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Original poster

Is this ‘normal’ for a heterosexual woman?

115 replies

Perplexed0522 · 18/05/2022 16:30

Hi everyone,

I’m a 34 year old woman, I have been married for almost 7 years and I have two young children aged 4 and 2.

I’d always been attracted to males when I was at school and college and I always had boyfriends, but for some reason, when I was 17/18 years old I found myself feeling attracted to a few famous women. I used to print off photos of them wearing bikinis or provocative outfits and then stick them all over my college folders and workbooks etc. I used to feel very aroused when I looked at the images of them and also if I saw the women on TV, in music videos for example or in films.

My attraction towards the women lasted for about 6 months and then I met a guy, got into a relationship with him and my feelings towards those women just faded away.

I had never felt attracted to any women in real life, it was purely just these famous women.

However, when I was 21 years old I met a woman at a party and instantly I felt attracted to her, as did she to me. We didn’t really leave each other’s side, we were very flirtatious, finding reasons to touch each other etc and it all felt so taboo as she was actually there with her boyfriend. At one point when we were alone she went to kiss me but we got interrupted and then she and her boyfriend quickly left soon after. I sort of shrugged it off as just a bit of fun but I have never forgotten about it or the exhilaration I felt on that night.

Two years later, completely out of the blue, the same woman got in touch with me, confessed she had been attracted to me that night at the party and asked if we could meet up. I was single at the time, I remembered how attracted I had felt towards her at that party so I thought “why not?!” So I did meet up with her and we had a 4 month ‘thing’ which included us being sexual with each other.

Anyhow, that was about 10 years ago now but I think about it all the time. If I’m ever having some “alone time” it’s her I fantasise about - every time.

I have never had any other kind of intimacy with any another woman apart from her. Sometimes though I do feel some kind of attraction to odd woman I meet and wonder what it would be like to kiss them.

But I’m also very attracted to men and if I see good looking, sexy men then I do feel aroused when I look at them. Not in a serious way as obviously I’m married, but I certainly have feelings of “phwoar!!!” and find myself thinking the odd naughty thought about them.

I fancy my husband very much and we have a good sex life, about 2-3 times a week which we are both happy with.

I’m just so confused.

I remember about 6 years ago I was talking to a female friend, we were both tipsy, and I asked her if she had ever been sexually attracted to another woman. She laughed it off and said, “God no!” and I said to her, “What never?!” - as I genuinely couldn’t believe that a woman wouldn’t be attracted to another women every now and then.

Even now, the idea of women being sexually attracted to other woman just seems to be so normal. I’m genuinely surprised if a women tells me she’s never been sexually attracted to another woman. It just doesn’t make sense to me that it’s not a common occurrence.

So what’s going on?

Am I heterosexual with common (but unspoken) feelings and attitudes towards other women? Or am I bisexual? I don’t know.

I just need to get it off my chest as I have nobody in real life I can talk to.

I can’t log back in again until tomorrow night but I would really like to hear people’s thoughts to try and give me some clarity.

Thank you.

OP posts:
LisaSimpson77 · 19/05/2022 06:54

Why the need to define yourself at all?
You experience attraction to different people at different points in your life and yes this is completely "normal" but everybody has a completely different attraction experience.
I'm a lesbian but I experience a very occasional intense crush on a man, perhaps that technically makes me bi but I have no time for labels.
My friend considered herself completely heterosexual until age 50 when she developed feelings for a female colleague and is now married to her.
At this point you are in a happy relationship so focus on that and relax about the labels.

You might find this interesting:

www.idrlabs.com/kinsey-scale/test.php

username39583 · 19/05/2022 06:56

I'm heterosexual and have never been attracted to a women. Obviously I can tell if a women is good looking but I have never felt any sexual attraction.

Original poster
Perplexed0522 · 19/05/2022 07:10

Like you I thought most women were similar to me - (some) women are just so beautiful and sexy I thought it was a given

Exactly this!

