His exes cheated on him

[whitebunnies]

I met a man through some mutual friends. We were not set up he was just out one time. There is a connection between us. Something that seems a red flag is he mentions how 2 of his exes have cheated on him. He said about the one ex, that he came home to find her in bed with another man and she told him she cheated because he was a failure in life and always ill. He hasn't explained how he found out about his wife cheating. I don't agree with cheating. It makes me wonder what made these women cheat. As in is he controlling so they went elsewhere. He seems a bit passive and attracts drama. I know people who have been cheated on but they don't mention it to people.

Run for your life. He's laying the groundwork to excuse him being controlling. Massive red flag in my opinion.

This seems a bit of an unfair conclusion to jump to. Would you immediately think badly of a woman who’d been cheated on? Maybe he is making his exes out to all be horrible because he’s actually the abusive one, or maybe he’s just been unlucky (it happens to enough women who go through a string of bastards!) if you don’t like him and don’t want to date him though, then don’t

Likely red flag. Avoid.

Also this: He seems a bit passive and attracts drama.

Seriously, why would you bother?

He didn’t cheat so I don’t see the problem.

I think you’re reading far too much into this.

100% this.
He's already making excuses for why he has 'trust issues'.

Yep. No way I'd touch that.

The telling you about it at this stage is not a good sign. It’d be different if it came up organically many dates in, but this early it feels like an ‘all my evil exes’ tale and they’re always bad signs.

It’s odd that he mentioned it to you so soon. This, combined with you saying he attracts drama and is passive - he doesn’t sound very attractive to me, but the question is are you attracted to him?

This.

Why would he disclose something so personal to a woman he's only just met?

Yeah, don't waste your time.

Did they aye?
How very unfortunate.
Get da hell out of Dodge while you still can.

My ExH was cheated on by his ExW and every other partner prior to me. That's because he couldn't keep his dick out of his messages to other women.

He's also very passive and emotionally lazy. Expects a lot of attention, but never gives any in return because he's too busy looking for it from other women on the sly. One of his exes is an absolute monster (diagnosed NPD), but I know all the others cheated because he did, and because he was a shit partner.

Your man's passivity sounds familiar. Chances are he was cheated on because he wasn't keeping his side of the bargain emotionally.

Why women give the benefit of the doubt in these situations is beyond me - you've barely met him, you owe him nothing. Maybe he's laying the groundwork for being controlling, maybe he's not. Maybe his exes were actually horrible and maybe he's not a failure in life and always ill. So what? How about saving your effort for men who don't have those 'maybes'? If he's interested in you, then what is his purpose in telling you those things at this stage?

RED neon red sign.
Attracts drama means he’s so controlling he sets people off. He’s “passive “ because his gaslighting and lies rile people up.
I call utter bollox in two women cheating on him and that being what crossed his mind to tell you.
Let me tell you - a man I’ve been with never said his ex was bad or crazy.
But … she was controlling- told him when to clean up. Used to come home from work (he didn’t work) and point at the mug he hadn’t washed up.
Always wanted to go out with her friends and make him go.
Social life revolved around her.
Bullshit.
He was incapable of washing up properly (needed to be re-done after his attempts), messy and lazy as fuck.
Only interested in his friends.
Very controlling if I went out (texting non stop).

For PPs saying well women have been cheated on… erm, so what?
If you’d been cheated on in a serious relationship bringing it up SO early on sends out the signal “so you’d better not be like them” - and then the “oh my ex always drank too much wine/texted her friends too much etc”.

RED flag

What type of drama is he attracting?

I think looking for reasons someone was cheated on and thinking they must be to blame, is quite awful. But maybe you are thinking that because something is sitting right with you.

However, I would be really wary of a man that tells a woman, especially one he is interested in, these things early on. Does sound like laying the ground work for ‘this is why I won’t ever trust you’.

Being passive and always involved in drama would put me right off too. My personal opinion is people who are always involved in drama and yet passive, is that (usually) they are the ones in the middle causing it. But being sneaky about it.

Nothing made them cheat. They chose to do that of their own accord.

If he seems passive and attracts drama, concentrate on thinking about that and whether that's a deal breaker for you.

Sounds like a kink to me, he gets off on the thought of being cuckolded and humiliated. Sounds like kink and fantasy to me

My ex told a few women he was seeing that I cheated on him, went into really lurid details about how he found out. It was all bullshit. He was the unfaithful one throughout the 15 years we were together, I only discovered the scale of it after we split.

Be very wary.

It makes no sense to try to impress/bond on a history of being cheated on. If a man asked me if I’d been cheated on I’d tell him to mind his own business (in a ruder way)

My first thought was laying the ground work for 'trust issues' aka: controlling behaviour. He could also be a vulnerable narcissist sort who wants the attention of people feeling 'aww the poor man has had a hard life' ...then you find out he hasn't had a hard life, he actually causes a hard life for everyone around him and yet will maintain he is always the victim.

You may even find, he was the cheat and has altered history entirely.

That being said, cheaters cheat. If they cheated on him 'because' of how he was then they could have had the decency to have left him first instead. One wrong doesn't excuse another.

It seems to work quite well for men, they portray themselves as the genuinely hurt victim and the woman then feels she can fix his hurt and want's to look after the poor wee baba
It's a tactic used by insecure men but experienced lotharios have also perfected this technique.

Women seem to enjoy comparing themselves to 'bad' women as they come out looking fantastic I know this from message exchanges I found on my pc between ex and several women and you can see it happening, they enjoyed confirming to him that I was a bitch and they couldn't believe how badly i'd treated him 🙄
But I also ventured onto a few of those hookup advice sites for men and the technique is described on those sites as well
It's not an honest or adult technique but it's successful enough that men share tips online about it..Run

Like pp it immediately made me think he's sowing the seeds for trust issues and in trolling behaviour. How utterly unattractive.

Also the always ill bit remind me of my ex. I didn't cheat on him but my sexual attraction completely died because of it

A friend's husband claimed that he was a victim of domestic abuse with his previous girlfriend which I found a bit suspicious as he is a big bloke and revels in his 'bad boy' past. He seems the most unlikely of victims.

Having got to know him he is provocative and a bit of a dick to others. I avoid him. Whilst I don't condone violence of any sort I can see why someone might lash out at him and she has lost a very good friend of hers recently because of his winding up behaviour.

Revelations like this so early on need monitoring. There's nowt queer as some folk's disordered thinking.