Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

Tips for moving in

115 replies

macey011 · 22/05/2022 14:48

Name changed for this but regular poster.

My boyfriend has recently moved into my flat that I own. He was renting nearby. Rent was over £850 a month for him, so made sense for him to move in. Plan was to save up a buy a house in a year or 2.

I think we're both really struggling with the change.

He recently said to me (in anger, in an argument) that he didn't feel like it was his home, it feels like an air B and B. It bothers him that he will never have a financial stake in my flat. He said id done nothing to welcome him into my home. He said he wished he'd stayed in his flat and then the 2 of us bought a house together.

My view if each of those points is- a house never feels like home after only 2 months. We can change things if he wants to (layout, furniture etc). No he will not have a financial stake in my flat. That was the deal when He moved in. Because of that he doesn't contribute at all towards the mortgage payment, only 1/2 bills, which is a very small amount. He is therefore able to save up towards a deposit when we buy a joint house. Re welcoming him, I went through all my stuff and cleared out shelves, 1/2 wardrobe and 1/2 my chest of drawers, one drawer very large under the bed. I'm insulted he said he didn't want to live with me and a bit pissed off that he hasn't realised exactly what I've done to make space for him.

Any tips for making him welcome / making it work with him? Does any of the above sounds like I Am being unreasonable?

What would you do in this situation?

OP posts:

2bazookas · 22/05/2022 16:24

Its very fortunate that he has revealed his basic nature before you committed yourself legally financially or emotionally.

He has shown himself to be needy, demanding, unreasonable, duplicitous, mean , tight and immature. Full House! Red Flag Bingo!

Just send him back to live on his own, and move on.

Original poster

macey011 · 22/05/2022 16:27

I'm defo not constantly reminding him of what a great deal he has 😂

OP posts:

FinallyHere · 22/05/2022 16:28

calmly ask him what more you could do to welcome him.

This really is good advice. Especially the calm part, I would start a discussion the way I would at work, no hidden agenda to get to the real nub of the problem.

If there is something small you could have done but overlooked, by all means find out what might have made that difference.

He is £800 better off, and can save.

If it turns out to be that he genuinely is unhappy about not already owning a slice of your flat just because you have allowed him to move in rent-free ... then I would be really, really cautious about your way forward. I don't think I would want to clown a house with someone who might think like that.

The first year after we moved in together (having visited each other for nearly ten years with never any argument) was very stormy. It takes a lot for both of you to adjust to sharing space.

Good luck

MagicTurtle · 22/05/2022 16:29

Call his bluff OP. Tell him if he's not happy, he's welcome to move out again into rented accommodation and then buy a flat together when he's able to. Just like he says he wants to.

Pinkbonbon · 22/05/2022 16:30

Also op...your bills will go up with him living there. So you're not really getting a good deal at all. More...bent over and fucked tbh.

Fair enough maybe if he covered ALL your bills (just gave you the cash, put his name on nothing). And also the groceries/dates ect... maybe. But half the bills...lol. He's won a watch there.

If you aren't gonna turf him out, suggest that you speak to a solicitor and sign an agreement where he pays half of everything and also 400 quid in rent (still a great deal for him if the alternative was 800 on his own) but that it doesn't not entitle him to a share in your home. And watch as the colour drains from his face and he splutters and then probably throws the strop to end all strops.

Overthewine · 22/05/2022 16:35

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

venusandmars · 22/05/2022 16:54

dh and I had 2 places, one his, one mine (fortunately owned with mortages) and we didn't move in together until we were ready to puy one place together. It would have been cheaper for me to move to his, or him to move into mine, and we could have saved together for a new place. But I know that wouldn't have worked for me.

My home was in a location that I chosen, they type of accommodation and layout that I chosen and which suited me. The way that the kitchen cupboards were organised were how I had done them when I moved in (and probably how they were organised in my parent's house). Which side of the bed I slept on, where the clean sheets were kept, whether the toothbrushes were in a mug or a holder, how much 'stuff' lay around; routines for getting up, putting the dishwasher on, where the laundry hung, putting the dustbins out, where the recycling went. ALL of the decisions would have been mine. Or his if I'd moved into his place.

It's a million tiny, tiny things that each have the potential to rub one another up the wrong way, without the excitement of building a home together, or the genuinely shared decision making about which cupboard your mugs go in.

What has happened to all his belongings? Did he have furniture that has been incorporated into your house? Have you ditched both sofas and bought something new together, to your joint taste? Space in the wardrobe for his clothes does sound like an airBNB. Did he have pillows, sheets, bed covers towels? What has happened to them?

How have you made decisions about which shelf in the fridge the cheese is kept on? Or anything else realted to cooking, untensils, responsibilities?

What was your life like before you moved in together? Did he cook and clean in his place, did you cook and clean in yours?

There's so much more to this than just who is paying for what. Perhaps?

MangoMaddie · 22/05/2022 17:02

macey011 · 22/05/2022 16:18

@MangoMaddie

Interesting idea. I think he is struggling with the disparity in our financial status....

Seems unlikely then that the issue is that he wants more from you, rather than that he feels uncomfortable accepting your generosity. But as I say, you’re the one who knows him, not MN.

I also think PP above making the point about what it’s like to move into someone else’s established home is very wise.