When I used to print off those pictures of the famous women in their bikinis I would look at them and think how incredibly sexy they were and I just couldn’t understand how other women didn’t feel the same.

I have met women in my past who I have been sexually attracted to and I find myself flirting with them and just assuming that every other woman around me probably feels the same towards and acts the same towards her. It wouldn’t occur to me that my attraction to her was something that others wouldn’t be feeling too.

Strangely though, even when I see a really sexy guy and assume all women fancy him too, I certainly wouldn’t be thinking that it’s a given that all men would fancy him too.

I suppose that just feeds into my narrative of heterosexual men don’t fancy men, but it’s completely normal for heterosexual women to fancy other women.

I suppose I don’t need a label as such, I think I’m just trying to make sense of my thoughts and perspectives.

OP posts:
Aprilx · 19/05/2022 07:26

Perplexed0522 · 19/05/2022 07:10

Like you I thought most women were similar to me - (some) women are just so beautiful and sexy I thought it was a given

Exactly this!

When I used to print off those pictures of the famous women in their bikinis I would look at them and think how incredibly sexy they were and I just couldn’t understand how other women didn’t feel the same.

I have met women in my past who I have been sexually attracted to and I find myself flirting with them and just assuming that every other woman around me probably feels the same towards and acts the same towards her. It wouldn’t occur to me that my attraction to her was something that others wouldn’t be feeling too.

Strangely though, even when I see a really sexy guy and assume all women fancy him too, I certainly wouldn’t be thinking that it’s a given that all men would fancy him too.

I suppose that just feeds into my narrative of heterosexual men don’t fancy men, but it’s completely normal for heterosexual women to fancy other women.

I suppose I don’t need a label as such, I think I’m just trying to make sense of my thoughts and perspectives.

Heterosexual women don’t fancy women any more than heterosexual men fancy men! By definition heterosexual means attracted to the opposite sex. I find it kind of odd that you cannot conceive that women do not fancy other women. I am heterosexual, by the dictionary definition, but I don’t find it at all difficult to conceive that there are some men and women that are attracted to their own sex or both their own sex and the opposite sex. I think all are normal and natural.

cookiemonster2468 · 19/05/2022 07:27

Heterosexual and bisexual are not clear cut categories of 100% and 50% attraction. Humam sexuality is much more complex than that and it's more of a spectrum.

Firstly you don't have to label yourself at all!

But I would probaby define bisexual as someone who wants actual romantic relationships with both men and women.

You could be sexually attracted to women but only ever be in relationships with men.

If this is you and you want a label, this might be defined as 'Heteroflexible' (look it up).

cookiemonster2468 · 19/05/2022 07:28

It's also much more common for women to be heteroflexible/ bisexual than it is for men, strangely!

TitoMojito · 19/05/2022 07:30

IstayedForTheFeminism · 18/05/2022 16:36

I'd also say you were bisexual.

But ultimately does it matter?

That ^

TitoMojito · 19/05/2022 07:34

There's nothing wrong with being bisexual. I'm bisexual and very happy in a monogamous relationship with a man. He is also bi. Being bi is perfectly normal.

Original poster
Perplexed0522 · 19/05/2022 07:35

But I would probaby define bisexual as someone who wants actual romantic relationships with both men and women.

I could never imagine myself in a relationship with a woman - I.e going on dates, having a girlfriend, living with a woman etc. I don’t feel that’s something I want at all, it’s purely about sexual attraction towards them, and acting on it or thinking about acting on it. Maybe it’s just the thrill. I don’t know.

OP posts:
Original poster
Perplexed0522 · 19/05/2022 07:41

I find it kind of odd that you cannot conceive that women do not fancy other women.

Same here. I can conceive it but I’m not sure I’m ready to accept it.

My perception of heterosexual women being attracted to some women too has been my ‘norm’ for almost 20 years.

