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Original poster

Tips for moving in

115 replies

macey011 · 22/05/2022 14:48

Name changed for this but regular poster.

My boyfriend has recently moved into my flat that I own. He was renting nearby. Rent was over £850 a month for him, so made sense for him to move in. Plan was to save up a buy a house in a year or 2.

I think we're both really struggling with the change.

He recently said to me (in anger, in an argument) that he didn't feel like it was his home, it feels like an air B and B. It bothers him that he will never have a financial stake in my flat. He said id done nothing to welcome him into my home. He said he wished he'd stayed in his flat and then the 2 of us bought a house together.

My view if each of those points is- a house never feels like home after only 2 months. We can change things if he wants to (layout, furniture etc). No he will not have a financial stake in my flat. That was the deal when He moved in. Because of that he doesn't contribute at all towards the mortgage payment, only 1/2 bills, which is a very small amount. He is therefore able to save up towards a deposit when we buy a joint house. Re welcoming him, I went through all my stuff and cleared out shelves, 1/2 wardrobe and 1/2 my chest of drawers, one drawer very large under the bed. I'm insulted he said he didn't want to live with me and a bit pissed off that he hasn't realised exactly what I've done to make space for him.

Any tips for making him welcome / making it work with him? Does any of the above sounds like I Am being unreasonable?

What would you do in this situation?

OP posts:
CaperCaper · 23/05/2022 19:07

If anything he's the 'sensitive' one because he's not adjusting well to living together. You are quite right to have zero tolerance on the 'crazy' comment OP. You have got your head screwed on. I would be very worried based on your recent comments, feels as though he's trying to show who's boss and wear down your self esteem. You're doing him a massive favour OP, definitely call his bluff, tell him you're not convinced it's working for you and it might be better if you lived separately again.

Tell him you feel taken for granted, having made effort to welcome him into your home on a fantastic financial deal you get no appreciation for it and instead he's undermining you and complaining - but can't suggest how to improve the things he's complaining about. You'd be happier alone.

Original poster
macey011 · 23/05/2022 19:16

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 23/05/2022 18:49

I think he is struggling with the disparity in our financial status....

I think you're struggling with the notion that he's a cheeky cocklodger, everyone else has called you on it, but you're still in denial. Good luck.

I don't think I'm in denial at all! I do think his behaviour is bad!

OP posts:
BowerOfBramble · 23/05/2022 19:39

Ooh OP I’m upset on your behalf! Horrible that you thought this was a really positive step and he’s ruined it.

just imagine being in his position for a moment / imagine if you’d moved in with your boyfriend, you’re effectively being handed £800 a month and you’re living with your beloved, working towards buying your own place which wasn’t possible before. Then imagine a) having the gall to complain you don’t own any part of the lovely flat b) complaining that you feel like a guest (that’ll be the living for all but free!) c) calling your partner crazy and over sensitive when they’re hurt by your complaints. My guess is you’d rather tear off your own ears than do any part of that. I’m sorry he’s turning out to be a knob and I hope over the next few hours and days you’ll gain the strength to invite him to leave again. Don’t let him suck you back in! He’s a mean and selfish person.

Original poster
macey011 · 23/05/2022 21:39

So... update.

I just said to him that maybe he'd like to put some pictures up and stuff and had he thought about that to make him feel more at home.

He said he hadn't thought about pictures. He said that I had to get rid of my dining table (folding down one) because there's no room. I said that was really important to me to keep because I like having friends around and stuff. He then said that I never listen to him. Why would I ask him what he wants to do when I don't even listen to him. I tried to explain that the table when folded was v small and maybe we could keep it folded down more.

He then said that he would take down an item of furniture that's his, which is never something that I asked for or wanted to do. He did impressions of my accent, which was very hurtful. He then said I'd done impressions of him (I don't remember this and when I asked he didn't give me any examples).

He also mentioned that I'd changed my mind about going out for a meal a couple of weeks ago and that was selfish... it wasn't any grand plan and he seemed fine with it at the time.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 23/05/2022 21:45

macey011 · 23/05/2022 21:39

So... update.

I just said to him that maybe he'd like to put some pictures up and stuff and had he thought about that to make him feel more at home.

He said he hadn't thought about pictures. He said that I had to get rid of my dining table (folding down one) because there's no room. I said that was really important to me to keep because I like having friends around and stuff. He then said that I never listen to him. Why would I ask him what he wants to do when I don't even listen to him. I tried to explain that the table when folded was v small and maybe we could keep it folded down more.

He then said that he would take down an item of furniture that's his, which is never something that I asked for or wanted to do. He did impressions of my accent, which was very hurtful. He then said I'd done impressions of him (I don't remember this and when I asked he didn't give me any examples).

He also mentioned that I'd changed my mind about going out for a meal a couple of weeks ago and that was selfish... it wasn't any grand plan and he seemed fine with it at the time.

Come on, op. If this doesn't make you realise that this arsehole needs to leave your home, I don't know what it will take. He is trying to grind you down until you don't even know if you're coming or going. He is a horrible, manipulative prick.

MadMadMadamMim · 23/05/2022 21:56

Just say bluntly to him We've tried this and it's clearly not working. You need to move out. I'll give you the month, but after that you're gone. You're doing my head in and I want my space back.

