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Original poster

Tips for moving in

115 replies

macey011 · 22/05/2022 14:48

Name changed for this but regular poster.

My boyfriend has recently moved into my flat that I own. He was renting nearby. Rent was over £850 a month for him, so made sense for him to move in. Plan was to save up a buy a house in a year or 2.

I think we're both really struggling with the change.

He recently said to me (in anger, in an argument) that he didn't feel like it was his home, it feels like an air B and B. It bothers him that he will never have a financial stake in my flat. He said id done nothing to welcome him into my home. He said he wished he'd stayed in his flat and then the 2 of us bought a house together.

My view if each of those points is- a house never feels like home after only 2 months. We can change things if he wants to (layout, furniture etc). No he will not have a financial stake in my flat. That was the deal when He moved in. Because of that he doesn't contribute at all towards the mortgage payment, only 1/2 bills, which is a very small amount. He is therefore able to save up towards a deposit when we buy a joint house. Re welcoming him, I went through all my stuff and cleared out shelves, 1/2 wardrobe and 1/2 my chest of drawers, one drawer very large under the bed. I'm insulted he said he didn't want to live with me and a bit pissed off that he hasn't realised exactly what I've done to make space for him.

Any tips for making him welcome / making it work with him? Does any of the above sounds like I Am being unreasonable?

What would you do in this situation?

OP posts:
DuchesOfSausage · 23/05/2022 08:37

Bin him

macey011 · 23/05/2022 09:21

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

macey011 · 23/05/2022 09:33

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

AtrociousCircumstance · 23/05/2022 09:50

So he feels perfectly entitled to criticise you and your flat but when you react to that he says you’re too sensitive?

’You're too sensitive’ is code for ‘I don’t care about your feelings or opinions, STFU’.

Doesnt look good OP.

Original poster
macey011 · 23/05/2022 10:03

My messages deleted because I said a bit too much I think!

Basically I put a lot of work into my place, bought alone and paid for all improvements/ did DIY successfully alone.

So when he criticises it I do struggle. He says I'm too sensitive about it.

OP posts:
CrumpetStrumpet · 23/05/2022 10:10

Telling you you're 'too sensitive' is a classic trait of an abuser.

It keeps you in your place and doubting your own emotions.

You aren't been too sensitive to somebody criticising the flat you have put a lot of work into making your home. A flat that he is now living in for free!!!

What right does he have to do that? Would you do the same if the roles were reversed? Or would you just be profoundly grateful that he was letting you live in his home rent free whilst allowing you to save? I suspect the latter because you are a genuine person...unlike your boyfriend.

DuchesOfSausage · 23/05/2022 10:10

If you like your flat and have made the effort to get it that way, then you would mind if your cocklodger criticised it.

You are not too sensitive; he's saying that because it is easier for him to blame you than apologise.

It is difficult when you move into someone else's home but it is also difficult having someone move into yours.

I'd ask him to move out. I've been in a similar position. I asked him to contribute and he left

Original poster
macey011 · 23/05/2022 12:04

He also called my crazy the other day which I know is a classic abuse tactic.

I said to him that I defo wasn't crazy. I had my head screwed on and my life was pretty well sorted thank you.

I also said him calling me crazy was a major red flag. Major. He did back down.

To be clear I am not crazy I'm actually pretty sane.

OP posts:
Newestname002 · 23/05/2022 12:18

@macey011

So when he criticises it I do struggle. He says I'm too sensitive about it.

Wonder how he'd feel if you behaved the same way at his house. Oh no he can't because he moved into your home which you're rightly proud of as you've put so much effort into and has no problem criticising.

As for him calling you crazy - I'm afraid I'd not be putting up with that and would tell him to move out of my home - the rude, ungrateful, uncaring wretch.

The fact he's backed down once you pulled him up on it was less to do with him hurting you than seeing he was likely to lose his comfortable, cheap billet than because he really thought he was in the wrong. 🌹

Finalcountdowntoourtripaway · 23/05/2022 12:29

Up until this point you are sane. He is messing with your mh. Isn't that reason to call it a day?

Thesefeetaremadeforwalking · 23/05/2022 12:40

OP, before you go any further you get to have a Co-habitation Agreement drawn up by a solicitor.

If he baulks at this, ask yourself why?

www.lawsociety.org.uk/en/public/for-public-visitors/common-legal-issues/moving-in-together-getting-a-cohabitation-agreement#:~:text=A%20cohabitation%20agreement%20is%20a,before%20you%20move%20in%20together.

