How to nicely clam down new partners keenness?

[Lifegoalsneeded]

Me f 41 and him m 44, been dating slowly for past 2 months. Last weekend I stayed over at his and we slept together. He kind of pounced on me as walked in saying how he fancied me. The night was full of chemistry.

Was lovely and really enjoyed his company and loved waking up next to him. However since then he has been really keen. In the morning he woke me up by kissing my neck and he wanted to go again. I wasn’t in the mood so we snuggled. Bit annoyed I got woken early by his kissing.

Since last weekend He keeps sending messages about how great last weekend was how much he missed me. He misses me and wants to wake up next me again. We couldn’t meet up during the week with existing plans, so he has been sending me messages like 4 more sleeps till I see you etc.

There are a few hobbies that he likes and I know I certainly won’t enjoy so told him to go with his friends. He replied it’s ok I can live without, we will do stuff with friends on occasional weekends! I replied and said my friend time is important to me. I do think it’s important to not live in each other’s pockets.

Set a time for today for 3pm as he is staying at mine for dinner and drinks and last night he replied will be over around 10am. I replied and said no I have stuff to do come over at 3pm. Later in the text conversation he said I will be over early if you want, I replied let’s stick to 3pm as stuff to do.

He then said he missed me and knew from the first date we would click, then said we need to make a rule that we can only have a gap of 5 days without seeing each other. I replied lets go with the flow. We may see each other often or once a week depending on plans. He replied I am keen as I really like you.

There are other soppy messages and things he says that makes me think he is really keen, more than me. This is a bit off putting. I like him, but due to previous relationships and love bombings I want to take things slowly. We also live 30 mins away and work where we live working long hours.

I also self sabotage when overwhelmed with keen guys.we had a chat about dating apps and both admitted we haven’t been using them much since we started dating, so deleted them. He admitted he struggled to meet people on apps, as I have met lots of people, but he is the only one I have been interested in a while to see what develops. I do like him but he is really keen, like desperately keen. My cynical side is saying it’s new to him so he will call down.

Tips on how to nicely calm down his keenness?

Or he simply liked you enough to respect your decision. And respected himself enough not to chase you when you'd made it clear you didn't want him.

Some men really can't win can they?

Just be brutally honest although it does seem as if he’s got the message so fingers crossed.

@Rosewaterblossom I think you missed the point. I like him but yes was too keen. I just asked him to calm it down. If I broke up with him I would not want it be impressed if he still chased me. That’s game playing wanting to be chased.

Update - I think he is just giddy. Has sent lots of gushy messages last night remembering the good points as we slept together again. Keeps saying he can’t believe I am going out with him.

but lots of just random conversation too. I did make a joke about his gushiness, which he took well. He just said he liked me so much he couldn’t help it and he is not normally like this.

I think I have met a guy who is into me much more than I am at this point. I am a slow burner as hurt before and hope he calms down and I catch up a bit to met in the middle.

face to face he is great and have none of this. We get on well

Tell him bluntly he’s putting you off and to tone it down or he’ll probably lose you as it’s too much, too soon. Be cruel to be kind.

Wait, didn't you ask him to calm it down though?

So he hasn't respected that boundary. 🤔

Has sent lots of gushy messages last night remembering the good points as we slept together again. Keeps saying he can’t believe I am going out with him.

It doesn't sound like he's taken on board your previous conversations (like the below) after all?

I did say that his keenness was smothering and I am independent. He says he likes that about me and just got carried away.

I like him but yes was too keen. I just asked him to calm it down.

Lifegoals, since the weekend you wrote about, he has stepped over your boundary 5 times, to my count.
That's 5 times of refusing to hear your "no", no matter how nicely he dresses it up.
www.jennisspace.com/the-shark-cage-metaphor-spotting-potential-abusers/

You are holding your boundaries well, but it sounds suffocating.
I wonder if he is simply a nice man, a little needy, who is boundary pushing -
or if he is actually boundary-testing.
This is a particular worry:
He then said he missed me and knew from the first date we would click, then said we need to make a rule that we can only have a gap of 5 days without seeing each other.

