My wife is cheating and I don't know what to do

[mike1970s]

I am a man, I should state that from the start.

My wife is the love of my life. I mean I just adore her. We have been married for almost 20 years and I thought we were both so happy. We get on well, have regular sex, enjoy the other's company, have meaningful conversations, have fulfilling careers, have an amazing teenage son, go on lovely holidays together, etc. I can't imagine ever being with anyone but her, she is so kind and funny, clever, strong-willed and gentle. I am in love with her.

Last week my world was shattered. I was in a restaurant with a work contact. It is fairly far from my office and not somewhere my wife and I have been before, so I can see why she thought it was "safe".

I arrived early and was sitting near the entrance, waiting for the table to be available. My head was buried in my phone, so I didn't even realise my wife had walked in, with the husband of her friend, until I heard her voice.

They had their hands all over each other, it was like watching a pair of animals in heat. I am not exaggerating when I say that I think I lost consciousness temporarily. I literally fainted with the shock. i think that's what happened, because a few seconds later I looked up and they were gone. I started to think I had imagined it - and I do have epilepsy, which can cause all sorts of weird and wonderful symptoms - but I stood up and peeked over the partition thing, and there they were, holding hands across the table.

I literally walked out and hailed the first taxi I saw. The person I was meeting saw me leaving and was apparently trying to wave at me, to catch my attention (I later discovered this, when my boss hauled me over the coals for my conduct). I honestly had tunnel vision though, I was just feeling so shocked and sick.

I managed to hold it together in the taxi, but as soon as I stepped in the house I just broke down. I don't know what to do now, I don't want my marriage to end, but how can I continue like this?

I can honestly say I trusted my wife 100%. When she said she had to work late, I didn't question it. When she said she was meeting friends, I believed her. Why wouldn't I?

I don't think she saw me at the restaurant, as she has been acting normally. I have feigned illness, to explain my weird behaviour. My epilepsy medication can sometimes make me a bit out of it anyway, so I don't think she suspects anything.

I lie next to her in bed and feel sick knowing what she is doing. I look at her and just feel... devastated. I am so ashamed of not being enough for her. I know it must be my fault somehow, because she is the sweetest and most loyal person. There is no way she would do this without me driving her to it somehow. I just feel so ashamed and humiliated. I don't know what to do now, do I just let it run its course and act oblivious?

I should be honest and say that I did suffer from some erectile dysfunction for about 5 months last year, whilst my medication was being tweaked. Maybe that is what pushed her into this, I don't know. I am largely back to normal, but I do sometimes struggle still. I am not exactly proud of any of this, but I feel I should share the full story. I manage it around 70% of the time, which is pathetic, I know. Maybe I should switch back to my other medication? It didn't control my symptoms as well, but at least I didn't have this side-effect.

I think it must be a physical thing, because we are just as emotionally close as ever.

So sorry you're going through this OP. I've been following this thread but haven't commented before now. What a horrible shock but you sound like you have a good and supportive brother and your son sounds amazing. You will get through this.

So sorry you are going through this. Please stop the negative self-talk now though. You have done nothing wrong and done nothing to deserve this. Having been cheated on myself in the past I too felt as though it was me at fault…that if I had been different in some way it wouldn’t have happened. People cheat because there is a deficit in themselves…to boost their own self-esteem, ego / power or because of their own insecurity or lack of boundaries / moral compass. It isn’t about you. Honestly.

It will take time to heal but heal you will. I would suggest finding a counsellor you can talk this through with in a safe space. What has happened has brought your childhood memories back and those feelings of being worthless and vulnerable as a child. Work through this with a professional counsellor who can help you regain your power and navigate your way through these choppy waters.

I have been where you are and understand the devastation. Take time off work if it helps and give yourself space. See your GP. Ask for their support. Let your brother look after you. Look after your son. Look after yourself. for you.

I'll echo this.

Re: dogs. My friend has epilepsy and became blind as an adult. She had the first dual trained sight and seizure dog. The dog she has now can detect major seizures about 40mins before one comes and minor seizures about 15 minutes before. It's absolutely amazing. Don't discount having a dog for you and your DS, if that's what you guys want. I have cats (ok, not the same), but we (me and DC) wouldn't be without them :)

PS another thing to think of OP. If you and ex wife have a joint account, keep an eye and make sure you take some out in case she cleans it out.

Maybe I will get lots of goldfish instead, that's about more my level, I think. Stupid useless twat that I am.

What you should get, urgently, is lots of counselling.

Then a dog. You and your son would benefit.

Sending you lots of love @mike1970s your son sounds absolutely gorgeous. Don’t let this destroy the rest of your life. You are in the depths at the moment but life will get brighter again. Take care of yourself and your lovely boy x

None of this is your fault and you really need to stop blaming yourself, you've been let down (in different ways) by 2 of the people in your life who should have been there for you, your dad and your wife. Please speak through this with a therapist and don't close yourself off to loving again x

And go buy a damn dog!

OP I just want to reassure you that when you are ready, there are plenty of nice single mums out there who have been abused/cheated on by their partners. You don’t have to be alone for the rest of your life.