Assuming you do actually like him and he’s not the monster MN is imagining, I’d try to have a calm conversation with him about it all. Where is all his stuff? Presumably he hasn’t had to reduce his belongings to half a wardrobe and a drawer?

Original poster

macey011 · 22/05/2022 17:09

Yes I agree there is a lot more to it than money!

So if space in a wardrobe sounds like an air B and B then how can I fix that????

OP posts:

Pinkbonbon · 22/05/2022 17:13

macey011 · 22/05/2022 17:09

Yes I agree there is a lot more to it than money!

So if space in a wardrobe sounds like an air B and B then how can I fix that????

Well how has he proposed fixing it?

What are you supposed to be psychic and guess his needs?

Original poster

macey011 · 22/05/2022 17:26

He hasn't made any suggestions to fix it.

OP posts:

Pinkbonbon · 22/05/2022 17:35

Well I'm sorry op but yet another example of him trying to make out you are responsible for fixing his problems. Or being unfair somehow.

If I was him I would have said 'would you mind if I buy some storage bins or something from argos?'. Or 'can I hang some paintings I like to make it feel more like my home?' Ect... and yet instead of suggesting practical things or sentimental things...he jumped straight to wanting to own part of your house! Which is the real issue, all that other shite about not feeling accommodated is just to get you worrying that you aren't doing enough. Softening you up for a using.

MangoMaddie · 22/05/2022 17:35

Slightly hard for him to suggest fixes when it’s your flat.

He could pay rent, with an agreement making clear it’s not a mortgage payment?

Is his stuff in storage? Could he bring more of it to the flat? Furniture, books and pictures etc, not just his clothes.

I also just think what you’re trying to do is just very hard- it doesn’t feel like his home because it isn’t his home- it’s yours. Will need a lot of understanding on both sides, good communication and a concrete plan for the future.

summer712 · 22/05/2022 17:51

What is he or was he expecting? Have you asked him? Ask him outright and go from there.

You will know at that point if he's a cheeky twat or he's not.

Original poster

macey011 · 22/05/2022 17:54

Happy to make changes to the furniture etc. his previous flat was furnished so he basically had no furniture. He has pictures and stuff which I can encourage him to put up.

I was in his position years ago when I moved in with an ex who lived in a flat owned by his parents. Genuinely didn't bother me that it was all his stuff, but then we're all different aren't we?

OP posts:

Elaisa · 22/05/2022 17:55

Given you are willing to discuss how to improve the situation (even furniture layout), how would it be different if he moved into a new, fully furnished rental home? I assume he had some restrictions when he moved to the previous rental and he didn't get any ownership when he was living there (poor him).

I get it's difficult to move in to your partners home, but he is in a position to save for your future home and can make suggestions to make your home more his.

From my point of view, he's full of BS.

summer712 · 22/05/2022 18:14

Did you have any conversations about how he could make it more like his?

I still think you need to ask what he was expecting.

Original poster

macey011 · 22/05/2022 19:10

Yeah I think we defo need to discuss again. Planning on that.

OP posts:

CaperCaper · 22/05/2022 21:26

OP, my advice is just ask open questions and listen.

Questions like "How do you see this working well, what would it take for you to be comfortable, how do you think we should work this financially". Don't get into a debate or express your view, you need to know where his head is at. You can comment later, this approach will help you get to the heart of it.

This conversation will tell you everything you need to know and help you make you mind up on next steps.

Rainbowqueeen · 22/05/2022 21:44

Agree with @CaperCaper I’d be asking him questions about how he feels this could be resolved and listening very carefully to his responses.

What’s his contribution to cleaning and cooking?? Is that of a standard that you would expect from someone in a relationship ??

He’s really not coming across well at all and I’d be very wary

Original poster

macey011 · 22/05/2022 22:12

He is very good at cooking and cleaning and defo pulls his weight in that regard. He is very keen to have things organised.

I've spoken to him this evening and we've requested some time off during the extended bank holiday to get the flat ship shape. I'm going to encourage him to add his pictures and we've agreed to change some furniture.

I think probably the sentiment was good (ie he wants this to feel like home and create a home together with me) but it came out his mouth in a bit of an ugly emotional mess! Agree with previous posters that it came out a bit bratty / immature.

OP posts:

settingsunshine · 23/05/2022 00:54

MagicTurtle · 22/05/2022 16:29

Call his bluff OP. Tell him if he's not happy, he's welcome to move out again into rented accommodation and then buy a flat together when he's able to. Just like he says he wants to.

Yes yes yes

AtrociousCircumstance · 23/05/2022 00:58

So he’s living rent free and whinging about it?

he sounds like a jerk. This won’t end well. Protect yourself financially OP.

Original poster

macey011 · 23/05/2022 07:13

I am protected financially. We have no shared assets and he will have no right to the flat.

OP posts:

CrumpetStrumpet · 23/05/2022 08:08

Frankly he's got a nerve even complaining.

He's living in your house RENT FREE and still has the gall to complain about cupboard space and it not feeling like home.

In what way do you need to take time off to get your flat ship shape? What's wrong with it? Or has he expected you to use up your annual leave to get your flat more to his liking rather than just proactively doing it himself?

Just watch his guy. He might be mollified by your adjustments for a while but I guarantee he'll be complaining about something else soon.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Swipe left for the next trending thread