Don't be apologetic and don't back down. He's been a pain in the arse.

Newestname002 · 23/05/2022 22:19

He then said that I never listen to him. Why would I ask him what he wants to do when I don't even listen to him.

He did impressions of my accent, which was very hurtful.

So now he's mocking you and trying to manipulate you...

Time for him to leave, @macey011 - and soon. 🌹

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 23/05/2022 22:24

You need to kick him out OP

I moved into my now husbands flat. The only thing I asked was if I could repaint the walls in some rooms which were a lurid green colour and made me feel ill. It was his house. I added some pictures and other stuff that we agreed on as well. And that was that. I was happy to pay him a small amount of rent as didnt want any proper financial ties to him til we knew it was permanent

Firstly it would be ok if he wanted it to be more like a home. And it would eb ok if he wanted a financial interest in your house after paying towards it for years...but after a few weeks he thinks he should have a financial interest? That isnt emotion coming out, that's calculated. Emotional outburst don't include demands for long term financial investments to be signed over.

He has only been there a short time and has also called you selfish, accused you of not listening, said you're crazy etc...

Chuck him out. This is not going to get better

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 23/05/2022 22:28

And mocking and gaslighting...you don't need any more red flags to end things

Pinkbonbon · 23/05/2022 22:59

So clearly he has to go. What's the gameplan?

I'd tell him to fuck off put on my house immediately based on that recent shocking display of behaviour tbh op.

He is testing your boundaries in yet another way - can I get her to part with something important to her? What if I tell her she is being selfish not to? What if I make out I am sacrificing something (that I don't actually give a fuck about) too? Test test test. Push push push. Take take take.

Get out of this ASAP op. More red flags than a communist rally at this point.

Pinkbonbon · 23/05/2022 22:59

*to fuck off out of my house

Original poster
macey011 · 23/05/2022 23:01

How do I get him out though?

OP posts:
Original poster
macey011 · 23/05/2022 23:02

What do I do with the dog?

OP posts:
Original poster
macey011 · 23/05/2022 23:02

Sorry everyone I know it's late...

OP posts:
Original poster
macey011 · 23/05/2022 23:04

The funny thing is I've literally told you guys like 10% of the bad things. There are loads of other bad things...

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 23/05/2022 23:07

You say 'this isn't working for me, I want you to leave. Pack your shit and go'.

If he kicks off, you say 'you can sleep on the sofa tonight but if you're not gone by mid day tomorrow I will call the police'. And bloody well do so if he doesn't. Then change thr locks. Even if he gives the key back as you just dont know if he has copied it. He seems the sort.

You say he didn't take much furniture with him. Good. If there is anything big, he can make arrangements with you for a company to collect it and deliver it to him when he has space for it. But he has to leave now/in the morning.

Lock your bedroom door tonight. Call over a family member or friend to stay with you if possible and be with you when he is leaving.

Pinkbonbon · 23/05/2022 23:08

Oh qnd kbv if there's any threats of violence then call the police immediately.

This is your home and he is a guest who has no rights to it and pays no rent.

ProudThrilledHappy · 23/05/2022 23:09

You just need to say “Look I think maybe we moved a bit too quickly and this is not going to work out. You will need to find somewhere else to live”

Original poster
macey011 · 23/05/2022 23:11

There's nothing really big.... it's more how do I just get rid without him taking the dog, breaking or stealing anything. Maybe I should just take off with the dog tomorrow.

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 23/05/2022 23:17

macey011 · 23/05/2022 23:02

What do I do with the dog?

Whos dog is it? As in - who does most of the work looking after it?

One of you has to take it. If you feel it would be loved and cared for only by you, then I would take it to a friends and have them watch it for a bit - so he can't snatch it just so spite you when you split.

If however, you cannot look after it alone and you don't think he would abuse it or anything then it may be best to just let him have it. He may try to hold it over you of course by using it to get you to meet him ect... but best to be strong and not do so.

It's a hard choice to make op bit your freedom from tyranny is most important. Put yourself first.

Pinkbonbon · 23/05/2022 23:19

macey011 · 23/05/2022 23:11

There's nothing really big.... it's more how do I just get rid without him taking the dog, breaking or stealing anything. Maybe I should just take off with the dog tomorrow.

Does he ever go away for a whole day? Eg: 9-5 work?

If so, you could just change the locks and then drop his stuff round his parents or something (or pay for a month's storage for it). And then just text him.

Whatever keeps you safe.

Original poster
macey011 · 23/05/2022 23:21

No he works from home, unfortunately. Literally don't even know how I could get him out...

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 23/05/2022 23:21

What dog? Who's dog is it?

I'd be telling him to leave by Thursday.

Original poster
macey011 · 23/05/2022 23:24

We adopted the dog together when things were good. Registered under both our names.

Really want him gone...

I might call in sick tomorrow, take the dog to a friends and get him out then.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 23/05/2022 23:28

macey011 · 23/05/2022 23:24

We adopted the dog together when things were good. Registered under both our names.

Really want him gone...

I might call in sick tomorrow, take the dog to a friends and get him out then.

Whatever the case about the dog, you can not allow an abusive man to stay in your home because of any animal. He has to go. NOW. I wouldn't go anywhere if I were you. I would tell him to get out.

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