Husband wants more sex..I'm just too shattered! AIBU?

[GreenSippyCup77]

Title says it all really! My DH has complained that we don't have enough sex. I try to make sure we do it once a week, but more recently its more like once a fortnight. I understand where he's coming from as I'm embarrassed that this doesn't sound like much for a couple in their 30's. However I have zero libido at the moment as I'm just permanently exhausted! I'm a SAHM to our wonderful 17 month old DS who is currently going through quite a rough patch with sleep (think it's the dreaded molars). He's up 2-3 times a night and will only settle back to sleep on me, which can take 1-2 hours before he's back in his cot and I'm back in bed. I'm probably averaging 4-5 hours broken sleep a night which for someone who pre kids needed at least 8 hours a night, it's a killer! So understandably, sleep is very precious to me right now and sex is the last thing on my mind. DH just doesn't seem to understand this. Last night for example, I get back into bed at 4am, ready to make the most of the 2 hours before DS is up for the day. DH decides this is a good time to initiate some sexy time, then gets in a massive mood when I'm not up for it. He's still not really talking to me properly this evening! He seems to think it means I don't find him attractive or that I don't love him anymore which is far from the truth. I know in my head that our sex life will improve once DS starts sleeping a bit better again and I'm not so knackered, but I'm worried it's starting to affect our relationship now. Just wanted to get some opinions - AIBU? Should I be trying harder to fulfill my DH's needs at the expense of my own need for sleep? How can I explain to my DH without him getting the hump and taking it all so personally?

I think if your husband were able to settle your son, this would kill a lot of birds, so to speak. You'd get more sleep and feel better, there would be a fairer division of childcare responsibilities and night waking, your husband would develop a stronger relationship with your son, he'd be more empathetic of what's involved when you're a primary carer - and yes, you'd probably be more up for intimacy!

From your OP I gather you haven't really fully explained how you feel to him - if you initiate that conversation, explain how tired you are, and reassure him you still find him attractive, I think you will see an improvement in the situation. But realistically things will only get better if your husband takes more night wakings.

Ignore the 'he's a selfish arse, divorce him' posts, Mumsnet is terrible for random people telling other posters to uproot their lives so they can read a 20-page thread of drama. They don't want the best for you.

So you are caring for 2 sulking babies. Good luck to ya 🍀

This is utter bollocks.

OP is sleep deprived due to night wakings of their DS, which she is dealing with alone.

Her DH seems to help with no night wakings apart from to pester her for sex.

OP, stop worrying about his feelings here. You have done nothing wrong and he is turning into a sex pest.

Tell him that you are beyond exhausted and give him the next few days/nights of night wakings to do. See how "up for it" he is after that, and so what if he sulks. Ignore him.

If he really won't leave you alone then you may have to consider options, but that will become clear soon enough.

Buy him a fleshlight

I get back into bed at 4am, ready to make the most of the 2 hours before DS is up for the day. DH decides this is a good time to initiate some sexy time, then gets in a massive mood when I'm not up for it.

OMFG no. Especially not at 4am and when you've had to get up during the night.
The throwing a strop is manipulation.

I know in my head that our sex life will improve once DS starts sleeping a bit better again and I'm not so knackered, but I'm worried it's starting to affect our relationship now

That would be down to your DH and his lack of patience, attempts to get you to have sex when you don't want it, and sulking.

maybe sex is the only time you get to connect and have some quality time together

@Readtheroom Having sex when one of the people involved doesn't really want it, isn't spending quality time together or connecting.

@AntonHeck

You need to have a good think about what it means to be the kind of man who wants a woman to have sex when she doesn't want to. The kind of man who could enjoy sex with a woman knowing she's not really into it.

Spoiler alert - it's not a good kind of man.

The thought of shagging someone who isn't really into it makes me feel gross. I cannot imagine wanting to do it, it's so intrusive and basically reduces someone down to their sex organs if you know their brain isn't on board.

Makes me shudder.

