To think I've been treated badly by this friendship group due to my mother's death ?

[Koalakate]

I'm trying to summarise as much as possible.

I made friends with a small group in secondary school, age. 11. We are now all 29/30. To be perfectly honest, there have been ongoing issues with the group appearing to be toxic, snobby, judgemental and at times, behaving in quite a clique and bullying manner. For some time I have thought the group have used me to "look down on," and I have noticed my friendships outside of this particular group seem to be less stressful.

The group members basically consist of me, Lauren, ( de facto leader), Lucy, Lisa, Daniel, ( single gay guy), and Jake.

Lauren has made it very, very clear she hates both my partner and Jake's girlfriend. She has a particular hatred for my partner, but has also said that as she doesn't like Jake's girlfriend, she won't allow either my partner or Jake's girlfriend to come on group holidays. She also wouldn't allow Jake to bring his ( long-term), girlfriend to her 30th a couple of weeks ago.

Lauren and I were previously very, very close, but stuff came to a head cos of how much she disliked my partner and her essentially saying it was her or him. I experienced an early pregnancy loss over a year ago, ( am now 22 weeks pregnant), and found out that Lauren had "accidentally," shared that with others, despite me wanting to keep it private. I messaged Lauren and asked her not to do this again, and she responded by blocking me on whatsapp, facebook and Instagram, ( this was five months ago).

The other's said they would continue to stay friends separately with me, but it was evident that, ( despite them saying they wanted the group to get back together), Lauren would always come first.

Lucy and Lisa had told Lauren I was pregnant when I was around 12 weeks ish, but Lauren never unblocked me to say congratulations etc.

I am pretty close with Jake, but Daniel, ( although he texted me to say he wanted to stay friends with both me and Lauren), got pretty funny with my when Lauren stopped talking to me.

Two weeks ago, my mum died suddenly and unexpectedly, ( there was no long illness, was hospitalised due to a very, very bad reaction to pneumonia as she is clinically vulnerable and died 10 days later).

Lisa, Lucy and Jake immediately messaged to offer condolences etc. They told Lauren, but she never unblocked me to say sorry for your loss etc, despite knowing my mum since we were 11.

Daniel also never messaged to say sorry about my mum, which I did think was strange as he'd spent a lot of time visiting me at my parents house, my mum was very fond of him and chatted to him regularly as an adult and he'd obviously known my mum a long time. But, I had other things in my mind, so didn't really think too much of it.

A week after the death, Lisa said she'd like to meet me to be supportive, ( Lisa lives in my hometown, I was there with my partner to assist my dad after my mum's death).

She said she and Daniel would like to meet me to offer support, and so we agreed that my partner, Lisa and Daniel would go for a walk in the park together. Daniel was behaving quite oddly when I saw him, didn't hug me, didn't directly say condolences etc. He mentioned that he was going to the dentist later that day, and so my partner, ( who immigrated to the U.K three years ago, and does not have English as a first language, which Daniel is very aware of), said, " oh what is wrong with your teeth then ?" (obviously, a native English speaker would probably say "why are you going to the dentist?" but there was no malice meant).

Shortly after, a mutual friend of ours called my partner, ( I had asked him to call a list of people and explain my mother's death. My partner took the call and was explaining what happenned, which seemed to really irritate Daniel, who kept rolling his eyes and muttering "well this is awkward your on the phone," loudly. Shortly after, Daniel left to go to the dentists.

A couple of days later, my 30th birthday happened. Obviously, the original plans had been cancelled, as this was two days before my mother's funeral. However, Lisa, Jake and his girlfriend said they'd like to meet to have sme subdued birthday drinks in the pub, ( obviously soft drinks for me, as I am 22 weeks pregnant).

Daniel texted that day to wish me a happy birthday, and I said about going to celebrate at the pub later. He said he'd love to come, and would meet us there at 7.00. He also texted Lisa to say he would look forward to meeting us there.

We got there, and Daniel didn't show up, reply to texts to answer where he was or answer his phone.

The next day Daniel never texted to apologise for standing us up, and when I texted to ask what happenned, he got very angry with me, (he was aware it was the day before my mum's funeral).

