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Original poster

How to nicely clam down new partners keenness?

121 replies

Lifegoalsneeded · 21/05/2022 14:12

Me f 41 and him m 44, been dating slowly for past 2 months. Last weekend I stayed over at his and we slept together. He kind of pounced on me as walked in saying how he fancied me. The night was full of chemistry.

Was lovely and really enjoyed his company and loved waking up next to him. However since then he has been really keen. In the morning he woke me up by kissing my neck and he wanted to go again. I wasn’t in the mood so we snuggled. Bit annoyed I got woken early by his kissing.

Since last weekend He keeps sending messages about how great last weekend was how much he missed me. He misses me and wants to wake up next me again. We couldn’t meet up during the week with existing plans, so he has been sending me messages like 4 more sleeps till I see you etc.

There are a few hobbies that he likes and I know I certainly won’t enjoy so told him to go with his friends. He replied it’s ok I can live without, we will do stuff with friends on occasional weekends! I replied and said my friend time is important to me. I do think it’s important to not live in each other’s pockets.

Set a time for today for 3pm as he is staying at mine for dinner and drinks and last night he replied will be over around 10am. I replied and said no I have stuff to do come over at 3pm. Later in the text conversation he said I will be over early if you want, I replied let’s stick to 3pm as stuff to do.

He then said he missed me and knew from the first date we would click, then said we need to make a rule that we can only have a gap of 5 days without seeing each other. I replied lets go with the flow. We may see each other often or once a week depending on plans. He replied I am keen as I really like you.

There are other soppy messages and things he says that makes me think he is really keen, more than me. This is a bit off putting. I like him, but due to previous relationships and love bombings I want to take things slowly. We also live 30 mins away and work where we live working long hours.

I also self sabotage when overwhelmed with keen guys.we had a chat about dating apps and both admitted we haven’t been using them much since we started dating, so deleted them. He admitted he struggled to meet people on apps, as I have met lots of people, but he is the only one I have been interested in a while to see what develops. I do like him but he is really keen, like desperately keen. My cynical side is saying it’s new to him so he will call down.

Tips on how to nicely calm down his keenness?

OP posts:
burnoutbabe · 21/05/2022 15:51

i had this with blokes. It made me want to RUN RUN RUN

but i knew that usually passed - it was worry they were too keen and maybe i'd led them on etc.

But with current boyfriend, i just let him be keen and chatted to him every night for 10 mins between dates and after 10 mins i said i had to go now and the trapped feeling went.

He had ZERO game. he turned up for first trip to my house, date 5 WITH A small SIUTCASE!!!!! (i mean i would have 100% planned i was staying over if i went to his, and had spare pants/contacts in my bag, but i would have been cooler about it)

12 years later, here we still are.

Trivester · 21/05/2022 15:53

I don’t like having to assert, reassert and guard my boundaries.

This is a ptsd reaction in my part. But I’ve had bad experiences with the “yes but” and “oh just” men.

I can see how this wouldn’t bother some people but it’s making me tired just thinking about it.

IrishMama2015 · 21/05/2022 15:56

I'm trying to say this without being crude....but the keenness started after you slept together. I think he is probably so keen to repeat that process as much and as often as he can! I wonder was it just not as enjoyable for you as it was for him?

2bazookas · 21/05/2022 16:06

He sounds very controlling:-((

Perhaps you should say " Don't rush me and don't push me. Rules and routines don't suit me, if that's what you want then we should call it quits now. "

EarthSight · 21/05/2022 16:24

He then said he missed me and knew from the first date we would click, then said we need to make a rule that we can only have a gap of 5 days without seeing each other

Rule??? What I'd be really careful of here is is him introducing more and more 'rules' all hidden under a cover of kisses and 'but I just miss you, you're great'. Things should be more easy than this. I think you're going to feel very smothered by this pretty soon. I wonder how much of it is innocent enthusiasm and how much of him is delighted that he now has a woman he can have regular sex with.

Onwards22 · 21/05/2022 16:55

He sounds like a sex pest!