He knew from the first date that "we would click".
So he took it upon himself to decide - for you! - that you would click with him.
This may seem like a small matter of semantics - but what is it about his mindset that made him choose this rather presumptive interpretation?
Why would he not have said "I knew I liked you from the first date" ?

The second part is ... Gavin de Becker scary, frankly.
"We need to make a rule"? WE?!!!
This is forced teaming.
What he meant was "I want to make a rule" but he is not owning that.
So instead, he presents it as "we".
That window dressing should not be lost on you.
He has just told you that HE wants to make a RULE that YOU have to see him at least every 5 days.

maunderingsofabaffledman.wordpress.com/tag/forced-teaming/
Forced Teaming. Forced teaming is a term I learned from The Gift of Fear. It is a particularly insidious form of qualifying, and requires an acute sense of social awareness to spot. Forced teaming refers to the use of language to create a sense of commonality and trust between predator and victim. Words such as “let’s” and “we” are prime examples of forced teaming language. So how do you tell the difference between forced teaming and someone who is just being friendly? Forced teaming is often accompanied by a refusal to accept “no” as an answer.

Any one of his boundary pushes (tests???) alone would be ... something to note, but to let go of if there was no repeat pattern of behaviour.
But 5 in a week?
Ending up with him attempting to dictate RULES?

Be wary.
Also - forget "nicely" in getting him to calm down.
You don't need to tiptoe around the feelings of a man who is so perfectly capable of ignoring your "no".
"Calm down mate, this is going too fast/getting too intense" should do it.

Do we actually need to micro analyse, it sounds like op is happy now. If he backs of completely there will be someone claiming he was using, if he stays and try's to change his behaviour someone will say he's a sly abuser😭

They've spoken about it, it's not that deep at all.

But OP isn't the one setting any rules @vasi34

How did you miss him trying to impose his 5-day rule on her?

😂😂😂

Is a woman only allowed to date a man if she agrees to see him every time he wants to?

Is she not allowed - having only known the guy for 2 months!! - to take things slowly, to run her own busy weekday life, & get to know him gradually at weekends?

She doesn't want to control him.
Quite the reverse - she wants him to back off - HE wants to control her time, when she is allowed to see her friends, & crash her 3pm timeline by 5 hours.

He does not hear her "no". THAT is the mark of a controller, & it's not OP.

No @cottagegardenflower
At this stage in a romantic relationship, YOU oviously can't bear to be apart.

OP is not you.
She manages through the week just fine without getting needy over a brand new dating relationship.

That's in your head, not @Clymene 's.

Because she, like OP, & most other PP here, are not discussing a cheating or non-committed b/f.

We're discussing whether OP's b/f is a harmless needy puppy or a boundary-crashing walking red flag.

@KettrickenSmiled thank you. You get it.

I am not controlling his time. Trying to mutually set up the next date. This week we could only see each this Thursday and Saturday as we both have plans.

He hears no. Just tried his luck. I don’t think he is controlling. I just think he is overly keen.

@cottagegardenflower

At this stage in a romantic relationship both can't bear to be apart and especially sleep together. You sound as though you just want a friend rather than a partner.

Eh?! So anyone who is introverted / needs a fair bit of time to themselves in general (shock horror even when dating someone new) only ever wants a friend not a partner?

That absolutely not the case. I'm not a 'can't bear to be apart' at any stage of a relationship as I love having my own space and yet I love my partner to bits and share a home with him.

We dated, I loved spending time with him (and shagging him) but I have always been someone who needs my own space and dating someone doesn't change that. Despite my preferences, which you seem to view as incompatible with a relationship, we fell in love and now live together.

Plenty of us don't have the 'can't bear to be apart' stage and still have happy, healthy, fun and equal relationships

So happy for you!!!!

Don't think you need to keep updating us anymore you're obviously fine with him now.

Has sent lots of gushy messages last night remembering the good points as we slept together again. Keeps saying he can’t believe I am going out with

Ick