People always talk about women experimenting with other women, being curious what’s it’s like to be with another woman etc and it just being a normal phase of identifying sexual identity.

I have never attributed those ‘experiments’ as meaning the woman is bisexual. To me, bisexuality means having relationships with women, with having sex with a various number of women, and that’s not who/what I am.

OP posts:
Original poster
Perplexed0522 · 19/05/2022 07:42

BiscuitLover3678 · 18/05/2022 20:36

Are you quite traditional/conservative minded op?

What would you class as traditional and conservative minded? What sort of attitudes and behaviours would that involve?

OP posts:
ShirleyJackson · 19/05/2022 08:03

Just done that Kinsey test. I’m a 2. Who knew?

Relax, OP. It’s fine. Don’t worry about labels.

AMBE123 · 19/05/2022 08:28

This test is good:
www.idrlabs.com/sexual-orientation/test.php

Note that in this one you can be 100% heterosexual and also 30% homosexual ie totally attracted to men but also attracted to women to some degree...it helps identify those degrees and places you in a quadrant.

In other words, being 30% attracted to women doesn't mean you have to be less attracted to men. The two aren't mutually exclusive and realising this helped me work things out.

Back then I got 20% straight and 100% gay, (or 'homosexual with some hetero tendencies' on the Kinsey scale)......however I'd spent my life with men with a few short flings with women, because societal expectations and a fear of rejection by family and friends helped add more weight to the 20%. Google not existing back in the 80s hadn't helped either!

AstroSurf · 19/05/2022 08:42

Knowing your identity and “knowing who you are” is such an important part of life and I thought I did know who/what I am.

I've always found it strange that we now identify people by their sexual desires. If you're attracted to the opposite gender, you 'are' hetero. And if you fancy your own gender, you 'are' gay.

When someone fancies pizza, even if they're obsessed with pizza, we don't say they 'are' pizza. We don't consider the particular food preference to be the person's identity.

To answer your question, OP, who cares w^

Flyg · 19/05/2022 08:43

I smiled reading this, it reminded me of my early 20's when I was like, 'just because i fancy insert massive list of different IRL / Famous women ever since i was 14ish and just because i slept with that woman for a while doesnt mean im not straight' 😆

I am also bi, but with a much stronger leaning towards women than men, the odd man though does make my head turn, but enough about Nick Robinson!

Original poster
Perplexed0522 · 19/05/2022 09:04

I smiled reading this, it reminded me of my early 20's when I was like, 'just because i fancy insert massive list of different IRL / Famous women ever since i was 14ish and just because i slept with that woman for a while doesnt mean im not straight'

😂😂

This really made me laugh because it’s exactly the sort of thing I would say.

OP posts:
SilverBirchWithout · 19/05/2022 09:15

I find it quite confusing that you have never considered that you are bisexual, and it sounds as if you have a fairly conservative attitude to sexuality and have friends who are also very conservative.
I’m much older than you (early 60s), and would consider myself mainly heterosexual, with some bisexual tendencies.
I find images of naked women attractive, to me the female form is artistically more attractive than the male form. However, in terms of feeling passionate and pure sexual attraction, men interest me whilst women don’t. I have had only 1 one-night stand with a woman, and although this was a pleasant experience and exciting because it felt a bit ‘taboo’ I missed the physical maleness of a man’s body (body size and penis). I have thought quite deeply about my sexuality over the years and whether I have partially repressed the same-sex part of my sexuality, on balance I don’t think I have. My interest in the female body is probably mainly aesthetic.
I think we’re all a bit different on the sexuality spectrum, and social-conditioning plays quite a big part in how we identify. If you are happy and fulfilled in your current relationship it probably isn’t worth wasting too much mental effort on your personal sexuality label, but I do think you are maybe much more bisexual than you feel comfortable acknowledging. It might be helpful for you to explore your own feelings about homophobia.

