My wife is cheating and I don't know what to do

[mike1970s]

I am a man, I should state that from the start.

My wife is the love of my life. I mean I just adore her. We have been married for almost 20 years and I thought we were both so happy. We get on well, have regular sex, enjoy the other's company, have meaningful conversations, have fulfilling careers, have an amazing teenage son, go on lovely holidays together, etc. I can't imagine ever being with anyone but her, she is so kind and funny, clever, strong-willed and gentle. I am in love with her.

Last week my world was shattered. I was in a restaurant with a work contact. It is fairly far from my office and not somewhere my wife and I have been before, so I can see why she thought it was "safe".

I arrived early and was sitting near the entrance, waiting for the table to be available. My head was buried in my phone, so I didn't even realise my wife had walked in, with the husband of her friend, until I heard her voice.

They had their hands all over each other, it was like watching a pair of animals in heat. I am not exaggerating when I say that I think I lost consciousness temporarily. I literally fainted with the shock. i think that's what happened, because a few seconds later I looked up and they were gone. I started to think I had imagined it - and I do have epilepsy, which can cause all sorts of weird and wonderful symptoms - but I stood up and peeked over the partition thing, and there they were, holding hands across the table.

I literally walked out and hailed the first taxi I saw. The person I was meeting saw me leaving and was apparently trying to wave at me, to catch my attention (I later discovered this, when my boss hauled me over the coals for my conduct). I honestly had tunnel vision though, I was just feeling so shocked and sick.

I managed to hold it together in the taxi, but as soon as I stepped in the house I just broke down. I don't know what to do now, I don't want my marriage to end, but how can I continue like this?

I can honestly say I trusted my wife 100%. When she said she had to work late, I didn't question it. When she said she was meeting friends, I believed her. Why wouldn't I?

I don't think she saw me at the restaurant, as she has been acting normally. I have feigned illness, to explain my weird behaviour. My epilepsy medication can sometimes make me a bit out of it anyway, so I don't think she suspects anything.

I lie next to her in bed and feel sick knowing what she is doing. I look at her and just feel... devastated. I am so ashamed of not being enough for her. I know it must be my fault somehow, because she is the sweetest and most loyal person. There is no way she would do this without me driving her to it somehow. I just feel so ashamed and humiliated. I don't know what to do now, do I just let it run its course and act oblivious?

I should be honest and say that I did suffer from some erectile dysfunction for about 5 months last year, whilst my medication was being tweaked. Maybe that is what pushed her into this, I don't know. I am largely back to normal, but I do sometimes struggle still. I am not exactly proud of any of this, but I feel I should share the full story. I manage it around 70% of the time, which is pathetic, I know. Maybe I should switch back to my other medication? It didn't control my symptoms as well, but at least I didn't have this side-effect.

I think it must be a physical thing, because we are just as emotionally close as ever.

Good advice. Harsh, but that's what she needs (deserves).

you move away from friends ...for her...she isolated you from them with BS as a truely abusive person needs you to be isolated and with no support...you brother his wife knew she was shit, bet your old friends did as well...She has abused and manipulated you from the beginning, these types can pick out the formerly abused child and move in like a predator goes for the old, sick, weak deer...A professional will confirm that and your own terrible low self esteem and blaming yourself is proof..You are a victim and a kind sensitive person...pls make sure your son is taught about all of this so he does not repeat what he learned from mom the abuser or dad the child victim trapped in the body of a man...both are toxic

but in your case not your fault...at all....

Thank you for your kind wishes, those who sent them. It is very much appreciated.

My phd is in law, my thesis (pre-brexit) focussed on the use of EU legislation to create a possible legal framework, which would govern the extraordinary rendition of suspects to territories known to use "advanced interrogation techniques" - i.e. torture - in counter-terrorism cases. I do work in the legal sector, but unfortunately it is unrelated to my doctoral studies.

My posts are "around midnight" because I suffer from insomnia and this is the time of day/night when I feel the greatest need for company/to vent.

The "self-flagellation"... Have you ever been cheated on by someone you love and thought you could trust? Do you have any idea how blindsided you are and just how utterly idiotic it makes you feel? How useless you feel to have not been enough for your spouse, who you trusted implicitly? The feeling that the whole world is laughing at you, that you are a joke to others. Just an idiot. Additionally, did you spend 18 years being routinely shamed, chastised, humiliated, rejected, verbally abused, slapped, called names, mocked and generally ridiculed by one of your parents (who simultaneously treated your sibling incredibly well)? Do you have any idea what that does to your self-image? Or that the awful thoughts you have about yourself, that you thought you had dealt with, had in fact just been buried, only to resurface at the lowest point of your entire life. So yeah, my apologies if my "self-flagellation" seems disingenuous to anyone, but it turns out my self esteem was in fact dependent upon being loved by my wife and now that I don't have that, I don't have anything good to think about myself.

