To go to womens refuge tomorrow?

[sundaymondayhappydayss]

Please please please don't berate me. I'm extremely fragile, I'm just questioning my judgment massively at present.

There's a long history of sexual abuse (touching without consent, no bodily respect etc), I have previously been to refuge but returned after two days as he found me and spoke me round so to speak.

We got back together, he didn't change regarding the respect and sexual aspects. My children noticed, social services got involved after I enquired again about refuge but backed out after he found out.

He maintains I'm the problem, that he does what he does because I'm distant or have male friends.

We broke up around 3 months ago, I don't know why but I found myself desperate to have him back, I now have him back albeit not living together since I helped him to find a flat etc.

Tonight he put my puppy chihuahua into a pool of water. This may sound trivial but she had just woke up, it was dark and he decided to see if she could swim despite me firmly telling him not to do this to her. He has rearranged my bedroom despite me pleading with him to leave my bedroom alone, (this happens every time he is here, he jokingly claims my bed is his since he collected it in his work van for me) his reasoning is that he sleeps better where he puts the bed.

I am aware this is trivial, or perhaps sounds trivial but it's the underlying lack of respect of my wishes. As soon as my kids went to bed he forced my bra off of me, the whole time with 'smiles' and 'jokes' despite me saying i didn't want my bra removed.

The history of this relationship is huge but this is the basics of our recent times.

I just can't deal with it anymore. 4 weeks ago I wanted to throw myself from a bridge because I just couldn't cope with the mental torture. I feel better now but I'm really upset about what he's done to my dog, I really feel it just shows he doesn't give a fuck about my feelings.

I'm in bed next to him now vowing to go to refuge tomorrow, I know I could just end it but he will come to my
House and I'll let him back. Like I always do.

I left refuge last time in part due to the fact they were insisting I move my kids to a different school. My youngest is awaiting an assessment for autism and the school are brilliant with her so I really don't want to go down this road. But I am aware that I am doing them harm by remaining in this state of disrespect.

Should I go to refuge?

It enrages me that in 2022 women still have to flee their homes because of these men. Our homes ! There should be enough in place to keep these scumbags from hounding and abusing us . Kids being rushed out to refuges and living halfway across country because men can't behave themselves and the law wont police them. Makes me so so angry. Sorry just needed to rant.

This is the ops home. She doesn't want to do anything to stop him from coming there - no restraining order or police. She wants to uproot her children from their home instead.

@sundaymondayhappydayss lots of us have been in your position.

The problem here is that you are hoping that someone else makes him go away with not input from you. That’s not going to happen.

You can be supported. But you have to keep alerting them. If you go to a refuge and he contacts you threatening to kill himself. You need to call the police for a welfare check and a breech of a restraining order. You have to get the ball rolling on the retraining order. If he turns up at the house, you have to call the police immediately.

You need to actively protect your children.

I know you wish he would just disappear or someone turns up and makes him disappear. But that’s not going to happen. Waiting for it is destroying you and your children.

I know this. Just talking generally. Brought stuff back I guess

This is the ops home. She doesn't want to do anything to stop him from coming there - no restraining order or police. She wants to

@Mally100 I don't believe I've said once that I want to uproot my children from their home, in fact I have explicitly stated that I do NOT want that. However, I do want to put an end to this situation and so I am considering my options and figuring out the best way in which I can do so. If that means I feel the support of a refuge will help us to finally be free then I will do that. Please don't make such a bold and presumptive statement when you have such a basic snapshot of my life on which to base your opinion.

Yes I have made this thread for support and opinions but none of this was ever my choice

Anyway, I haven't heard from him since he left yesterday morning. No doubt he is deep in thought about how I reacted to everything on Thursday evening and is sat feeling wronged and like I've acted unreasonably. Sometimes I wonder if he realises what he's doing.

You're right. I've never dealt with anything like a restraining order or any of the other things pp have mentioned.

How do I go about it?

Just to clarify, going to a refuge would be what I least want to do. I've done it before, it's draining, frightening and overwhelming. But I remember the level of support I received in my short time there, the support my girls were offered. How safe and secure I felt despite it not being the luxury of home. I have always said, them 3 days there were lovely and I can only rationalise that by how freeing and safe it felt when I've been lacking that for such a long time.

But perhaps that feeling would come at home? I'm permanently anxious in this house. Anyone that's been In this situation, does home become nicer in time once he's gone for good? Or do the feelings remain?

The big disadvantage with staying in your home is that he'll know where you are and you'll know that he knows.

If you go to refuge and NEVER contact him, he won't know. Imagine that.

Precisely.

I honestly think your need the help and support at the refuge. They can help you get the restraining order, you can looking at refilling charges against him.

It's clear you can't do this alone and he will come back to your house time and time again because he knows it works.

Speak to your local women’s aid outreach service, or similar. If you look on your council website, there should be contact details for DV support agencies. Those agencies will know the procedure and be able to recommend a suitable local solicitor.

