Is this ‘normal’ for a heterosexual woman?

[Perplexed0522]

Hi everyone,

I’m a 34 year old woman, I have been married for almost 7 years and I have two young children aged 4 and 2.

I’d always been attracted to males when I was at school and college and I always had boyfriends, but for some reason, when I was 17/18 years old I found myself feeling attracted to a few famous women. I used to print off photos of them wearing bikinis or provocative outfits and then stick them all over my college folders and workbooks etc. I used to feel very aroused when I looked at the images of them and also if I saw the women on TV, in music videos for example or in films.

My attraction towards the women lasted for about 6 months and then I met a guy, got into a relationship with him and my feelings towards those women just faded away.

I had never felt attracted to any women in real life, it was purely just these famous women.

However, when I was 21 years old I met a woman at a party and instantly I felt attracted to her, as did she to me. We didn’t really leave each other’s side, we were very flirtatious, finding reasons to touch each other etc and it all felt so taboo as she was actually there with her boyfriend. At one point when we were alone she went to kiss me but we got interrupted and then she and her boyfriend quickly left soon after. I sort of shrugged it off as just a bit of fun but I have never forgotten about it or the exhilaration I felt on that night.

Two years later, completely out of the blue, the same woman got in touch with me, confessed she had been attracted to me that night at the party and asked if we could meet up. I was single at the time, I remembered how attracted I had felt towards her at that party so I thought “why not?!” So I did meet up with her and we had a 4 month ‘thing’ which included us being sexual with each other.

Anyhow, that was about 10 years ago now but I think about it all the time. If I’m ever having some “alone time” it’s her I fantasise about - every time.

I have never had any other kind of intimacy with any another woman apart from her. Sometimes though I do feel some kind of attraction to odd woman I meet and wonder what it would be like to kiss them.

But I’m also very attracted to men and if I see good looking, sexy men then I do feel aroused when I look at them. Not in a serious way as obviously I’m married, but I certainly have feelings of “phwoar!!!” and find myself thinking the odd naughty thought about them.

I fancy my husband very much and we have a good sex life, about 2-3 times a week which we are both happy with.

I’m just so confused.

I remember about 6 years ago I was talking to a female friend, we were both tipsy, and I asked her if she had ever been sexually attracted to another woman. She laughed it off and said, “God no!” and I said to her, “What never?!” - as I genuinely couldn’t believe that a woman wouldn’t be attracted to another women every now and then.

Even now, the idea of women being sexually attracted to other woman just seems to be so normal. I’m genuinely surprised if a women tells me she’s never been sexually attracted to another woman. It just doesn’t make sense to me that it’s not a common occurrence.

So what’s going on?

Am I heterosexual with common (but unspoken) feelings and attitudes towards other women? Or am I bisexual? I don’t know.

I just need to get it off my chest as I have nobody in real life I can talk to.

I can’t log back in again until tomorrow night but I would really like to hear people’s thoughts to try and give me some clarity.

Thank you.

I don't understand why 'knowing your identity' in this case matters? You are married to a man, in a hetero relationship so unless you are unhappy and you want that to change, why do you need to question who you are, how is it important?

It's a funny old world- I see men I find attractive and women I think are too and I recognise that attractiveness-- but at 60 really don't want sex with any of them- which isn't great when you are married.

You are married to a man, in a hetero relationship so unless you are unhappy and you want that to change, why do you need to question who you are, how is it important?

I am happy with my DH, we have a great life together, but lately I’ve been thinking about women a lot more and questioning why.

I would never cheat on my husband but I can’t stop thinking about what it would be like to kiss a woman again, and be intimate with one.

I’m worried that the ‘real me’ has been suppressed due to me genuinely thinking that my past experiences (and the way I still feel about women) was pretty typical for most women, but I’m now realising that it’s not.

And I’m worried that I’m starting to feel sad that I will never experience it again.

It’s strange.

I think that sense of wonder and regret is understandable OP. I also have wondered whether if I were in my teens or 20s now I would have had more relationships with women given that it's much more socially acceptable now.