I’d arrange to meet up without the sex and I guarantee his keenness will reduce.

If you like him I would just be honest.
Tell him that you said X time and you feel uncomfortable that he’s said a different time multiple times etc.

Onwards22 · 21/05/2022 16:57

I do think it’s a bit odd that you were annoyed he’d woken you up though

This was your first time having sex with him and usually at the beginning you can’t wait to wake up and do it again.

I wonder if you’re just not that keen on him.

wellhelloitsme · 21/05/2022 17:05

Clymene · 21/05/2022 14:33

He's not a keeper. He's trying to erode your boundaries and set conditions.

He will smother you

Absolutely this.

Men who think they can 'nice' away your boundaries aren't that nice at all.

Men who think they can 'I just like you so much' away your boundaries don't like you in a healthy way.

This is who he is. Smothering, suffocating and icky.

Put this one back OP.

billy1966 · 21/05/2022 17:35

Stravaig · 21/05/2022 15:19

ps. It's said you should say no to a man early on to see how he reacts. So don't pussyfoot around, OP, be clear and direct. See it as an opportunity.

This is so true.

Watch carefully how he reacts to you pushing back.

Any resistance.

Dump.

Don't waste any further time.

littleburn · 21/05/2022 17:39

To be honest I started off feeling you were being a bit grumpy complaining about being woken up with kisses, OP. But by the time I got to the 5 day rule and the repeated insistence to arrive 5 hours before you'd be available I was on team dump him. He is all about him and you meeting his needs and is not hearing you and your needs at all.

CheeseComa · 21/05/2022 17:39

This reply has been deleted

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

I agree with this. Not being able to take your hands off each other and spending as much time as possible together seems quite normal in a fresh relationship. If a new partner only wanted to see me once a week and got annoyed by me kissing him, I'd be quite disappointed and think player / commitment issues / not that into me.
Yes, he should learn to take a hint, but he hasn't done anything wrong as such and you're probably just not compatible.

Clymene · 21/05/2022 17:46

Things he has done wrong:

Suggested that they no longer need to see their friends 🚩
Suggested he come over at 10am when they had agreed 3pm. She said no, suggested they stick to agreed time. He then pushed again to come earlier 🚩
Told her that they should not let it go any longer than 5 days without seeing one another 🚩

They are people in their 40s, with busy lives and careers. He has known the OP for 2 months and the moment she has sex with him, he's acting like they're teenagers.

Adults acting like lovestruck teenagers isn't cute, it's 🚩🚩🚩

MyphonedroppedintoColleensboot · 21/05/2022 17:46

train him"!?! He's a man, not a bloody cocker spaniel. How patronising. Imagine if you were saying this about a woman someone was seeing!

if you say so 😂I’m sure men do this all the time for overly attached girlfriends

Or alternatively OP dump dump dump like everyone else is saying

Or….be like me and have a well trained superkeen DP who turns up weekends only with flowers wine nice food and his tool kit for jobs around the house. Great shagging and normal service resumed during the week in which I can work the hours I want and watch my favourite tv and have the bed to myself. Then we go on great hols too

Half of MN would love this

KILM · 21/05/2022 17:48

Im also getting love bombing vibes from this. Trust your gut. Equally - doesnt sound like you are that into him and you should only date someone you really like.

Silvercurtains · 21/05/2022 17:51

Nope. Nope. Nope.

people like that make me very uncomfortable and I’d be worried about his obsessive behaviour turning into stalking behaviour when you take a step back. It doesn’t sound healthy and I think those trying to romanticise this probably have boundary issues within their own relationships.

Stravaig · 21/05/2022 18:01

Also: Waking a sleeping person with kisses after your very first night together is not okay. There is zero consent. They're asleep, they've not even had a chance to wake up, much less work out how they feel about you and having had sex with you the night before. Back the fuck off. Wait for them to open their eyes, tentatively greet them, and let them be until they're conscious. If you have to get them up and out, speak, or touch a shoulder.

