To go to womens refuge tomorrow?

[sundaymondayhappydayss]

Please please please don't berate me. I'm extremely fragile, I'm just questioning my judgment massively at present.

There's a long history of sexual abuse (touching without consent, no bodily respect etc), I have previously been to refuge but returned after two days as he found me and spoke me round so to speak.

We got back together, he didn't change regarding the respect and sexual aspects. My children noticed, social services got involved after I enquired again about refuge but backed out after he found out.

He maintains I'm the problem, that he does what he does because I'm distant or have male friends.

We broke up around 3 months ago, I don't know why but I found myself desperate to have him back, I now have him back albeit not living together since I helped him to find a flat etc.

Tonight he put my puppy chihuahua into a pool of water. This may sound trivial but she had just woke up, it was dark and he decided to see if she could swim despite me firmly telling him not to do this to her. He has rearranged my bedroom despite me pleading with him to leave my bedroom alone, (this happens every time he is here, he jokingly claims my bed is his since he collected it in his work van for me) his reasoning is that he sleeps better where he puts the bed.

I am aware this is trivial, or perhaps sounds trivial but it's the underlying lack of respect of my wishes. As soon as my kids went to bed he forced my bra off of me, the whole time with 'smiles' and 'jokes' despite me saying i didn't want my bra removed.

The history of this relationship is huge but this is the basics of our recent times.

I just can't deal with it anymore. 4 weeks ago I wanted to throw myself from a bridge because I just couldn't cope with the mental torture. I feel better now but I'm really upset about what he's done to my dog, I really feel it just shows he doesn't give a fuck about my feelings.

I'm in bed next to him now vowing to go to refuge tomorrow, I know I could just end it but he will come to my
House and I'll let him back. Like I always do.

I left refuge last time in part due to the fact they were insisting I move my kids to a different school. My youngest is awaiting an assessment for autism and the school are brilliant with her so I really don't want to go down this road. But I am aware that I am doing them harm by remaining in this state of disrespect.

Should I go to refuge?

Just checking in OP, I haven’t read all of your updates but your latest update suggests that you are going to go to a women’s refuge. I’m pleased to hear this and please keep us updated on your progress. Wishing you the best of luck. You can do this. 💐

Thankyou. I'll need it. I've begun sorting things. My girls will miss the last 5 weeks of term, but it's 5 weeks in exchange for a childhood of happiness and normality.

I've decided I'm going to leave and have no contact with anyone at all for a few weeks, my mum is amazing and so hands on with my kids but she's not always the best word of advice. I've started writing letters to her, my kids dad etc I just hope they understand my need for distance for a short while. I don't want to be persuaded to go back.

I'm in tears tonight over it, writing the letters makes it so real. But I really think me and my girls will come out shining at the end of it. And that they will understand my reasoning for the disruption when they get older.

I plan to insist they remain at their school, if I remember correctly the last time I insisted the refuge staff said they would have to inform social services as it presents as a safe guarding issue but I am willing to get the injunction etc to keep them safe.

I really really hope that in 6 months time I come back here telling you all how amazing my life is.

I may start a new thread once I've left for support. I'll have no one at all to talk to, the wise words of some of the women on here I hope will help us transition to our new life.

Thankyou @runnerblade95

@sundaymondayhappydayss I haven't posted before because I don't have direct experience of what you're you're going through (and I feel advice is best left to those who do understand, and can offer practical advice) but I do hope it's OK to cheer you on from the sidelines. You can do this! As other pp have said, when you feel wobbly come back here, and wiser pp than me will be here to hold your hand.

I’m so pleased for you OP.

Another person cheering you on from the sidelines. Have sone ☕️🎂

I hope you actually remove it from your life this time. Scum like it needs removed from the planet, it should be, at least, rotting in jail.

Social services should be involved, someone needs to put these traumatised kids first, the horror of their lives will impact them for decades. I speak from experience, and I am furious about no one keeping me safe as a kid. Adults get to be scared/analyse on their own time, kids in these brutal houses have no say and cannot save themselves. This thread is one of the most horrific things I have ever read.

They've not been traumatised. They've never been directly abused by him. Infact, they think he's brilliant because I've worked so hard to shield them. I'm not saying they've not been affected but the abuse had always been on me, not them.

And also, I am putting them first!? They're the reason I'm breathing. They're the reason I'm packing up their things to start a new life.

Kids are way, way more perceptive than you think. It's people like me who have to pick up the pieces when they start self harming as teenagers and the bloody parents only wrong their hands wondering how it happened. You doing whatever you can to protect their image of him to them as likely done them a LOT of damage in terms of teaching them to trust their guts about bad men. So well done.

