Adult Daughter expected to do more than the son?

[Helpgivemesomeperspective]

I have name changed for this as I have friends on MN and I think they’ll recognize this.

I just want to preface this by saying we are both (me and my brother) in our 30s. I am older than him.

My mum needs help getting the house ready for the cleaner tomorrow. She asked me to go over to her house and help.

My brother is between jobs so is living with her full time but even though he’s already there, he cannot help as he has ‘gaming commitments’ so is totally unavailable and must not be disturbed.

She asked me why I was so resentful when she needs help and I explained that my brother has done nothing to help and the fact he’s there all the time as he doesn’t have a job right now means he could be doing a few bits to help her day to day.

I’m seen as the selfish one for not jumping up and being immediately happy and willing to help while he gets a free pass not to do anything and to say he’s busy! 🤷🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️

It probably sounds really stupid to say it feels like he’s the prodigal son but it does. He says he can’t help and that’s immediately accepted without question where as my lack of enthusiasm (I really don’t want to tidy someone else’s house!) is questioned. Makes me feel like a kid again!

Has anyone else experienced similar? How did/do you deal with it?

I dont get this. Why do you need to get thr house ready for the cleaner? Is it putting things away so the cleaner can get at the space to clean? Then the people who live in the house whos stuff it is, should put it away.

Your brother is an adult who lives with another adult. If one of the adults in the household has decided to let him live with them and not do his fair share that's their choice, not that of people don't live in the house.

"No mum, the people who made the mess can clean jt"

@billy1966 I'm only 10 ish years off retirement myself and have plans to sell up and travel, I've made it clear I won't be tying myself down to caring for her. I'll help, of course I will, as much as I'm able to from a distance. She's my mum. But the expectation that I'll be her default support in old age / give up my own retirement plans just because I'm female will not be happening.

She's also asked to move in with us (so she can pay off our mortgage, and I can give up my career to be her carer) and I've said no to that ever so generous offer. Funnily enough she hasn't suggested the same to DB.....

Just say you’ve got other commitments and can’t, then suggest he does the tasks because he lives there.

have you ever challenged your brother directly about it? I’d probably message him ‘mums asked me to do x and x but I’m passing these tasks on to you what with you living in mums house’

Ha. Been there. One year we were both living at home in our 20s, DM went on holiday. DB spent the whole two weeks gaming when he wasn't at work. Living room was a no go area for me, either because he was gaming or because it was an absolute shit tip. One day he went into the bathroom and did the most godawful stinking shit, and didn't bother flushing. No amount of asking, shouting, swearing would get him to flush it, he just sneered at me and took pleasure in ignoring me.

I rang my DM in near tears with frustration. She couldn't have been less interested. "Don't be a martyr, just flush it and clean it rather than retching every time you walk past..." (honestly it was like something had died, luckily the house had two toilets.)

I did clean it, and the rest of the house so it was nice for her when she got back.

Shortly afterwards, I moved out, brother stayed. DM went on holiday again. When she got back she rang ME in near tears as the house was an absolute bombsite, mouldy cups, plates, no worktop space to make anything to eat, complete chaos. She said she can't stay there and ended up at her partners house for a couple of nights. It was still her who cleared everything up in the end as golden boy couldn't possibly be expected to.

I'll admit I was smug and said I told you so. Yet even today she ignores and changes the subject if I ever mention it.

Group chat. No mum, db will just have to do some jobs around his frenetic gaming schedule like a normal person. Db over to you mum wants the house cleaned and I’m not the cleaner- you live there and you’re not a paraplegic.

This only happens if you allow it to. The narrative in my family is that I’m really difficult and blunt. That’s because I refuse to play games and pussyfoot around my siblings entitlement. It means people don’t take the piss though.

This is me - although DB and I are in our 20s. I moved out 2 years ago, he still lives there.

When DP were going on holiday, I got a text saying I would need to check on the house. No, think DB can look after the house himself. She's worried he'll not clean.....he's 25. I am certainly not doing it.

When I visit, I have "to help with dinner", as it was when I lived there, while DB and DF sit down because they "work full time". SO DO I!

Don't even start me on the gaming....

This only happens because you let it.

if my mum asked me to do this and said that my brother who she lives with has gaming commitments, I would have cracked up and told her she was having a laugh. It wouldn’t have got to the point where she was calling me resentful, because I wouldn’t have gone.

Don’t enable their ridiculousness, it’s their monkeys, their circus.

Amazing that we’re in the 21st century and this still exists.

My DB was like this.

Wouldn’t lift a finger. Ever.

And my DM was on her own and struggling.

It was far less stressful to leave the lazy selfish boy to his own devices in his bedroom.

Surprise surprise, he now lives in a shit hole.

Me on the other hand have a great home, which he hates and resents of course.

I think he thinks how lucky I am/always fall on my feet and that it’s got nothing to do with sheer hard bloody graft and determination.

