Looks like DD 26 is breaking up with her bf of 4 yrs. We're devastated, we love him

[booboo57]

Our only DD is with a lovely guy. Loyal, devoted, sensible and steady. She has been muttering that he is not much fun anymore on these few occasions we have chatted. Anyway all seems to have blown up over the weekend. She wants to come and stay for a few nights. Happy to do this and more than willing to comfort her etc etc.
However she seems to be longing for a time a few years back when she was out every night drinking and having fun.
I don't think she was having fun then and she was desperately trying to hide / runaway from her feelings.
I think it is because this has become a bit more serious and she is panicking.
Her bf, bless him and is devastated. He has moved up here to be with her and just got a great new job. No friends and family locally to support him.
They have just (feb) taken out a 1 year lease on a house which has been furnished by donations from our friends and families.
Its all such a mess. I'm picking her up at 6:30. Do I say anything. What do you wise mners advise.

“I love you. How can I best support you?” Then listen.

She’s been in a relationship since she was 22?! Just NO! I’m not surprised she feels suffocated, I suspect 22yo DD and 26yo DD are now two different people. She should be single if that’s what she wants to do, go on an adventure, be on her own!

All the best op

Quite a few posters come across as quite bossy and scolding to the OP, as if she was a rather dim primary school child. You do get such types on some MN threads for some reason.

Zero sensitivity to the OPs feelings and very ‘superior’ attitude.

If she’s been with him since 22, of course the chances were that it wouldn’t work out, her brain hadn’t even finished developing. Personally I’d encourage my daughter to enjoy her 20s and not tie herself down, she’s got the rest of her life for that.

It's hugely common for people to meet at that age and date for years, and it often seems to go sour down the line. I wish I'd known at 22 that the brain hadn't finished developing and that waiting until 25-26 was wiser.

You just love and support her. It sounds like she needs to spread her wings and live life a bit before she is ready to settle down.

That said, I also think it's so hard to know what goes on in someone else's relationship. BIL split with his partner of 15 years a couple years ago. We were devastated. We loved her. She was like a sister to me. Absolutely never saw it coming. They'd just bought a house and seemed really happy. It wasn't until after they split that he was able to open up to us. She turned out to be actually quite controlling, had cheated on him a couple times (including with a neighbour!), and has actually been quite unkind towards even me since (sending me all sorts of ranting drunken messages about how he won't get back with her - even though she is in a new relationship and living with her new partner). BIL has been trying to get her to agree to sell their house (it's now 3 years since they split), and she refuses (she currently lives there with her new partner, no dc involved). He's now having to take her to court to force the sale because he is basically living in his mate's garden shed waiting for the equity release so he can buy somewhere on his own.

I never would have in a million years expected any of this when they were together. But sometimes we just don't know what people are like and what relationships are like. Hope your dd is okay.

'Sensible and steady' translates to boring especially for someone she's been with since age 22. There doesn't have to be anything wrong with him but she's obviously got a gut feeling it's not working. I hope she travels round the world and enjoys the single life before meeting the man of her dreams.

Listen but also remind her that's it's also ok to feel conflicted about growing older, the longing for a past time when you were carefree is often associated with men but women can feel like that too, it's not that they don't care for their partner but they don't feel ready to spend evenings watching tv dramas and talking about what colour to paint the hallway... I get it, my ex felt like that too

She's 26, this sounds all very normal.

I doubt many people on here would recommend setting down so young.

It mainly depends on cultural and mentality differences between east & west.

Very many girls in Eastern Europe are quite ready to get married & have their 1st baby in their early/late 20s. Most western girls take time to mature and think about possibly starting a family in their late 20s/early 30s at the earliest.

My cousin got married at 17, nearly 18. Her groom was 20. They have just celebrated their 25 years Silver Wedding Anniversary. They are a very happy couple together and true Soulmates. Their daughter is 23, and their son is 7.

They also sometimes happily sacrifice their career ambitions to put their young families 1st.

They often catch up on their career success by their late 30s/early 40s when they have more free time as their children are older and are more independent.

Western youth takes longer to mature on average.

Just my observation.

I didn’t know the Brain didn’t mature till 25/26

Yes, and divorce rates are also sky high for people under 40 in those places.

If you love him so much there's no reason you can't keep in contact with him after your DD separates from him.

Just leave it. In the future don't be donating or helping with furnishing your daughter's relationships.
She's a grown-up and can do what she likes but she should also take responsibility. I don't understand men or women who float around in relationships with no goals. What's the point?

She's taking responsibility. She's realised it's not working out and has decided to break up with him...what else is she supposed to do?!

You sound very over dramatic about this, OP. It’s her BF, not yours.

Nothing, however, I'm betting she hasn't just had an epiphany. Friends and family have been very supportive in settling them as a couple in a new home. Then boom it's all been dissolved.
Waste of emotional and physical effort on the part of everybody.

I certainly think at that age having the goal to be financially secure with a home is fundamental. Going out on the piss or faffing aimlessly with a relationship is a foolish endeavor.