The speed of events unfolding. I don't really know how to respond to that, other than to say how do you think I feel? How do you think my poor son feels? Our lives have been torn apart in a complete bloody whirlwind of shitness, but I'm sorry if the speed of my life falling apart casts doubt on my believability. What do you want me to say?! I saw them together, I began to look over recent events with a more critical eye, I started to fall apart, I reached out here, I contacted my amazing brother, the stress/not eating/lack of sleep caused a really bad tonic-clonic seizure, my wife's coldness in her reaction to this made me realise just how little I mean to her, this realisation made me confront her, made me stand up to her and insist she leave. Meanwhile my brother had arranged time off and flown over to support me, because he is an incredibly caring person, who I don't deserve. The bedsit is available through the "other man" 's job. I didn't exactly ask for details, because I don't want to know, but I presume that they had been using it over the course of their "relationship". I think officially he uses the bedsit for nights when he has been working late and can't trvael home, but frankly I don't know or care. As I say, I am not sure of the exact speed of my family being torn apart that would be non "fishy" to you. I will be sure to take my time on the next occasion that my entire life implodes, so that you don't have to doubt my veracity.

I can't believe I have actually had to write a "justification" of myself. I wonder if a woman who had discovered hr spouse was cheating would be met with the same disbelief..

To the people who provided genuine support, encouragement and advice - thank you all so much, it is hugely appreciated.

PS, I have literally never read another Mumsnet post. I reached out here because I couldn't find any men's forums, except for the "let's discuss the 50 best ways to work your abs" sort of thing. I didn't know where else to turn and I was desperate. I have no idea about the usual decorum on the site, and I accept full responsibility for this oversight, as I should have familiarised myself with it before posting. I HATE that I have so much shit in my brain and yet I am now being forced to "prove" myself here into the bargain. But yes, if there is a problem with my style of writing, or it seems incongruent with the usual tone/style/length/language/acronyms, etc etc for this site, then I apologise. But I feel that to filter or edit myself now would be disingenuous of me.

If there is a problem with the content... well I don't even know how to respond to that. It is what it is. I am still in shock, grieving my life. Grieving my FAMILY. I can't change what has happened, as much as I would desperately love to, for the sake of my son and yes, for myself too. I never thought I would also have to add "suspicious mumsnet users" to the list of reasons for why I want to change everything about recent events. It is ridiculous. I can't even wrap my head around anything that has happened, I am a zombie right now, to be perfectly honest.

I am truly grateful to all who helped me through this shitshow that my life has become. To the others, I am too emotionally and physically exhausted to even waste any more time on trying to "prove myself" to you. I hope that you never have to experience any of what I have, because I have felt genuinely sick, physically ill over it. Not to mention the mental pain.

@TrifleFunny "BlueTitSmilingAtMe

What was your thesis in"

"Some thing to do with gender and online communication, that's for sure.. Let's hope it wasn't creative writing."

What? I know you are trying to insult me, but I am not actually sure what you mean by this comment. If you PM me then I can send you precise details on how to access my thesis via the university library. I hope you enjoy reading it and expanding your mind. I did in fact manage to pass my Viva, despite my writing style being so similar to "dreadful fan fiction", lol. Luckily my external examiner, et al saw past that glaring flaw. I'm sorry if my writing style leads you to some doubt, I really can't help the way I express myself (or fail to) though.

@MarieIVanArkleStinks Thank you so much for sharing your experience. I am sorry we had similar childhood experiences with our dads, and I am so sorry to hear that it has affected the health of both you and your brother. It is something almost impossible to describe, the way that the very foundations of your personality have been distorted and broken by your own parent. Someone who is supposed to be building you, giving you solid foundations for life. I hadn't even really thought about my dad - not consciously anyway - until the past month, but now everything he said (and his exact facial expression and tone of voice when he said it) is swirling round my head, and I feel I have proven him right, by proving that I am indeed "unloveable". And all the rest of it. Useless, stupid, etc.

Well done on breaking the cycle with your own son. I know how easy it could be to fall into the words and behaviours of the example we were set.

Thank you for the recommendation, I have never heard of EMDR, but I will definitely look into it. It is so disappointing that all of these things which I thought I had already dealt with have resurfaced. My own brain is kicking me when I'm down, that's how it feels.

You are so lucky to work in academia! I tried to apply for post-docs and teaching positions, but funding for my subject was pretty sparse at the time (not sure how it is now). Science gets all the money! Fair enough though, it is definitely more useful!

Thank you again for such an insightful and kind response. I hope you continue to heal from the wounds of your childhood.

Just to say, I find nothing 'wrong' about your posts . You are clearly very intelligent and well-educated . I hope that today is better for you and that all of your tomorrows improve bit by bit. Take care.

