05/2022 07:09

This isn’t that unusual even with younger DCs unfortunately. A friend has a boy and a girl, late teens and she’s expected to do loads more than the boy. He’s off to uni next year and has never used the dishwasher/washing machine/oven 🤦‍♀️

Starseeking · 30/05/2022 07:35

That's the kind of thing my DM would try and say.

A few years ago when we were in our early 30's, she told me (not asked) to make him up a plate of food while he was sat on the sofa. I told her his hands and feet are working and he is perfectly capable of serving himself, and she never asked again. But the look of indignation on her face at me saying no was a sight!

rookiemere · 30/05/2022 07:57

OP I'd hope most people would deal with it by saying No.

Firstly unless the house is a bombshell surely the point of a cleaner is that they clean - not that someone cleans before they come. Or if it's lifting and tidying up then

Hoolahulahoop · 30/05/2022 08:01

I had a major fall out (no contact) with my parents for this type of thing (it was more than no cleaning but constant criticism) I used to clean twice a week for them and brothers didn't have to. One brother recently told me I abandoned the family when I went to university.

cptartapp · 30/05/2022 08:28

Ferngreen · 30/05/2022 06:58

I think, as your DM is obviously getting on a bit, needing someone to help tidy, you need to take a giant step back as you are going to be 'needed' more and more in the next years. Better make a stand now.

This.
This is what we scrimp and save for all our lives isn't it? To buy in help and care as needed when older and let our adult DC live their own lives.
I would think far less of your DM going forward if she keeps this up.

MagicTurtle · 30/05/2022 08:36

This wouldn't happen in my family. My parents treat me and my brother the same.

Put your foot down OP. Agree to help, but ONLY if your brother pulls his weight too.

Thesefeetaremadeforwalking · 30/05/2022 08:42

Just.Say.No.

majorquimby · 30/05/2022 08:47

Why are expectations of men so bloody low? My DM lives near my DB, 300 miles away from me. She moved there when she was younger and more able, and has helped out a lot with childcare etc over the years. He's never even moved her lawn or done a single DIY job for her in 10 years. But that's ok because 'he's busy and he has an important job'. She now wants to move near me 'because you'll be better at looking after me than he is'. I asked her why she thought that (knowing full well its basically because I'm female) and she just spluttered 'I just know you will that's all'.

So after years of her helping him out practically and financially, he's not expected to step up and help more as she gets old, but I am!

kittenkipping · 30/05/2022 08:48

It would and does and IS happening in my family. I'm currently caring for my mother post surgery. My brother lives five minutes away, but it has been made clear to me that he can offer no more than one afternoon a week. He has a JOB. A FAMILY. He is BUSY! He needs downtime from all of his burdens ffs!

I too have all those things, but someone has to be there for our mother so I've arranged unpaid leave, left my children with their dad and cancelled the plans we had for half term (because we now can't afford them and I won't be there ) I resent it. I'm angry. But there's nothing I can do and I love my mother so can't just abandon her.

billy1966 · 30/05/2022 08:53

You are so silly to have accepted this.

Do you want this to be your future?

Because that is EXACTLY what is going to happen.

Ask my brother needs to be onnthe tip of your lips.

Probably living for free at home too?

Don't be a mug.

rookiemere · 30/05/2022 08:54

Sometimes I'm glad I'm an only DC. I couldn't do what some of you have done with a smile on my face, knowing that there's a lazy arse penis owner sitting there doing feck all because he is a MAN.

frozendaisy · 30/05/2022 08:58

majorquimby · 30/05/2022 08:47

Why are expectations of men so bloody low? My DM lives near my DB, 300 miles away from me. She moved there when she was younger and more able, and has helped out a lot with childcare etc over the years. He's never even moved her lawn or done a single DIY job for her in 10 years. But that's ok because 'he's busy and he has an important job'. She now wants to move near me 'because you'll be better at looking after me than he is'. I asked her why she thought that (knowing full well its basically because I'm female) and she just spluttered 'I just know you will that's all'.

So after years of her helping him out practically and financially, he's not expected to step up and help more as she gets old, but I am!

Oh just no.

billy1966 · 30/05/2022 09:00

majorquimby · 30/05/2022 08:47

Why are expectations of men so bloody low? My DM lives near my DB, 300 miles away from me. She moved there when she was younger and more able, and has helped out a lot with childcare etc over the years. He's never even moved her lawn or done a single DIY job for her in 10 years. But that's ok because 'he's busy and he has an important job'. She now wants to move near me 'because you'll be better at looking after me than he is'. I asked her why she thought that (knowing full well its basically because I'm female) and she just spluttered 'I just know you will that's all'.

So after years of her helping him out practically and financially, he's not expected to step up and help more as she gets old, but I am!

What have you decided?

MagicTurtle · 30/05/2022 09:01

Tell your mum to find a time when you and your brother are both free. Go over there and all work together to blitz it. Tell her you can't help otherwise.

NightmareSlashDelightful · 30/05/2022 09:11

This happens in my family, but the other way around. Anything ‘practical’ my mother needs doing, one of my brothers gets a call. Mowing the lawn, changing a lightbulb, cleaning the oven, changing a tyre. She even rang my brother to get him to book her car in for a service once.

This happens constantly, even though I’m handier than most of them, and closer.

Shakeupandwakeup · 30/05/2022 09:16

Say you have your own home to keep tidy and run. She has an able bodied unemployed adult living with her. He can help.

Shakeupandwakeup · 30/05/2022 09:17

I like PPs suggestion of saying you have 'gaming commitments' too so you can't. Perfect response.

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