I'm trying to summarise as much as possible.
I made friends with a small group in secondary school, age. 11. We are now all 29/30. To be perfectly honest, there have been ongoing issues with the group appearing to be toxic, snobby, judgemental and at times, behaving in quite a clique and bullying manner. For some time I have thought the group have used me to "look down on," and I have noticed my friendships outside of this particular group seem to be less stressful.
The group members basically consist of me, Lauren, ( de facto leader), Lucy, Lisa, Daniel, ( single gay guy), and Jake.
Lauren has made it very, very clear she hates both my partner and Jake's girlfriend. She has a particular hatred for my partner, but has also said that as she doesn't like Jake's girlfriend, she won't allow either my partner or Jake's girlfriend to come on group holidays. She also wouldn't allow Jake to bring his ( long-term), girlfriend to her 30th a couple of weeks ago.
Lauren and I were previously very, very close, but stuff came to a head cos of how much she disliked my partner and her essentially saying it was her or him. I experienced an early pregnancy loss over a year ago, ( am now 22 weeks pregnant), and found out that Lauren had "accidentally," shared that with others, despite me wanting to keep it private. I messaged Lauren and asked her not to do this again, and she responded by blocking me on whatsapp, facebook and Instagram, ( this was five months ago).
The other's said they would continue to stay friends separately with me, but it was evident that, ( despite them saying they wanted the group to get back together), Lauren would always come first.
Lucy and Lisa had told Lauren I was pregnant when I was around 12 weeks ish, but Lauren never unblocked me to say congratulations etc.
I am pretty close with Jake, but Daniel, ( although he texted me to say he wanted to stay friends with both me and Lauren), got pretty funny with my when Lauren stopped talking to me.
Two weeks ago, my mum died suddenly and unexpectedly, ( there was no long illness, was hospitalised due to a very, very bad reaction to pneumonia as she is clinically vulnerable and died 10 days later).
Lisa, Lucy and Jake immediately messaged to offer condolences etc. They told Lauren, but she never unblocked me to say sorry for your loss etc, despite knowing my mum since we were 11.
Daniel also never messaged to say sorry about my mum, which I did think was strange as he'd spent a lot of time visiting me at my parents house, my mum was very fond of him and chatted to him regularly as an adult and he'd obviously known my mum a long time. But, I had other things in my mind, so didn't really think too much of it.
A week after the death, Lisa said she'd like to meet me to be supportive, ( Lisa lives in my hometown, I was there with my partner to assist my dad after my mum's death).
She said she and Daniel would like to meet me to offer support, and so we agreed that my partner, Lisa and Daniel would go for a walk in the park together. Daniel was behaving quite oddly when I saw him, didn't hug me, didn't directly say condolences etc. He mentioned that he was going to the dentist later that day, and so my partner, ( who immigrated to the U.K three years ago, and does not have English as a first language, which Daniel is very aware of), said, " oh what is wrong with your teeth then ?" (obviously, a native English speaker would probably say "why are you going to the dentist?" but there was no malice meant).
Shortly after, a mutual friend of ours called my partner, ( I had asked him to call a list of people and explain my mother's death. My partner took the call and was explaining what happenned, which seemed to really irritate Daniel, who kept rolling his eyes and muttering "well this is awkward your on the phone," loudly. Shortly after, Daniel left to go to the dentists.
A couple of days later, my 30th birthday happened. Obviously, the original plans had been cancelled, as this was two days before my mother's funeral. However, Lisa, Jake and his girlfriend said they'd like to meet to have sme subdued birthday drinks in the pub, ( obviously soft drinks for me, as I am 22 weeks pregnant).
Daniel texted that day to wish me a happy birthday, and I said about going to celebrate at the pub later. He said he'd love to come, and would meet us there at 7.00. He also texted Lisa to say he would look forward to meeting us there.
We got there, and Daniel didn't show up, reply to texts to answer where he was or answer his phone.
The next day Daniel never texted to apologise for standing us up, and when I texted to ask what happenned, he got very angry with me, (he was aware it was the day before my mum's funeral).
He replied "I'm not sorry I didn't attend the meeting for your birthday as I cannot stand to be around your partner. I do not like him and never will. I cannot stand to be around him. His behaviour was not normal, he was talking on the phone when we were in the park, he was rude when he said "what's wrong with your teeth", and he placed these very unsympathetic pats on your back when trying to comfort you. I find it surprising your upset I didn't show up. In the past we only met sporadically, and that speaks volumes for our friendship, in that it's not the same close bond I share with Lauren, Lucy and Lisa for example. I'm sorry, but if you carry on in this manner you'll leave me deciding to cease all contact in future."
I was shocked at this, as someone who's always had low confidence , it's never nice to hear you are valued less than any girl in the group, (especially the day before your mother's funeral). Also, it is clear the "what's wrong with your teeth" was just my partner asking in broken English why he was going to the dentist, and my partner was only taking a call whilst we were at the park to let a mutual friend know of my mum's death. Also, that I have lived across the U.K for work purposes, ( London, Scotland etc), and have always welcomed Daniel to stay individually, cooked for him , allowed him to stay for weekends etc.
I replied, " Daniel, there's nothing wrong with your teeth, he was asking why you were going to the dentist, that's normal human interaction. However, there must be something very, very wrong with your brain to think it's normal to be so cruel and spiteful to me the day before my mum's funeral."
I also pointed out that despite not feeling as "close a bond," he was happy to come and stay in my house for weekends away.
He replied saying:
- As far as he was concerned, coming to stay with me in my house in Scotland was exciting cos he had never seen Scotland before, seeing me was an added bonus.
- The fact I hadn't given him a 30th birthday gift had left an impression for "quite some time" ( I had spent over £200.00 attending his 30th birthday weekend away, I have bills and a mortgage to pay, Daniel has always lived rent free with his parents).
- That in saying "there must be something wrong with his brain," to treat me this way, I had shown what an unempathetic, nasty person I was. He took this as a slight against him as he has depression, and that was unforgiveable and had hurt him deeply.
- He was hurt so deeply he thought I should never contact him again.
He then immediately blocked me on Whatsapp, instagram, facebook and took himself out of every group chat on whatsapp or facebook we'd ever been part of.
I then had Lisa and Lucy phoning me , to say that Daniel was calling them in floods of tears to say he was deeply hurt so much that I'd "made fun of his mental health," and I should "reflect and apologise," for what I said. To be perfectly honest, I wasn't even aware he had depression, but it was a comment about how deliberately cruel he was being in saying I was the least valued member of the group the day before my Mum's funeral.
So, am i right in thinking, in these circumstances, I should cut my losses and not reflect and apologise ?