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OLD - video sex before face to face meet up

149 replies

NewChapter22 · 25/05/2022 18:25

Met this guy online. All seemed perfect, ticked a lot of boxes, we have been talking (mainly video calls) for almost 3 weeks now. He even asked if we can both get off the dating site (exclusive) so we can get to know each other properly. He is currently overseas for work and coming back beginning of June so we haven't met face to face yet, but have made arrangements to meet as soon as he is in the country. The chemistry is there (at least judging by video calls!). Yesterday, we both engaged in cybersex (or whatever is called!) and I kind feel weird about it now as we haven't both met face to face (I was fully clothed btw! So no risk of pics/videos going anywhere). I haven't had sex for over a year and I fancy him. Would you still meet him in real life? Worried he's another guy who is only after sex...and kind of crossed my own boundary doing that. I normally block anyone who starts talking about sex before initial date 🤦🏻‍♀️ Plus I am thinking we are taking things a bit too far, too quickly given we haven't met in real life yet...

I have only been OLD for about 4 months or so so new to all of this! Any advice welcome!

OP posts:
CloseYourEyesAndSee · 25/05/2022 18:55

Nothing wrong with cybersex if that's what you are after but if you want something more I wouldn't do it before you've met. Nothing to do with morality or rules but in my experience anything sexual before you've met kills the chemistry.
however don't bin him off without giving it a shot, just be clear that the sex went beyond your preferred boundaries so you won't be doing it again before you've started dating.

NewChapter22 · 25/05/2022 18:55

I am confused myself to be honest...and feeling super awkward about it. I suppose I should block him like the rest. It all started off very promising...but the incident yesterday was just a complete turn off.

OP posts:
leonpride · 25/05/2022 18:55

But these things are unavoidable with OLD. At least you know where you stand and can avoid in the future. Nothing lost!

Giveitall · 25/05/2022 18:55

Fump?? That’s a good word!
I meant dump.

SleepingStandingUp · 25/05/2022 18:57

I met DH online dating, and we didn't wait v long for anything really (married within 18 months). Coming up 10 years with three kids and no regrets. It can work but you have to be discerning and not cyber wank with a lot of toads first.

Goodskin46 · 25/05/2022 19:03

Swimmingpoolsally · 25/05/2022 18:44

Whar he got naked and wanked off in front of you and you talked dirty to encourage him? Did you also wank off.

Christ what made you want to watch him do that and ger involved. That’s not cyber sex, calling it cutesy name doesn’t change some stranger wanked off in front of you might have done the same back

😂

SW1amp · 25/05/2022 19:03

ladydimitrescu · 25/05/2022 18:52

I'm so confused - what exactly happened? He sat there wanking whilst you just sat quietly?!

No, he sat there wanking while she talked dirty to him, I think?

AnyFucker · 25/05/2022 19:11

How unlike the home life of our Dear Queen 😊

DoubleYouOhEmAyEn · 25/05/2022 19:18

Jeez. Its so obvious there's a back story he's not telling you. Probably married. In any case his needs are obviously top priority for him. Run like hell.

CandyLeBonBon · 25/05/2022 19:20

Yeah...No...

lifeissweet · 25/05/2022 19:24

AnyFucker · 25/05/2022 19:11

How unlike the home life of our Dear Queen 😊

Grin
ladygindiva · 25/05/2022 19:26

AnyFucker · 25/05/2022 19:11

How unlike the home life of our Dear Queen 😊

🤣

Gudbrand · 25/05/2022 19:27

He's a creep.
Filter out knobs like this earlier if possible.
Don't spend too long chatting before actually meeting for a date.
Block him.

Swimmingpoolsally · 25/05/2022 19:27

You clearly are too embarrassed to admit your part in it. I’m assuming you wanked off on video in front of him whilst encouraging him to do the same Ie the dirty talk

i cant understand what would possess you to do this with a total stranger, someone you’ve spoken to three weeks and never even met.

I can’t work out what’s worse, you doing it to, or you sitting watching him and talking dirty, it’s so unbelievably ick, I can see why you’re embarrassed.

there is No coming back from it, he thinks it’s just sex now. And you feel awkward as fuck

do you understand why you engaged in this sort of behaviour?

Aquamarine1029 · 25/05/2022 19:31

NewChapter22 · 25/05/2022 18:36

Tell me about it Kitty! He wasn't clothed...I kind off just talked dirty...it was bizarre I have to admit 😂

He probably does this with multiple women every week. Grim.