I’m so sorry this has happened, it’s over now so hopefully you can move on on day.

Your wife does sound horrible btw.

Your father was a cruel and insecure man who took out his insecurities on a vulnerable and defenceless child. Unsurprisingly you married someone who resonated that behaviour; a cruel person who took advantage of you.
I echo others that it is time to take care of yourself and do some healing from your childhood and your marriage.
Life is awful and you are suffering right now, but this level of pain is unsustainable and it will diminish.
If your son was going through the same how much would you do for him? You deserve the same, do for you everything that you would do for your son if he was suffering.
If it helps, come back and vent at the relentless shit of it! You can get through this.

Mike, please get some counselling for yourself.

The horrible things you are saying about yourself do not tally with your actions nor the way you present yourself here. They do tally with the way your dad spoke to you, however. It sounds a lot like your self hatred is deeply ingrained, you could do with some help with this.

Your dad blamed you when you had seizures, but you know they were not your fault.

Now, you are blaming yourself for your wife's infidelity, but again, this is not your fault. It's all her's.

@mike1970s

You have an amazing asset which your wife and whoever she’s been having an affair with - do not possess.

It’s called basic common human decency.

People will recognise this, your son will recognise this - and your son clearly has a wonderful role model in you. Your son is a teenager and so increasingly able to make his own choices. He will choose to be near you.

Whatever happens now, your wife will have to live in the knowledge that she behaved so poorly - for the rest of her life. If she continues her ‘new’ relationship (my hunch would be that will probably break down now) - she’ll be in a relationship with another cheater. She won’t have that safety/security that she had with you.

I think you have an opportunity now to realise yourself. You are a GOOD person. Your brother knows this - he has dropped everything to support you. Sounds like your place of work knows this too. A big first step is looking after yourself, putting yourself first and getting the right medical support.

I think an assistance dog is a wonderful idea.

Also, Mike, your dad and now ex are horrible people. Find nice people to spend time with. Focus on being kind to yourself,and on your relationship with your son. It will get easier. Take all the time in the world.

I am sorry this is happening to you, having your world shattered is horrendous. Getting a dog is a fantastic idea, also getting some therapy to overcome your father's bullying and your wife's behaviour is important. Please don't feel ashamed about any of this, the only people who should feel this way are your wife and the man she's having an affair with.

I am glad your son knows the truth.

partly because it made me feel like a complete idiot to know that everyone around us must just see me as some mug. Or just a weak and pathetic excuse for a man. That's what my dad used to call me, a waste of oxygen, an excuse for a man, etc. Turns out he was right, LOL.

OP please do NOT think this about yourself. You sound like a lovely caring man, and I think it would be a waste for womankind if you were never to find love again! I’m so sorry this has happened to you, and that you had such an abusive father. This situation is your wife’s fault, not yours.

Please seek some kind of counselling to help you deal with what’s happened, and to unpick your abusive childhood. You need to work on your self-esteem, and realise you were a great husband and that you’re a great dad. Stop putting yourself down! You are certainly NOT a stupid useless twat, please stop thinking like that.

Mumsnet for you and your DS

If you've decided you don't want to lose her then go out there and meet other people. Join clubs, be busy, buy aftershave, get a nice new shirt and a good haircut. She needs to see that you have options, interests, that you're not going to be there forever. I'm not excusing her but if she thinks you'll always just be 'there' and doesn't really value the marriage then the only way to make her value the marriage and value you is to get a healthier self-esteem and nurture interests for yourself. HARD TO RAISE your self-esteem when you've just discovered that you're being cheated on. If the marriage had ended, you'd have to work on yourself and fill your time, so in one way, breezily, do that. What do you want to do that you haven't been doing so far? What would you do if you hadn't felt you should be at home? I'm not saying go out there and flirt! I'm saying find comfort in doing what you want to do.

How awful OP.

You poor man.

Great that she has left the home.

Probably not the best suggestion but I would look at getting a dog quickly.

A loving distraction for your son and yourself to share and enjoy.

Don't focus on the future, stick to today.

You will get through this.

Keep posting if it helps.

Lots of excellent advice on here. Speaking as an epileptic, how bad are your seizures now? I know its easier said than done but try and get some sleep, and hopefully that will reduce the sleep triggers. Long term though something needs to be done to get them back controlled so I would suggest also talking to your GP / neurologist ASAP to see what they can change about your medication, especially given how tired / stressed you are and you could be in this state for weeks, if not months. I am on a benzo which acts in a supporting role to my epilepsy medication, which has helped given I suffer from anxiety.

Obvously if you are quite concerned about the change in seziure activity you can investigate in getting a device that alerts you to them (think apple watch does it). Epilepsy can be a shit of a condition in normal life, I cannot imagine how tough it is for you in current circumstances. Ive lived with it since I was a teenager, your dad should have been supporting you, not making you feel bad about living with a condition you have no control over, its bad genetics luck sadly.