Refuge is tough, you’re right, but it’s also your golden ticket out of all this. You’re sounding more resolute. I think you can do this.

As for that wonderful relaxed feeling, speaking for myself, I didn’t get that feeling until I was at an address he didn’t know. He was just relentless. The peaceful sensation of knowing that he didn’t know where I was, was amazing. It still makes me smile thinking about it. I rented a rundown house and was standing in it looking at all the flat pack furniture I had to put together and these huge pots of magnolia paint the landlord had left for me to paint it myself, but I didn’t care about any of it. Great feeling.

injunction advice

op look at this link. It’s for the Gov Website.

I do think you need to report him to the police and move. Wether that’s via a refuge or not.

change your phone. Block him in everything he has every contacted you on. If he finds away, report him again and don’t engage.

you do need support. But that support won’t extend to 24 hour in home support if you ever return. Even if you never go back to your current home, at some point you won’t be in a refuge anymore. get support and then use that to prepare for living alone with your kids.

Did you call womens aid?

@sundaymondayhappydayss The feeling of being safe and not feeling scared in your own home is worth it a thousand times over. When I went into refuge I then had to leave after the weekend as my landlord wouldn't allow me to terminate my contract without someone taking over my lease and as I was working I couldn't get help to pay my rent on my house and also refuge so had no choice but to go home but I was a nervous wreck and within 2 days of being home he was outside my door again. Luckily I had a friend staying who chased him away whilst I called the police but that led to me going back into refuge and I was able to end my rental contract early due to some help from Refuge pointing out to my landlord it was unsafe for me to stay there and there was 'frustration' of contract due to a 3rd party - my ex.

You will be given lots of support in refuge and they usually have playworkers for the children and you can access counselling and other support services. Nothing is better than that feeling of being safe and free and no longer looking over your shoulder or worrying he'll turn up at your door. My ex used to put my windows thru and I used to jump at every noise. I love where I live now and feel safe and my girls are much happier with a happy mum. I hope you find the strength to get away and create a safer happier future for you and your girls. You deserve it.

Thankyou

Please, go to the refuge while he's not in contact with you. Do it now.
It took me a month to leave since I'd contacted women's aid and I don't regret leaving.

• If you rent and are thinking of returning home when you're emotionally stronger, your rent will be paid for while you're away.
• When you leave, create a new email account and get a new sim/number. Uninstall ALL apps he could contact you on. Block him on everything you can think of. DO NOT contact him yourself - concentrate on healing.
• Don't overthink anything, do it step by step. Take all the essentials and documents and go. I went to a different county and it allowed me to feel free. My toddler became so much happier! We're now moving into our new flat, I made new friends and receive so much support from everyone. My advice – go to a city where you can receive more support for your children. Make first step now and call the women's aid. Make a decision and don't doubt it. Just do it, if not for you then for your girls. Their life will be a disaster if you keep living your current life. I couldn't be happier now and I'm so glad I was able to change my life. Good luck!

Thankyou @SoloJazz that's really helpful. I've been making a mental list of what to try to sort out before going. New SIM card is first on the list. Absolutely gutted about my dogs but I have to ensure a better future for my kids. I know if I stay here I'll remain trapped.

Last time I went to refuge my landlord said they could rehouse me but it would be a case of waiting for a house to come up. I don't think waiting is an option. I guess I could ask for this when I'm in the refuge.

I feel desperately sad that it's come to this. I hope my oldest isn't damaged by it. I'm scared of the backlash from their dad, who helped me get out last time. I'm scared social services will get involved. I'm scared to isolate myself from my family. I'm scared that my mental health will plummet, that I'll doubt myself and start blaming myself again. He's always made me feel like I've over reacted or lied, so now when I get these feelings to run away as such, i feel silly. I guess it's a case of it's got to get worse before it gets better. I just hope my daughters don't hate me for doing it when they're older. I feel sick.

And then I don't know wether to stay close so that I still have family support or to go far so that I'm creating as much distance as possible

I'm sure the DC Dad will be relieved if you break it off for good.

Have you rung the refuge or DV service OP?

You can decide that when you have the distance. The main thing is ensuring you have the distance.

Call womens aid. Start the process. The kids dad may be pissed off, because his kids keep being put in this position. Does he know you are in contact with him again? If so he could at some point decide to try and take the kids. If he gets annoyed that’s likely to be short lived, as he will be happy his kids are away that man.

I'm going to call tomorrow with a view to leave on Monday. I can then pack while the girls are at school. Also need to find a foster for the dogs. I want to take enough that I don't have to go back to the house until it needs packing up.

Whichever route you go OP please do one thing for me, every time you feel yourself weaken, anytime he manages to contact you or get a message to you, anytime you just feel sad and scared please come back here and let us give you strength. It's what this board is best at and the posters here will bolster you when you need it most. I know you haven't had the easiest ride on here so far but you will get pretty much universal support to stay away from him once you make the break because it's as clear as day to everyone here its the best thing for you and your DC