Original poster
macey011 · 23/05/2022 12:50

Thanks all for your input it's been helpful.

OP posts:
CrumpetStrumpet · 23/05/2022 12:55

He calls you crazy and over sensitive?

This won't get better op. How dare he treat you like this. I'm furious on your behalf.

You are better than this. Throw him and his red flags out and enjoy your lovely flat alone in peace.

Freemoney22 · 23/05/2022 13:00

This reply has been deleted

This message was deleted as it was spam

MagicTurtle · 23/05/2022 13:00

OP, did he ever call you crazy or over sensitive before he moved in?

Original poster
macey011 · 23/05/2022 13:01

MagicTurtle · 23/05/2022 13:00

OP, did he ever call you crazy or over sensitive before he moved in?

No he didn't.

OP posts:
MagicTurtle · 23/05/2022 13:05

Hmm. That seems a bit worrying 🙁

Aquamarine1029 · 23/05/2022 13:09

macey011 · 23/05/2022 12:04

He also called my crazy the other day which I know is a classic abuse tactic.

I said to him that I defo wasn't crazy. I had my head screwed on and my life was pretty well sorted thank you.

I also said him calling me crazy was a major red flag. Major. He did back down.

To be clear I am not crazy I'm actually pretty sane.

I really, really hope you're not foolish enough to stay with this man. How many red flags do you need? He is not the man you thought he was.

CrumpetStrumpet · 23/05/2022 13:10

He's showing his true colours now he's got his feet under the table!

whatstheteamarie · 23/05/2022 14:14

On a very basic point, the half he pays to bills is naff all really.

Your council tax will have gone up by 25% when he moved in as you're no longer a single occupier. (So if you were paying £75, you're now paying £100 and presumably he's contributing £50, so actually you're only getting a quarter of the real CT cost from him)

Similarly with electricity and gas and water (if you're on a meter) his half isn't really saving you half because the cost will have gone up from when you lived alone due to his additional usage.

So whilst he's saving £800 a month by moving in with you, you're probably only saving £100 or so (if that) by having him live with you; how is that fair?

Whilst your flat continues to be your property, his £800 a month will be going into his own savings account no doubt, so if he walked away tomorrow (after 2 months) he'd have £1600 saved in his name and you'd have a couple of hundred, this disparity will be in the thousands after just a few months.

Does he honestly not see how good he's got it?

Original poster
macey011 · 23/05/2022 14:26

Well, it's not costing me anything for him being there. And I thought that I'd enjoy him being there but it's not working out that way.

OP posts:
Original poster
macey011 · 23/05/2022 17:27

whatstheteamarie · 23/05/2022 14:14

On a very basic point, the half he pays to bills is naff all really.

Your council tax will have gone up by 25% when he moved in as you're no longer a single occupier. (So if you were paying £75, you're now paying £100 and presumably he's contributing £50, so actually you're only getting a quarter of the real CT cost from him)

Similarly with electricity and gas and water (if you're on a meter) his half isn't really saving you half because the cost will have gone up from when you lived alone due to his additional usage.

So whilst he's saving £800 a month by moving in with you, you're probably only saving £100 or so (if that) by having him live with you; how is that fair?

Whilst your flat continues to be your property, his £800 a month will be going into his own savings account no doubt, so if he walked away tomorrow (after 2 months) he'd have £1600 saved in his name and you'd have a couple of hundred, this disparity will be in the thousands after just a few months.

Does he honestly not see how good he's got it?

No I don't think he does.

If I were him I'd be over the moon!

OP posts:
CrumpetStrumpet · 23/05/2022 18:09

It is costing you more though. Surely you're using more electric etc.? Plus as a pp said, you'll have lost your single person council tax discount?

Original poster
macey011 · 23/05/2022 18:16

CrumpetStrumpet · 23/05/2022 18:09

It is costing you more though. Surely you're using more electric etc.? Plus as a pp said, you'll have lost your single person council tax discount?

it's still costing me less than living there alone.

But I'm paying more than him because I pay the mortgage.

OP posts:
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 23/05/2022 18:49

I think he is struggling with the disparity in our financial status....

I think you're struggling with the notion that he's a cheeky cocklodger, everyone else has called you on it, but you're still in denial. Good luck.