OLD - video sex before face to face meet up

[NewChapter22]

Met this guy online. All seemed perfect, ticked a lot of boxes, we have been talking (mainly video calls) for almost 3 weeks now. He even asked if we can both get off the dating site (exclusive) so we can get to know each other properly. He is currently overseas for work and coming back beginning of June so we haven't met face to face yet, but have made arrangements to meet as soon as he is in the country. The chemistry is there (at least judging by video calls!). Yesterday, we both engaged in cybersex (or whatever is called!) and I kind feel weird about it now as we haven't both met face to face (I was fully clothed btw! So no risk of pics/videos going anywhere). I haven't had sex for over a year and I fancy him. Would you still meet him in real life? Worried he's another guy who is only after sex...and kind of crossed my own boundary doing that. I normally block anyone who starts talking about sex before initial date 🤦🏻‍♀️ Plus I am thinking we are taking things a bit too far, too quickly given we haven't met in real life yet...

I have only been OLD for about 4 months or so so new to all of this! Any advice welcome!

‘You know he won't even need to meet you now (even for actual sex!) as he can just jack off with you on the phone.’

‘So much easier and cheaper than actually meeting an actual person with actual feelings who might just actually want some attention too.’

‘He's a fucking creep, love - best get rid.’

Hi OP. Some women carry a lot of shame and jealousy around sex. Shaming of others, projection and very strong feelings around situations like yours are quite usual and mainly irrational, so don’t let them scare you.

Fortunately, sexual relationships beginning online via FaceTime or similar is also quite usual so please don’t worry.

You have a sex drive and sexual needs along with the time and inclination to fulfil them. Enjoy yourself.

Bloody hell. I am old, as mentioned, and I find this behaviour odd, intrusive and quite threatening and dominating. Yet many of you find it quite acceptable. If those of you who think it's OK were out at a bar and a strange guy came up, bought you a drink and also whipped his dick out for a wank, would that be ok? Or is that still unacceptable?

‘Whatever happened to romance?!’

It was patriarchal bullshit all
along. Didn’t you hear?

Clearly not many, a couple of posters have said they think it’s all good and for all we know rhey are blokes, most posters think it’s awful. Everyone has different standards

and agree your analogy, it’s a random stranger doing it becayse they had never even met, but he didn’t even buy her a drink first. However they both did it.

Well, as long as he doesn't stir my drink with it.....

I am joking of course. No, absolutely wouldn't tolerate this, but OP was a willing participant in a private conversation that progressed into a mutually intimate experience. Completely different to someone whipping their dick out and waving it about in a bar.

How are the two scenarios remotely comparable?!

Omg tmi,he's a dirty creep,tell him to phone a sex line ....gross

‘If those of you who think it's OK were out at a bar and a strange guy came up, bought you a drink and also whipped his dick out for a wank, would that be ok? Or is that still unacceptable?’

What a great question!

Yes that is still unacceptable. It is also a sex crime.

In conversation with a potential sexual partner, over days or weeks, sexual attraction and a form of intimacy can build and then culminate in sexual activity. Sometimes mutual and sometimes not. One partner may just observe for example.

Clear communication and enthusiastic consent are important here as with all sexual encounters. Your example above @newnamethanks features neither so is potentially harmful and traumatising to the recipient.

Definitely agree with this.

Whatever we think of the guy, the OP engaged with the online sex chat and took part in it (willingly we assume). In the cold light of morning, she seems to regret what she did but that doesn’t mean he has actually done anything wrong.

I think it is incredibly easy to create a false intimacy with someone that you chat to a lot (I’ve done more than my fair share of OLD so I know!). My advice is to be wary of too much texting before meeting and to avoid sex chat and conversations all together. A lot of men (in my experience) want to have sexual conversations quite early on, often before meeting. If you’re looking for something more, you need to avoid engaging with them.

Thank you lookingoutside, I guess it's the never having met in person that I find so odd, an intimate act that is also impersonal and possibly relies on a fair degree of coercion in some cases. I find it disconcerting.

It’s the never having met for me too, he is a stranger. People are often different in real life and she doesn’t even know if this guy is actually for real Im what he says, or even a decent person. But it was mutual and she was a willing, and it seems enthusiastic, wanking participant.

I think there's an awful lot of people on here jumping to some very judgemental conclusions.

Yes, there are plenty of chancey fuckers out there on OLD sites who are only after one thing and will bullshit for England to get it.

But if you have been chatting and getting on for weeks, and are both consenting adults enjoying yourself...so what?!

If it turns out he was only after one thing, chalk it up to experience and move on.

If not, it really won't seem as awkward as you think when you meet up as it's a totally different thing.

FWIW I've met a couple of guys in this situation (we were both looking for FWB admittedly) and they were completely respectful, no expectations of sex on first meeting.

I may well have been lucky, but I don't think you should automatically write him off off put of awkwardness.

Basically you've been a free phone sex chat line

@Swimmingpoolsally

‘…and it seems enthusiastic, wanking participant.’

@Clymene

‘Basically you've been a free phone sex chat line.’

Does it help? Seriously, does being intentionally vile to someone because they had a sexual experience help you in some way?

None of the people who have spoken like this actually care about the OP or her question. I am asking you. What is it about? What is the shaming, judgemental tone actually for?

How can you engage in cyber sex without taking your clothes off you must have been in compromising positions or something I struggle to see how it wouldnt matter if he did something with that, he could have recorded you.

I cant believe I have to say this to an adult! You dont know the man really. you havent met him. Even then you cant really know someone for all you know he could be married if he leaves such a good impression dont you think he wouldve been snapped up a while ago

Hopefully...

thats what i thought, too.

How romantic 😍

This. A thread full of bitter hags with no sex life and conditioned thinking.

That's nice, dear

Didn’t he just look simply revolting while doing this?

if he leaves such a good impression dont you think he wouldve been snapped up a while ago

If that were the case, there would be no one left on OLD at all. It works as a business model because it works enough times for good relationships to be found and work out. You just have to filter out all the other ones first.

Phone/video sex isn't really like a guy wrapping it out in a bar. IME, they ask first after texting, and the okay ones don't mind you saying no. It can be a useful filter in itself, to see where they are with boundaries. Of course, you can set boundaries wherever you want, and they're not going to be the same for all of us, but you need to know what you're happy with and where your personal lines can't be crossed. If you weren't happy with this, you don't have to say yes next time, and it will have at least been useful as a way of learning more about yourself.

The one thing OLD has taught me is I can and do say no sometimes. I always thought I was no good at that. I don't know how much I've learnt about men (other than how flexibly some of them regard marriage vows,) but I've learnt a lot about myself. I think the OP will have learnt about herself, too, and that means she'll be ready for it next time.

It had to be a veritable freak show. I'm still trying to imagine how this sad senario even played out. Did he just jump up and drop his trousers, or did he do a little striptease? So, so many questions.

And also didn’t seem to want OP to undress - so he just got on with it on his own with his willy flapping about…gross. Then had to find a tissue.

Personally I think a bit of sexting / face time fun is absolutely normal in online dating.

If it's not for you and crosses your boundaries then that's completely fair. But it's not necessarily a bad thing or a red flag just because it happened.

I have done this before, the guy was nice. Yes it was quite a sexual relationship (both v in to each other) it lasted 6 months of dating. Doesn't have to be a no go.