My wife is cheating and I don't know what to do

[mike1970s]

I am a man, I should state that from the start.

My wife is the love of my life. I mean I just adore her. We have been married for almost 20 years and I thought we were both so happy. We get on well, have regular sex, enjoy the other's company, have meaningful conversations, have fulfilling careers, have an amazing teenage son, go on lovely holidays together, etc. I can't imagine ever being with anyone but her, she is so kind and funny, clever, strong-willed and gentle. I am in love with her.

Last week my world was shattered. I was in a restaurant with a work contact. It is fairly far from my office and not somewhere my wife and I have been before, so I can see why she thought it was "safe".

I arrived early and was sitting near the entrance, waiting for the table to be available. My head was buried in my phone, so I didn't even realise my wife had walked in, with the husband of her friend, until I heard her voice.

They had their hands all over each other, it was like watching a pair of animals in heat. I am not exaggerating when I say that I think I lost consciousness temporarily. I literally fainted with the shock. i think that's what happened, because a few seconds later I looked up and they were gone. I started to think I had imagined it - and I do have epilepsy, which can cause all sorts of weird and wonderful symptoms - but I stood up and peeked over the partition thing, and there they were, holding hands across the table.

I literally walked out and hailed the first taxi I saw. The person I was meeting saw me leaving and was apparently trying to wave at me, to catch my attention (I later discovered this, when my boss hauled me over the coals for my conduct). I honestly had tunnel vision though, I was just feeling so shocked and sick.

I managed to hold it together in the taxi, but as soon as I stepped in the house I just broke down. I don't know what to do now, I don't want my marriage to end, but how can I continue like this?

I can honestly say I trusted my wife 100%. When she said she had to work late, I didn't question it. When she said she was meeting friends, I believed her. Why wouldn't I?

I don't think she saw me at the restaurant, as she has been acting normally. I have feigned illness, to explain my weird behaviour. My epilepsy medication can sometimes make me a bit out of it anyway, so I don't think she suspects anything.

I lie next to her in bed and feel sick knowing what she is doing. I look at her and just feel... devastated. I am so ashamed of not being enough for her. I know it must be my fault somehow, because she is the sweetest and most loyal person. There is no way she would do this without me driving her to it somehow. I just feel so ashamed and humiliated. I don't know what to do now, do I just let it run its course and act oblivious?

I should be honest and say that I did suffer from some erectile dysfunction for about 5 months last year, whilst my medication was being tweaked. Maybe that is what pushed her into this, I don't know. I am largely back to normal, but I do sometimes struggle still. I am not exactly proud of any of this, but I feel I should share the full story. I manage it around 70% of the time, which is pathetic, I know. Maybe I should switch back to my other medication? It didn't control my symptoms as well, but at least I didn't have this side-effect.

I think it must be a physical thing, because we are just as emotionally close as ever.

Dear Mike, I've only just stumbled across your thread. I'm so sorry for what you've been through, and pleased you've managed to find such a source of support on this thread. This is Mumsnet at its very best.

I wanted to add a comment because there is much in your story which resonates with my own - specifically in relation to your father. When I read how a PP wrote 'he took out his insecurities on a vulnerable and defenceless child' I winced, because this is what my father did to my brother and me. The language your father used to describe you is practically identical to the language ours used to describe us (and that you, sadly, now use to describe yourself). Useless. Stupid. A waste of space. My brother is a kind and good man but even now he's in his forties, the words 'waste of space' turns him apoplectic with rage. You can call him anything you like, but use those three words and he'll become the hulk in a nanosecond.

Our mum died young. My darling, beloved brother, who's younger than me and always protected me to the best of his ability, is in an advanced state of alcoholism. (That's another long story, but as his sole living relative I'm all he has to support him, and I do, to the best of my ability). And me? I'm like you. I felt I had something to prove to the world all the time, so I, also, completed a PhD. I became an academic. I married and had a child, and I created a better life for myself. But in my forties, I got sick - mentally and physically ill - in a way I couldn't understand as I'd thought I was a reasonably together person. To cut a long story short, it was in response to a very specific trigger and the eventual diagnosis was cPTSD. I've had 18 months of EMDR therapy and am now more mentally well than I've ever been in my life.

The cause of my cPTSD is childhood trauma. The same trauma is highly likely to be responsible for my brother's alcoholism. I'm sharing this story because with a father like yours, and mine - they were psychopaths, do you realize this? - it's likely you are similarly traumatized. I recognize the way you talk about yourself. The self-loathing. The thinking of yourself as worthless and stupid. This is because you've been told all your life this is what you are, and you later married someone who perpetuated this cycle.

