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Original poster

Tips for moving in

115 replies

macey011 · 22/05/2022 14:48

Name changed for this but regular poster.

My boyfriend has recently moved into my flat that I own. He was renting nearby. Rent was over £850 a month for him, so made sense for him to move in. Plan was to save up a buy a house in a year or 2.

I think we're both really struggling with the change.

He recently said to me (in anger, in an argument) that he didn't feel like it was his home, it feels like an air B and B. It bothers him that he will never have a financial stake in my flat. He said id done nothing to welcome him into my home. He said he wished he'd stayed in his flat and then the 2 of us bought a house together.

My view if each of those points is- a house never feels like home after only 2 months. We can change things if he wants to (layout, furniture etc). No he will not have a financial stake in my flat. That was the deal when He moved in. Because of that he doesn't contribute at all towards the mortgage payment, only 1/2 bills, which is a very small amount. He is therefore able to save up towards a deposit when we buy a joint house. Re welcoming him, I went through all my stuff and cleared out shelves, 1/2 wardrobe and 1/2 my chest of drawers, one drawer very large under the bed. I'm insulted he said he didn't want to live with me and a bit pissed off that he hasn't realised exactly what I've done to make space for him.

Any tips for making him welcome / making it work with him? Does any of the above sounds like I Am being unreasonable?

What would you do in this situation?

OP posts:
AnotherDelphinium · 22/05/2022 14:53

How are you getting on with him living with you?

I had a partner like this who moved into my house and then tried to make out I wasn’t doing enough to welcome him.

It is difficult moving into someone fully-formed home, rather than buying together and being on neutral territory.

Re-iterate he’s got no stake in your flat, however, if he’d like to become a joint owner; that requires an up-front contribution of (half your equity) plus XX towards the mortgage every month. He might rethink a bit then!

However, offer to him that if it’s not working, he’s welcome to move back out, and you can then reevaluate your relationship. Also, have a Google for cocklodger…

Original poster
macey011 · 22/05/2022 14:59

He is in absolutely no position to contribute 1/2 the equity, which would be many tens of thousands of pounds, so that would definitely be a non- starter.

OP posts:
Original poster
macey011 · 22/05/2022 15:01

@AnotherDelphinium

I had a partner like this who moved into my house and then tried to make out I wasn’t doing enough to welcome him.

How did it turn out?

OP posts:
Finalcountdowntoourtripaway · 22/05/2022 15:06

Be glad you learned he is a bratty man child before you got a mortgage together..
Send him back.

AnotherDelphinium · 22/05/2022 15:08

He got the heave-ho when I realised he was a cocklodger, and an absolute cock to boot!

If he’s not got £, make clear that he’s already getting a bargain living rent-free, but you’re obviously not prepared to give him your home and security. He’s obviously angling; and make clear how unattractive
it is.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 22/05/2022 15:14

he will not have a financial stake in my flat. That was the deal when He moved in. Because of that he doesn't contribute at all towards the mortgage payment

So he gets free rent but you haven't made him feel welcome enough? F that.

Out he goes and DO NOT buy a property with him. Tell him he needs to find his own place again.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 22/05/2022 15:15

I'm worried that he's going to try and use your capital from the flat to fund the joint home, then he'll claim 50/50 if you split.

CaperCaper · 22/05/2022 15:17

I would calmly ask him what more you could do to welcome him.

Definitely make the point about if he wants to have a stake in the property you can have it valued and he can contribute toward equity and start paying the mortgage.

Maybe you'd consider him paying half the mortgage and all maintenance bills from here and gaining if there is any equity increase (or paying if prices go down - which is possible) until the point you buy together.

And, maybe it was too soon, offer him to move out again if he feels that's the right thing to do. It is tough to move into someone else's space.

Original poster
macey011 · 22/05/2022 15:46

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 22/05/2022 15:15

I'm worried that he's going to try and use your capital from the flat to fund the joint home, then he'll claim 50/50 if you split.

My bestie is a property solicitor so I've spoken to her about this in depth. I'm protected legally, it's more the relationship element I wanted opinions on.

OP posts:
MangoMaddie · 22/05/2022 15:58

I think how he’s feeling is sort of inevitable given the set up, unfortunately.

Original poster
macey011 · 22/05/2022 16:00

MangoMaddie · 22/05/2022 15:58

I think how he’s feeling is sort of inevitable given the set up, unfortunately.

So how could the setup be changed then?

Seems like the best option in the circs with big advantages for him (ie no rent).

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 22/05/2022 16:01

He sounds like a giant fucking baby, and the mask has slipped.

It bothers him that he will never have a financial stake in my flat.

Oh really? A stake in something he is in no way entitled to. What a prick.