But like some PP have commented, I find it hard to relate to the modern conception of "identity " and that I'm somehow repressed or not being true to myself if I don't make my preferences public. I recently applied for a job where people who "identify as LGBT" were invited to state that because the organisation wanted to increase its diversity. I hesitated because hey it may improve my chances but honestly I don't feel I have been oppressed or that my view that Kristin Scott Thomas is super hot would actually make a valuable contribution to the workplace! 😂 (I recognise that's my own experience though!)

You're bisexual, ultimately it doesn't matter though.

What does matter is that you've used "normal heterosexual woman" and appear to be somehow implying that anything other than heterosexual is not normal. That's quite annoying.

@Perplexed0522 I think if you are thinking about kissing other people then perhaps the marriage is not for you. I may be divorced but I never once thought/dwelled on kissing anyone else of either sex when I was married.

What does matter is that you've used "normal heterosexual woman" and appear to be somehow implying that anything other than heterosexual is not normal. That's quite annoying.

Oh God no, I definitely didn’t mean that, sorry if I caused any offence.

What I meant to say was that I always thought it was normal for heterosexual women to be attracted to other women at times. I.e that I don’t think there’s anything strange about women being attracted to other women.

I certainly didn’t mean that heterosexuality is normal and anything else is abnormal.

I think if you are thinking about kissing other people then perhaps the marriage is not for you. I may be divorced but I never once thought/dwelled on kissing anyone else of either sex when I was married.

I wouldn’t necessarily say that. I imagine that a lot of happily married couples have occasions where either partner fantasises about kissing someone else. Like a poster above said, she and her partner go to Swingers Clubs together….just because they are indulging in intimacy with other couples, that doesn’t mean that their marriage isn’t working.

I thought everyone liked window shopping as it were? I would never kiss anyone behind my husband’s pack, I do not want to cheat on him and never would, but I still feel attracted to other people at times. Again, I thought that was pretty normal?

I'm bisexual and my exh is bisexual. I still found women attractive but I was married, and I wasn't fantasising about kissing women etc because I was in a monogamous relationship with a man and was happy with that choice.

My exh on the other hand would often say he missed being with a man and that me expecting him to be monogamous was controlling his sexual urges. He wanted me to be ok with dalliances with men because he 'needed' it. Him wanting an open relationship and having one despite me saying no was one of many reasons why the marriage ended. After we divorced he continued to only have relationships with women until very recently when he's started a relationship with a man.

Maybe you have a bit of soul searching to do OP. You say you're happy with your DH but it sounds like you're feeling a bit 'what if..'

If it's just about enjoying the sex then I'd still say it was on the spectrum for normal but if your imagination and interest stretched to embrace the idea of full relationship then I'd say it might be appropriate - if you wish - to think of yourself as bisexual.

If it's just about enjoying the sex then I'd still say it was on the spectrum for normal but if your imagination and interest stretched to embrace the idea of full relationship then I'd say it might be appropriate - if you wish - to think of yourself as bisexual.

Its only about attraction.

I cannot envisage ever wanting to be in a relationship with a woman. I’ve always had boyfriends and that is always what felt right.

I love being with my husband and I love being part of a male-female couple and I genuinely couldn’t imagine wanting anything different from that in terms of a relationship.

You are heterosexual. When children play act to be a different sex from their own, we don't label them Trans. Same with adults especially if most of your life you have been one way. I'd be very wary of picking sides just for the sake of identity. Life is weird and so is the human body.

'You are a woman who finds women sexually attractive: you are heterosexual.'

Yup.

Spectrum for "normal"?! WTAF?! Bisexuality is completely normal. It's just like having normal relationships with normal people but sometimes they're male and sometimes they're female. The nature of the relationship is pretty similar and even sex is similar. It's just about love and trying to make each other happy.

I'd be wary of sharing your own sexual experiences here, especially if OP is 'aroused' just from looking at a good looking man.