Hi OP please don't feel you need to prove yourself to anyone on here. We're here to provide emotional support and many will do. There will be some who doubt but i would advise to ignore them. You have much bigger problems to deal with in person.

Please do let us know how you get on. Is your brother still around?

I hope you enjoy reading it and expanding your mind

🤔

You sound lovely op just like the decent kind of guy a lot of the members here would give their left phalange for. I agree with the suggestion of therapy, invest in your future self.

Ignore the idiots who can't see outside their own four walls.

Wishing you well, OP. Your situation sounds so hard and I hope the positivity on here for you helps a bit.

I wonder if a woman who had discovered hr spouse was cheating would be met with the same disbelief

Yes, they might well do, I've seen it happen. It's a predominantly female site and whoever is posting there will often be troll hunters. And people are sometimes right about this. There are times when I click on the threads I'm on to find the first half dozen or so have been pulled by MN because they're by previously banned posters or because the mods think there is something off about the thread.

So I wouldn't take it personally, as hard as that may be, and I certainly wouldn't be accusing people of some form of bias. One can get somewhat jaded if you find you've been repeatedly taken in. The only thing I would say is that if people have doubts, it's better to report it than express it on the thread.

I agree with reporting but I also think it is useful to give people the heads up

The other difference is that those of us doubting the validity of this story - do not insult the other supportive responders - just ask them to be wary

So if that makes me an idiot then so be it

You could try surviving infidelity subreddit on reddit - I think there is a website of similar name.

Not surprisingly, there are a lot of bitter people (men and women) on those forums - so might be a bit of a rabbit hole

Ok, sorry op. I hope u r ok.

I don’t it’s difficult to not take your wife’s behaviour personally, but it really is her, not you.

When she didn’t help you, or care, when you were recently ill, that really isn’t a reflection of your worth. Reading your thread makes me scream NARCISSIST in my head. A narc is unable to feel compassion for anyone, and is fully self obsessed and selfish. You should read up about their traits and see if you recognise her in these.

You were taken in by her, like many others are. They are very manipulative. You are not the first, and won’t be the last.

OP you have no idea how many times trolls make their way onto this board looking for amusement or attention or who knows what! Mumsnetters who have seen it all before are merely cautioning others. However, you have received lots of wise and supportive advice so far, so if you are indeed genuine l would concentrate on that.

So sorry to hear that, no one deserves to be cheated on. I was cheated on by a man I trusted with everything, we lived under the same roof and I didnt know he was cheating for many years. I eventually found out when I had ethical.gurru at gmail to monitor his phone, i saw deleted pictures and texts and was devastated and didnt know what to do, but eventually got myself together and I am glad I left that relationship. I hope you get the courage to do whatever your heart feels.

The "self-flagellation"... Have you ever been cheated on by someone you love and thought you could trust? Do you have any idea how blindsided you are and just how utterly idiotic it makes you feel? How useless you feel to have not been enough for your spouse, who you trusted implicitly? The feeling that the whole world is laughing at you, that you are a joke to others. Just an idiot.

Try and get angry rather than thinking this way OP. No one is laughing at you, just thinking your wife is awful.

I second a PP's suggestion of EMDR, it's great.

I'm female and had people think a thread of mine was fake too, by the way. There are some fake threads on here (less so than in the past maybe) but if someone accuses you of being fake it's really upsetting.

The ‘fishing’ posts have been removed by Mumsnet 👍

Do we understand, can we feel what you do.....yes, yes to all that and on top of that type of emotional abuse, suffered broken ribs, bones, ear canal destroyed so deaf in one ear from 7 years old...and all the same terrible things, including watching my mom beat to hell....and like you - used to repeat - over in my head that I'm at fault, not good enough, a piece of shit....yada yadda ....That voice was started by your dad and now if you listen, you can start to say no...I am a very smart person, people love me because I am kind, considerate, have empathy, tenderness....holy shit man...you are wonderful, but extremely abusive .....but abusive only to yourself....its in every 7th word in your story....STOP THAT NOW, STOP SAYING BAD THINGS ABOUT YOURSELF ...start erasing that negative tape in your mind....someone else , your dad and I guarantee your wife reinforced that....Your son in his anger and shock may fall back on MOMMY dearests attacks on you....If so hug him, tell him you will never stop loving him or listen too his feelings...ever, but ask for his help for you.... but make it perfectly clear,,,,,,daddy allows no one ever again to put him down, nor blame him ever... (I haven't seen my daughter, nor talked to her in 15 years as I would not allow her to abuse me like her mom did and I put up with 10 years of shared custody, because I let her have it....the lawyers, the court told ne not to....as not only did she get arrested for burning my skin off, (pleaded guilty to abuse) but attacking the court ordered child therapist in our divorce..

