OLD - video sex before face to face meet up

[NewChapter22]

Met this guy online. All seemed perfect, ticked a lot of boxes, we have been talking (mainly video calls) for almost 3 weeks now. He even asked if we can both get off the dating site (exclusive) so we can get to know each other properly. He is currently overseas for work and coming back beginning of June so we haven't met face to face yet, but have made arrangements to meet as soon as he is in the country. The chemistry is there (at least judging by video calls!). Yesterday, we both engaged in cybersex (or whatever is called!) and I kind feel weird about it now as we haven't both met face to face (I was fully clothed btw! So no risk of pics/videos going anywhere). I haven't had sex for over a year and I fancy him. Would you still meet him in real life? Worried he's another guy who is only after sex...and kind of crossed my own boundary doing that. I normally block anyone who starts talking about sex before initial date 🤦🏻‍♀️ Plus I am thinking we are taking things a bit too far, too quickly given we haven't met in real life yet...

I have only been OLD for about 4 months or so so new to all of this! Any advice welcome!

Of course I do @CloseYourEyesAndSee. But not when they've never even met.

We live in a world where sex is framed around make pleasure. Where men routinely buy women for sex. Where many women find photos and videos of them having sex have been shared without their permission. Where women are raped and sexually assaulted on an hourly basis.

It doesn't make me an uptight old prude for seeing this within that context. The fact that the OP is feeling uncomfortable about it now seems to me to indicate that she was coerced into crossing her own boundary.

Let's not pretend men don't do that.

@StrangeCondition Don't rule out phone sex myself either but like to have met the person in question first, before flashing him my fanny. Call me old fashioned 🤷‍♂️

I did a phone call with a guy once from old and he got sexual very quicklh and pulled out his penis on the camera and it was all so quick!! He started to masturbate. It was in no way what I asked for - he wanted to meet up after and i said no and blocked him

Your situation sounds a bit different though

I would just be worried it is his m.o and he does it loads xx

Remind me to tell my fwb we can't do the nasty anymore

‘This is not the way to get a nice boyfriend.’

Oh yes it very much fucking is.

Sorry about that.

Yeah, and when you've married this 'nice boyfriend' and had a couple of kids you'll be back on here on with a new thread saying you.ve stumbled in on him in the bathroom knocking one out to some random bird online. What should you do?

No pearl clutching here. Some of us have lived a bit. We're also older and have the benefit of experience.

People tell you who they are. This might be fine for a 'bit of fun' but isn't generally the best approach for a committed relationship.

You have a FWB?? Where is your self-respect! Clearly he's married.

faints

Got to laugh at sone of the faux outrage on here from posters pretending not to know the issue. No one gives a fuck how you get off when you’ve met someone you fancy, , it can be butt plugs, golden showers and dogging galore, no one gives a shit.

the issue, is not the mutual wanking off on video. The issue is doing it with a complete stranger she encountered on old,whom she’s never met and has only spoken to a few times as they only encountered each other a couple of weeks ago.

I don’t believe for one moment those acting like this is normal are encountering blokes on on line dating and before having even met them , speak to them a few times in the phone over a couple of weeks, then wank off for them or watch them do it on video.

and if they are doing that for strangers, and that’s their bag, then Fair enough.

Just don't tell anyone he's a customer from work and we'll be alright...

In fairness to op she knows a lot more about this cyber sex man than I have done about men I've had real sex with.
Shock horror, I've not known their full name let alone where they live or their telephone number.

Op did you have fun? If so embrace it, if not bin him off.

‘Yeah, and when you've married this 'nice boyfriend' and had a couple of kids you'll be back on here on with a new thread saying you.ve stumbled in on him in the bathroom knocking one out to some random bird online. What should you do?’

What a grim picture you’ve painted for me there. Very kitchen sink I’m sure 🙄And I will have brought it all on myself, right?

I won’t be marrying or having any children. Not everyone does or wants to.

I don’t understand why anyone would wonder what ‘to do’ in that situation. Stumble back out and shut the door?

I don’t believe that people can belong to each other like property. For me, monogamy was a miserable, pointless, unrealistic and simple minded experience/concept.

I don’t refer to other women as ‘random birds’. Ever.

Worried he's another guy who is only after sex

ya think??!

