To go to womens refuge tomorrow?

[sundaymondayhappydayss]

Please please please don't berate me. I'm extremely fragile, I'm just questioning my judgment massively at present.

There's a long history of sexual abuse (touching without consent, no bodily respect etc), I have previously been to refuge but returned after two days as he found me and spoke me round so to speak.

We got back together, he didn't change regarding the respect and sexual aspects. My children noticed, social services got involved after I enquired again about refuge but backed out after he found out.

He maintains I'm the problem, that he does what he does because I'm distant or have male friends.

We broke up around 3 months ago, I don't know why but I found myself desperate to have him back, I now have him back albeit not living together since I helped him to find a flat etc.

Tonight he put my puppy chihuahua into a pool of water. This may sound trivial but she had just woke up, it was dark and he decided to see if she could swim despite me firmly telling him not to do this to her. He has rearranged my bedroom despite me pleading with him to leave my bedroom alone, (this happens every time he is here, he jokingly claims my bed is his since he collected it in his work van for me) his reasoning is that he sleeps better where he puts the bed.

I am aware this is trivial, or perhaps sounds trivial but it's the underlying lack of respect of my wishes. As soon as my kids went to bed he forced my bra off of me, the whole time with 'smiles' and 'jokes' despite me saying i didn't want my bra removed.

The history of this relationship is huge but this is the basics of our recent times.

I just can't deal with it anymore. 4 weeks ago I wanted to throw myself from a bridge because I just couldn't cope with the mental torture. I feel better now but I'm really upset about what he's done to my dog, I really feel it just shows he doesn't give a fuck about my feelings.

I'm in bed next to him now vowing to go to refuge tomorrow, I know I could just end it but he will come to my
House and I'll let him back. Like I always do.

I left refuge last time in part due to the fact they were insisting I move my kids to a different school. My youngest is awaiting an assessment for autism and the school are brilliant with her so I really don't want to go down this road. But I am aware that I am doing them harm by remaining in this state of disrespect.

Should I go to refuge?

Found an organisation that would foster my dogs but apparently I have to agree to have them spayed as it's a condition of theirs. So I'm looking for other options.

Why wouldn't you agree to that?

Why don't you want them spayed? Especially if it's a necessary condition if you moving forwards in your life? Please don't consciously or subconsciously use the dogs to talk yourself out of going to a refuge OP. Your children have to come first

Why don’t you want your dogs spayed op? The last thing you need is puppies. It’s unfair on the foster carers to be expected to deal with seasons, male dog attention and ensure they or the dog walker don’t get savaged or the dogs pregnant. I imagine they see it as irresponsible of them to take an unspayed bitch.

I haven’t read all this, but just wanted to say I am in a refuge and it’s hard but what I needed. Mine also have allowed a family to have their small dogs, it’s kinda nice to see them now and again!

Get away from him for good, no man that makes you unhappy is worth wasting your years on!

The OP probably means that the dogs have to be already spayed in order to go to the foster home.

Keep ringing, it'll happen.

I doubt it - they do it while they’re at the foster, if they’re not already done.

Hi op - why don’t you get an injunction out against him or a restraining order - instead of moving out - report him to the police - change the locks on your door - or do you feel it’s better to get away and he will use coercion to wear you down. I think you are trauma bonded to him - have you looked it up?
Have you reported his crimes to the police? This will help re injunction.
keep posting -

Whilst you are doing this - you are not allowing him into your home are you?

They've found me somewhere. Currently packing to leave. I can't put into words how sick I feel at the unknown and how hard this is going to be. My poor girls, I can't stop crying at what they're gona have to go through

It’s a massive change but it’s your ladder out of this. Get the crying out and then try to talk yourself into the positive mindset you need to project to them. Moving day will be the most unsettling day, then every day takes you closer to your new life. 💐

They’ll come out of this stronger than they would if you stayed with him. Summon up all your courage. This is your first step towards a better, safer future for you all.

I'm in bed next to him now vowing to go to refuge tomorrow, I know I could just end it but he will come to my House and I'll let him back. Like I always do.
Why do you need a refuge when you have a house?
Is it your house - your name on tenancy or deeds?
Is HIS name on tenancy or deeds?

Should I go to refuge?
It depends on whose house it it, & whether you are prepared to get a non-mol order against him, preventing him from entering your home.