He replied "I'm not sorry I didn't attend the meeting for your birthday as I cannot stand to be around your partner. I do not like him and never will. I cannot stand to be around him. His behaviour was not normal, he was talking on the phone when we were in the park, he was rude when he said "what's wrong with your teeth", and he placed these very unsympathetic pats on your back when trying to comfort you. I find it surprising your upset I didn't show up. In the past we only met sporadically, and that speaks volumes for our friendship, in that it's not the same close bond I share with Lauren, Lucy and Lisa for example. I'm sorry, but if you carry on in this manner you'll leave me deciding to cease all contact in future."
I was shocked at this, as someone who's always had low confidence , it's never nice to hear you are valued less than any girl in the group, (especially the day before your mother's funeral). Also, it is clear the "what's wrong with your teeth" was just my partner asking in broken English why he was going to the dentist, and my partner was only taking a call whilst we were at the park to let a mutual friend know of my mum's death. Also, that I have lived across the U.K for work purposes, ( London, Scotland etc), and have always welcomed Daniel to stay individually, cooked for him , allowed him to stay for weekends etc.

I replied, " Daniel, there's nothing wrong with your teeth, he was asking why you were going to the dentist, that's normal human interaction. However, there must be something very, very wrong with your brain to think it's normal to be so cruel and spiteful to me the day before my mum's funeral."

I also pointed out that despite not feeling as "close a bond," he was happy to come and stay in my house for weekends away.

He replied saying:

1. As far as he was concerned, coming to stay with me in my house in Scotland was exciting cos he had never seen Scotland before, seeing me was an added bonus.
2. The fact I hadn't given him a 30th birthday gift had left an impression for "quite some time" ( I had spent over £200.00 attending his 30th birthday weekend away, I have bills and a mortgage to pay, Daniel has always lived rent free with his parents).
3. That in saying "there must be something wrong with his brain," to treat me this way, I had shown what an unempathetic, nasty person I was. He took this as a slight against him as he has depression, and that was unforgiveable and had hurt him deeply.
4. He was hurt so deeply he thought I should never contact him again.

He then immediately blocked me on Whatsapp, instagram, facebook and took himself out of every group chat on whatsapp or facebook we'd ever been part of.

I then had Lisa and Lucy phoning me , to say that Daniel was calling them in floods of tears to say he was deeply hurt so much that I'd "made fun of his mental health," and I should "reflect and apologise," for what I said. To be perfectly honest, I wasn't even aware he had depression, but it was a comment about how deliberately cruel he was being in saying I was the least valued member of the group the day before my Mum's funeral.

So, am i right in thinking, in these circumstances, I should cut my losses and not reflect and apologise ?

That IS sad. He’s a callous, disrespectful wanker.

The only thing is, I have to remember friends outside the group have commented they don't like associating/ hanging out with them cos they feel judged.

I've always suffered with low confidence, ( which may not entirely be unrelated to this group),and so being told words to the affect that I was the "least important," really hurt.

I was also hurt that Daniel had such a go at me for not getting him a birthday gift when I'd spent over £200.00 attending his birthday weekend away, which I could ill afford as I was moving house at time time.

I’d be disappointed if my 7 year old was involved in this kind of childish rubbish. Unbelievable

This is like a teenage friend group that some members just haven't grown up and out of. Personally I think I'd leave every one of them to it. Get a new number get out and about try new things. If others want to nosey or pry for information just stick to 'people grow apart' and don't be drawn into it.
Regardless who's queen bee, everyone could have been more reasonable given the circumstances, but genuinely you're going to have far less stress getting out of the group completely. What's even left?

You’re well off out of this OP. They sound like utterly utterly toxic individuals. I’m sure with some time and distance from them, in the end you will feel relief to be away from such a nasty group. Their group will disintegrate in time anyway, it all sounds very fake & focussed on power dynamics and little else.

im so sorry to hear about your mum OP

Not all opinions are equal.

If you wanted a medical opinion you might value the opinion of a qualified consultant more than Dr Google.

These people’s opinions of you are not a reflection of your worth as a person. Of course the rejection hurts (it always does), but it’s rooted in their awareness of your growing confidence which probably has subtly disrupted their sense of their own importance.

This is a time to step back from people who don’t bring good things to your life, focus on your own little family and cultivate your own self worth.

It's very interesting that Danielle said things about your mum such as she loved him rather than saying he loved her. I got the impression right through that he was extremely self-centred. I would not be able to forgive her or Lauren for not getting in touch after your mum died.

I would try not to dwell on this but I would actually cut them out.

I'm so sorry about your mum 💐

I did read your entire post actually and I can’t see that you have acted with malice or deliberate unkindness at any point. What you have said makes sense to me although I suppose your ‘friends’ might offer a different perspective on the situation. I would need to withdraw from it all and behave with dignity rather than being drawn in to the drama just as others have said. Anyone decent will continue to want to see you and I would just be pleasant and polite if I was put in a situation where I had to interact with the more toxic individuals. I certainly wouldn’t apologise to Daniel but would be prepared to discuss it calmly with him if an opportunity should present itself. I am also very sorry that you lost your Mum and can’t understand why those involved can’t see what a difficult time this is for you. It seems pretty unforgivable tbh.

yes OP. They are literally telling you not to persue a friendship with them
you may not agree with the reasons, but actually- at least they haven't "ghosted" you.
your male friend doesn't like your partner - thats ok, people just dont get on sometimes
your female frenemy: welp, whats the loss here?

if you want to remain friends with the others - just dont bring up any of this , or diccuss anything you wouldn't want being passed on until you know for sure , you can trust them and they care for you.

congrats on the baby. Sorry about your mum. People can be thoghtless.

