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Original poster

Husband wants more sex..I'm just too shattered! AIBU?

107 replies

GreenSippyCup77 · 25/05/2022 22:04

Title says it all really! My DH has complained that we don't have enough sex. I try to make sure we do it once a week, but more recently its more like once a fortnight. I understand where he's coming from as I'm embarrassed that this doesn't sound like much for a couple in their 30's. However I have zero libido at the moment as I'm just permanently exhausted! I'm a SAHM to our wonderful 17 month old DS who is currently going through quite a rough patch with sleep (think it's the dreaded molars). He's up 2-3 times a night and will only settle back to sleep on me, which can take 1-2 hours before he's back in his cot and I'm back in bed. I'm probably averaging 4-5 hours broken sleep a night which for someone who pre kids needed at least 8 hours a night, it's a killer! So understandably, sleep is very precious to me right now and sex is the last thing on my mind. DH just doesn't seem to understand this. Last night for example, I get back into bed at 4am, ready to make the most of the 2 hours before DS is up for the day. DH decides this is a good time to initiate some sexy time, then gets in a massive mood when I'm not up for it. He's still not really talking to me properly this evening! He seems to think it means I don't find him attractive or that I don't love him anymore which is far from the truth. I know in my head that our sex life will improve once DS starts sleeping a bit better again and I'm not so knackered, but I'm worried it's starting to affect our relationship now. Just wanted to get some opinions - AIBU? Should I be trying harder to fulfill my DH's needs at the expense of my own need for sleep? How can I explain to my DH without him getting the hump and taking it all so personally?

OP posts:
SugarNspices · 25/05/2022 22:09

He should be more understanding of your current sleep situation. It's really a turn off when men sulk if the don't get sex 🤢

User3568975431146 · 25/05/2022 22:12

He sounds like he needs to grow up a bit to be honest. Let him take the nightshift for a couple of weeks then see how he feels.

NoSquirrels · 25/05/2022 22:13

How can I explain to my DH without him getting the hump and taking it all so personally?

”DH, when you can settle DS at night then I’ll have more sleep and be up for a shag at 4am. Until then, I’m fucking KNACKERED. So let’s sort out a plan for you taking responsibility for some night wakings.”

I would not give a shit if he took it personally. Sulky ignoring man babies don’t get attention of any kind.

Readtheroom · 25/05/2022 22:14

Ok but if you look at it from his side I can see where he is coming from. You dont have energy and time for yourself so you wont have energy and time for hiso maybe sex is the only time you get to connect and have some quality time together. I think you need to sit down and re-assess your schedules and make plans im not talking pencilling things in I mean changing things like unsuitable work hours and making sure you all get yours needs met not just the baby, but especially you

Quartz2208 · 25/05/2022 22:15

Does he ever offer to do the nights.

It sounds actually fairly normal for a couple with a young child

Should I be trying harder to fulfill my DH's needs at the expense of my own need for sleep?

No you shouldnt. Tell him that you are suffering from lack of sleep and how is he going to help solve that issue

His reaction is awful - tell him that it isnt to do with not finding him attractive - although his reaciton isnt particularly attractive because it is coercing and making you feel guilty

Strawberriesaregreat · 25/05/2022 22:16

Crikey so you're dealing with 2 dcs by the sound of his attitude.Tell him to grow up. I'd be withholding until he could be less unreasonable.

girlmom21 · 25/05/2022 22:18

Tell him when you get a full nights sleep he might get more regular sex.

OliviaCrock · 25/05/2022 22:20

Hi,

I had the same issue. If he feels a loss of intimacy, then have a cool and honest conversation with him and if he doesn't understand, make him do the night shift!! If it is merely him needing to release, masturbation is always there for him. Just remind him it is all temporary!

Hope this helps,

xx

NoSquirrels · 25/05/2022 22:21

Ok but if you look at it from his side I can see where he is coming from.

No, I absolutely cannot see it from his side at 4 fucking a.m. when his wife’s been up for over an hour with an unsettled baby. Where he’s coming from in that instance is being a selfish shit, or possibly a jealous selfish shit (wah, my wife’s giving the baby attention in the middle of the night and not me).