This is me and I hadn’t ever really thought about it till I read this. I assumed all women did too but funnily enough like you not men. I just kind of am what I am and at this moment I am a happily married mum who sometimes appreciates the looks of both sexes. I hadn’t ever thought that not everyone felt like me before because to me it’s normal, my normal.

I think what the poster most is that being attracted to some women is still within the realms of ‘normal’ feelings that heterosexual women can have. She didn’t mean that bisexuality in itself is abnormal.

She is saying that heterosexual women being attracted to some other women doesn’t makes them bisexual, and bisexuality is more an appropriate term if women want/foresee having an actual relationship with a woman I.e it’s more than just simple attraction.

Any term with "sexual" at the end is referring to sexual attraction.
Heterosexual - sexually attracted exclusively to the opposite sex
Homosexual - sexually attracted exclusively to one's own sex
Bisexual - sexually attracted equally to both sexes
Asexual - no feelings of sexual attraction to any sex

It's got nothing to do with who you want to share your life with, go to dinner with, share a mortgage with, grow old with. It's to do with sexual attraction.

You're complicating it with societal constraints - "I don't want a relationship with a woman" just means exactly that. You can want sex with someone and not want to wake up with them in the morning.

Not that any of this matters in the slightest - it's just a label surely?? If you want to be monogamous then it's neither here or there how you label yourself.

For me, swinging is not part of a marriage.

OP you are/it is completely "normal" to be attracted to both sexes - it's bisexuality and nothing to be upset about or even need to label yourself over.

Heterosexual women are by definition those who are opposite sex attracted (of which I am one, having never been securely attracted to a woman) but honestly, who on earth cares?

I think this is the pernicious aspect of the huge focus on things like sexuality being seen as "your identity" - it makes it all feel so loaded and like you have to pick and commit to a giant label that defines who you are. Well you don't. Your the same person you've always been and sounds happily married - just go on with your life as you always have done!

All the best to you!

Op, what stands out the most is how absolutely desperate you are to insist you are not bisexual.
That's the real issue.

It’s not that I’m desperately trying to insist that I’m not, I just don’t equate my feelings with what it means to be an actual bisexual.

I was watching a series with DH last night (well I was watching it and he was reluctantly doing to) which was about two guys falling in love and it got me thinking because the storyline was amazing and I remember thinking to myself that idea of men falling in love and finding each other attractive is much appealing to me than seeing two women do the same.

Ultimately, if I had to watch porn I would much rather watch male-on-male action than two women together.

Yes I can look at other women and feel attracted to them but it’s fleeting and it’s certainly not as strong a desire as when I look at sexy men.

Im just not sure that the odd feelings of attraction to a woman every now and then (and it really is rarely) and one short fling over a decade ago is enough to justify the idea of being bisexual.

I don’t know.

OP - can you put your finger on why it's so important to you to find the "correct" label for yourself? Why does it matter? Will it change anything if you call yourself bisexual as opposed to heterosexual?

I honestly don’t know.

I suppose it’s because I’ve always considered myself heterosexual and would never apply the label of bisexual to myself - I just thought my experiences and feelings were typical of most women.

I guess I started the post not only because I was confused, but maybe because I was looking for reassurance from other heterosexual women (as they’d class themselves to be) who feel the same way about other women that I do sometimes.

But the exact opposite has happened really.

I am a 3 on the Kinsey scale. My very first sexual feelings were towards girls. I went to an all girls school and was scared of men when I first went to university. Very rapidly discovered I liked them and having sex with them, which I then did a lot of. Got married to a man who said he was bisexual, who turned out to not really be bisexual (he loved me, but didn't like having sex with me). I left him for a bisexual man and while with him became a swinger and had lots of sexual adventures with both sexes. When that relationship ended I married a totally heterosexual man. Very happy with my life with him including my sex life.

I still have sexual fantasies about women and when I have watched porn, throughout my life, it has mostly been lesbian action. I would never be interested in living with or having a romantic relationship with a woman.

So everyone is different. No-one who knows me now knows I am bisexual. To the world I am just an ordinary middle aged married woman. I'm not trying to hide anything and I don't feel confused, it's just not an issue.