1. 3 weeks of video calling but no date
2. urging you to abandon the dating platform safe space for direct comms
3. cybersex before meeting
4. pushed you beyond your boundary & comfort zone
5. "working abroad"😂😂😂

No harm done OP - & now please have a good read of this - www.jennisspace.com/the-shark-cage-metaphor-spotting-potential-abusers/

& for your next dating candidates - NO coming off the platform til you've met.
No need for more than 1 video call (to establish bona fides as well as check each other out)
No giving of personal info or contact details until you have met
No cybersex until you have met

Anyone who pushes at your comfort zone again - ditch & block.
No need to JADE that decision either - outofthefog.website/what-not-to-do-1/2015/12/3/jade-dont-justify-argue-defend-explain

Quite a lot of MN really hates sex, evidently. The language they use is so telling calling it grim, disgusting, ridiculous etc. This thread took a particularly unpleasant turn with posters shaming the OP for something that hasn't been abnormal for most of this century. And really, there's nothing sordid about men or women masturbating, with each other or solo, virtually or IRL. If both parties want it then it's actually fun.

OP, you might feel awkward but you shouldn't feel ashamed. It's time to think about your own agency here. It's fine to get carried away and want to do something sexual in the moment. It's fine to enjoy it. It's also fine to say in retrospect, I crossed my own boundary and I don't want to do that again. What this man wants or expects after that isn't as important as what you want for yourself - you get to set your boundaries and he simply has to respect them.

Obviously if there was any pressure or coercion on his side, that's a huge red flag - and if he expects more sex purely because you had cybersex that's also a red flag. Absent this, though, it's just two horny people getting off. Which imo is absolutely normal.

Dear God, why?! You're a complete stranger, they'd normally have to pay for that...

Oh fucking give over- OP didn’t even cum. This bloke used her as wank fodder and everything is clearly a pack of fucking lies.

There’s nothing empowering about going on Tinder looking for a relationship and then being gaslighted by ‘sex positive’ morons that this is completely normal behaviour and everyone else is a pruuuuudeeee and ‘haaaaates sex’

If OP had a night of mind blowing sex with an online date and enjoyed herself- the responses would be very different

if you think this is a sexy positive fun experience when OP clearly feels a bit weird about it- I feel sorry for you

😂 this is so funny..... he wanked over the video at you?

Not meeting for 3 weeks due to business commitments is perfectly ok, I was the same with dp but we didn't engage in any virtual anything (I'm too old for that kind of thing!). Just see how things develop when you get back, but be aware not everyone is who they claim to be.

I googled dp and made sure, he did the same about me. Be same

He is after sex and will string you along for sex if you are luck If thats your thing thats fine

No shame in it

In all likihood this is usually the way things from online dating go

Usually starts off sex led - love bombing for about 1/2/3 months

Once he thinks you want something semi serious he will start ghosting you and say he just wants to be friends or is not in right place for a commitment right now (lol) - probably make up some ex he is traumatised from / mental health issue / personal development issue blah blah (insert excuse)

Then You then will never hear from him again. At which point you have risked your mental and physical health and pregnancy risk for a random man you know nothing about from an app on your phone

Men and woman use dating sites for completely different reasons. They are usually on there to begin with for completely different reasons

As long as you know all this its fine and theres no judgment but please be careful and realise 9 times out of 10 this is what happens

(Also look at how many woman find their husbands on these sites)

'But my friend found her husband on there!' - how many years ago was that?? And how many more horror stories do you hear rather than good ones nowadays

Just be careful OP - if you are having to post about a relationship before its already begun maybe your gut is already telling you something is not ok 💐💐💐💐

Tbh i really like sex but you have to be careful being used by these guys stay safeee xx

(And its not being used in anyway if you are keen its consent and really fancy him - which is seems like you do)

Massive generalisations about men and OLD here.

I met my dp online 3 years ago. He was actually pretty shy and never even a whiff of sexual talk before we met. We met, we still liked each other, we agreed to be exclusive and we are very happy 3 years later.

Yes, there are dodgy men on the sites, but there are also dodgy women (as my dp can attest). There are also dodgy men 'in real life' who you could just as easily meet in a bar or wherever.

As for the cyber sex stuff...I wouldn't personally with someone I hadn't met and at least been on a few dates with (not even sure I would then as I prefer the real thing) but that's me. I don't thing anyone who does is an awful person...as long as both parties are consenting and over 18 then do what you like. The fact you are now feeling weird about it maybe tells me you were caught up in the moment and are now having a few regrets but maybe lesson learned and (hopefully) not harm done.

Yeah, and when you've married this 'nice boyfriend' and had a couple of kids you'll be back on here on with a new thread saying you.ve stumbled in on him in the bathroom knocking one out to some random bird online. What should you do?

I thought you were going to say black and blue. Back here because he watches porn? All of Mumsnet must think their partner never, ever masturbates to other women. It's reality, unfortunately, your sons more than likely do it too.

Or are you saying any man who enjoys sex (or casual sex) is at risk of cheating? Hahah this site is mental.

I doubt fanny got flashed as she kept her clothes in.