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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Looks like DD 26 is breaking up with her bf of 4 yrs. We're devastated, we love him

102 replies

booboo57 · 25/05/2022 16:44

Our only DD is with a lovely guy. Loyal, devoted, sensible and steady. She has been muttering that he is not much fun anymore on these few occasions we have chatted. Anyway all seems to have blown up over the weekend. She wants to come and stay for a few nights. Happy to do this and more than willing to comfort her etc etc.
However she seems to be longing for a time a few years back when she was out every night drinking and having fun.
I don't think she was having fun then and she was desperately trying to hide / runaway from her feelings.
I think it is because this has become a bit more serious and she is panicking.
Her bf, bless him and is devastated. He has moved up here to be with her and just got a great new job. No friends and family locally to support him.
They have just (feb) taken out a 1 year lease on a house which has been furnished by donations from our friends and families.
Its all such a mess. I'm picking her up at 6:30. Do I say anything. What do you wise mners advise.

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 25/05/2022 16:45

You listen. You let her talk.

Arbeity · 25/05/2022 16:48

Definitely do not say anything. Ever. You know so little about what is going on in their relationship, and you never can.

And even if he is all those lovely things, he might not be enough for her. That's ok, more women should be encouraged to put the bar higher for the one person in your life you choose to marry (or equivalent)

Burnamer · 25/05/2022 16:50

No you don’t say anything and it doesn’t matter at all that you are “devastated”.
Be practically supportive and IF she asks for you let opinion don’t give your opinion on him as a person. What you think of him really doesn’t matter.

NerrSnerr · 25/05/2022 16:50

There might be more to it that you don't know because she knows how much you like him and she may think you'll defend him instead of supporting her.

Just listen, don't try and make her change her mind. It's her relationship.

Flopisfatteningbingforchristmas · 25/05/2022 16:51

She is an adult. You don’t say anything. You have no idea what is happening in her relationship. My aunty loved one of my cousins bf, turned out he was abusive.

Kenneldogsrock · 25/05/2022 16:54

You say nothing. You’re not in the relationship - she is. There are things that you may not know however close you are

TwilightSkies · 25/05/2022 16:54

She doesn’t want to be in a relationship with this man, for whatever reason, and you need to just accept that and not give your two-cents.
Shes not obliged to stay with him just because he’s nice and sensible and he moved to be with her.

You should want her to be happy. Being in a relationship isn’t the be-all and end-all.

DressingGownofDoom · 25/05/2022 16:54

You might love him, but it seems she doesn't. So she's doing the right thing getting out.

Myexabusedme · 25/05/2022 16:55

Flopisfatteningbingforchristmas · 25/05/2022 16:51

She is an adult. You don’t say anything. You have no idea what is happening in her relationship. My aunty loved one of my cousins bf, turned out he was abusive.

My ex husband abused me. I had the strength to leave but didn’t want to tell anyone why. Everyone thought he was the best thing since sliced bread.

LovelyYellowLabrador · 25/05/2022 16:55

Seems a strong reaction op
shes only
26 and I agree more woman shoiod
be demanding more for whatever reasons she’s decided he’s not the one
and that’s fine
you would be wise to keep your mouth close rather than encourage her to patch it up with him

Fairislefandango · 25/05/2022 16:56

I'm not sure why you'd say anything except to tell her you're there if she needs you. She's an adult - she can break up with someone for any reason she likes. Sorry, but the fact that you like him is immaterial.

morescrummythanyummy · 25/05/2022 16:56

Maybe she just has the "Ick" and that is why she is craving "fun" - it's her way of coming to the realisation that she does not have sufficient sexual attraction to him any more, lovely as he is.

I mean, it's a shame, but you can't expect her to sleep with a lovely bloke she doesn't fancy for the rest of her life just to make you happy.

You don't intervene. You listen.

MarshaBradyo · 25/05/2022 16:57

Just ask her if she’s ok and let her talk or not if she doesn’t feel like it

try not to be devastated though, as it’s her decision

Triffid1 · 25/05/2022 16:57

She's 26. She's bored in her relationship. So she's ending it. It's not weird or horrible or anything like that. She's probably fully aware that she's breaking his heart and that everyone is going to think she's crazy. But if she doesn't feel it, she doesn't feel it. Please accept that.

Also, at 26, there's no reason why she shouldn't still be out partying and having fun.

Beamur · 25/05/2022 16:58

Maybe your DD isn't ready to settle down just yet.
BF might be lovely but maybe not the one..
Listen and support her but unless there's hidden abuse, you could also contact the BF and see how he's doing - whilst not getting over involved!
In my 20's I had 2 long term relationships which fizzled out and I had been close to both families. It was hard as I broke up with them too! BF no. 1 family I think were especially sad about it as they'd really welcomed me in. One of them came up to me at an event I attended soon after the split and asked me very sadly if there was any chance we'd get back together.

Wnikat · 25/05/2022 16:58

Not as much of a mess as if this happened after a mortgage and kids. She’ll be fine. Let her come home for a bit. The lease can be sorted. They can find other tenants to take it over. Eventually She’ll meet someone else. So will he. Just stay calm, listen, don’t make it about you. Help with practical stuff.

mummabubs · 25/05/2022 16:59

Her life, her business OP. Please don't say anything to her. And I'm not suggesting this is the case with your daughter at all, but like several other posters I was also in an abusive relationship in my mid twenties. He was incredibly charming when we were around other people, no one would ever have guessed what he was like behind closed doors. I guess what I'm trying to say is you can't judge the quality of a relationship that you're not in. Her ex could be great and you might love him, but ultimately it's your daughter's decision to make and if she's not happy then she has every right to end the relationship and make the right choice for her, however hard that is for you.

LetitiaLeghorn · 25/05/2022 16:59

Sympathis op. This happened to a friend of mine. I don't think she ever got over her son finishing with his GF who she considered perfect. He went on to marry someone else who she considered to be unfriendly and controlling. (TBF, she was a bit! 😄 ) But it didn't make any difference to her son.
The heart wants what the heart wants and if your daughter isn't feeling it, then you can't force her and trying to talk her round is disastrous. If you succeeded in that, then every time something went wrong, she could throw it in your face.

If this is just a bit of cold feet, she'll get over it in her own time. If it's not, then you wouldn't want to make them be together.... for her sake and for yours.

She is very wrong, though, to encourage him to move and then dump him and I'd be cross about that.

nearlyspringyay · 25/05/2022 16:59

You don't intervene, you support your daughter. End of. It's not about you!

Ahbisto · 25/05/2022 17:01

You are devastated and you love him! Good lord. How about not making it about you and not being judgemental?

BadWolf2022 · 25/05/2022 17:02

She's the one in the relationship with him. Not you.

It's about her. Not you. Please remember that.

Ahbisto · 25/05/2022 17:02

She is very wrong, though, to encourage him to move and then dump him and I'd be cross about that

you don’t get to be cross, how very controlling.

mummabubs · 25/05/2022 17:02

I'd also add that when I met my now DH, he had just ended a long term relationship. Both his parents and his ex's were devastated when they broke up and were open with me that they'd imagined my husband and his ex getting married, having kids etc. (Really awkward for me to hear as the new gf!) Both my DH and his ex told me separately that they were still friends but the romance had actually fizzled out a couple of years ago and they'd realised they liked each other as friends but didn't love each other anymore.

RoonilWazlibb · 25/05/2022 17:04

What kind of thing are you thinking of saying?

5128gap · 25/05/2022 17:05

Say absolutely nothing until you've got your own feelings under control. You are projecting like mad here, and are in no position to be giving her advice that's geared towards her best interests when your own preference is so strong.

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