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Original poster

Looks like DD 26 is breaking up with her bf of 4 yrs. We're devastated, we love him

102 replies

booboo57 · 25/05/2022 16:44

Our only DD is with a lovely guy. Loyal, devoted, sensible and steady. She has been muttering that he is not much fun anymore on these few occasions we have chatted. Anyway all seems to have blown up over the weekend. She wants to come and stay for a few nights. Happy to do this and more than willing to comfort her etc etc.
However she seems to be longing for a time a few years back when she was out every night drinking and having fun.
I don't think she was having fun then and she was desperately trying to hide / runaway from her feelings.
I think it is because this has become a bit more serious and she is panicking.
Her bf, bless him and is devastated. He has moved up here to be with her and just got a great new job. No friends and family locally to support him.
They have just (feb) taken out a 1 year lease on a house which has been furnished by donations from our friends and families.
Its all such a mess. I'm picking her up at 6:30. Do I say anything. What do you wise mners advise.

OP posts:
DogsAndGin · 25/05/2022 17:08

It’s really not that much of a ‘mess’. People break up all the time - they don’t own a house together, they aren’t married, they have no children (presumably). It’s about as unmessy as it could possibly be. Just let it be, support her decision, and be there for your daughter.

LetitiaLeghorn · 25/05/2022 17:12

Ahbisto · 25/05/2022 17:02

She is very wrong, though, to encourage him to move and then dump him and I'd be cross about that

you don’t get to be cross, how very controlling.

Why is it controlling? If my daughter got her BF to move away from family and friends on the understanding they'd be together and he could use her family and friends for his social network and then dumped him, I'd be cross with her. I like to think I've brought up my daughter to be more considerate than that.
In fact you're controlling, trying to tell me how I'm allowed to feel. Classic narc abuser I think they say in these threads.

Thistooshallpass. · 25/05/2022 17:12

You say nothing . You listen and do not let your own feelings cloud your judgment.
He might be the nicest guy in the world but she may not think so - or she might want something different or she might just want to be young and free and single . Or it might all work out .
But - she needs you to listen and support not offer what you would like . Families often advise sticking with the status quo (mainly well meant) but it's because it's less hassle and worry / upheaval for everyone involved . Which is not always the right option !

Bournetilly · 25/05/2022 17:25

You love him but she obviously doesn’t. There are probably other things going on that you don’t know about, it’s not your relationship. You should just be there for your daughter. You are devastated, how do you think she feels.

MushMonster · 25/05/2022 17:26

If I do not get it wrong, he has moved close to her recently, so they have been living together since feb only. Living together is a huge step and not a rare one where relationships break. It is very different to see someone at times and other to share all your home and free time with.
I would not say anything about my own feelings or take on it. Listen to her.

RugbyUnionOrLeague · 25/05/2022 17:34

Whatever happens, be on your DD’s side. When I split up with my ExH my mum decided she preferred him to me. They have a maintained a very close friendship/relationship and it has completely destroyed the relationship with my mum. You might love him, but make sure you love your daughter more, even if you think she is making a terrible mistake.

NerrSnerr · 25/05/2022 17:51

If my daughter got her BF to move away from family and friends on the understanding they'd be together and he could use her family and friends for his social network and then dumped him, I'd be cross with her. I like to think I've brought up my daughter to be more considerate than that.

The OP hasn't said that she got her boyfriend to move away from his family and friends. Maybe it was his choice.

Do you honestly think she should stay with someone she's not happy with because he doesn't have any family or friends nearby? It's up to him what he does but she can't be responsible for his happiness because he decided to move where she lives.

PriestessofPing · 25/05/2022 17:54

Devastated is a bit strong. You might like him but it’s her that needs to decide if the relationship is right for her. She’s still young and maybe she doesn’t want a steady and sensible boyfriend who bores her 🤷‍♀️

TableDesk · 25/05/2022 17:54

You listen.

You don't make her feel guilty.

This is NOT about you!

