Is this ‘normal’ for a heterosexual woman?

[Perplexed0522]

Hi everyone,

I’m a 34 year old woman, I have been married for almost 7 years and I have two young children aged 4 and 2.

I’d always been attracted to males when I was at school and college and I always had boyfriends, but for some reason, when I was 17/18 years old I found myself feeling attracted to a few famous women. I used to print off photos of them wearing bikinis or provocative outfits and then stick them all over my college folders and workbooks etc. I used to feel very aroused when I looked at the images of them and also if I saw the women on TV, in music videos for example or in films.

My attraction towards the women lasted for about 6 months and then I met a guy, got into a relationship with him and my feelings towards those women just faded away.

I had never felt attracted to any women in real life, it was purely just these famous women.

However, when I was 21 years old I met a woman at a party and instantly I felt attracted to her, as did she to me. We didn’t really leave each other’s side, we were very flirtatious, finding reasons to touch each other etc and it all felt so taboo as she was actually there with her boyfriend. At one point when we were alone she went to kiss me but we got interrupted and then she and her boyfriend quickly left soon after. I sort of shrugged it off as just a bit of fun but I have never forgotten about it or the exhilaration I felt on that night.

Two years later, completely out of the blue, the same woman got in touch with me, confessed she had been attracted to me that night at the party and asked if we could meet up. I was single at the time, I remembered how attracted I had felt towards her at that party so I thought “why not?!” So I did meet up with her and we had a 4 month ‘thing’ which included us being sexual with each other.

Anyhow, that was about 10 years ago now but I think about it all the time. If I’m ever having some “alone time” it’s her I fantasise about - every time.

I have never had any other kind of intimacy with any another woman apart from her. Sometimes though I do feel some kind of attraction to odd woman I meet and wonder what it would be like to kiss them.

But I’m also very attracted to men and if I see good looking, sexy men then I do feel aroused when I look at them. Not in a serious way as obviously I’m married, but I certainly have feelings of “phwoar!!!” and find myself thinking the odd naughty thought about them.

I fancy my husband very much and we have a good sex life, about 2-3 times a week which we are both happy with.

I’m just so confused.

I remember about 6 years ago I was talking to a female friend, we were both tipsy, and I asked her if she had ever been sexually attracted to another woman. She laughed it off and said, “God no!” and I said to her, “What never?!” - as I genuinely couldn’t believe that a woman wouldn’t be attracted to another women every now and then.

Even now, the idea of women being sexually attracted to other woman just seems to be so normal. I’m genuinely surprised if a women tells me she’s never been sexually attracted to another woman. It just doesn’t make sense to me that it’s not a common occurrence.

So what’s going on?

Am I heterosexual with common (but unspoken) feelings and attitudes towards other women? Or am I bisexual? I don’t know.

I just need to get it off my chest as I have nobody in real life I can talk to.

I can’t log back in again until tomorrow night but I would really like to hear people’s thoughts to try and give me some clarity.

Thank you.

I'm no expert but I'd say you're bisexual.

I found it helped me to look at the Kinsey scale, I'd say I'm a 2, perhaps a 3. But I'm very old so I don't know whether anyone else would say the same.

I'd also say you were bisexual.

But ultimately does it matter?

I think you're probably bisexual. The Kinsey scale says I'm bisexual or heterosexual with homosexual tendencies. I experience attraction to men more often and feel it more deeply but I have been attracted to a few women in the past and have had sex with women. Although I like women's bodies I'm kind of turned off by the thought of a vagina, where with men I want to do everything and touch everywhere. Although if I met a woman I fancied again and things happened, who knows? Sexuality can be confusing and fluid and I don't think you need to worry about labelling yourself. You like what you like and that's fine.

You don't need to label it. You fancy women sometimes - it's fine!

I'm bisexual, you may be too. Or you may simply be bicurious.

You’re bisexual, if you had a 4 month fling with a woman and enjoyed it and you’re still attracted to women I can’t see how you could just be curious or heterosexual.

If you fancy women, you're not heterosexual. But if you're married, your sexual attraction towards other people isn't really important, unless you intend to have sex outside of your marriage?

Sexuality doesn't really have a 'normal'. We each have our own 'normal'.

Why does it worry you? Why do you need a label for it?

I'm bisexual but I'm also a total monogamist, so when I'm in a relationship with someone I don't even look anywhere else if that makes sense

No one can imagine someone else's feelings. Not really. So we assume everyone is just like us.

I'm not sure the boxes are particularly useful for this.

