Is this ‘normal’ for a heterosexual woman?

[Perplexed0522]

Hi everyone,

I’m a 34 year old woman, I have been married for almost 7 years and I have two young children aged 4 and 2.

I’d always been attracted to males when I was at school and college and I always had boyfriends, but for some reason, when I was 17/18 years old I found myself feeling attracted to a few famous women. I used to print off photos of them wearing bikinis or provocative outfits and then stick them all over my college folders and workbooks etc. I used to feel very aroused when I looked at the images of them and also if I saw the women on TV, in music videos for example or in films.

My attraction towards the women lasted for about 6 months and then I met a guy, got into a relationship with him and my feelings towards those women just faded away.

I had never felt attracted to any women in real life, it was purely just these famous women.

However, when I was 21 years old I met a woman at a party and instantly I felt attracted to her, as did she to me. We didn’t really leave each other’s side, we were very flirtatious, finding reasons to touch each other etc and it all felt so taboo as she was actually there with her boyfriend. At one point when we were alone she went to kiss me but we got interrupted and then she and her boyfriend quickly left soon after. I sort of shrugged it off as just a bit of fun but I have never forgotten about it or the exhilaration I felt on that night.

Two years later, completely out of the blue, the same woman got in touch with me, confessed she had been attracted to me that night at the party and asked if we could meet up. I was single at the time, I remembered how attracted I had felt towards her at that party so I thought “why not?!” So I did meet up with her and we had a 4 month ‘thing’ which included us being sexual with each other.

Anyhow, that was about 10 years ago now but I think about it all the time. If I’m ever having some “alone time” it’s her I fantasise about - every time.

I have never had any other kind of intimacy with any another woman apart from her. Sometimes though I do feel some kind of attraction to odd woman I meet and wonder what it would be like to kiss them.

But I’m also very attracted to men and if I see good looking, sexy men then I do feel aroused when I look at them. Not in a serious way as obviously I’m married, but I certainly have feelings of “phwoar!!!” and find myself thinking the odd naughty thought about them.

I fancy my husband very much and we have a good sex life, about 2-3 times a week which we are both happy with.

I’m just so confused.

I remember about 6 years ago I was talking to a female friend, we were both tipsy, and I asked her if she had ever been sexually attracted to another woman. She laughed it off and said, “God no!” and I said to her, “What never?!” - as I genuinely couldn’t believe that a woman wouldn’t be attracted to another women every now and then.

Even now, the idea of women being sexually attracted to other woman just seems to be so normal. I’m genuinely surprised if a women tells me she’s never been sexually attracted to another woman. It just doesn’t make sense to me that it’s not a common occurrence.

So what’s going on?

Am I heterosexual with common (but unspoken) feelings and attitudes towards other women? Or am I bisexual? I don’t know.

I just need to get it off my chest as I have nobody in real life I can talk to.

I can’t log back in again until tomorrow night but I would really like to hear people’s thoughts to try and give me some clarity.

Thank you.

What, as old as the queen?

Wow - that’s quite a tale!!!

So with your first husband, did he eventually admit to you that he was gay or did you just know and therefore left him?

You could be bisexual and heteroromantic. ie. attracted to men and women but only wish to have relationships with men.
But the label doesn't matter at the end of the day.
You have sexual feelings towards men and women and there's no point comparing yourself to heterosexual women and asking if they are attracted to women too, because no one else's sexuality is of any relevance to yours at all.

@Perplexed0522 The sex tailed off, we tried an open marriage for a while as we still got on well, but he was "seeing" men only, and hanging around gay hookup places, so it was just obvious he was gay, didn't really ever have to be spelled out (he married a man later on). I left him because I fell in love with a man I had a fling with (he was married to a woman but bisexual, a swinger, and also in an open marriage).

Looking at it all now from a distance of more than 20 years it does sound a bit of a wild ride. If you saw me now (plump unfashionable middle-aged married professional with adult stepchildren and teen children) you wouldn't think it!

I used to identify as bisexual but now I've got into Catholicism, so I don't do much homosexualism anymore.

Everyone's different and might decide to act or not act on their desires in different ways.

I used to identify as bisexual but now I've got into Catholicism, so I don't do much homosexualism anymore.

So you have just switched off the way you feel about women? Or are you still attracted to them but just don’t act on it anymore?

I think, OP, that what stands out on this thread is just how wide a range there is.
There are women who identify as hetero who:
Have never once been attracted to women / Have been attracted to women /Have had sex or flings with women.
Women who identify as gay but have occasional attractions to men. Women who identify as bi but prefer mainly one gender.

I think when people are bi it can be normal for the degree of that bi-ness to ebb and wane. Women's sexuality can be a bit fluid. So maybe you are a bit bi and missing the touch of a woman a bit at the moment.

For me, I also used to say that I could not imagine a relationship with a woman but it turned out I was just telling myself that, I didn't want to have to deal with society knowing me as gay and it was internalised homophobia - it was fine for anyone except myself to be gay. And I could only face being gay in secret, not set my life up that way and walk down the street with an obviously gay woman. I had no issue with anyone else being gay, so did not recognize this as homophobia, but it was internalised homophobia, and fear if rejection by others. But I only dreamed or fantasised about women. I did not truly fancy men sexually though I very much liked them as people and romantically.

