Is this ‘normal’ for a heterosexual woman?

[Perplexed0522]

Hi everyone,

I’m a 34 year old woman, I have been married for almost 7 years and I have two young children aged 4 and 2.

I’d always been attracted to males when I was at school and college and I always had boyfriends, but for some reason, when I was 17/18 years old I found myself feeling attracted to a few famous women. I used to print off photos of them wearing bikinis or provocative outfits and then stick them all over my college folders and workbooks etc. I used to feel very aroused when I looked at the images of them and also if I saw the women on TV, in music videos for example or in films.

My attraction towards the women lasted for about 6 months and then I met a guy, got into a relationship with him and my feelings towards those women just faded away.

I had never felt attracted to any women in real life, it was purely just these famous women.

However, when I was 21 years old I met a woman at a party and instantly I felt attracted to her, as did she to me. We didn’t really leave each other’s side, we were very flirtatious, finding reasons to touch each other etc and it all felt so taboo as she was actually there with her boyfriend. At one point when we were alone she went to kiss me but we got interrupted and then she and her boyfriend quickly left soon after. I sort of shrugged it off as just a bit of fun but I have never forgotten about it or the exhilaration I felt on that night.

Two years later, completely out of the blue, the same woman got in touch with me, confessed she had been attracted to me that night at the party and asked if we could meet up. I was single at the time, I remembered how attracted I had felt towards her at that party so I thought “why not?!” So I did meet up with her and we had a 4 month ‘thing’ which included us being sexual with each other.

Anyhow, that was about 10 years ago now but I think about it all the time. If I’m ever having some “alone time” it’s her I fantasise about - every time.

I have never had any other kind of intimacy with any another woman apart from her. Sometimes though I do feel some kind of attraction to odd woman I meet and wonder what it would be like to kiss them.

But I’m also very attracted to men and if I see good looking, sexy men then I do feel aroused when I look at them. Not in a serious way as obviously I’m married, but I certainly have feelings of “phwoar!!!” and find myself thinking the odd naughty thought about them.

I fancy my husband very much and we have a good sex life, about 2-3 times a week which we are both happy with.

I’m just so confused.

I remember about 6 years ago I was talking to a female friend, we were both tipsy, and I asked her if she had ever been sexually attracted to another woman. She laughed it off and said, “God no!” and I said to her, “What never?!” - as I genuinely couldn’t believe that a woman wouldn’t be attracted to another women every now and then.

Even now, the idea of women being sexually attracted to other woman just seems to be so normal. I’m genuinely surprised if a women tells me she’s never been sexually attracted to another woman. It just doesn’t make sense to me that it’s not a common occurrence.

So what’s going on?

Am I heterosexual with common (but unspoken) feelings and attitudes towards other women? Or am I bisexual? I don’t know.

I just need to get it off my chest as I have nobody in real life I can talk to.

I can’t log back in again until tomorrow night but I would really like to hear people’s thoughts to try and give me some clarity.

Thank you.

I haven’t told my DH for the same reasons I haven’t discussed any of my previous sexual partners with him - it just doesn’t seem appropriate. I wouldn’t want him to tell me about his previous sexual history as it has no bearing on our relationship and why would I want to hear about previous women he’s slept with? We both have our sexual pasts and have no need to talk about them with each other.

And like I said, I don’t find the idea of women having sex with other women as anything out of the ordinary so it wouldn’t occur to me that it’s a ‘thing’ I needed to tell him about.

These replies are a true eye opener in terms of seeing how skewed my perception is of what heterosexual women actually feel about other women.

I genuinely can’t believe how wrong I got it.

I'm heterosexual and haven't ever felt sexually or physically attracted to a woman. Genuinely can't imagine it, I can appreciate a beautiful woman but imagining doing anything sexual with another woman is just a big fat no from me. Wouldn't turn me on in the slightest.

Honestly if you feel attracted to both men and women then it sounds like you are bisexual. I don't think you need to question what other people/women think or feel but I do find it odd that it's never occurred to you that heterosexual preferences imply exclusively being sexually attracted to the opposite sex. Sorry, I'm not trying to be blunt or rude.

In any case, it sounds like this is a bit of a shock to you. I'd recommend taking it easy on yourself and perhaps seeking out some support to talk about the way you're feeling. There's absolutely nothing wrong with you and what you are feeling is normal! Heterosexuality does not define "normality".

Your bisexual. Totally normal. Totally nothing to worry about. Totally legitimate sexual orientation.

What you feel is normal. I'm bisexual. I have a sight preference sexually for women and romantically for men. I tend to get on better with men but find I get that heart stopping wow reaction with women.

I've had relationships with both and been in love with both. Most recently been in a 5 year relationship with a man. Currently single and open to a relationship with either.