Some women fancy other women all the time, some of the time, never. I'm a never but I could meet an attractive woman tomorrow.

No, it's not normal for a heterosexual woman. Completely normal for a bisexual one, though.

No heterosexual women don’t feel like that and don’t have four month relationships with other women. Bisexual women do.

I don't think you're heterosexual if you've had a 4 month sexual relationship with a woman and are attracted to other women, you're bisexual I think.
Not that it matters at all- doesn't need so much headspace. You're married and committed to your husband, whatever sex he is is irrelevant.

THis. I call myself thoroughly heterosexual, but I have had a crush or two on women. Never acted on it. Usually because they represent something I find attractive and want for myself- physical beauty or some sort of intellectual strength.

I don’t think anyone or anything is normal when it comes to sexuality.
Ive literally never been sexually attracted to a woman. I see lots of beautiful women but it’s like seeing a beautiful child- zero attraction.
Mind you, I veer towards asexual (am married and have sex and fancy my DH but very very people)

If you want a label, maybe you are pansexual, attracted to the person first and foremost?

Sounds like you’re bisexual.

At the end of the day, we all fantasise. If you’re happy with your husband then i’d put it down to you find both sexes appealing sexually and leave it there. Doesn’t need to really mean anything per se, other than you enjoyed the fling you had and it’s a hot memory for you.

You're bisexual. So am I. Lots of people are. It's fine :-)

So you're bisexual, why are you confused?

Sounds as if you are bisexual, which is totally normal and fine - a gender isn't the determining factor in who you find attractive and whether you act upon it.

It would only be an issue if you felt unfulfilled in your current relationship and wanted to explore the side you've experienced less of, for a want of a better word. It doesn't sound like that is the case and therefore I wouldn't worry about it at all.

I'm bisexual, have only ever had relationships with men, but fantasise about women often. I'd happily have a sexual relationship with a woman, but I tend to err towards men for emotional relationships and commitment. It's never gotten in the way of having normal, fulfilling relationships with men and it's only now I'm single that I've questioned whether I want to meet a man or a woman - the answer is, I don't really care

Doesn't seem to be any big mystery here? You're sexually attracted to both men and women.

Thank you everyone, I’ve sneaked upstairs to read your comments and quickly post.

My husband has absolutely no idea about these feelings I have and he has no idea that I once had a sexual relationship with a woman, hence me sneaking off to look at the replies to my thread.

I feel confused because I thought that what I felt and experienced in my past was normal, and what I still feel now, and that every woman felt the same, but I’ve started to think that maybe that’s not the case.

I have never seriously considered myself as being bisexual….I’ve always just classed myself a normal heterosexual woman. I just assumed every heterosexual woman feels sexually attracted to other another woman at some point because that’s what feels so normal to me.

I will never forget how confused and surprised I was when my friend had told me she’d never been sexually attracted to another woman - I just couldn’t understand how that could be the case. Even now I find it odd that a woman wouldn’t be sexually attracted to another one.

I feel a little bit scared about how I’m now questioning myself and who I am. I thought I was just like every other woman, and now I’m starting to realise I’m not.

Knowing your identity and “knowing who you are” is such an important part of life and I thought I did know who/what I am.

But now I’m not so sure and I’m feeling so confused.

Only you will know, but from what you've written it sounds like you could be bisexual. Sexuality can be very complicated and being bisexual doesn't necessarily mean - and perhaps rarely means - a 50/50 attraction. You can be bisexual and mostly gay, or bisexual and mostly straight, and all sorts of millions of other complex things.

I think that the thoughts you are having - and even the trigger of a discussion with another woman making you realise you're different - can be quite common amongst people who realise that they're not completely straight at an older age. Whether or not you decide to redefine your sexuality, and whether or not you decide to just leave the question be, it will all become clearer for you. And rest assured you're not the first person to have gone through this!

I just assumed every heterosexual woman feels sexually attracted to other another woman at some point because that’s what feels so normal to me

You aren't completely heterosexual. I am and have never been attracted to women. If I was attracted to women as well as men I would say that I was bisexual, but I'm not.

You know who you are. The the comparison to other people and the labeling that's the issue. There is no normal. Not even a little bit. We are all unique and wouldn't life be terrible otherwise?

It is curious you haven't shared your past relationship history with your partner. Just in a 'oh I went there with Julie' sort of way. Do you think he'd judge or do you feel guilty or ashamed?

You're still normal. Just bisexual normal instead of heterosexual normal. It's okay!