Husband wants more sex..I'm just too shattered! AIBU?

[GreenSippyCup77]

Title says it all really! My DH has complained that we don't have enough sex. I try to make sure we do it once a week, but more recently its more like once a fortnight. I understand where he's coming from as I'm embarrassed that this doesn't sound like much for a couple in their 30's. However I have zero libido at the moment as I'm just permanently exhausted! I'm a SAHM to our wonderful 17 month old DS who is currently going through quite a rough patch with sleep (think it's the dreaded molars). He's up 2-3 times a night and will only settle back to sleep on me, which can take 1-2 hours before he's back in his cot and I'm back in bed. I'm probably averaging 4-5 hours broken sleep a night which for someone who pre kids needed at least 8 hours a night, it's a killer! So understandably, sleep is very precious to me right now and sex is the last thing on my mind. DH just doesn't seem to understand this. Last night for example, I get back into bed at 4am, ready to make the most of the 2 hours before DS is up for the day. DH decides this is a good time to initiate some sexy time, then gets in a massive mood when I'm not up for it. He's still not really talking to me properly this evening! He seems to think it means I don't find him attractive or that I don't love him anymore which is far from the truth. I know in my head that our sex life will improve once DS starts sleeping a bit better again and I'm not so knackered, but I'm worried it's starting to affect our relationship now. Just wanted to get some opinions - AIBU? Should I be trying harder to fulfill my DH's needs at the expense of my own need for sleep? How can I explain to my DH without him getting the hump and taking it all so personally?

That was meant to say:

The absolute entitlement of a bloke doing fuck all to share the burden of his own child getting up every couple of hours being put out that he doesn't get shagged at the end of one of those long nights in the only window for unbroken sleep his wife, who he hasn't been sharing overnight care with.

If DH can wake up for sexy time, he can wake up and help settle his child as well... be part of the family fun and games his nob played a role in making.

Exactly this - he can magically stay awake long enough to get a shag but not to do his share (or any share at all) of nights with his own child. The absolute audacity of it. Who do these blokes think they are?!

Some awful misogynistic replies here. Ask yourself why would he be happy to have sex with you knowing that you don't really want it? It's sinister.

The moping and sulking is emotional abuse.

Give yourself a break. You're exhausted. I know what sleep deprivation is like. Frankly I think once a fortnight in your situation he should count himself lucky.

Is he selfish and uncaring in other ways?

Yes, you're so right. When people enter into an exclusive relationship and have children, both agree to respect each other and not be really rapey.

So he should definitely be doing more night-time childcare.

Glad we agree.

If your libido is non existent, twice a week is far, far too much

Health comes first, and going for 17 months without recovering your sleep is bad for your health. The person who is failing to do their share for the marriage, here, is your husband, who is not sharing in the burden of night waking that is causing you to be sleep deprived. I am shocked at those who believe that your (supposed) obligation to "put out" should exist despite your being so exhausted looking after a baby, and despite his failure to share that burden. That is contemptible. A woman is not a sex doll to be used for the pleasure of her husband no matter the effect on her own health. Disgusting.

Also, fortnightly is not exactly a sexless marriage. But if your health meant that you were available even less than fortnightly, it would still be wrong to expect you to serve up sex on schedule. That turns you into a utilitarian object. Not acceptable.

Tell him your going to parents or anywhere were you can good night sleep he will be in charge of baby see how he likes being sleep deprived. Then ask him still up for it selfish sod.

Well - has he said he won't settle your child at night? Hopefully you didnt prefer to or get into a pattern of doing it all? Sort out sharing the night settling with your H

you sound like you are 17 and have been mainlining some serious Reddit.

oops sorry squirrels i was aiming that at antonarse!

Sunday afternoons? Saturday morning’s?
Doesn’t have to be at night!
At what age do most men stop wanting sex? I’m just so not interested but squeeze one in weekly with the rest of my chores.
he’s 58!

"FGS she's a SAHM and the kid is almost a year and a half. There should be ample time to catch up on some sleep during the day. You know, when her husband is out actually working."

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! When? When the toddler is trying to climb on chairs to light the stove? When he's working out how to turn his toy into sharp object and stab himself with it? When he's trying to see if the window can be opened wide enough so he can jump out and fly? When exactly, is this utopian part of the day where the caregiver for a toddler can go peacefully to sleep?

Who exactly is this mythical toddler who's been surviving the past six months on 4-5 broken hours of sleep?

Having raised several toddlers, not to mention having worked in childcare with kids this age, I stand behind my skepticism that the OP really can't manage to grab some sleep throughout her busy SAHM schedule.

My posts would have been totally different 7 weeks PP, but 17 months for a SAHM? C'mon that's taking the mick.

@AntonHeck - wouldn’t it be better if the DH sorts out her sleep since that is the main blocker? What if he does night wakings on the weekends? Some people take longer to go to sleep once woken up.

There should be ample time to catch up on some sleep during the day. You know, when her husband is out actually working.

Have you met a toddler? Like ever?

OP ignore anton, talking utter bollocks. Sleep deprivation is a form of torture, your H needs to get up and do his bit at night if he wants intimacy to return

@AntonHeck the problem isn’t about when the OP can catch up on sleep. The problem is her husband having a complete lack of empathy for her situation, which you obviously do too. That is the relationship problem here. The solution isn’t for the OP to get more sleep, it’s for her husband to have more empathy.

FYI Men having a lack of empathy is a massive turn off. As a previous post said, sleep deprivation is a form of torture. Her husband doesn’t seem to understand that and wants his needs met before understanding or empathising with hers. That is obviously unreasonable!

My libido would be non existent too, if I felt pressured into having sex with a man child who sulked when he couldn’t get his end away when he snapped his fingers. Yuk! Make him take his turn doing the night shifts at the weekends as a little taster as to what you have to endure, and don’t let the selfish prat make you feel guilty for being exhausted.

There's very few times that I feel compelled to react against a post but Anton, you have stepped right out of the 1950s and I am in absolute awe of your take on this. You have encapsulated every rapey, entitled and misogynistic bilious opinion at its finest. Bravo for shining a bright light on these views that still clearly exist and reminding us all why we have been fighting so hard for equality . We still have a long way to go before we can ensure that opinions such as yours are entirely eradicated. Shame on you.

Sex once a week or every other week is a sexless marriage?! WTAF

What the fuck am I reading?

"Ive agreed not to shag anyone else so either you do it with me or I will!"

What a nasty rapey attitude to sex this shows. I bet sex with a knackered unwilling person is really enjoyable to for you.

Well said