I have real trauma from this. I told my parents I was divorcing. They rushed out to make sure my exh was OK. Catered to him. Asked was he OK. It was a 50/50 decision so not 'my fault' but I was treated like it.

One of my parents actually said they wished I was telling them I had a terminal illness instead of telling them I was divorcing. How were they going to cope.

Do not be this parent. I will neved forgive my parent for just not listening to me.

Your loyalties should be with her & if they aren't, be prepared to have ruined your relationship with her.

MrsTerryPratchett · 25/05/2022 17:54

You are #TeamDD all the time and forever.

Listen and nod.

She's so young and still growing intellectually. Don't box her life up so small.

Badger1970 · 25/05/2022 18:00

I get your drift, OP. When DD2 split up from her 1st serious BF we were all slightly heartbroken as he'd become the son we'd never had. It was entirely the right decision for her though, and we told her repeatedly how proud we were of her for having the courage to leave a relationship that wasn't right.........

We've always taken all of our DD's BFs into the heart of the family, and it always an awful feeling when suddenly they're gone. But you have to trust your DD to know what's right for her. Take a deep breath, and mourn his loss from your life quietly and privately.

NoSquirrels · 25/05/2022 18:05

MushMonster · 25/05/2022 17:26

If I do not get it wrong, he has moved close to her recently, so they have been living together since feb only. Living together is a huge step and not a rare one where relationships break. It is very different to see someone at times and other to share all your home and free time with.
I would not say anything about my own feelings or take on it. Listen to her.

I think this is it. You may be partially right that she’s wishing for fun and excitement that’s basically nostalgia because living together isn’t much fun - loads of people find that transition tricky. You can tell her loads of people find that transition tricky and you can troubleshoot specifics to problem solve with her if she mentions practical issues.

What you absolutely must not do is make her feel guilty about the furnishings, make her feel you love her boyfriend more than her, or make a judgment on her feelings.

I agonised about telling my mother about one of my breakups. I lived away at the time and put it in a letter. She write back that “she was sure I’d made the right decision fit me, because you must trust your own feelings.” It was such a relief, and a balm. (Later, we got back together for the long haul and years past that she gave me grief for not marrying him! Grin, but I remember her unequivocal support - even if she was upset herself - the most.)

Flowers for you, though. It’s hard to be on the outside of a decision but feel affected by it.

Change123today · 25/05/2022 18:14

You say nothing - provide a safe gentle space for her to get her head straight, in order for her to make decisions herself - no advice or judgement required.

Just be there for her.

Overthewine · 25/05/2022 18:29

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

HorribleHerstory · 25/05/2022 18:43

I’m sorry you are upset OP but this is none of your business really. You are and always will be on her side. Support her decisions.

she’s a fully grown adult. By the time I was 26 both my parents were dead, I had two children and had been living in my own home for nearly a decade. Your post seems like it could have been written about a teenager. She’s more than capable of making her own decisions I’m sure.

StopStartStop · 25/05/2022 18:48

She doesn't have to be with him to please you.
Just because you think he's great doesn't mean he is - you are not in a relationship with him.
I'm very, very fond of my son in law, but if my dd decided against him, I'd have to go with her assessment of the situation.

uncivil2 · 25/05/2022 18:49

You sound way too over invested. She doesn’t need a “good reason” to break up with him, it’s really not your business. She will be your daughter forever and boyfriends will come and go

Songlyrics · 25/05/2022 18:50

I understand where you're coming from OP, but your DD is only 26. If she's been with her BF since she was 22, she's probably changed a fair bit since then. What she wants now isn't necessarily what she wanted a few years ago, and as she grows into an independent adult with real life experience, it will inevitably push her closer to her BF or pull them apart.

I understand the feeling. I met my DH when I was 18. In my early 20's, married and with a mortgage, I felt a bit like, "is this it?". I'd look at friends who were out drinking, dating, going on group holidays, whilst DH and I were working and staying in, changing nappies and going to Center Parcs, and I'd feel a bit envious at times. That period has passed as my children have got older and I've I've settled into life. It never made me want to end things with my DH but it did make me feel a bit stifled for a while. It's possible that your DD is feeling the same; dissatisfaction with life, rather than with her BF, and it's something she just needs to work through.