Aquamarine1029 · 25/05/2022 19:32

I hope he wasn't recording you.

newnamethanks · 25/05/2022 19:34

I am now, officially, OLD. Meaning old, not online dating. Sounds utterly gross. Ugh. Don't meet him. In my younger days he'd have jumped out of a hedge, dick in hand, and been arrested. This isn't a guy you want to meet in person.

marcellen · 25/05/2022 19:42

newnamethanks · 25/05/2022 19:34

I am now, officially, OLD. Meaning old, not online dating. Sounds utterly gross. Ugh. Don't meet him. In my younger days he'd have jumped out of a hedge, dick in hand, and been arrested. This isn't a guy you want to meet in person.

😂

mycatallowsmetolivehere · 25/05/2022 19:42

NewChapter22 · 25/05/2022 18:50

Red flags all over I suppose! Does online dating actually work... seems all men I spoke to online so far are after the same. :(

You are right .. a lot of them are the same

That doesn't mean you have to go along with it

If you looking for fun and sex then you go for it
If you want more , as in a proper relationship I'd keep my knickers on and insist he do the same ?

Onwards22 · 25/05/2022 19:48

Worried he's another guy who is only after sex.

You had cyber sex before even meeting - it’s pretty safe to say he’s looking for sex.

I don’t actually think this is a big red flag - you were both up for it and in theory he could say the same about you as you did it to.

I know you video chat but in future do not do anything like this again with someone you haven’t met.
They could be lying about who they are or record your chats/photos you send.

Lex345 · 25/05/2022 19:56

I am going to go against popular opinion here, but the past couple of years have completely changed how we communicate with each other, I guess that extends to online dating too.

If it felt like a natural progression of the conversation you were having and you enjoyed it, participated willingly etc, don't feel embarrassed or awkward about it. Its pretty much the safest sex you will ever have in your life! You remained fully clothed (I admit there is a trust thing here-so unless you trust him not to share screen grabs etc, don't risk reciprocating his...umm...exposure online).

Ultimately, this on its own would not be a red flag if I was happy to participate. Unsolicited dick pics-massive red flag
Expecting a regular video call to find hin waving his penis at the camera-block and run

But other than feeling a little awkward-I am assuming you have never done this before-all you have done is tested the waters of intimacy in a safe way. If you don't want to do it again, don't-chalk it up to experience. Just explain to him you don't feel comfortable. His reaction will tell you whether he just got carried away and is interested in you, or whether he really needs to be thrown back.

dustofneptune · 25/05/2022 19:57

I'm a bit confused OP. You wanted to do cyber stuff with him in the moment, right? Or did you feel pressured?

I just think... is he necessarily a creep? If you were game and he was game? And what's wrong with that happening?

Sure, maybe he's married or just wants sex (doesn't make him a creep, unless he's pretending he also wants a relationship when he doesn't), or maybe he's just horny like a lot of people are and you both just got carried away in the moment, or whatever.

The way I treat online dating now is like speed dating. I put up a quick profile, I don't overthink it, I swipe and chat and see if anyone wants to go on an actual date, and once I start feeling desperate or bored or disillusioned with the whole thing, I delete my profile. I only ever use online dating when I'm in a happy, curious mood. I look at it like I'm walking into a bar and just chatting people up. This stops me over-investing in weeks and weeks of talking and getting wrapped up in fantasy.

You haven't done anything wrong. He hasn't necessarily either. Meet him if you want to. Communicate with him if you want to, and tell him the whole penpal thing made things move too fast, and you'd like to start from scratch. It just depends what you want.

In future, I'd just recommend that when you connect with people, you don't agree to exclusivity before you've had at least a few dates, and you just talk for a few days then meet up. If they're on a trip or busy or not available for a while, there's absolutely nothing wrong with saying, "No problem, let me know when you're back :)" kinda thing. Talking for weeks beforehand builds false intimacy, and it's really easy to be uninhibited when you're connecting through a screen where everything can be perfect/exciting/fun.

Cliftontherocks · 25/05/2022 19:59

SW1amp · 25/05/2022 18:31

This… or a romance scammer

This

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 25/05/2022 20:04

Cliftontherocks · 25/05/2022 19:59

This

Nah he's probably just a horny bloke who wanted to get off and OP was up for it too. He didn't actually do anything wrong here. OP was quite willing at the time!

knitteddollblue · 25/05/2022 20:05

He will meet up with you have sex in real life now you are all emotionally invested and then ghost you // make up some sort of excuse // i just want to be friends blah blah

I guarentee it - if he doesnt do that he will keep it going for a few weeks and then ghost you

This is not a husband babe

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