Goawayangryman · 25/05/2022 22:26

See it from his side my arse. Who is seeing it from the OP's side exactly?? Who is worrying about her? Jesus, some men are grim. And sulking and the silent treatment is actually a form of control and emotional abuse. Such a turn on, eh??

Natty13 · 25/05/2022 22:37

Sorry is this a joke post? How can a grown adult have such little empathy for the person he shares a life and created a child with?

You'll have to teach him some empathy in thst case. Get your husband to half the nights wakings and see how sexy he feels after it. Go away for a full weekend and let him do everything for your toddler (will be good bonding for them at least) the benefits of forcing him to do more are twofold - you get some much needed rest and MAY feel like more sex but also he will learn how difficult it is being home meeting the needs of a tiny terrorist 24/7.

NotABeliever · 25/05/2022 22:41

Why is it always up to you to settle your DS at night, sorry? He should be doing his fair share before he's entitled to sulk about lack of sex.

Sweetmotherofallthatisholyabov · 25/05/2022 22:43

I think sleep deprivation is really hard to understand if you haven't experienced it. I assumed I knew what exhaustion was after dc1. I did not, 11 months in to dc2 I actually wondered how there wasn't more car accidents from people with poor sleeper. Dh didn't get it at all. He was compassionate and kind and understanding but i still don't think he fully appreciated the exhaustion. If the baby won't settle with him then get him to spend a weekend awake when you're awake. It's a stupid idea on one hand because there will be two zombies but he'll have a better understanding of what you go through every night.

cigarettesNalcohol · 25/05/2022 22:53

Op you know full well the answer to your question. Of course you should not be putting his sex needs before your broken 4-5 hours sleep a night. I mean for Christ's sake, it's not like he's 'getting it' once every 6 months. You're already managing once a week which is totally ok. And he has the cheek to complain that's not enough ? Does he think he could be getting more with someone else probably too ? Honestly some men need to get real. It really boils my blood reading this sort of thing, some men can be so selfish! Like shock horror, you don't want sex at 4am having just put baby back to bed. What world are they living in ? And to add insult to injury, he has the audacity to sulk at you. Like that's going to make you want it more... oh please. Of course you should not be forcing yourself to have more sex. You are giving enough as it is. I'm angry for you op.

SarahAndQuack · 25/05/2022 22:55

I would want to know, what is he doing to help DS settle with him/to reduce the burden on you? I get that your DS will only go back to sleep with you, but can't your DP do some of the work when your DS wakes up? Or could he not take him from 4.30 on? If he's awake enough for sex he's awake! Perhaps you could agree that when DS wakes after 4am, that is his shift and he takes DS downstairs so you can properly go back to sleep. He may well find he can snooze on the couch for some of that time, too.

Honestly, it is not normal to leave all the wake-ups to your partner and to complain about a lack of sex/to expect sex in the early hours.

cigarettesNalcohol · 25/05/2022 22:57

Practice and repeat:

DO NOT FEEL GUILTY

AntonHeck · 25/05/2022 23:10

When people enter into an exclusive relationship they both agree to go out of their comfort zone to fulfil the needs of their OH. While nobody is saying you need to do it twice a day regardless of how you feel, doing it fortnightly is the other extreme and seems far too little.

If you expect him to keep his end of the bargain and remain exclusive, you have to keep yours and make an effort. This is only fair.

AntonHeck · 25/05/2022 23:12

SugarNspices · 25/05/2022 22:09

He should be more understanding of your current sleep situation. It's really a turn off when men sulk if the don't get sex 🤢

So no sex even without the 'turnoff', but if he gets upset, well that's the justification. Wow. Just wow.

NoSquirrels · 25/05/2022 23:14

AntonHeck · 25/05/2022 23:10

When people enter into an exclusive relationship they both agree to go out of their comfort zone to fulfil the needs of their OH. While nobody is saying you need to do it twice a day regardless of how you feel, doing it fortnightly is the other extreme and seems far too little.

