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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Tips for moving in

115 replies

macey011 · 22/05/2022 14:48

Name changed for this but regular poster.

My boyfriend has recently moved into my flat that I own. He was renting nearby. Rent was over £850 a month for him, so made sense for him to move in. Plan was to save up a buy a house in a year or 2.

I think we're both really struggling with the change.

He recently said to me (in anger, in an argument) that he didn't feel like it was his home, it feels like an air B and B. It bothers him that he will never have a financial stake in my flat. He said id done nothing to welcome him into my home. He said he wished he'd stayed in his flat and then the 2 of us bought a house together.

My view if each of those points is- a house never feels like home after only 2 months. We can change things if he wants to (layout, furniture etc). No he will not have a financial stake in my flat. That was the deal when He moved in. Because of that he doesn't contribute at all towards the mortgage payment, only 1/2 bills, which is a very small amount. He is therefore able to save up towards a deposit when we buy a joint house. Re welcoming him, I went through all my stuff and cleared out shelves, 1/2 wardrobe and 1/2 my chest of drawers, one drawer very large under the bed. I'm insulted he said he didn't want to live with me and a bit pissed off that he hasn't realised exactly what I've done to make space for him.

Any tips for making him welcome / making it work with him? Does any of the above sounds like I Am being unreasonable?

What would you do in this situation?

OP posts:

Pinkbonbon · 23/05/2022 23:32

Sounds like a plan. Maybe take any sentimental items and leave them at the mates too. Chuck a sheet or something over the table maybe. Seen as he knows it matters to you.

cornflakedreams · 23/05/2022 23:34

I'm not sure leaving him alone in your home after telling him you want him out is a very good idea.

Pinkbonbon · 23/05/2022 23:36

But don't leave the house once youve told him to go until he is gone. Just incase he does something.

If he really won't go, call the police and tell them you are afraid. That he won't leave your home and is scaring you. Don't go into details. Just let them assume he might be a danger to you. Probably best to do that on the morning though as thrn yo can call a locksmith straight away.

Pinkbonbon · 23/05/2022 23:39

Ooh or, idea, suggest that you need a break. Ask him to go stay at a hotel tomorrow. Whilst he is gone, change the locks.

mumieone · 23/05/2022 23:40

You know where Mr manipulation is taking this don't you?

He wants his name on the deeds with NO contribution on his part. He is wanting a freebie.

There are woman who do this!!! Ex wannabe cocklofger said the older lady he dated when he was renting said....move in and I will even out your name on the house.

So what does that tell you? He is unhappy renting, unhappy with the lack of ownership. His happiness lies in your generosity.

mumieone · 23/05/2022 23:41

Meant cocklodger and out not put.

MagicTurtle · 24/05/2022 07:12

Worried about you now OP. Hope you are ok.

Pinkbonbon · 24/05/2022 11:00

Hope you're OK op! And that you get him out with minimal drama!

BowerOfBramble · 24/05/2022 14:22

Horrible to hear you've only told us 10% of the bad stuff.

I think you've now realised that you think he's capable of damaging your home or hurting you or the dog etc. You can't come back from that. PLEASE don't sleepwalk into a committed relationship with an abusive man. Next step from him will be trying to get you pregnant, legally bound to him, or persuade you to move away together. Hopefully you've got him out today.

Redberries85 · 25/05/2022 08:20

Please get him out. This will only get worse… thank God you found out before getting a mortgage. Leave the dog at a friends

billy1966 · 25/05/2022 11:11

You have moved an abusive man in.

Get the police involved to get him out asap.

It couldn't be clearer that his mask is off.

Don't be foolish, get him out.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 27/05/2022 22:11

How are you, OP?

Did you get him out?

KettrickenSmiled · 28/05/2022 03:17

macey011 · 22/05/2022 17:26

He hasn't made any suggestions to fix it.

He said id done nothing to welcome him into my home.
What did he want - a fucking fanfare?

Let me get this straight.
You have kindly offered your b/f a great deal.
He has bitched & whinged that you haven't made him feel special enough.
When you pull him up on his attitude, he calls you "too sensitive" & "crazy".
Yup, those two bastions of the underminer who is looking to get the upper hand without making any compromises himself.

Yet, for all his complaints, he has not made any suggestions on how he could achieve this nebulous state of "feeling welcome"?

He is putting you on the back foot OP.
Making you feel that you have not done enough, that he is somehow hard done by, & that you'd better come up with concessions & suggestions & compromises.

In short, my dear, you are being manipulated by a wannabe cocklodger who has a serious problem with your material assets. In that he covets them, & feels emasculated by the fact that you have worked for something that he has not achieved.

Don't let him take a fucking penny away from your security.
This man has jealous loser written all over him. He is going to punish you until you feel it's all your fault that he is sooooo unhaaaaappy. And then he is going to stake his claim on your property.
You said it yourself OP: I think he is struggling with the disparity in our financial status....

Yeah. And some men love to punish women for their temerity in providing for said man.

KettrickenSmiled · 28/05/2022 03:30

macey011 · 23/05/2022 12:04

He also called my crazy the other day which I know is a classic abuse tactic.

I said to him that I defo wasn't crazy. I had my head screwed on and my life was pretty well sorted thank you.

I also said him calling me crazy was a major red flag. Major. He did back down.

To be clear I am not crazy I'm actually pretty sane.

OP you sound very blase about this.

Please bear in mind that even the strongest, hardest headed, brightest women are also abused by manipulative fuckers.

You saw the 'crazy' manoeuvre off - this time.
What are you going to do if it keeps coming, or he changes tack slightly?
What will you do when he no longer "backs down"?

You described what he said to you in this uncomfortable row as "coming out ugly" & "bratty". But you seemed to write about it almost as if "oh, the WORDS were unfortunate."
Suppose this wasn't just a turn of phrase? Suppose that is a true reflection of how he actually feels & thinks?

I think we're both really struggling with the change.
You are. It's a power struggle.
One which - for all your smarts - you are unlikely to win.
Because you aren't playing to win. You are playing to be happy, & kind - like a reasonable person.
Your b/f? He's playing to win. All the words & behaviours you have described so far - in 2 short months FFS - are the actions of a man implementing a slow power grab. An unreasonable man who has moved into your home & believes you now owe him.

Newestname002 · 28/05/2022 11:11

How are you doing @macey011? 🌹

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