AdamRyan · 19/05/2022 09:18

I'm with you op. Can be attracted to women and had a brief thing with a woman many years ago.
I hate being labelled - most of my relationships are with men, I was married for 15 years, I'm with a man now. So to all intents and purposes I'm straight. But I hate labelling myself as that as it feels like I'm betraying the woman I was involved with.
And my sexual attractions/fantasies are private. I don't understand people who come out as bisexual when they are in a long term heterosexual relationship. It feels very strange to me. Why do they feel people need to know that? (I suspect a heavy dose of internalised biphobia here)
I basically tick the "prefer not to say" box on forms and it doesn't really come up much in real life.
Not helpful but I guess just some confused solidarity

SilverBirchWithout · 19/05/2022 09:26

“It might be helpful for you to explore your own feelings about homophobia”
I hope my last sentence didn’t sound accusatory, it’s not my intention. But I just wanted to highlight the social conditioning we all experience in how we define ourselves. Just because some of your friends have reacted with shock and distain doesn’t mean you should any discomfort about who you are.

neverforpepper · 19/05/2022 09:34

Just done the latest test posted. 100% hetero and 67% homo. Gosh!

Bit surprised at that. I've never had sexual contact with a woman, but wouldn't count it out if I found myself single again. I've been saying that for years though and always met and fell in love with men again....

DaisyWaldron · 19/05/2022 09:37

I had a similar sort of experience. I had crushes on girls/women from when I was a teenager, but they were rarely the ones who other girls thought of as attractive. And because homosexuality was so taboo I bought into this idea that it was a perfectly normal part of development for heterosexual teenage girls have same-sex crushes because "romantic friendships" and crushes on teachers and classmates were all over classic literature and the girls in books generally grew up and got married and I didn't realise that it this was actually a coded way of describing lesbianism/bisexuality. And I thought my crushes on older women/celebrities were just because I admired them.

I feel kind of silly looking back, but that's Section 28 and a religious school for you.

me4real · 19/05/2022 10:08

People to seem to forget about bisexuality. This is where to some extent you're attracted to both men and women @Perplexed0522 . Which is what you are experiencing.

neverforpepper · 19/05/2022 10:13

I guess 100/67 would be explained generally as bisexual? So OP maybe I'm going to have to actually adjust my internal perception of myself albeit it makes no difference in reality to my (and your) current situation.

Original poster
Perplexed0522 · 19/05/2022 10:24

SilverBirchWithout · 19/05/2022 09:15

I find it quite confusing that you have never considered that you are bisexual, and it sounds as if you have a fairly conservative attitude to sexuality and have friends who are also very conservative.
I’m much older than you (early 60s), and would consider myself mainly heterosexual, with some bisexual tendencies.
I find images of naked women attractive, to me the female form is artistically more attractive than the male form. However, in terms of feeling passionate and pure sexual attraction, men interest me whilst women don’t. I have had only 1 one-night stand with a woman, and although this was a pleasant experience and exciting because it felt a bit ‘taboo’ I missed the physical maleness of a man’s body (body size and penis). I have thought quite deeply about my sexuality over the years and whether I have partially repressed the same-sex part of my sexuality, on balance I don’t think I have. My interest in the female body is probably mainly aesthetic.
I think we’re all a bit different on the sexuality spectrum, and social-conditioning plays quite a big part in how we identify. If you are happy and fulfilled in your current relationship it probably isn’t worth wasting too much mental effort on your personal sexuality label, but I do think you are maybe much more bisexual than you feel comfortable acknowledging. It might be helpful for you to explore your own feelings about homophobia.

Me and my friends are definitely not conservative when it comes to sex. Before we all settled down and got married and had children etc we were always out looking for a good time….attractive men were our weakness!! 😂 When I look back on my sexual past prior to meeting my husband I can’t quite believe the things I got up to 😬

And I’m definitely not homophobic.

OP posts:
WDTABNONONO · 19/05/2022 10:26

Sexuality is a spectrum.

There isn't just straight or gay.

I fancy women but I only have ever dated men.