If you expect him to keep his end of the bargain and remain exclusive, you have to keep yours and make an effort. This is only fair.

Hello, OP’s husband. So you think a 4am shag after doing night wakings with a baby is just “making an effort”, eh?

wellhelloitsme · 25/05/2022 23:15

@AntonHeck

Did you read the OP properly?

I'm a SAHM to our wonderful 17 month old DS who is currently going through quite a rough patch with sleep (think it's the dreaded molars). He's up 2-3 times a night and will only settle back to sleep on me, which can take 1-2 hours before he's back in his cot and I'm back in bed. I'm probably averaging 4-5 hours broken sleep a night which for someone who pre kids needed at least 8 hours a night, it's a killer! So understandably, sleep is very precious to me right now and sex is the last thing on my mind. DH just doesn't seem to understand this. Last night for example, I get back into bed at 4am, ready to make the most of the 2 hours before DS is up for the day. DH decides this is a good time to initiate some sexy time, then gets in a massive mood when I'm not up for it. He's still not really talking to me properly this evening!

Maybe her husband could "make the effort" to share nights with his wife to care for the child that is 50%.

Maybe her husband could "make the effort" not be so absolutely tone deaf as to instigate sex with her when she's had barely any sleep and is running on empty.

Maybe her husband could "'make the effort" not to sulk when he isn't doing those things, to the point he isn't really speaking to his wife the evening after she didn't want to have sex during the couple of precious hours she has to actually sleep.

Maybe.

GrandRapids · 25/05/2022 23:16

Suggest to him that he does all of the night wakings for the next 7 days, allowing you to have uninterrupted sleep and then promise him on the 8th day you'll be ready for some serious sex action at 4am.

wellhelloitsme · 25/05/2022 23:16

@AntonHeck

So no sex even without the 'turnoff', but if he gets upset, well that's the justification. Wow. Just wow.

She is exhausted. Do you not get that?

AntonHeck · 25/05/2022 23:18

NoSquirrels · 25/05/2022 23:14

Hello, OP’s husband. So you think a 4am shag after doing night wakings with a baby is just “making an effort”, eh?

Show quote history

Don't be silly, as an isolated incident of course the husband is BU for getting upset. But clearly he's being ignored and his needs haven't been met for a long time (and before you advise him to sort himself out, sex is more about the intimacy).

All I'm saying is it's unreasonable to expect someone to be faithful and not have sex outside of the marriage, if you're not willing to have sex within the marriage.

NoSquirrels · 25/05/2022 23:23

as an isolated incident of course the husband is BU for getting upset. But clearly he's being ignored and his needs haven't been met for a long time

Did you read the OP Anton? I think you’re projecting a bit - the OP’s husband gets regular sex. He’s not ignored. His needs aren’t ignored. OK, he’d like more sex, but his wife would like more sleep so, you know, until the baby sleeps that’s the situation. He can help her get more sleep, then he can get more sex. Everyone wins.

wellhelloitsme · 25/05/2022 23:25

All I'm saying is it's unreasonable to expect someone to be faithful and not have sex outside of the marriage, if you're not willing to have sex within the marriage

They have a 17 month old and already usually have sex once a week.

At the moment it's around once a fortnight, temporarily, because OP is utterly exhausted.

Would you want to be intimate with someone who lies next to you every night but wasn't sharing the burden of having a child overnight any nights and then wanted sex when you finally got into bed, shattered, from yet another night of getting up every 1-2 hours? You'd not want to spend that couple of precious hours sleeping in order to be a functional human the next day before doing it all again.

I can only imagine you've never been exhausted and / or are a man so don't see this from the POV of someone society expects to be simultaneously a great mum and up for a shag after no sleep because of no help.

The absolute entitlement of a bloke doing fuck all to share the burden of his own child getting up every couple of hours being out out that he doesn't get shagged at the end of one of those long nights in the only window for unbroken sleep his wife, who he hasn't been sharing overnight care with.

I cannot fathom being THAT entitled.