So sorry about your mum.

Your 'friends' are fucking nightmares and have shown their true colours.

Bin them and move on. Daniel blocking you is the trash taking itself out.

Don't let them take over your thoughts when you're grieving, they don't deserve it.

I think what hurts so much about them being so unkind, is they will bitch for hours about the slightest slight towards them, e.g a neighbour was rude and it had them crying and shaking.

But I am being told "I can't be angry at Daniel for his feelings," "Daniel's very sensitive and thought people were laughing at his teeth" and " Daniel is in a state shaking in tears cos he thought you were making comments about his depression.

But I
m meant to take all this nastiness the day before my mum's funeral as "two wrongs don't make a right" "just cos Daniel was nasty to you, there's no need to be nasty back."

Sorry to hear about your Mum, OP.

As for your so-called friends, I genuinely think you'll be happier moving forwards if you cut the lot of them out of your life.

Half of them sound utterly childish and the other half are always going to take the side of the 'leader' because they're scared of her.

You have a baby on the way and you are grieving. If they can't think of your feelings now, they never will.

It's always a shame when friendships end BUT it does happen as we get older.

Soon you'll have a beautiful baby and a set of Mum friends who are in the same stage of life as you. Best to focus on that and let all of the bullshit go, OP.

My sister has pointed out Daniel's outlook is skewed though.

She says although Daniel is 30, he has always worked in NMW retail/ service jobs, doesn't drive so relies on his parents for lifts, lives rent free with his parents in their spare room and has never moved out of his parents/ away from our hometown, doesn't have long-term relationships, so his outlook is quite childish.

He doesn't have to worry about rent, bills, council tax, neighbours, cooking dinner, housework etc/ That's probably why he couldn't comprehend me not being able to afford his present as well as his £200.00 weekend away.

Hearing about how he was in "floods of tears," cos he interpreted my "must be something very, very wrong with your brain to be so cruel," comment as me disssing his depression, ( when I have also taken antideressants in the past), th day before mym mum's funeral was a bit much though.

Thanks.

I do hope "mum friends" will be a way of meeting more normal people, as I'm beginning to lose site of what is normal bhaviour in an adult friendship group.

The day of my mum's funeral, I had about 30+ notifications on my phone, as Daniel removed himself from various and multiple "event specific," group chats we'd been part of on facebook five years ago etc that had not been used since.

Also, to add, the group previously had another member, Sally, but Sally left the group three years ago as she felt she was being criticised and picked on all the time and it was bad for her mental health. Sally and I have remained friends separately though, and she says she is not surprised by the group's behaviour.

Don’t hang out with poisonous people. Cultivate 1on1 friendships with the good ones.

Fuck these people, they behave like spoilt teenagers! The bloody drama! 🙄 You're pregnant and you've just lost your mum, you really don't need to be dealing with this nonsense. Let them get on with it.

Really sorry for your loss. I hope you have some decent support around you. 💐

Sometimes I'm glad I have no friendship group.

They seem very self centered and sensitive. Making it all about them while you are grieving

Bin the lot of them bar jake

I'm sorry you've lost you mum and this is happening at the same time. Your "friends" sound like teenagers. Cut your losses, in sure you will make lots of new friends through your baby, grown up ones who are supportive and not self obsessed drama llamas.

Having also lost my mum very suddenly I’m afraid I don’t understand why you are so focused on this group of friends. Fuck them. Is this displaced grief?

I’m sorry about your mum and how your ‘friends’ have behaved. Keep Jake and bin the rest.

Just forget about them. Keep in contact 1 on 1 with any nice ones.

I think your expectations re your mother were off though. Once a friendship has deteriorated to the point someone has blocked you, that's it, it's over. You aren't going to hear from them in any circumstance, even to express sympathy for a bereavement or attend a funeral. And why would you want to?

In fact I've seen people ask on here if they should do this, and been told no, as it seems insincere and like they are using an awful situation to worm their way back.

I think it’s clear this friendship group sounds a bit toxic and is not doing anything for your self confidence. You can’t control how Daniel behaves but only your reaction to it. Once you have your baby things will inevitably change anyway, you will definitely have less time for all this drama. Cut your losses now and move away from all this unnecessary upset.