Go away for a week and leave him to do all the night wakes solo. Upon your return where you will be feeling nice and well rested, proceed to initiate sex at 4am and see how he likes it.
Job done.

DH, when you can settle DS at night then I’ll have more sleep and be up for a shag at 4am.

😂 I don't have kids but it's unlikely I'll ever appreciate someone trying it on with me at 4am when I'm trying to sleep.

Good sex starts outside the bedroom, more men should take this on board. It means being thoughtful and kind and caring in general, not because it means the man will 'get something 'as a reward . It's not about great big gestures, it's about day-to-day living and thinking about the other person. It does NOT mean the woman dresses up like a porn star or is always available.

I’m just so not interested but squeeze one in weekly with the rest of my chores.

This is such a shame @GreenSippyCup77 , that so many women are having sex when they don't want it because we feel we have to (I've been in the same situation in the past.) We should feel able to not have sex we don't want.

@AntonHeck

I'm really puzzled why you're on this thread.... in fact, on this board? It's called MUMSnet - go join dadsnet or whatever. This is supposed to be a supportive space for women / mums.

I think he'd be better on an incel / MRA subreddit with his views on women's sexual obligations (boak) tbh.

Should you be lying back and letting him hump you when he's horny even though you just want sleep?? Do I even need to answer that?

Talk outside of the bedroom where it isn't yo u saying no, it's conversation. Tell him YOU feel unloved and uncared for when he just wants to get his leg over regardless and he isn't bothered how you feel. When you have to do every wake up and never get chance to catch up. When the bulk of parental stress falls on you. That you'd LOVE to jump his bones five times a week but you're SHATTERED because you don't get enough sleep. So, he's welcome to go wank quietly whilst you sleep, take on the burden of wake ups so you catch up on sleep eventually or wait until his kid sleeps properly.

My kids like to sleep in their buggy on the school run. Perhaps I can ask school to keep DS til 6, park the kids up outside and nap on the grass?

Also I get less sleep than my toddlers. If I went up to bed when they did I'd never see DH, do Uni work or tidy up. So I get less sleep between their bedtime and mine, less sleep when they've gone back to sleep and I'm still touching them so they don't wake up, less sleep because it then takes me tien to get back to sleep etc.

Also "actually working" vs running around after a toddler, keeping the house clean, cooking the meals, doing his washing etc. Yeah, I just Amazon and Nap all day whilst DS kills himself over his spreadsheets, 😂😂😂

I'm so confused by this. When do you get to sleep in the day with an 18 month old child?

Also, the DH is an arsehole. He should either do his fair share of night waking or STFU. He can't have it both ways.

What an unattractive man baby. Tell him to do half the night shifts so you can catch up on sleep, then you'll think about sex.

I'm so confused by this. When do you get to sleep in the day with an 18 month old child?, well you know - on the bus, in the car, anytime your toddler naps you should just lie down and sleep so you're ready for sex in the night

@Whatabambam 1950s! Exactly what I thought when reading some of these replies. Lack of sleep over a period of time is torture. Add a lively toddler and a sulky husband - it must be hard going.

Hollie McNish summed it up nicely for me.

Tell him to do two nights Friday and Saturday with baby then u can sleep. I would 'reward' him with sex any day for a decent nights sleep. Not sure he'd be up to it though but might be more understanding

Should I be trying harder to fulfill my DH's needs at the expense of my own need for sleep?

Why in earth do some men expect, even want to have sex with a woman who is so, so tired. Almost as if she is an appliance for his gratification.

I always ready these threads and think, damn just leave your phone open on it and let him see for himself lol

My own libido falls a little every time I read one of Anton's replies in this thread.

Rapey much?

Ha, yes. If he's willing to do Friday & Saturday nights, all wakings, you could suggest Sunday for sexy time. You'll be rested & he'll figure out why you don't feel up for it the rest of the week.

Or, tell him straight, that sulking makes you dry up like the Sahara & you'd been labouring under the illusion that you only had 1 child to pander to.