I'd let her talk and just listen. Assure her she can tell you anything, even if it's something she thinks will upset you. Then, if she's not revealed anything untoward about her BF, you might suggest a break rather than an outright breakup. You might try to sus out how she would feel if you offered some support to her BF, too.

Some people would feel betrayed if you supported their ex, but if they are amicable and it's not too painful, you can still reach out to her BF in the early stages.

I really wouldn't try to make her feel like she ought to stay with him if she doesn't want to. If she does do that, she'll end up resenting both of you. You're working on logic - he's nice, kind, loyal etc. - but she's going off emotion and you can't rationalise that.

Dinotour · 25/05/2022 18:51

I suspect there's more to it, and even if not, she's entitled to make decisions about her life without judgement from her parents, surely? I would be proud that if she's unhappy she has taken the necessary steps to break up so she can move forward with her life. Please don't try and convince her she is wrong or whatever, cripes.

isthenewsuff · 25/05/2022 18:52

Surely devastated is a feeling you'd have if someone died, were seriously injured, terminally ill, house burned down?

Devastated seems a bit strong for this situation.

Ponderingwindow · 25/05/2022 18:54

You listen and support her in whatever she wants to do.

if you do adore this man and your dd really is leaving just because she is immature and cant give up the frivolity of youth, you should recognize that it is in his best interest to move on.

Suprima · 25/05/2022 18:54

booboo57 · 25/05/2022 16:44

Our only DD is with a lovely guy. Loyal, devoted, sensible and steady. She has been muttering that he is not much fun anymore on these few occasions we have chatted. Anyway all seems to have blown up over the weekend. She wants to come and stay for a few nights. Happy to do this and more than willing to comfort her etc etc.
However she seems to be longing for a time a few years back when she was out every night drinking and having fun.
I don't think she was having fun then and she was desperately trying to hide / runaway from her feelings.
I think it is because this has become a bit more serious and she is panicking.
Her bf, bless him and is devastated. He has moved up here to be with her and just got a great new job. No friends and family locally to support him.
They have just (feb) taken out a 1 year lease on a house which has been furnished by donations from our friends and families.
Its all such a mess. I'm picking her up at 6:30. Do I say anything. What do you wise mners advise.

I advise you stay out of it

You were my mum a few years ago and our relationship was damaged hugely because how she acted like I had let ‘a good one’ go. She didn’t have a clue. Your DD deserves the whole package, not someone who you believe is safe.

Now married to someone who ticks all my boxes with a baby due soon. I sometimes cry thinking about what I would have missed out on if I had stayed with the ‘safe’ ‘reliable’ ‘loyal’ donut of an ex

SleepingStandingUp · 25/05/2022 18:54

She is very wrong, though, to encourage him to move and then dump him and I'd be cross about that. so how long exactly should she stay in an unhappy relationship before breaking it off to warrant it being worth the move?? You don't know what's changed since the move that's changed her heart. He's a grown man with agency. He made his own choices.

ShowOfHands · 25/05/2022 18:57

It is tough when somebody you love leaves your life and you know they're hurt. My BIL recently left his dp after 10yrs and I've shed quite a lot of tears. We became best friends through our partners and we've shared so much in the last ten years. I am pretty gutted that their relationship is over. We all are.

But it's his choice and his life. I am remaining as neutral as possible.

Afterfire · 25/05/2022 18:59

Oh god don’t tell her what you really think. My mum did that when I got divorced and I never forgave her for it. She moped about crying about how much she loved now ex dh and I honestly wanted to kill her. She had no idea what our relationship was really like and I did have a wild old time after that - I was 26 like your dd - and I got drunk a lot and shagged a few unsuitables but it felt really liberating and I didn’t need my mum judging me for it. Some time after that I did settle down and met my now dh and we’ve been together 15 years now but my relationship with my Mum was never the same again after that. She died in 2019 and I think I just carried that anger on forever.