One day I looked at my bf - who knew btw from day 1 that I was bi, and the relationship was already on its last legs due to a breach of trust by him (he had decided not to tell me he was still married and someone else told me 2 years in). I looked at him and thought, 'I cannot face spending the rest of my life never touching a woman again'. Followed by 'Well, could I spend the rest of my life never touching a man again? Yes, easily!' Once I made the switch I could never conceive of going back. Besides the joy of actually being sexually attracted to my gf, sharing home space on visits with a woman is so much lovelier and smooth flowing than with a man.

For you, it does sound like you are very firmly sexually attracted to men with fleeting times of fancying women. So in sexual terms maybe you are bi. Try the IDR labs test.

I know quite a few women who've identified as heterosexual their entire lives, married to men/dating men, never had any sexual affairs with women (that they've talked about anyway) and then when those relation ended, met a woman they fell in love with and now live as a gay couple.

They've all said that they never thought of themselves as bi or gay - but I do wonder if that's just because like you, they hadn't met the right woman yet, and fancied men enough to date them. They did all later say they had really fancied other women at various times but just assumed all heterosexual women did.... If your 4 month fling had become serious, you'd be with a woman not your DH making you bisexual at the very least. So just because you are not fancying women left right and centre doesn't mean you don't fancy or are unable to have sexual relationships with them.

I'm heterosexual, quite open sexually and honestly the thought of kissing or going down on a woman or having it reciprocated is very very unappealing. I find other women attractive but never to the point I could flirt with them or be sexually attracted. I think if you are able to cross that barrier of being physically intimate with a woman, you aren't heterosexual. But the label shouldn't make a difference to you. You're happily married to your male DH so you can be in a heterosexual relationship but still be bisexual. And no one needs to know that unless of course at some point you decide to leave DH and fall for a woman.

For you, it does sound like you are very firmly sexually attracted to men with fleeting times of fancying women. So in sexual terms maybe you are bi.

I’m definitely more male focused. I find men much more sexually attractive than women. For example, when I’m sitting on a beach it’s the half naked male bodies I’m staring at and not the women 😂

If someone said to me, “Do you want to and stand in a room full of incredibly attractive men or a room full of incredibly attractive women!” I would be running to the men’s room 😂

When I think about sexuality, I would much rather watch two men kiss than two women kiss. Although I had that experience when I was younger I don’t find the idea of two women kissing appealing at all.

I imagine my experience with the other woman when I much younger was probably just a short lived experimentation stage and as fun as it was, that’s all it was.

Making sexuality an identity is a cultural concept built on a few hundred years drive to categorize everything, ourselves included. Some find that helpful to have a word for their feelings that others share and it can be useful to discuss things generally - generally, someone who is attracted to both sexes is bisexual -
but it's never going to entirely fit everyone's individual experiences and the current push that the most important thing is for us to know what label to put on ourselves can cause more harm than good.

There are people who've had same sex sexual experiences who view themselves as straight or simple don't categorize themselves by sexuality. That's actually perfectly fine, you're not going to cause any harm by viewing yourself as heterosexual based on only seeing yourself in a relationship with your husband going forward. As long as you're applying it to yourself and don't apply that to others, it's fine.

It sucks that you had a partner that pushed you to not discuss parts of your past. That's fucked up. I personally don't get not discussing previous partners or anything with my husband. I think if there is anyone we should be able to discuss something with, it's the person we've committed to. I imagine that ex has made considering all this more difficult for you.

I guess I always associated bisexuals having a 50/50 attraction to both sexes, regular sexual contact or regular sexual relationships with both sexes

No, though this is a common idea in a lot of media, but just as monosexual people can have preferences or simply limitations of experiences, the same happens for bisexuals, just as committed monogamous relationships can happen for us too.

I’m worried that the ‘real me’ has been suppressed due to me genuinely thinking that my past experiences (and the way I still feel about women) was pretty typical for most women, but I’m now realising that it’s not.

Yeah, I've been through fearing I'm being suppressed, largely from being pushed by 'friends' that acted like I wasn't really happy as I was, it was just internalized heteronormativity.

It was really painful and horrible time, but when I could step out of that space, I could see that while our experiences differed, it didn't make mine or my perspective and happiness wrong. My day to day life didn't need to fit the theory or the categorizes set, those are just as temporary and transient as everything else and I don't need to base myself on them.

I'm like you, OP. I think I always just assumed that everyone fancies women at least a bit so this thread has been an eye-opener.

I'm happily married to a man so it makes no odds, but say I was widowed and I was looking for a new partner, I'd consider a woman as much as a man. My aunt did similarly- lived most of her life as a straight woman then, after being widowed at 63, found a new female partner. It was great!

OP, given that you are happy with your husband, it sounds to me like the reason why your mind is wandering back to this is because maybe on some level, you regret not experimenting more before settling down. Similar to a woman who might have married her first boyfriend quite young, the only person she had sex with. Even if she really loves her husband, maybe a part of her drifts off every now again, fantasising what it would have been like to live in a houseshare, going to parties and sleeping around a bit or experimenting.

I very occasionally fancy women but am much more into men. I've slept with 2 women and I enjoyed the closeness and intimacy of it but it didn't do anything for me sexually and it turned me off a little if I'm honest. So I say I'm heterosexual because when it comes down to it, I can't do the sexual side with women. But I try not to label myself.

Not accurate test idrlabs

Surely it is obvious that if you sexually desire women as well as men then you are bisexual? By definition. The only thing that makes this recognition vexed and momentous is the idea that bisexuality is an 'identity' rather than a simple restatement of the fact that you are attracted to women as well as men.