Honestly? What does it matter. We are all on a spectrum, some more than others. We’re all animals that can be influenced by a range of environmental factors and genetics. I think there was a study I read recently how it’s really common for women to be bisexual for various reasons. A lot of the time we just repress it. We are social and empathetic mammals! Only label yourself if it helps :)

Bisexual people can still happily be with one sex, just like you’ve shown. Just like you can be attracted to strangers in the street or celebrities that look nothing like your partner, but still be very happy with your partner. It really doesn’t matter or change anything about you.

I don't think you need to question what other people/women think or feel but I do find it odd that it's never occurred to you that heterosexual preferences imply exclusively being sexually attracted to the opposite sex. Sorry, I'm not trying to be blunt or rude.

don’t worry, you don’t come across as rude or blunt….I think it’s a perfectly valid comment but I genuinely don’t how to respond.

I guess I always associated bisexuals having a 50/50 attraction to both sexes, regular sexual contact or regular sexual relationships with both sexes whereas I’ve only fancied and ‘been with’ one woman in the last 16 years or so where I first felt an attraction to one (the famous women).

I guess I never equated bisexuality as having just one ‘thing’ with another woman in such a long time period, and I guess I didn’t equate bisexuality to someone having marriage and children too. Sorry if that sounds offensive….I’m just trying to explain how I feel and my confusion is probably making me talk rubbish.

It all just feels so odd. I can’t believe I might actually be bisexual. I don’t know what to make of it.

We both have our sexual pasts and have no need to talk about them with each other.

It's not sexual history, it's history. Just like I'd chat with a friend about my life, "went to Paris with Fred" or something.

The way you talk about sex and relationships is interesting. I mean I know which of my close friends have dated/fancied women/men/both. Have you not had these conversations a lot with friends or partners?

There are masses of negative stereotypes about bisexuals, one of the most damaging being that we're promiscuous. It isn't true. I've met polyamorous bisexuals, yes, but also monogamous ones (which I am). You can only be in a relationship with one person at a time if you're monogamous and if that happens to be an opposite sex partner then so be it. It doesn't change the underlying sexual orientation.

Are you quite traditional/conservative minded op?

You sound bisexual to me. I have never been sexually attracted to a woman either.

I know which of my close friends have dated/fancied women/men/both. Have you not had these conversations a lot with friends or partners?

Three of my closest friends know about me and the woman I had a thing with. They were with me at the party when I first met her and they could sense that something was sparking between us. A few years later when I told them that things had gone further they were very, very shocked but nothing else was said. I guess they thought I was just having a curious phase. It hasn’t been mentioned since.

I did tell one of my previous partners about me and the woman - he was the guy I started seeing after things ended with her. When I told him he was absolutely mortified. He told me never mention it again, especially in front of his friends because he’d be so, so embarrassed.

His reaction made me feel a bit crappy actually.

Over the last few weeks I have considered talking about this to someone in real life but I wouldn’t even know what to say. I have two female colleagues, both of whom are are in relationships with other women (I don’t know whether they are lesbians or bisexuals) and I thought I could talk to one of them?

Anyhow, I’m off to bed to watch a film with DH so I won’t be able to message anymore tonight.

But thank you everyone for your help.

I'm sorry you were made to feel it was not OK.

As long as everyone is consenting, it's all OK.

I would say you are bisexual.

Funnily enough I have been wondering about myself at quite a ripe age. I have never had sexual interaction with a woman and think I have mostly been attracted to men... although not that many. I've had plenty of sexual relationships with them but I've always thought I was "fussy" as I don't fancy that many men. Certainly not in the street or tv or whatever. Rather than derail your thread I might start a similar one... I had meant to do so this week! I find myself looking at women al the time. Have always wondered whether I'm just admiring/comparing but starting to think it might be more and that I've repressed this.

Good luck. Anything is fine.

It sounds like you're bisexual, OP. Especially as, as you put it, it seems odd to you that all women don't feel that attraction to other women. That's probably because it's so natural to you.

I agree with previous posters that it's really not a big deal and you don't really need to slap any labels on yourself.

I did tell one of my previous partners about me and the woman - he was the guy I started seeing after things ended with her. When I told him he was absolutely mortified. He told me never mention it again, especially in front of his friends because he’d be so, so embarrassed

What a knob he was. Thank goodness you got rid of him!

I mean this sounds a bit like me but I'm hella bisexual.

You like men and women sexually. That generally = bisexual.

Also it's perfectly normal and ok to be bisexual. And to be monogamous with a man (I've been with my bf since we were 18) and to have little experience with the other sex you're attracted to.

It doesn't change anything. You're exactly the same person at the end of the day.

So firstly i dont think you should worry about labels. You are you and the way you feel is unique to you.