What is this even about? Unless there is a lot more to this that you've said, like your mum is a hoarder and this is some kind of huge life changing house makeover.. what on earth is she doing asking you to go over there and clean her house? Ready for a cleaner? And why would it cross your mind to agree to it?

I agree that your mum also sounds quite sexist, but that only affects you because you've bizarrely agreed to go and clean her house anyway!

Why does she need to get the house ready for a cleaner? In what way?

just say no, I’m busy.

Has anyone else experienced similar? How did/do you deal with it?

The closest I have come to this was at work, esp in the early days of my career, in a small organisation when the only other women were secretaries while I did a software/technical role

When asked to do something more usual for a secretary, for example, cover reception at lunch time, I would do it the first time I was asked. The next time I was asked, I'd point out how many other staff there were who could be asked and say I was happy for it to be my turn again when they had all taken their turn.

Coming back to your example, I'm sure you have done your turn. It's your brother's turn now.

What is the worst that would happen if you said it's your brothers turn and made yourself unavailable? Do you work, are you financially independent? Do you rely on your parents for support for anything important? Is your mother getting older and not wanting to admit it?

One of the uncomfortable parts of 'adulting' is noticing things where your parents are by any objective measure just wrong. This is one of those times.

Maybe try 'sorry would have loved to help but can't '. The real reason you can't is that you have used up all your turns and it's your brothers turn now. If your mother doesn't want or expect his help, then ....

Stay strong. Say no. It gets easier the more you do it. You just need to practice.

😂😂😂 Oh, boo hoo. Get off the cross. They need the wood. Perhaps the mother should turn off the Wi-Fi so lazy entitled son is a bit more motivated to help since his ‘gaming commitments’ become unnecessary. Perhaps the mother should expect to be fair in what she expects her children to do.

Full disclosure, I'm six years younger than my sister. Growing up, she was expected to do more to help than I ever was. I was known to not be much good, so my mother would ask her to do anything important and I was given easy jobs that didn't matter.

When I moved to Uni then to a flat and had my own 'household', they were both totally gobsmacked to discover that I could do all those things, now that there was no one else to do them.

Why do I mention this?

Anyone saying they have tried to get someone to help but they just can't do it to a decent standard, please just be aware that you are allowing yourself to be played.

Thank you everyone. I feel less guilty this morning for not doing as much as was requested.

For those asking why it has to be cleaned for the cleaner, it’s because it has to look like a show home before the cleaner even enters. This includes removing anything personal out of sight as it couldn’t possibly look like anyone lives there 🤷🏻‍♀️

Just say no.

^It really is^ this simple. My parents also brought my dB up to be entitled and lazy but I didn't rush in to fill the gap I support they'd created (he'll, they nurtured it).

I only have sons. They both have to pull their weight around the house.

‘Get off the cross, they need the wood’. 😀I’m bringing that out the very next chance I get!

For those asking why it has to be cleaned for the cleaner, it’s because it has to look like a show home before the cleaner even enters

That’s her issue. Does the cleaner come weekly?

What happens when you say no!

SammyScrounge
Poor Mum. No help coming from either of her children. In fact, she can whistle for it“

poor mum, waiting for her cleaner?

Oh well then not only is your DM being sexist, she's also being ridiculous.

You'd have done her no favours if you'd have gone round to help her exhaust herself cleaning before the cleaner arrives.

Good for you.

I remember a poster years ago who was widowed and was offered no support from her husbands two male siblings.

They did however contact her two years later, to TELL her she needed to take early retirement to become carer for her MIL, their mother, whom she hadn't heard from since her husbands death.

She didn't have children so they really thought this might fly.

How she laughed at them.
Unbelievable how entitled some men are.

They were genuinely shocked at her reaction to such a preposterous suggestion.

Yep, I had this the whole time before I left home at 21.

Two brothers, I was the only girl. I was the only one expected to do any sort of 'housework'...even though for the last 4 years I was working full time and they were both unemployed.

I remember one day my then fiance and myself both had a day off together midweek and he wanted us to go to the nearest city shopping...and he wanted an early start. I kept telling him all day that I was going to get it in the neck from my mother because I hadn't sorted out the downstairs - kitchen, both living rooms etc or vacuumed the whole house before we left. He didn't believe me, but sure enough...from the way my mother acted you would have thought I'd set fire to the house! Meanwhile both brothers had spent the whole day sitting in their respective rooms gaming...

I now deliberately live on the other side of the world from my mother.

Tell your mother, she had her chance to treat you both equally and teach DB how to clean cook launder etc. If she messed up now she has to live with the consequence ; but you don't. You have your own life to live and it';s up to HER (not you) to make DB step up.

Thank you everyone. I feel less guilty this morning for not doing as much as was requested.

Does that mean you did go and help? What a ridiculous situation. Of course you shouldn't be going over there to clean up when your brother lives there! At all.