The only thing you can do is to get and stay away from him and if you can't be bothered to do that you are 100% to blame for the crappy adult relationships and potential abuse they will grow up to experience. You absolutely can do this, I have total faith in you but don't minimise the affect this will have had on them when literally all the evidence suggests otherwise.

Yes, sadly they will know at the very least that their Mummy (ie half of them) has been treated very very badly.
But you are doing the right thing for them.

If social services meant that keeping ur kids at their school would lead to him finding you then they were right, it was a safeguarding issue. It's more important that he doesn't find you than that they continue at that school, isn't it?

@Natty13 I've no doubt they know something is wrong. I don't doubt that I've left it longer than I should have to fix this.. but I've also been made to think I'm at fault. I know I'm not, but at times he makes me feel that way. I'm not out of the woods but I'm gaining strength. I will make it up to my daughters. I will show them strength.

That bit of anger you have for the posters , multiply that , then run that list of things he has done to you and your children ( because everything he has done will have already affected them) through your head over and over again and get really angry that you have allowed this , learn from your mistake and get him out of your lives . For ever . You deserve so much more but you have got to be prepared to be strong and don’t believe one word that comes out of his mouth . Once a liar always a liar .

Hand on heart, I believe in you. You CAN do this. Prove to your little girls that you WILL. You don't owe anything to any of us here but we are here for you if you need us. Sometimes the truth is really harsh but you need to hear it.

You haven't been putting them first OP.

I have to be honest, if I knew of this situation irl I would be reporting to SS myself

You haven't safeguarded your children.

I understand trauma bond. I've been there. However you still are making a decision to stay and putting him before your dc.

I hope you find the strength to ring them tomorrow. I'm rooting for you!

Let us know how it goes but also remember that you need to actively make the choice to keep the distance.

That’s really unfortunate you think they’re ok because the scum has not directly abused them (yet) (in front of you), you need to be fully aware of the symptoms and impacts of childhood abuse, ACE, CSA. A sex offender has access to your kids and you’ve said they have already been exposed to sexual abuse by this male, via you. If you don’t yet know about how an abused parent and sex offender in the house impacts kids, please learn about it.

the sex offender would be in jail, or be banned from accessing kids already, if the kids were being prioritised. I was made to be a victim of my mothers choice in males as a kid, this thread is so far beyond red flags, I don’t know how to express strongly enough to you, to get this sex offender away from your kids, or get your kids somewhere safe. ‘It’s hard tho’ is for your own time, I stand with childhood sexual abuse victims.

I was made to be a victim of my mothers choice in males as a kid

Sorry to hear this.

You're all absolutely right. How do I tell my girls what's happening? My youngest will take it in her stride but my 8 year old will fall to pieces when I tell her we aren't going home

From my own experience:

You start believing that it's at least possible that she won't fall apart.

You remind yourself of all the reasons you are doing this. You feel confident in your beliefs that undoubtably the best thing for them is to get them away from him and that there is only one way to do that.

You practise calm and positivity.

You present it to them as "We're moving, how exciting! This time it's for good. No Daddy (if they call him that?) won't be visiting or trying to persuade us back. This is best for all of us. I love you and I want you to be happy. Now who wants an ice cream (or other appropriate little treat - so it's got positive associations.)?"

If they see Mummy confident, calm and happy, they will mirror those feelings and attitudes.

Specific for your situation - if school is the main reason for her to be upset -

Talk about the lovely school that is waiting for her. Full of girls who will want to be her friend. She'll get new uniform. Mummy will be able to come to/do X and Y with her which might have been difficult with him around.

Answer questions without lying or promising things which you have no control over. Give her reasons to dream.

Just reread OP and realised about the autism assessment. In that case just keep things v simple in your explanations for her. You could do with specialist advice from someone with autism experience as to how to handle it with her.

But I suspect the taking her lead from how you are, will still apply.

Thanks @JanglyBeads that's really helpful. Making it sound exciting might help. She's a worrier by nature and easily upset but as I mentioned before she's aware of all that's happened, so she will understand why I've had to make this choice.

I contacted WA through their chat, she just gave me my local service number, they're not even open today.

Last time I contacted them for help they did a refuge search and their contact numbers. Maybe their policies have changed

I would foster your dog if you need someone. I have a lot of experience and a suitable home with a friendly dog. If you need help dm me. Good luck.xxxxx

Trying ringing central WA then, even if you're on hold for ages. Or the police 101 maybe?