Adult Daughter expected to do more than the son?

[Helpgivemesomeperspective]

I have name changed for this as I have friends on MN and I think they’ll recognize this.

I just want to preface this by saying we are both (me and my brother) in our 30s. I am older than him.

My mum needs help getting the house ready for the cleaner tomorrow. She asked me to go over to her house and help.

My brother is between jobs so is living with her full time but even though he’s already there, he cannot help as he has ‘gaming commitments’ so is totally unavailable and must not be disturbed.

She asked me why I was so resentful when she needs help and I explained that my brother has done nothing to help and the fact he’s there all the time as he doesn’t have a job right now means he could be doing a few bits to help her day to day.

I’m seen as the selfish one for not jumping up and being immediately happy and willing to help while he gets a free pass not to do anything and to say he’s busy! 🤷🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️

It probably sounds really stupid to say it feels like he’s the prodigal son but it does. He says he can’t help and that’s immediately accepted without question where as my lack of enthusiasm (I really don’t want to tidy someone else’s house!) is questioned. Makes me feel like a kid again!

Has anyone else experienced similar? How did/do you deal with it?

Very well said.

OP it's not you causing your mother to work; it's him. You must convince yourself of that.

Yep, my mum had a hysterectomy a few years back, foolishly I thought the two grown adults in perfect health who she lived with would be able to provide enough assistance while she recovered, unfortunately for me they were both men, so obviously it was highly selfish of me to not offer to do things for them as it was too much expecting them to cook, clean up and do laundry for a few weeks 🙄

I lived alone working 50+ hours a week in healthcare (mixture of nights, earlies and lates so was exhausted), brother and dad living at home, both drive, work regular hours. However, I was for some reason expected to come over and cook and clean and fetch things for my mum before or after shifts. When I asked why dad or my brother couldn’t do it as I was exhausted and busy with work and life admin etc I was screamed at and told I was selfish and they’re already doing so much while I do nothing, they roped my brother’s girlfriend into doing it instead, which was also then thrown in my face!

It's unbelievable, isn't it, your brother actually lives in her house, and he can't help her tidy up?!

My only advice is to call him out on it and say that as he's living there, he needs to do the tidying. I know that doesn't always work though, the SIL who lives closest to my IL's treats them like her personal servants (even though they're in their 80's), they do chores and DIY for her, never reciprocated - not to mention that my 82-year-old FIL shouldn't be doing most of these DIY jobs at all given his health. 😡 Unfortunately, it turns into a pattern that's difficult to break unless the elderly parent puts their foot down or the adult child has a moment of clarity and realizes that it's borderline elder abuse (perhaps that's too strong, but that's my opinion).

Speak to your brother, OP, and point out what a selfish arse he's being.

I'd inform your mother she'll have to make other arrangements for her old age. She's belittling you with the "equal inheritance " nonsense.

It's called emotional blackmail.

The more you give in the more she'll manipulate you. If you never make a stand and say no the less incentive she has to change things. 🌹

If she wants to exacerbate her arthritis by cleaning to show home standards before her cleaner is allowed to clean ... let her crack on.

All that is holding you back from doing as little as your brother is some stale old habits. You are in a habit of feeling guilty. You are in a habit of believing you owe your mother more labour than your brother does. You are in a habit of jumping to your mother's orders.
Quit!

And next times she parades her performative "upset" at you, tell her that it's your brother's turn to help, & you are pissed off with her favouritism.
She is manipulating you. Stop letting her.

Also, your brother needs a kick up the arse. I would be giving him such a verbal pasting for this - he's basically sitting pretty, doing fuck-all because he knows that YOU get the flak for HIS selfishness.

How would you feel about reading them both the riot act next time you visit?
Lay it out to them how lazy he is, & how mother only ever asks YOU for help?

Hold a family meeting? Tell your brother it’s his responsibility to run the house with your mum. Not yours. He is responsible for her arthritis flaring up if she ends up doing it all by herself.

Your mum is an adult and she can choose to take on all the house running responsibility or ensure he does his share. It’s her choice. Time to play hardball.

I'd take a stand if I were you. Otherwise this will get worse.

I would also take another tack, because your mum doesn't care about inconveniencing you. I would tell her that by requiring nothing of him and more of you, she is going to hamper his chances of finding a good partner. I mean, would any of your friends be attracted to a bloke who games all day, doesn't tidy up after himself and won't help his mum despite living with her? The world has moved on and your brother will be left behind if your mum doesn't "help" him...

It's not really her Mum though, @Newestname002 , it's her lazy brother. But her Mum is enabling him, of course.

If he was a less selfish person, this wouldn't be happening. "Gaming commitments." he sounds like my 13-year-old when he's being bratty and won't tidy up.

If she gets upset redirect the issue to your brother each time

Unfortunately she probably rightly believes the help she would get from you would be a lot more use than the help she would get from him. On the one hand, she has a DD she can trust to turn up and crack on with it. On the other, a DS who she would have to coax and cajole away from his gaming, who'd mooch about being as good as useless and make the thing twice as hard.
I don't know what the answer is, as you can't make people willing and useful. You'd be within your rights to refuse your mum, but that won't make a jot of difference to how much your brother does. Personally I'd do what I was happy with, and tell your mum she will have to consider buying in help for the rest, getting a financial contribution from your brother, given he lives there too.

@Cameleongirl not really. Cleaning your house to make it look like a show home before you cleaner comes is just daft and I wouldn't blame any adult for bowing out of such madness.

Could he be a professional gamer taking part in tournaments for money? That basically is a job OP so would be a valid commitment

Typical male entitlement and a woman who enables it. You'll get women on here saying "Oh, I'd just go and do it, it's not that big a deal", and they are part of the problem.

Well that's her decision if that's what she'd rather do than tell her lazy fuck of a son to do something.

And he obviously doesn't give a fuck about her as he'd be doing something willingly.

Let’s say you’re right and it is basically a job. Why would that mean he doesn’t have to contribute to cleaning and tidying the house he lives in, and instead his sister who has her own job and house should come over to clean up after him?!

Unfortunately Some adult children never seem to see their parents as human beings with their own needs

Sorry, posted mid-typing. Sone adults expect to be parented all their lives, as if they were still children.

Your Mum allows your brother to behave like this and he’s too selfish to do anything about it. You’re obviously considered the “adult” one, OP. It’s not fair and not healthy, tbh.

But the surely the answer to that would be 'don't be silly mum, of course you don't have to do it all yourself, Dave lives there too so should be helping you'

Presumably it's his mess that needs tidying before the cleaner comes!

@Passanotherjaffacake, why would you do this to the detriment of your own family and finances?

Your mother can pay for her care, let her.

You are financially supporting your brother with your actions.

OP, if your mother aggravates her arthritis, that is on her.

So many threads where men rightly get a bashing, but this one women deserve it.

Raising lazy selfish wasters and expecting other women to suck it up, which most of them then do.

Don't fall for it.

Your mother HAS choices here.

But surely if only an adult man and his adult mother are Living in the house, there can't be that much 'mess' anyway, if they presumably tidy up after themselves as they go along, putting things away as they finish with them ? Then they are paying someone to do the actual cleaning. I can't for the life of me see what need to be done, even setting aside the ridiculousness of expecting a person who doesn't live there to come over when there is a physically able adult already living there.
I genuinely can't see what there is to be done.

But she is emotionally blackmailing you, and you need to call that out for what it is and point out to her that there is already an adult in the house 24/7 to offer any support that might be needed, before she begins to need more and more support over the coming years.