If you are unable to prevent him entering, &/or unwilling to get a non-mol, then YES YOU SHOULD GO TO THE REFUGE.
Unless you want SS to remove your children from you, before he acts out drowning them instead of your puppy next time?

Apologies OP I managed to miss the fact that your thread is already 8 pages in.
Will catch up now.

I mean what do I even say to womens aid? "He took my bra off and put my 1lb dog into an 8000l paddling pool despite me pleading with him not to". That on its own sounds petty. But there's tonnes more to it.

Sunday - you are the only person on this thread who thinks that behaviour is "petty". This sociopathic bastard has ground you so small over the years that you no longer even realise how totally abnormal & terrifying he is.

It sounds as if you are at last off to a safe refuge.
Let me assure you - when you are settled in there, the staff (or a WA rep, when you can track one down) will NOT think what your ex did was petty.
You are in serious need of post-separation therapy, to help you come to terms with how you have been manipulated & controlled.

If you are relocating miles away, you may never need to deal with ex again.
He's not the DC's dad, is he?
I am so sorry that this is right at the point where your child was just getting proper support at school. But this is better than this endless cycle of abuse from this awful man.
Every time you let him back into you life - he escalated his abuse. He did that because he was boundary-testing how much you will let him get away with. Hence his sick performance with your little dog. He was testing you. Now he knows he can get away with endangering your puppy, what will he do next? Harm your children? Kill your dog?
This is not hysteria OP.
This man has been allowed to get off a forthcoming charge of Coercive Control. He thinks he's cock of the walk, he thinks he can get away with very, very serious crimes.
Never let him into your life again.
Is he blocked on all comms now?

Save your tears for what YOU went through.

Your girls are not going to be "going through" anything except an 'exciting adventure in a new house for a while!' - they are going to be free of a malignant presence in lives which made mummy scared & miserable.

He's not blocked because if I do that he will turn up here, manipulate me into being the bad guy and then begin another honeymoon period before he begins again. Thankfully he's away with work until tomorrow.

A little update, the staff at the refuge called, said that my place will be ready on Friday and advised me on what to take etc. So I at least have 2 more days to sort my dogs out, see my family and think carefully on what to take. And then I have to tell the kids dad which I hope doesn't go terribly, but I can only imagine he will be angry that the girls are going to be living well over 100 miles away. I would be.

Save your tears for what YOU went through. Your girls are not going to be "going through" anything except an 'exciting adventure in a new house for a while!' - they are going to be free of a malignant presence in lives which made mummy scared & miserable.

Absolutely this.

PLEASE try to frame this as an adventure / a trip etc for now and don't show your girls that you're upset about it.

They'll mirror your behaviour and reflect the emotions you project onto the situation so it's vital you don't cry about this in front of them for now at least.

When you get to the refuge there will be staff and other women you can vent to and cry with.

Try with all your might to hold it together in front of your girls. I know that's easy to say but it will make the coming weeks easier as the happier they are, the less likely you'll be to cave and leave the refuge before it's time to which will inevitably lead to him manipulating his way back in

Hopefully your girl’s dad will just be relieved they’re not going to be around your bloke anymore. You can arrange for them to spend longer in holidays etc to give him more time with them, or something. Never mind for now. Getting everyone safe is most important. Where are the dogs going?

@Honeyroar dogs trust fostering unless I have some sort of epiphany where I remember someone suitable.

I absolutely get what's been said about framing it as a bit of a holiday but it will not work with my 8 year old. I will have to be honest with her but keep it age appropriate because as soon as i say we are going to stay somewhere else for a bit, she'll instantly ask if it's because of him. I don't want to sound cringe but she's incredibly intune with me.

Trying to work out wether to tell them Thursday night or Friday morning. They normally go their dads on a Friday so I don't know if it's best to do it sooner rather than later

And also when to tell their dad

Will their dad not be able to take them for a period?

I absolutely get what's been said about framing it as a bit of a holiday but it will not work with my 8 year old. I will have to be honest with her but keep it age appropriate because as soon as i say we are going to stay somewhere else for a bit, she'll instantly ask if it's because of him.

The two concepts are not mutually exclusive.

YOU - "we're having an adventure - a holiday in a new place!"
Smart DD - "is it because of him, mummy?"
YOU - "It is, a bit. Sometimes he was mean, so I am not going to be friends with him anymore. But we are still going to have our adventure!"

This is perfect.

That's not an option. The girls wouldn't want that anyway.