How to nicely clam down new partners keenness?

[Lifegoalsneeded]

Me f 41 and him m 44, been dating slowly for past 2 months. Last weekend I stayed over at his and we slept together. He kind of pounced on me as walked in saying how he fancied me. The night was full of chemistry.

Was lovely and really enjoyed his company and loved waking up next to him. However since then he has been really keen. In the morning he woke me up by kissing my neck and he wanted to go again. I wasn’t in the mood so we snuggled. Bit annoyed I got woken early by his kissing.

Since last weekend He keeps sending messages about how great last weekend was how much he missed me. He misses me and wants to wake up next me again. We couldn’t meet up during the week with existing plans, so he has been sending me messages like 4 more sleeps till I see you etc.

There are a few hobbies that he likes and I know I certainly won’t enjoy so told him to go with his friends. He replied it’s ok I can live without, we will do stuff with friends on occasional weekends! I replied and said my friend time is important to me. I do think it’s important to not live in each other’s pockets.

Set a time for today for 3pm as he is staying at mine for dinner and drinks and last night he replied will be over around 10am. I replied and said no I have stuff to do come over at 3pm. Later in the text conversation he said I will be over early if you want, I replied let’s stick to 3pm as stuff to do.

He then said he missed me and knew from the first date we would click, then said we need to make a rule that we can only have a gap of 5 days without seeing each other. I replied lets go with the flow. We may see each other often or once a week depending on plans. He replied I am keen as I really like you.

There are other soppy messages and things he says that makes me think he is really keen, more than me. This is a bit off putting. I like him, but due to previous relationships and love bombings I want to take things slowly. We also live 30 mins away and work where we live working long hours.

I also self sabotage when overwhelmed with keen guys.we had a chat about dating apps and both admitted we haven’t been using them much since we started dating, so deleted them. He admitted he struggled to meet people on apps, as I have met lots of people, but he is the only one I have been interested in a while to see what develops. I do like him but he is really keen, like desperately keen. My cynical side is saying it’s new to him so he will call down.

Tips on how to nicely calm down his keenness?

No tips but I have broken up with so many blokes for acting like this I can't bare it I like my space

Read up about love bombing just so you can keep an eye on whether is heady excited over keen or love bombing.

It doesn't sound like love bombing to me. It does sound like a man who is hugely keen, hugely attracted etc and who likes spending lots of time together. If you don't feel that, then this relationship may not work out.

I would.probably try to have a conversation about expectations etc. But if you can't or don't want to give me (which is totally fine), then you don't have to.

He's not a keeper. He's trying to erode your boundaries and set conditions.

He will smother you

Ugh clingy. I had the pushing to come over early before too, I hate it. Are you able to have a frank conversation asking to slow down? There's no rush.

I agree with Clymene.. too much wanting things his own way.

Ughh so he's already trying to control how much he sees you? 🚩

He's overstepping your boundaries. Super keen with added velcro is just, as Clymene wrote, smothering. He will smother you. He's trying to erode your boundaries and set conditions sums it up perfectly.
I am a total stranger sitting here on an online forum and I feel uneasy reading your post, OP. He just sound intense, stressful, and pushy.

I have one like this OP. If you like him just train him like you are doing.

Personally I would just let him know how you feel. Seems like he's very keen which so was my partner when I met him, I pushed him away so much, I opened up to him and my feeling started to grow really fast. We are together 6 years later and a 3 year old. He isn't how he used to be anymore because it's just the "honey moon" period as it's called all excited about eachother then it wears off lol 😂 before his feelings grow more make sure your sure about being with him

Let him know the soppy shit is not your cup of tea though. Nothing worse

"Train him"!?! He's a man, not a bloody cocker spaniel. How patronising. Imagine if you were saying this about a woman someone was seeing!

I think he's still in the honeymoon phase and you were never in it. Neither of you are "wrong" as such, you just sound incompatible. I wouldn't bother trying to change him, just let him go and you can both find other people you'd be happier with.

He sounds ‘head over heels’ and you don’t. Maybe he falls for people really quickly and, and you are more cautious. However, him either not picking up on this or picking up on it and choosing not to moderate his behaviour, would concern me.

See, I’d love this.. but then I have an anxious attachment style..! 🫤

Well I’d just sit him down later and tell him
honestly that you like him, would love to see how things progress but you need to be clear about what you like in a relationship because it’s becoming clear you’re not really on the same page at times.

His response will tell you if it’s workable, if he says ok totally get it, yes I’m a bit keen but I appreciate your honestly and let’s go with the flow - then that’s great and you can give him the chance to adapt to a more laid back style. Or if he gets defensive or cannot handle the feedback - well you know he isn’t emotionally mature and the keenness was probably an entry into trying to erode your boundaries.

It could literally just be that he enjoys a really intimate closeness in relationships. It’s a bit of a flag, possibly. Have a gentle but direct conversation, then you’ll know

Agree with @TheVanguardSix and @Clymene and others.

Too pushy.

I would have the Ick by now.

Pushy pisses me off very quickly.

If you really like him, spell it out really clearly that his pushyness is off putting.

I would actually be very wary.

Otherwise dump him.

Is this him?

Jeeeze I'd have dumped him after receiving the "4 sleeps till I see you" text.

He's 44?

I agree he's smothering and over-stepping your boundaries by insisting he comes round earlier etc only you can decide whether to put up with this so early on.

Oh I'd be so irritated! I hate having to go over things again, that someone's not listened, that I can't rely on them to stick to what has already been discussed and agreed. It's also not real, the enthusiasm - it's projection, euphoria at getting laid, acting out a script, overly needy.

It it feels manipulative and controlling, I'd walk. If it's more odd and over-enthusiastic, I'd have one very clear talk about it, and expect it not to happen again. Then I'd walk.

Tell him very bluntly he is trampling all over your boundaries and not listening to what you want or respecting the type of person you are, and that if he continues along the same lines you'll be finishing the relationship.

The correct response to 'Please come to mine at 3pm' is 'Great. Can't wait till then'. Not 'I'll be there at 10 and we need a rule that we have to see each other every x days'.

ps. It's said you should say no to a man early on to see how he reacts. So don't pussyfoot around, OP, be clear and direct. See it as an opportunity.

I thought soppy but harmless until the 5 day rule, fuck that's a flag I'd be running for the hills.