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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Looks like DD 26 is breaking up with her bf of 4 yrs. We're devastated, we love him

102 replies

booboo57 · 25/05/2022 16:44

Our only DD is with a lovely guy. Loyal, devoted, sensible and steady. She has been muttering that he is not much fun anymore on these few occasions we have chatted. Anyway all seems to have blown up over the weekend. She wants to come and stay for a few nights. Happy to do this and more than willing to comfort her etc etc.
However she seems to be longing for a time a few years back when she was out every night drinking and having fun.
I don't think she was having fun then and she was desperately trying to hide / runaway from her feelings.
I think it is because this has become a bit more serious and she is panicking.
Her bf, bless him and is devastated. He has moved up here to be with her and just got a great new job. No friends and family locally to support him.
They have just (feb) taken out a 1 year lease on a house which has been furnished by donations from our friends and families.
Its all such a mess. I'm picking her up at 6:30. Do I say anything. What do you wise mners advise.

OP posts:
NeverDropYourMooncup · 25/05/2022 19:04

It could be anything from her wanting to go out and shag everything in sight, that he's told her she has no business going out anymore, especially not looking that that, refusing to do any housework as it's 'women's work', pressurising her to have a baby before she's ready, all the way up to him hitting her because he thought living together would mean he was in a position to do what he's wanted to do for ages.

She might tell you - but not if you're going on about how lovely he is and what a terrible shame it is.

Pinkbonbon · 25/05/2022 19:06

It's It's inconsiderate to dump him just because he mock to be wirh her. How was she supposed to know she'd get the ick? It was a chance he took as a grown man. And it seems like it's worked out alright if he has bagged a good job. Maybe he will decide to likes the area and jib better and stay.

No one owes anyone a relationship. And you don't know what he he like behind closed doors. Even if he is Mr perfect, if she no longer fancies him then she is right not to waste any more of her and his time.

Topseyt123 · 25/05/2022 19:06

You provide a listening ear and let HER do the talking, if she wants to. You don't judge, tell her how devastated YOU are or how much YOU adored her now ex boyfriend.

There could have been more going on behind closed doors than you know.

You are on her side.

Pinkbonbon · 25/05/2022 19:07
  • fs that first sentence was meant to be - it's not inconsiderate to dump him just because he moved to be with her.
JennyForeigner · 25/05/2022 19:13

Oh come on. You have one job here, to say 'sweetheart, we're fond of x - because we love you. What do you need?'

My parents said that when I broke up with the first boyfriend they loved, and they said the same when my sister separated from the boy she met on the first day of university and stayed with for fifteen years. We can all be friends now. Because we knew it was genuinely about what we needed, not our mum and dad!

EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall · 25/05/2022 19:13

You listen and for God's sake don't make it all about you and your feelings!

You may think he's great but you're not the one who's living with him and she's obviously not that into him after all. Surely you'd rather her realise that now than after marriage and a couple of children

HazelBite · 25/05/2022 19:21

What @ShowOfHands said, I've been through this same scenario so many times (I have 4 adult sons) I have gone through the pain of DS1's divorce from a much loved DIL, DS2 gets involed in LTR's with the most lovely girls, and as for DS4....... I could go on. Just listen to her and just make noises, don't offer any opinion, or take sides, I honestly don't think they, (your DC's) realise how fond you can get of their various partners, and its very difficult to listen to them "rubbish" someone you have grown to like.
There is nothing to stop you casually contacting him, to see how he is if they do split, but don't make a big thing of it, or be drawn into any conflict they have.
You have to take several steps back from this, be a nice supportive parent but just make soothing noises and just let her know you are there for her.

