How to nicely clam down new partners keenness?

[Lifegoalsneeded]

Me f 41 and him m 44, been dating slowly for past 2 months. Last weekend I stayed over at his and we slept together. He kind of pounced on me as walked in saying how he fancied me. The night was full of chemistry.

Was lovely and really enjoyed his company and loved waking up next to him. However since then he has been really keen. In the morning he woke me up by kissing my neck and he wanted to go again. I wasn’t in the mood so we snuggled. Bit annoyed I got woken early by his kissing.

Since last weekend He keeps sending messages about how great last weekend was how much he missed me. He misses me and wants to wake up next me again. We couldn’t meet up during the week with existing plans, so he has been sending me messages like 4 more sleeps till I see you etc.

There are a few hobbies that he likes and I know I certainly won’t enjoy so told him to go with his friends. He replied it’s ok I can live without, we will do stuff with friends on occasional weekends! I replied and said my friend time is important to me. I do think it’s important to not live in each other’s pockets.

Set a time for today for 3pm as he is staying at mine for dinner and drinks and last night he replied will be over around 10am. I replied and said no I have stuff to do come over at 3pm. Later in the text conversation he said I will be over early if you want, I replied let’s stick to 3pm as stuff to do.

He then said he missed me and knew from the first date we would click, then said we need to make a rule that we can only have a gap of 5 days without seeing each other. I replied lets go with the flow. We may see each other often or once a week depending on plans. He replied I am keen as I really like you.

There are other soppy messages and things he says that makes me think he is really keen, more than me. This is a bit off putting. I like him, but due to previous relationships and love bombings I want to take things slowly. We also live 30 mins away and work where we live working long hours.

I also self sabotage when overwhelmed with keen guys.we had a chat about dating apps and both admitted we haven’t been using them much since we started dating, so deleted them. He admitted he struggled to meet people on apps, as I have met lots of people, but he is the only one I have been interested in a while to see what develops. I do like him but he is really keen, like desperately keen. My cynical side is saying it’s new to him so he will call down.

Tips on how to nicely calm down his keenness?

I thought the same when reading this. I'm sure it was intended light hearted but the uproar if this was said about a woman is unfathomable 😐😆

Also: Waking a sleeping person with kisses after your very first night together is not okay. There is zero consent. They're asleep, they've not even had a chance to wake up, much less work out how they feel about you and having had sex with you the night before. Back the fuck off. Wait for them to open their eyes, tentatively greet them, and let them be until they're conscious. If you have to get them up and out, speak, or touch a shoulder.
One of the weirdest things I have ever read on Mumsnet, zero consent to give someone a kiss on the neck after presumably spending the night shagging? Absolutely batshit.

Sometimes I wonder whether I don't see the bigger picture because I'm sure this could be controlling or a big red flag as some are saying but is there a chance that he just really likes you? There are so many posts about feeling under appreciated in a marriage and feeling undesired by a potential partner that I do think it can be hard navigating a new relationship - how do you show you are interested but not too interested, want to spend time but not too much time etc. Maybe the guy is just being black and white and showing you how he feels in the moment? In 6 months time when the honeymoon period wears off, he will no doubt be more comfortable and want to see his friends more etc. I would just tell him honestly how you feel. 😊

Stravaig · Yesterday 18:01

Also: Waking a sleeping person with kisses after your very first night together is not okay. There is zero consent. They're asleep, they've not even had a chance to wake up, much less work out how they feel about you and having had sex with you the night before. Back the fuck off. Wait for them to open their eyes, tentatively greet them, and let them be until they're conscious. If you have to get them up and out, speak, or touch a shoulder.
Don't know how to copy from a post sorry.

Hi, just wanted to give you another perspective. DH and myself were practically living together and engaged by 2 months and we are still happily married 8 years on. Just so you know that not all men who do this are doing it for other motives other than they really like you.

It seems like he is probably into you a lot more than you are into him which can't be helped but if it is irritating you then it sounds like you both aren't on the same page regards feelings and what you want which may cause difficulties.

@Midnightfeasts someone else said he was a 'sex pest' jees !! Anyway the OP has decided she's happy with him now so the whole thread was a bit pointless.

How lovely not to read a 'I slept with him and now he's disappeared' post again.

Congratulations on the relationship. Good luck I hope it works out for you both.

😂😂😂😂

My husband was like this when we first met OP, but it soon tailed off. Hopefully given a few weeks he will be less full on.

This with bells on.

@Midnightfeasts A wee instructional video for you: Tea and Consent

I'm glad you've had a conversation with him, and that he seems to understand.

But why are you worried about being 'nice' to him? The way he was pushing your boundaries initial was not him being nice to you, was it?

If he takes on board genuinely that's great.

I hope it works out for you.

Your friendships are likely long standing if you're 41, I wouldn't be ditching them for any man.

Best of luck.

Has he text you yet saying he's missing you already ? 😂 my ex was like this . Now I'm with someone else who's the complete opposite and guess what ! I miss my ex 😂

Enjoy it before the menopause robs you off sexual feelings and then you'll wonder what any of it was all about

This, I think. I’d be totally annoyed he put his physical needs before mine (no one wakes me up and lives!) and all this time he wants would be too much for me. If he listens, that’s ok, but if he doesn’t and you’ve put it simply, then he will continue to push at your boundaries and it’s exhausting to have to continually hold them agonist a pusher.

This would give me the Ick big time. Agree one warning then ditch. Although debatable if it can be recovered for you now anyway.

Doesn't he have anything else going on in his life? Child (ren), family commitments? Basically other people he cares about?

He does have life. Just all his friends have kids etc. so do most of mine, but I make it work. He is just boy lazy.

this morning he did wait till I was fully awake. He seems to have listened.

Things that are nothing to do with ‘being keen’ and possible red flags:

• after your first night in bed together woke you up by kissing your neck. (Consent issue).
• Explicit assumption that you will do stuff alone (with friends) only occasionally.

— Suggested ‘rule’ of max 5 days without seeing each other. — Your thinking and feeling that you might be ‘self sabotaging’ and should seek to manage him. (When it’s his behaviour that’s off).

The other stuff sounds off putting: could be simply poor relationship skills, or love bombing.

I've had someone quite similar to this recently. He thought I was absolutely perfect, lots of lovely texts, attention etc. When I broke it off, he said along the lines of "fine, I'm not chasing you." Then I never heard from him again. Within 2 days i went from perfect, amazing, wonderful to zero contact. Shows it was all a facade.

@Rosewaterblossom
You had broke it off. Why would he keep contacting you?

It was just the complete adoration to absolutely 0 within a day. If you thought as much of someone as you claimed, to in the intensity you proclaim, you don't just go "ok bye then." It's all soo fake and designed for women to feel so flattered by all the attention and desire that they loose their heads in it all (been there.) When they realise they don't have control they don't wanna know.

One guy from online dating this week wrote "morning beautiful" each day when we exchanged numbers. Which sounds lovely but its creepy from someone you've known days. Then when you say sorry this is not a match they are very much "OK BYE."

Full on the to zero is a big red flag that only proves you right about them time after time.

Once bitten twice shy and all that.

He sounds like Roy Gardner, Anne’s suitor in one of the sequels to Anne of Green Gables, rosewaterblossom!

@Rosewaterblossom. Absolutely agree with everything . I'm sick of them all.