How to nicely clam down new partners keenness?

[Lifegoalsneeded]

Me f 41 and him m 44, been dating slowly for past 2 months. Last weekend I stayed over at his and we slept together. He kind of pounced on me as walked in saying how he fancied me. The night was full of chemistry.

Was lovely and really enjoyed his company and loved waking up next to him. However since then he has been really keen. In the morning he woke me up by kissing my neck and he wanted to go again. I wasn’t in the mood so we snuggled. Bit annoyed I got woken early by his kissing.

Since last weekend He keeps sending messages about how great last weekend was how much he missed me. He misses me and wants to wake up next me again. We couldn’t meet up during the week with existing plans, so he has been sending me messages like 4 more sleeps till I see you etc.

There are a few hobbies that he likes and I know I certainly won’t enjoy so told him to go with his friends. He replied it’s ok I can live without, we will do stuff with friends on occasional weekends! I replied and said my friend time is important to me. I do think it’s important to not live in each other’s pockets.

Set a time for today for 3pm as he is staying at mine for dinner and drinks and last night he replied will be over around 10am. I replied and said no I have stuff to do come over at 3pm. Later in the text conversation he said I will be over early if you want, I replied let’s stick to 3pm as stuff to do.

He then said he missed me and knew from the first date we would click, then said we need to make a rule that we can only have a gap of 5 days without seeing each other. I replied lets go with the flow. We may see each other often or once a week depending on plans. He replied I am keen as I really like you.

There are other soppy messages and things he says that makes me think he is really keen, more than me. This is a bit off putting. I like him, but due to previous relationships and love bombings I want to take things slowly. We also live 30 mins away and work where we live working long hours.

I also self sabotage when overwhelmed with keen guys.we had a chat about dating apps and both admitted we haven’t been using them much since we started dating, so deleted them. He admitted he struggled to meet people on apps, as I have met lots of people, but he is the only one I have been interested in a while to see what develops. I do like him but he is really keen, like desperately keen. My cynical side is saying it’s new to him so he will call down.

Tips on how to nicely calm down his keenness?

I don’t see any red flags
but a different style and way of playing

clearly he liked the sex ALOT !!!

if This doesn’t work for you that’s fine

but I agree that he sounds over keen and over sexed right now !

I totally agree with littleburn above.

Sounds like you need to have a conversation about how much space you need and that you like him but are finding it really intense. It might be that you want different things and this just won't work.

Yanbu op I would've got the ick by now. It's either a red flag or too keen only you can really judge which.

He's too old to be acting so love struck though, I've had a few like this and in the end had to tell them straight. I even had a guy turn up to our first date at a middle of the road restaurant in a top hat and tails he was so keen to make an impression. I almost died of cringe and ran off before he even saw me thank god. But if I was going with my gut from your first op I would say love bomber.

Apart from red flags, this is really unattractve behaviour.

He's acting like a love sick teenager on the one hand, and trying to control you on the other.

Telling you you don't need to see you're friends as often, telling you he's setting a rule whereby you can't go longer than 5 days without seeing him. Telling you he's coming around at 10 when you said you weren't available until 3pm... even if his approach comes from a place of feeling besotted, he's still out of line and very pushy about it. It would totally put me off to the point I would walk, genuinely.

If he's pushy and controlling - run.
If he's in the honeymoon phase and clingy - run.

It doesn't feel like a mature meeting of equals either way.

I feel like you're a pest. You're trying to use him as your pet whenever you like , how you like. Relationships don't work with rules, nor with breadcrumbs.

@vasi34.

How the fuck is the op a pest? . He's the pest if anything. God that's a ridiculous thing to post quite frankly.
If you think it's anyway a good start to a relationship you need to give your head a wobble honestly.

@inthesameboat. Because she is trying to have him only as she pleases , whenever she likes. She wants to control him. To dictate him set times and schedules.

Ooh nasty woman, asserting her boundaries 🙄🙄🙄

Quite frankly he seems far keener on you than you do on him. In fact you sound quite uninterested in having a real relationship with him. At this stage in a romantic relationship both can't bear to be apart and especially sleep together. You sound as though you just want a friend rather than a partner.

Hello all. Thank you for your replies. I was with him all evening and night. We had a chat. He did brought up his keenness and we had a chat.

I said that it was early days and I wanted it to develop organically and have no pressure on both sides. He understood and has been normal. Said he just really likes me

let’s see what happens

Well done for asserting boundaries.

A man should enhance your life and not be your life.

Seems you live by this mantra and he doesn't, I hope he can reign it in.

But he does seem to be very puppy like.

@clymene. When woman says that it's boundaries. When a man does that it's a cheater or not committed. Which one is it?

Nope, men are also allowed boundaries.

He’s probably falling for you and the less keen you are, the more insecure he will be and the needier he will get.

Time got a proper chat. Tell him if you are feeling it or not.

Personally I don’t like the conditions he is setting eg five days and would find it smothering IF I was not into him.

But I understand why he is doing it too when he really likes you and you are pretty obviously not on the same page as him. You could reassure him without changing your routine with friends for now…?

What a soppy, needy TWAT 🤮

This is why I don’t date anymore. So pissed off with men not respecting my boundaries and being needy/clingy.

I was starting to think it was me that had a problem….

I don’t see red flags for potential abuse, he does just seem keen.
My DH was quite keen (not annoyingly so), but he definitely pushed the relationship along.
He just said when he knew, he knew!
We told each other we loved one another at 3 months, still together 12 years later.
Everyone is different.
I’d be honest with him. If you do really like him it’s worth fixing.

The same people don't necessarily say both these things though, do they? I think boundaries are important and should be respected regardless of someone's sex.

This isn't lovebombing, it's just one person likes the other more. That's literally it, but soon as you say the word 'man' people start rolling with it.
He's toned it down now, he's probably a decent bloke and exactly what the op said- just a bit too keen.

Definitely a lovebomber. It cam be hard to see when you are in the thick of it but it's terrifying that some women on here replying to you don't.

So sorry op. It's a shame when you fins someone with that great chemistry and it turns out they are fucked in the head. But there's so many red flags of love bombing here.

I wouldn't even bother trying to pair it back as normal healthy individuals do not behave like him ans you cannot fix that shit. I would just end it and I'm guessing he will not take that well (a million questions as to why/throwing a strop ect...) and then you will know fine that he is not a good egg.

You are going to get a lot of different opinions on this based on people's own experiences. If you like him and you think that the relationship has legs then it wouldn't do any harm to set your stall out so-to-speak. Otherwise, you have no obligations to him.

He has just left. I had a great time with him. He said he is really keen as he has been single a while as hadn’t met anyone he wanted to see as much as me in years. Says he dated a lot but hadn’t clicked as much as with me.

I kind of feel the same. I dated lots and never really clicked with someone. I did say that his keenness was smothering and I am independent. He says he likes that about me and just got carried away.

it’s flattering as I am normally in the other side - being keen. He said he thought he scared me off the other day and had a think about his texts etc.

in person he is just normal and it was nice yesterday. Time will tell. We have 2 more dates planned this week. So let’s hope he is normal

Well done on the clear direct chat, OP! Hope it progresses just as you wish x