Your question is wrong however. It shouldn't be, "is this normal for a heterosexual woman", but, "how many women have an attraction to other women".

you might find its quite a few. And why are you worried about what your hubby feels about a former relationship, did he think you were a celibate and saving yourself?

If you are genuinely sexually attracted to both genders, you are bisexual.

I do know what you mean about not realising truly hetero women aren't ever attracted to women.
I also always assumed that was normal and that almost all women would find women more attractive than men. People even told me 'Yeah it's generally agreed that women are the more attractive sex'

Took me a very long time to realise when most women look at other attractive women they are looking at their outfits or shoes, and wondering where she bought it, not looking at the curve of their neck or lips or boobs. I just thought it was normal, that it didn't make me gay. I didn't even really notice that I never found men attractive because I never even noticed the men!
I never really talked to female friends about this stuff either because I kept my guard up with female friends!

Relationships with men were based on emotional or mental connection or a sense of safety. Never that 'wow I want to stick my hand down his pants' feeling. Again, I just thought this was normal!

Anyway if you are attracted to both then you are bisexual. It's a shame the bf you told was such an uptight dick about it. I think whatever you do don't suppress your awareness of this and don't try to explain it away, just accept that you are bi. You can still be perfectly happy with your current partner.

This.

I have honestly never felt any kind of attraction towards a woman. Not even fleeting. I can appreciate an attractive woman of course but never had any feelings of a sexual nature.

I too would suggest you are bisexual but it doesn’t matter, unless you are thinking of acting on these feelings in the future? It doesn’t sound like that’s what your intention is however. You don’t need a label.

I am like you, OP, in that my serious relationships have been with men but I find women sexually attractive and have had a couple of short term relationships with them. I never thought of myself as bisexual though because the relationships happened when I was very young and experimenting with a lot of things. Like you I thought most women were similar to me - (some) women are just so beautiful and sexy I thought it was a given. I also have had very close female friends who I don't fancy per se but I feel very strongly for in a way that can be almost romantic.

I don't use the term "bisexual" though because that implies my feelings for women are more 50-50 than thry are. Also I don't feel I need a label to understand myself. I am very happy with my current male partner, who knows about my feelings for women and isn't bothered in the slightest by it. But I wouldn't rule out a relationship with a woman if I was ever single again.

Very rarely felt the odd attraction to another woman in life, I suppose many of us are on a scale. Have tried kissing a couple of women when drunk, but it feels weird to me compared to a man (much softer), although some men are lots better at kissing than others.
I also know I'd miss PIV with a woman and can't imagine going down on one - however receiving is probably often a lot better than some men would be at it, as another woman would in general have a better idea of how to go about it I would think. So I'd guess I'm more hetero, although had odd flutter of excitement induced by a female. We are what we are and what matters is being happy, whoever you are with.

OP nothing has changed about you. You haven't become different to other women or who you were last month.

We have a social narrative of LGB people either being out or being in the closet about their sexuality. There isn't a narrative about not hiding your sexuality, but just not fully realising it until later in life - and then realising that it didn't just start, but we've always been like that especially in the case of bi women.

I am like you and have always been attracted to women, but because I was also attracted to men (plus the environment I grew up in), I somehow slipped into the heterosexual narrative and didn't fully realise that heterosexual (attracted to the opposite sex) women didn't fancy both (bi) sexes, at all.

And think about it. In the media including TV shows where are the normal bi people? On the odd occasion someone is actually bi, they're usually framed as somewhat abnormal/untrustworthy or something slightly negative. They're never regular Joe/Jane. There's actually a term for men who fancy men but identify as heterosexual, not bisexual "men who have sex with men", but no equivalent for women. The whole area of bisexuality is just misrepresented and misunderstood, so the fact that we don't have ways to understand our sexuality fully growing up or even later in life, isn't surprising.

Also think about LGB(T) (T in brackets because it's not about sexual attraction) and pride movements and other visible representations. It's often people who are quite out there or it's framed as "other". I found it strange to think that I was bi because it meant I was in that group for other people, even though I have a fair amount of gay and lesbian friends and acquaintances who are just as boring as me - and I'd never even thought about any of that before. So, you may think of it all differently, my point is that you will have some ideas about it in your head, that you have soaked up without realising it. I found speaking with a therapist helped to get my thoughts in order. I wasn't remotely troubled about it - nothing to be troubled about because I was perfectly happy with my attraction to women! - I just wanted to understand my thoughts better and needed someone who could help with that.

What I can't get my head around - but I'll live 😉 - is how heterosexual women miss out on experiencing the physical attractiveness of women!

I'm hetroexual but yes I have been attracted to women. I've never done anything though. I wouldn't be attracted to certain body parts so I know I'm hetro. I've known women love men all their lives and suddenly leave their husbands for women . They wouldn't class themselves as anything in particular. You fancy who you fancy I guess