Livelovebehappy · 25/05/2022 19:34

Op. Very similar situation here. My dd who is 28, been in a relationship for 5 years with bf. They bought a house 3 years ago, moved in, and all was well as far as I knew. But I had noticed they’d started doing things separately recently such as girls holidays, nights out with friends. She messaged me last week to say she no longer loves him, feels their relationship is friends only. She had ended it, and he has left to go and live with his father as the house is in dds name - he had blips on his credit file so didn’t go on the mortgage. He’s lovely - stable job, polite, seems to adore her and he is devastated. It’s awful as we love him and got to know him so well - he lived with us for a year before they got their home. I have told her I will support her decision, as I understand that she can’t stay in a relationship that is making her miserable. I just hope that her decision is the right one and that she doesn’t regret it. I just follow her lead. Sometimes she wants to talk about it to us, and other times she closes up. It is hard, and I just wish they were still together, but you just have to let them get through it and be there when they need you OP. I actually think it’s brave to walk away from something that’s not right. The easy option is to stay with someone just because it’s easier financially and you dont want to face the upheaval of a split.

Onwards22 · 25/05/2022 19:43

Do not say anything!

It may just be that they need some space for a few days. Nothing you say will help, just listen and act supportive.

Its a shame she feels that she can’t go out drinking and having fun as if they don’t have children she should be still free to do what she wants.

Mysisterlivesinbicester · 25/05/2022 19:49

Lots of very sensible comments here. I have a similar age DC and can only add to the chorus of "don't say anything"; "it's her life"; "she shouldn't stick with him just because he's sensible", etc, etc, etc. I'm afraid your "devastation" (which is a bit melodramatic) plays no role here. Listen to her if she wants to talk, but don't offer your feelings/opinions.

mm40 · 25/05/2022 20:15

Say nothing, provide support, love and accommodation. And don’t forget the chocolate, wine/beer

PetersRabbitt · 25/05/2022 20:25

She’s YOUR daughter! HE is not your son! You stick by your daughter and be on her side. If she doesn’t want to settle down and wants to go out partying that’s her choice and her life and you should support it.

I settled down at 22. I’m now 35 and trapped with no past fun party life to even look back on. I wish so much I had a life of my own before I gave it all up for others (to husband and kids). I don’t even know myself really.

BobLemon · 25/05/2022 20:32

Oh my days! I could have been your DD!!

At 25 I was living with a wonderful man (been together 5 years). But I didn’t love him anymore. And I didn’t want my future to be with him.

But I wasn’t as brave as your DD.

I tried to end things a couple of times while drunk. Failed.

Instead I went out drinking without him, tried to form a bit of a separate life.

I got MARRIED to him before I found the guts to end it. Friends and family absolutely shocked. Because there was no reason for me to leave - he was wonderful, everything you could want in a DH. Still is a lovely man. But that’s no reason to be with someone.

sarahj878 · 25/05/2022 20:36

Just be there for your daughter, listen to what she has to say. She isn’t obliged to stay with a man she doesn’t see a future with because he has moved to be with her/because they’ve signed a lease/because friends and family who donated furniture might frown or any other reason.

Having said that, this man has left his family and friends behind and is probably feeling low and lonely and he has been a part of your life for 4 years. You don’t have to abandon all thought of ever speaking to him again. You can support your daughter and him but should not become a messenger between the two, just offer a listening ear. If it were your daughter who’d moved you’d probably hope his mum would do the same?

As others have said no matter how close you are to someone you never truly know what is going on in their relationship which is why you should not get drawn into their battle.

HighRiseMum · 25/05/2022 20:38

I would be incredibly proud of her. She must be one hell of a brave woman to break up with him knowing how much her mother thinks the sun shines out of his backside!

She'll be well aware of how the house move and relocation make the timing less than ideal, and yet she still feels she can't just continue as if nothings wrong. Good on her for listening to her gut.

22-26 is very young to be settling. Good for her, and I hope she goes out there and lives life to the full.

runnerblade95 · 25/05/2022 20:40

You are devastated? You love him? Anyone would think this is your relationship. Offer DD the support she needs and stay out of other people’s marital affairs. Why would you want your DD to be with someone that doesn’t make her happy, just because you approve of him? You can’t micromanage your DD’s life, she is a grown woman. Please start treating her like one.

LetitiaLeghorn · 25/05/2022 20:40

NerrSnerr · 25/05/2022 17:51

If my daughter got her BF to move away from family and friends on the understanding they'd be together and he could use her family and friends for his social network and then dumped him, I'd be cross with her. I like to think I've brought up my daughter to be more considerate than that.