I'd be heaving him out the door immediately. You tried an experiment, it failed. Get rid.

Aquamarine1029 · 22/05/2022 16:03

Finalcountdowntoourtripaway · 22/05/2022 15:06

Be glad you learned he is a bratty man child before you got a mortgage together..
Send him back.

This is spades. You have been given the gift of seeing him for who he really is.

Pinkbonbon · 22/05/2022 16:03

Seriously op, get him the fuck out of your flat ASAP. He is a cocklodger. And one who is looking to dig in for the longterm and leach off you by the sounds of it (talking about wanting a financial stake in your house- fuck that for a laugh). Absolutely not op, get him out, fast.

Aquamarine1029 · 22/05/2022 16:05

Pinkbonbon · 22/05/2022 16:03

Seriously op, get him the fuck out of your flat ASAP. He is a cocklodger. And one who is looking to dig in for the longterm and leach off you by the sounds of it (talking about wanting a financial stake in your house- fuck that for a laugh). Absolutely not op, get him out, fast.

Another "This in spades." This poster is spot on. Your boyfriend is gaslighting you.

Original poster
macey011 · 22/05/2022 16:07

Your boyfriend is gaslighting you.

How's this?

OP posts:
Blanca87 · 22/05/2022 16:09

I agree this is a major red flag. What a grubby, little grabby, cocklodger he is.

Original poster
macey011 · 22/05/2022 16:09

The way I see it is that we both benefit fro. The situation. I'm paying 1/2 bills not all the bills and I get to keep 100% of the equity in the flat.

He is £800 better off, and can save.

Win win. But obv he doesn't see it that way...

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 22/05/2022 16:13

Also ip you have bent over backwards for him and he gas thrown it in your face like a man baby and still has the cheek to ask for more! He will never stop asking for more.

Please stop asking yourself how you can better accommodate him and start asking yourself why any respectful man would ask for a share in what is yours. Let alone after you already discussed your boundary being that he absolutely would not get a share in your home.

As pp said, it is gaslighting.he is trying to make you feel like you are the one not doing enough or being unfair. So that he can continue to take more and more from you.

Not only does he need to move out ASAP op, you'd be wise to dump him completely. He is a very bad egg indeed. When ppl show you who the are, believe them.

Stop asking yourself how to better accommodate a taker. He will drain you dry and still ask for more.

Ask yourself instead why you are even remotely feeling like his shitty behaviour is your fault. Answer: because he ants you to feel that way.

Don't lower Your boundaries. Raise them. Protect yourself.

Aquamarine1029 · 22/05/2022 16:14

macey011 · 22/05/2022 16:07

Your boyfriend is gaslighting you.

How's this?

You haven't noticed that everything is somehow your fault?

You haven't "welcomed" him enough. You won't allow him a stake in his flat. The poor dear feels like an outsider in his own home, even though it's not his home and the lucky fuck is basically living there for free. The poor, poor man. 🙄

MangoMaddie · 22/05/2022 16:16

macey011 · 22/05/2022 16:00

So how could the setup be changed then?

Seems like the best option in the circs with big advantages for him (ie no rent).

Show quote history

I think I'm seeing it completely differently to how PP are seeing it. They're assuming he isn't happy with the v generous arrangement because he's a greedy cocklodger. My assumption was that he's unhappy precisely because he's not a greedy cocklodger- he knows he isn't paying his way and so it doesn't feel like his home. He's basically a guest and feels like one, which is fine if you're a greedy cocklodger but really not if you're not.

Could be totally wrong about this, but I think it's how I would feel in that situation- I wouldn't feel comfortable with the arrangement because I'd basically be living at my partner's expense and I wouldn't feel like an equal. Someone going on about what a great deal I was getting would just make me feel worse.

You know the guy- what do you think it is?

Original poster
macey011 · 22/05/2022 16:17

I've £800 a month is not to be sniffed at is it?

Market rate for my flat would be upwards of £1k a month in rent for context not because it's snazzy it isn't it's just the location.

OP posts:
Original poster
macey011 · 22/05/2022 16:18

@MangoMaddie

Interesting idea. I think he is struggling with the disparity in our financial status....

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 22/05/2022 16:19

If it were the latter though he could easily pay rent. He could sign an agreement that it is rent money and that it doesn't entitle him to any stake in the property.

Instead however, he is asking for a stake in thr property. Even though op already told hi m from the offset that that was not something she was want to do.

It's boundary pushing and he is absolutely, at it.

ScootsMcHoy · 22/05/2022 16:22

He's trying to get you to feel guilty for something. It's not normal to move in with a partner and expect a welcome. I assume you've made space for his clothes and his things.

Whatever you do, don't make any financial gestures to make him feel like it's his home.

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