Clymene · 21/05/2022 18:21

Stravaig · 21/05/2022 18:01

Also: Waking a sleeping person with kisses after your very first night together is not okay. There is zero consent. They're asleep, they've not even had a chance to wake up, much less work out how they feel about you and having had sex with you the night before. Back the fuck off. Wait for them to open their eyes, tentatively greet them, and let them be until they're conscious. If you have to get them up and out, speak, or touch a shoulder.

Good point. Another 🚩

The OP will be able to make bunting by morning I'm sure.

CheeseComa · 21/05/2022 18:39

Silvercurtains · 21/05/2022 17:51

Nope. Nope. Nope.

people like that make me very uncomfortable and I’d be worried about his obsessive behaviour turning into stalking behaviour when you take a step back. It doesn’t sound healthy and I think those trying to romanticise this probably have boundary issues within their own relationships.

I'm one of the posters who said the guy might just be head over heels for the OP / normal behaviour during honeymoon phase / just different styles and not compatible. I can assure you that I have zero boundary issues in my own relationship. In fact I've always had pretty solid taste in men and only ever had relationships with genuinely nice, kind and respectful men. Not every slightly over-keen and soppy man is a love bombing controlling abuser.
Yes, he might be, but as always on MN every little comment and text message is being blown completely out of proportion to prove that this man absolutely must be a stalky, creepy monster when nobody on here has anywhere near enough information to know this.

NotaCoolMum · 21/05/2022 18:43

He sounds too keen but equally you don’t sound keen at all

Cherrysoup · 21/05/2022 23:30

Tell him not to wake you early. It’s nice that he’s keen, but bloody hell, he needs to let you sleep!

My Dh was way too keen at first, sitting on my doorstep to wait for me, sending a rose then wanting to see me all the time. It was very flattering, but at the time, I was meeting friends and being sociable, he had to wait to see me sometimes. The relationship was incredibly important to me, but there was other stuff I needed to consider.

Ijsbear · 21/05/2022 23:34

MyphonedroppedintoColleensboot · 21/05/2022 17:46

train him"!?! He's a man, not a bloody cocker spaniel. How patronising. Imagine if you were saying this about a woman someone was seeing!

if you say so 😂I’m sure men do this all the time for overly attached girlfriends

Or alternatively OP dump dump dump like everyone else is saying

Or….be like me and have a well trained superkeen DP who turns up weekends only with flowers wine nice food and his tool kit for jobs around the house. Great shagging and normal service resumed during the week in which I can work the hours I want and watch my favourite tv and have the bed to myself. Then we go on great hols too

Half of MN would love this

Ideal!!! Downright heaven!

But OP, you're in your 40's not 17. It's time he grew up a bit.

The 5 - day rule is insane.

You're not unreasonable.

PeachesToday · 22/05/2022 00:08

If you have said you want to take things slow but he’s pushing you like this, it’s not love or affection for you.

It gives me slight anxiety reading your post. I would be ending it. You haven’t even said if you actually like him..?

ChaToilLeam · 22/05/2022 06:21

This would seriously put me off. I hate being touched when I’m asleep and I hate it when people arrive early and get in the way of things I need to do.

if you like him OP, get him tell, and see what his reaction is. Otherwise, get rid. Keen is one thing, needy and smothering another.

Signoramarella · 22/05/2022 06:33

Loving these answers. My ex was like this. Unfortunately I didn't see those flags and now we are getting divorced afterc15 years. Boundaries, self worth.....think think

Only4You · 22/05/2022 07:09

I’d have a conversation with him and tell him that you REALLY want to go slowly.
Yes you know he is really keen and that’s lovely. You are really interested in him too but have been burnt too many times to feel comfortable with a relationship that’s moving too quickly.

Then put boundaries in.
AT THE MOMENT, you only want to meet up at weekend. If you say a time, then you all stick to it etc…
See what would work best for you just now. But make it clear those boundaries very clear and make sure he understands that they are non negotiable.

And see how he reacts. Either he respects your boundaries and he is just overly keen. Or the doesn’t respect them and you know you need to get rid of