The OP hasn't said that she got her boyfriend to move away from his family and friends. Maybe it was his choice.

Do you honestly think she should stay with someone she's not happy with because he doesn't have any family or friends nearby? It's up to him what he does but she can't be responsible for his happiness because he decided to move where she lives.

I said that the heart wants what the heart wants and the op shouldn't try to influence her because nothing good can come if it.

If she was having doubts about their relationship, she should have been clear with the BF before they moved. That's only fair, surely? Maybe she was clear. But the opening post didn't sound like that was the case. If I moved to join my partner, got a job, took out a flat lease, I'd be cross if he then dumped me. Why is that unreasonable of me?

Trulyweird1 · 25/05/2022 20:44

That was me, a lot of years ago. My mum was heartbroken and made life very unpleasant for me, and the man who became my husband - who was nothing to do with the breakup. It took mum & I a long time to get over her attitude.
People grow, they sometimes grow apart. This thread is pretty much unanimous - you support your daughter. She will be sad even though she is the instigator.

LetitiaLeghorn · 25/05/2022 20:47

so how long exactly should she stay in an unhappy relationship before breaking it off to warrant it being worth the move??

She shouldn't wait any time after the move, she should have told him before. They've only just moved in the last 3 months. She was already moaning about him before they moved.

ReadyToMoveIt · 25/05/2022 20:49

The only reason she needs to break up with him is that she doesn’t want to be with him anymore. That’s a reason.

zafferana · 25/05/2022 20:50

I get it OP. I broke up with a lovely guy when I was 25 and my DM was devastated too, because she loved him and already thought of him as her son-in-law. And he was lovely, but I was bored with him, our sex life was almost nonexistent and after five years together the relationship had run its course.

I also wanted a bit of adventure and didn't want to settle for domesticity at that stage of my life. I felt I had several more years of having fun in me before I settled down, and indeed I did. They weren't all happy, in fact I was rather a mess for some of them, but they were necessary for me. I think some people just feel the need to sow their wild oats and get their wildness out while they're young and if your DD feels like I really wouldn't stand in her way, if I were you. You may see her behaviour as reckless, but it's better she does it now, rather than later on when there is much more to lose. You need to meet the right person at the right time. Timing is everything.

wellhelloitsme · 25/05/2022 20:50

LetitiaLeghorn · 25/05/2022 20:47

so how long exactly should she stay in an unhappy relationship before breaking it off to warrant it being worth the move??

She shouldn't wait any time after the move, she should have told him before. They've only just moved in the last 3 months. She was already moaning about him before they moved.

Maybe she thought it would work out but moving in made it clear the relationship wasn't working for her? That's why young couples are generally advised to live together before marriage, because it's a good way to see how you cope sharing a home day to day - it's a good test of long term compatibility.

OP said She has been muttering that he is not much fun anymore on these few occasions we have chatted. Lots of people have the odd moan about their partners but don't leave them or want to leave them.

It's silly to say that because she has moaned about him in the past, she should have instantly broken up with him.

I know plenty of couples who were happy apart from the odd niggle, moved in during lockdown and quickly realised that they weren't compatible as they thought.

Plus she's really young. She's done absolutely nothing wrong at all.

ReadyToMoveIt · 25/05/2022 20:51

My ex and I were together for 7 years, finally moved in together and split a month later. Sometimes it takes a big step to realise it’s not right.

Sunnygirl1 · 25/05/2022 20:59

I would ask my daughter what was the real reason(s) for her decision to split up with him.

Love & chemistry is such a thing when you can't advise anyone on them. It's all very personal preference & choice.

LetitiaLeghorn · 25/05/2022 21:08

@wellhelloitsme
I agree, she's not done anything wrong breaking up with him. Never stay where you're unhappy. But if someone's making a big life decision, it's only fair to be upfront about your feelings. If she didn't do that, I think its unfair on him, and I'd be cross. Of course, if she told him and he brushed her aside, then that's down to him.