To go to womens refuge tomorrow?

[sundaymondayhappydayss]

Please please please don't berate me. I'm extremely fragile, I'm just questioning my judgment massively at present.

There's a long history of sexual abuse (touching without consent, no bodily respect etc), I have previously been to refuge but returned after two days as he found me and spoke me round so to speak.

We got back together, he didn't change regarding the respect and sexual aspects. My children noticed, social services got involved after I enquired again about refuge but backed out after he found out.

He maintains I'm the problem, that he does what he does because I'm distant or have male friends.

We broke up around 3 months ago, I don't know why but I found myself desperate to have him back, I now have him back albeit not living together since I helped him to find a flat etc.

Tonight he put my puppy chihuahua into a pool of water. This may sound trivial but she had just woke up, it was dark and he decided to see if she could swim despite me firmly telling him not to do this to her. He has rearranged my bedroom despite me pleading with him to leave my bedroom alone, (this happens every time he is here, he jokingly claims my bed is his since he collected it in his work van for me) his reasoning is that he sleeps better where he puts the bed.

I am aware this is trivial, or perhaps sounds trivial but it's the underlying lack of respect of my wishes. As soon as my kids went to bed he forced my bra off of me, the whole time with 'smiles' and 'jokes' despite me saying i didn't want my bra removed.

The history of this relationship is huge but this is the basics of our recent times.

I just can't deal with it anymore. 4 weeks ago I wanted to throw myself from a bridge because I just couldn't cope with the mental torture. I feel better now but I'm really upset about what he's done to my dog, I really feel it just shows he doesn't give a fuck about my feelings.

I'm in bed next to him now vowing to go to refuge tomorrow, I know I could just end it but he will come to my
House and I'll let him back. Like I always do.

I left refuge last time in part due to the fact they were insisting I move my kids to a different school. My youngest is awaiting an assessment for autism and the school are brilliant with her so I really don't want to go down this road. But I am aware that I am doing them harm by remaining in this state of disrespect.

Should I go to refuge?

The multiple phone calls, texts , emails = harassment. Go to police, get a restraining order.
Detach from him, he is not your responsibility. If he threatens to kill himself, let him do it ( he won’t) I heard this constantly from my ex, he was going to jump off a certain bridge. I got so fed up I told him to get in the bloody car and I’d drive him there. Strangely, he didn’t want to go then.
Block him, ignore him. He is nothing to you. Practice thinking of him differently —- he is the dirt on your shoe or ash you flick off a cigarette. Sit calmly and picture this over and over. You need to diminish him.
Stick to the restraining order and move on with your life. You will have a life, not this miserable existence.

Go to a refuge would you consider moving out of the area and cutting all ties with him?

OP another thing. Pleads apply for the non mol ASAP. There's certain criteria. I didn't live with him nor were we married so the criteria was the abusive incident had to take place within the last 1-2 weeks. I applied outside of this time and it was revised.

I've spoke to them again. They only have two available, one that's 155 miles one way and another that's 140 miles the other.. a very daunting prospect.

I don't think the kids could see their dad if we went that distance

Could you discuss it with him? So hard for you all, I'm sorry OP.

Would they take you but move you closer if something came up? Not sure if that sort of thing happens.

I imagine he'd understand that the most important thing is for you to get right away? If he's a loving dad.

How far away is workable?

Did you explain this issue to whoever you spoke to?

Yeah. They asked where I'd like to be and then offered me them two. There is another that's nearer but she said that it's not ready yet. So I guess I'll call them and see how long it'll be

I said in the county of where I currently am or the neighbouring counties

You need to prioritise safeguarding your children.
I ended up with a box of some kitchen equipment and my books.
But I absolutely understood that if I stayed, my DC would grow up thinking that this was how men treated women.
This man isn't even the father of your children.

I think you’ve got to go quite far away, at least for now. You’re too weak and easy to talk around. I think it’s more important for your children to get away from this toxic environment and see you get stronger than it probably is for them to go to their normal school and even see their dad for a bit. However much good the school is doing your daughter, your awful life with this man is doing much more harm. How would they feel watching their puppy terrified and half drowned by him “proving it can swim”? This man is awful- enjoys watching you suffer, has moved onto watching your puppy suffer. Your girls are undoubtedly next.