.I know sounds impossible, but your son watched and subconsciously learned from her and she abused and manipulated your broken child inside from the beginning...He has no idea he's been affected by this manipulation...."mummy no do't go out again, watch a movie with us.." My daughter learned it from mommy, her mom got rid of the real daddy, then the step dad...then she deserted the kids on the street... I thought my love, my acceptance of her unconditionally would work, but professionals told me 10 years before to read books on parental alienation and now its obvious, but too late....And I NEVER will I forgive her- if she figures it out....as I grieve losing a child, not because she died, its worst and everyday....because she's still alive... Be careful, your abusive wife will and is an expert at evil manipulation and abuse...He learned how easy it is to manipulate broken people like you...by making it your fault, you don't love them if you don't do it her way....Put you down, get you to agree to anything.,its your fault.......

Get your son into therapy now....not tommorrow...now...someone whom specializes in abuse... They could read this postings and understand without you having to go over it again...

People do not consciously do this type of abuse, its subconscious, learned, anger silently spewing out on the new family, you... My last brother I still talked to, five years ago finally when asked why did he do something so cruel against me, my brother whom I have never hurt, only helped unselfishly his whole life....gasped and finally said when I asked the 10th time, with proof...a recording..."I don't know" and he will never ever be apart of my life again... 65 years old at the time, last family now thrown out of my life....but no one has the right to abuse me.... (Some people will be gasping as they (usually abused people) repeat the manipulation that blood is thicker than water BS....) but a rabid dog can make a puppy, that doesn't make family...love, kindness, unselfish acceptance does.......sounds like your brother....

Get help, but like a drug addict, no one can fix these people....they have to figure out that now they are abusing themselves, self medicating for a unacknowledged broken soul....and only they (not society, not the latest rehab centre) can fix them....only they can - by stopping those evil tapes in their heads, started by someone in their childhood, but reinforced and volume increased by themselves.....and learning to love every part of themselves....What others think of you means sheeet, if you know its crap and you see how smart, loving you've become in your own eyes...

Think of it this way....you have read and seen articles about Christians self .flagellation....pounding off their own skin? You think thats crazy? Well, thats not as crazy, bad, as what you're doing to yourself...Skin, flesh heals.....but flagellation of your soul, mind never stops nor heals on its own...and its harder to stop your own self mental abuse...Jails, homeless, drug and alcohol abuse would be a much smaller society problem if abuse, narrcasistic etc.etc, warning signs were taught for years in schools...yup johny that bully is not really mad at you, his daddy is a drunk and mommy beats him... No more crazy friends, bosses and scociopaths would not be in charge as often...The public would watch a politician talk, act and laugh, what a piece of lieing broken sheeeeet....

Its a hard road, accepting the anger, losses, memories, lost opportuntities, friends "she did not like"... Rage at yourself for being so stupid (not anymore) .. its like a surreal movie, but true....start turning down the volume and learn to shut it off...

I believe in you....just be thankful you are not a pennyless victim like most of the population going through this same scenario ...with no help, no one to go to...

Remember people will respond to and help as person whom is fighting to get better, but many will recoil from a sniveling whinning victim that they can not watch self emotional flagellation for long, its just too much, too draining to care especially when you can't make a addict stop ....and they become an emotional vampire

Wary of what though? They aren't handing over money or meeting up with OP.

At worst, if a post isn't genuine, they are wasting a few minutes at a time on someone who isn't genuine.

So people should surely just report it then hide the thread rather than taking the time to report and announce they've done so or make shitty comments to a poster who may well be genuine.

Nobody on MN thinks everything on here is gospel. Every poster can only share their side of the story. If people invest too much headspace on other peoples posts then as adults it's on them.

I think OP is genuine but if he isn't, what real harm will it have done anyone other than wasting some time they voluntarily gave? Zero.

But @wellhelloitsme some people do meet up , some people do give money , some people have been ripped off right left and centre after being targeted in here . I know of one poster who met up with someone who did a similar hobby , to end the day £300 lighter .. but that's another story

It looks as if MNHQ are happy with the post so I wish the OP well in his future recovery from this awful situation 💐

I am so sorry to hear that it has turned out like this for you. You didn't deserve it and this is all about her, not you.

Glad to see your brother is supporting you, over time I am sure you will see you deserve much better.

Op I am so sorry to read your update and that your worst nightmare became a reality. I haven’t had time to read all the replies but based on your updates, I can tell a few more people haven’t been kind. You said you’re not familiar with the site but this is pretty standard unfortunately. You currently have 11 pages of replies though so for the very few negative ones, think about the world of supportive ones.
You don’t have to be a MN regular or be aware of all the “rules” to post here. You are allowed to write as much or as little as you like, if people have nothing nice to say they really should just carry on scrolling.

Please take care of yourself and your son, one baby step at a time. As with any loss in life, the only thing that helps is time and loads of it.
I send you my best wishes.