Mike - why are you being so mean to yourself? You have just been through hell and back. I know you clearly experienced verbal abuse as a child and that's likely the cause - but you know that intellectually too. You have a teen son - look at him and imagine how his confidence would be knocked if you said the things to him his dad said to you. You are a kind man and your son loves you - please cut out all the self depreciating crap you need to be built up not torn down. If you don't stop this your son is going to feel he needs to build you up. Clear the slate - you've been given a free pass to start afresh - be kind to yourself and and work on building a life you love with your son. Good luck to you.

@mike1970s the most important thing you can do right now for yourself is to get some therapy to build up your self worth and self esteem. You sound like a really lovely man. When you are ready there are lots of women (like me😁) who are looking for a decent lovely man like you. Dont give up on dating and love! . Enjoy your new found freedom!.
If she tries to come back to you pleaze dont take her back!

I've been following this thread OP.

Your STBX wife is not a nice person. But - crucially - you were and are not stupid not to have seen it. She didn't fully show you, did she. You saw her lying convincingly to your son's face. If you hadn't seen her in the restaurant, you wouldn't have been able to tell she was lying. You're not stupid for not knowing or spotting the lies: she's an accomplished liar.

Now, what your father said to you - everything - was him being an absolute wanker. None of it was true. It's hard to believe because it was consistently said. I'm not going to suggest you change your thoughts, because that lady impossible overnight. However, please, please, be careful how you express yourself within earshot of your son. If he gets wind of you thinking you were stupid for being lied to and cheated on, he's going to likely feel that himself: she lied to his face many times too.

It's important for his self-esteem that you do not frame this happening as though it's through any fault of yours. She chose her actions and she's responsible for them plus the fall out.

When you love someone you should trust them. You should believe them when they say they're helping a friend. You loved her in a normal, healthy way. She did not behave reciprocally. And if you think "We'll she must have been unhappy in the marriage because I wasn't meeting some need" then you may be right. Who knows? But it's completely irrelevant because she should have spoken to you about it or how she was feeling. You don't just go off and have multiple affairs!

I'm really glad you have a neurology appointment sooner than September. And I'm so sorry that she was so fucking callous when you told her about the work seizure. And that you went through years of abuse from your father. It sounds like you have a fabulous brother. Glad he could come over.

You are a good person who didn't deserve this - just like a good driver doesn't "deserve" to be hit by a lorry.

You have it in you to be ok after this. You do. You've dealt with a horrific father and now a horrifically two-faced wife. You have a neurological condition that can be very difficult to deal with - in particular the social aspects of it. And you've carved a career for yourself. You have far more inner strength than you realise. Yes you feel broken - but sadly that's showing that you're absolutely normal. Imagine if you didn't care she'd cheated on you? There's absolutely nothing wrong with you as a person. You're not weak or stupid. You're human.

You deserve to be loved. Get a dog, get 10, but also try to see that you deserve love from yourself too. Every time you repeat what your father said you're punishing yourself. And you don't deserve that any more than your DS does.

I am so sorry for what you are going through. I strongly suggest getting some counselling because your low-opinion of yourself is unhealthy, it’s clear this was caused by your Dads abusive insults towards you. It would help you immensely to see this was clearly abuse and for you to recognise that you are not a weak, pathetic man that your Dad portrayed you as.
Keep talking if you need to.

I had tears reading this. Unfortunately it doesn't sound like she was such a nice person by the end with her actions when you had your fit and lying openly to your son.

You sound a lovely, intelligent, decent man and although it may take time to recover there will be many women wanting to snap you up so I very much doubt you will be alone when you're ready to meet someone.

Maybe you could think of a hobby you would like to take up to meet other people outside of your joint friends. Good luck.

Oh sweetheart you have had such a rough time.

Quite honestly your wife's attitude to your illness alone would make me suggest you dump her, even without the multiple affairs.

You are in shock right now, which is wholly understandable. Try not to think about the future too much...hunker down with your son and help each other through this. Get the practicalities sorted - maybe your brother can help? And make sure you get whatever help you need emotionally too. Based on what you say about your father's treatment of you I imagine you would benefit hugely from therapy and some techniques to improve your self esteem.

You sound like a lovely, kind man with a lot of emotional intelligence - don't let the ignorant attitude of your father and ex wife make you feel any less than what you are.

Wrt to your son...I left my (emotionally abusive) XH when DD was coming up 12...we had a lot of support and she's now nearly 18 and doing brilliantly.. divorced parents really isn't the catastrophe it used to be considered these days.

It might be worth looking at something like this for your son if he supports you with your health issues. Young carers can get a lot of practical and emotional support if you know where to look (DD has benefitted from this as she's helped me with caring for elderly parents through the pandemic) carers.org/about-caring/about-young-carers

Try not to entertain thoughts about being single forever...it takes a long time to get over divorce but you can get there eventually....Good luck.

Sorry for what you're going through Mike. This is the toughest time, but you will get through it.
This too shall pass 💐
Be proud of your son, he sounds like a wonderful boy
.

Why would he want to go back to someone who has been so cruel to him? All he would be doing by buying some new aftershave and getting a haircut is papering over the cracks of his low self esteem. It's clearly time for OP to get some counselling and raise his bar