You take the place. Safety is the most important thing for your dc.

Schools are good in that they will quickly refer if they detect anything(autism etc) but you said your children wouldn't be going to school in the meantime anyway.

You need to accept and go tomorrow.

I feel sick with anxiety over it all tonight

I think you need to let horrible feeling that fuel you.

Think how awful and sick you feel this evening and promise yourself that this will be the last time you ever have to do this.

Because it needs to be done ASAP and you need to stick to it.

Once you're away and safe in the refuge, everything else can be sorted with the support of the team there. So put all that to one side for now, as scary as it is.

The bit that only you can control and only you can do is engage with the refuge and get you and your kids there ASAP.

Yes, go OP.

Pack passports, birth certs, any health details you might need urgently. Meds, a fave toy for each child. And don't tell anyone til you've had advice from staff.

Ps, I once took a dog for a Mumsnetter about to go into a refuge. There are people out there that will help.

So todays the day. I hardly slept last night and woke feeling physically sick.

I hope to god I'm doing the right thing. I feel so guilty, my girls will be on their way to school not knowing their whole lives are about to change, all their familiarities and routines will be gone and we'll be hundreds of miles from everything we know. I feel so alone, I've told my mum but she just doesn't get it

If your mum doesn't get it, stop talking to her temporarily. You don't need anyone planting seeds of doubt in your mind at the moment because you're vulnerable and it feels easier to stay than to leave in the short term, so your brain will trick you into doing that if your mum / this man / anyone gets in your head.

Focus on the refuge entirely today. Keep talking to them (and us if it helps) and just get there. Once you're there everything else can be sorted with the refuge staff's help.

Today could be the first step towards what ends up being a happy, healthy life for you and your girls.

You cannot have that where you are now because time has made it clear that you're too vulnerable to him chipping away at you and manipulating his way back into your life when you are in your current place.

Your girls will thank you in the future and understand you did this for them when they're a little older, even if they are confused today.

all their familiarities and routines will be gone and we'll be hundreds of miles from everything we know.

But YOU know, even if they don't, that they'll also be hundreds of miles away from someone who has been sexually assaulting their mum and makes her consider ending her life.

You're the adult and you have to focus on the fact that you know long term that this step (the refuge) is vital, even if temporarily it's tough.

If you moved homes whats to stop this guy finding out the new location?
Are the kids his, would they tell him if he asked, will he have access to them once you move. Whats stopping him following you from school to find out where you live unless you move the schools.

Its very sad to read your situation, these are questions id be wanting answers too before you uproot yourself and the children, you need reassurance he wont be able to carry on doing what hes doing.

They aren't his kids and OP has tried to break ties with him many, many times while his abuse has continued to escalate.

He's manipulated her into allowing him to return multiple times so she is very vulnerable to this.

She needs a circuit breaker, a relocation, in order to stop him getting to manipulate her again.

They have zero ties (no shared kids, shared assets etc) other than him knowing where she lives.

So that's the thing that needs to change. She can have a clean break and that's in the best interest of her kids.

Uprooting them is of course a last resort but she's reached the stage where the last resort is necessary as she has been unable repeatedly to stay put but not allow him back, then he's continued abusing her sexually among other things.

Uprooting is preferable to the girls living with a sex offender and that's what he is.

I picked my kids up from a party, stopped on the way home to get some nice snacks, and said "Guess what, we're moving today!"
They were fine.

Remember what I posted upthread about if they see Mummy being positive and happy (and relaxing with every mile between him and her), they will mirror those feelings.

Hope you're ok OP. Sending you strength. You can do this.

How did today go @sundaymondayhappydayss? Hope you're ok?

Thinking of you @sundaymondayhappydayss

Hit every wall possible. No sooner would one come available it would be gone by the time each refuge got back to me. Spoke to a lovely lady from one of them who validated all I told her about what he does etc really made think about how I'm not just missing a joke and that it's not a joke, it's abuse. I can't help but question myself sometimes. She also gave me some advice about other options. They don't have a space until next week. Womens aid have been almost impossible to get hold of with long wait times etc it's sad to think there's so many women needing help all at the same time.

Back on the phone tomorrow to try again.