I think the best thing you could have done - though it doesn't seem that way - is discover your wife's affair. It could be your first step on the road to real recovery. I once thought of myself in the way you do. Now, I look at myself and see a woman who surmounted the odds of an appalling background, who used my intelligence to work for a PhD, who made a family, and, most importantly of all, was determined not to pass that cycle of abuse, humiliation and despair on to my son.

If any of this is true of you, mere counselling isn't going to cut it. You need specific, targeted trauma therapy - I have no faith in CPD but EMDR is a game-changer and you will find other posters on MN who've said the same thing. And before you see this as a stigma, don't. PTSD isn't a mental illness, it's a textbook human reaction to trauma. It's not your fault, any more than my trauma was mine. The real crux of this issue isn't really your wife, I would suspect. At the root of it all is your father.

The right therapy has turned my life around. I no longer life live as though I'm fighting some great battle all the time. My life is calm and peaceful. I'm a respected academic and a good mum. I believe - I hope - I'm a good person. The bastards didn't grind me down and break me. And they won't break you.

It will be painful. I'm not saying it won't. You have a long, hard road ahead of you and I'm sorry. But you can come out on the other side, live a full, happy life and recover, even from deep-seated trauma like this. I am living proof.

@MarieIVanArkleStinks
Thank you for sharing that wonderful post. Well done for turning your life around. Wishing you and OP a life of ever-increasing happiness. 💗💗💗💗💗

Everything @MarieIVanArkleStinks said.
Please, can I add another point here ,and I am saying this to forewarn you.
I have found that many people, not ALL, who have affairs and leave their partners to 'start a new life', find that after the thrill has gone they are not happy with the new partner. Think carefully if she wants to return in the weeks/months ahead. I know people who had this happen to them, and it seemed, to me, to be any port in a storm. You deserve so much better.

@MarieIVanArkleStinks what a thoughtful and thought-provoking post. You've been through a lot and are stronger for it, although I'm sure it wasn't easy. Well done 💐
Wise words for Mike, I hope he can find comfort in them and know the future is bright, even more in his darkest days.

Maybe I will get lots of dogs. We had to give our family dog away when I was a kid and my dad told me it was because I scared it with my seizures. I still don't know if he was joking or not, but I would hate to put another dog through that. Maybe I will get lots of goldfish instead, that's about more my level, I think. Stupid useless twat that I am.

Your dad sounds rather abusive and I think in the months and years to come, that's something to consider talking through with someone. If I were you I'd get a support dog - they are able to detect impending seizures and help people then take action to mitigate the effects. www.supportdogs.org.uk/epilepsy-seizure-alert that's for the UK, but I think they're available in many countries.

OP, I'm so dreadfully sorry and can add no further words of advice to the many who have commented since your update, except to say, you must stop putting yourself down! Anyone would be struggling under similar circumstances. You are not alone.

Total respect for not begging, doing the pick me dance and for effectively telling her to sling her hook! You deserve so very much more, as does your son. It is going to be a difficult and traumatic time ahead BUT you will come through all this and be happy again. Please use this forum for support and to vent if it helps. We are all rooting for you. ((Big hug))

Oh, Mike. This is such a hard situation. But you hear this...this is not the end of your life. You AND your son will come out the other side of this stronger and ready to take on a new life. I'm sure you will meet some one who will make you realize what happiness really feels like.

@mike1970s A massive massive hug. Life is not over. This will be a shitty time but you and your son will create an amazing home life and have a closer relationship for it.

and when he goes to uni… you can contribute so much to your community and friend circle that you will have built by then. You can restart old interests and hobbies. Find new ones. Meet new people. Travel. Volunteer. The world is your oyster. And just look at the amazing boy you have who loves you so much. He’s a fabulous reason to live your best life and show him how grateful you are for his love and support.

What was your thesis in

Why? What's wrong with the post?

*turn of phrase

It did occur to me. There's a lot of it about. But it might be genuine - not everyone's the best at expression - and even if it isn't, some of the responses might help someone else.

I'd rather look foolish for being taken in (face it, who cares; we're just a bunch of fonts) or on the other hand might be of use to someone - any reader of the thread with an interest for whatever reason - in which case it's worth posting.

When you post on a site like this it's the risk you take.

Tell the friends wife, tell the world...your family, get support...but realise thats not love, at least for you...its abuse, no excuse...none... Cancel all shared financial assets, take everything away you can and right after talking to lawyer, all in a day or 2....do not wait....she should come home to a few plastic and
a few bags of clothes at the outside front door, (no jewelry all sold already) a notice from your lawyer that they will be representing you and hope the guys wife does the same as you had her served with a legal notice as well....Evil needs to be fought with strength and a swift recourse....

You need comfort, home massage, support from everyone you think would be kind and care for you... Do not, ever blame yourself because if you really felt all you said and even tried to take blame for some medication issue for 5 months, that is totally unimportant as being valued, loved, held is all you need to fill our hearts with joy