Support group for partners of adhd adults

[Gioia1]

Would love to hear from partners who desl with their adhd partners without losing hope

Yes, I love my DP. We’ve been together 3 years. He is kind, compassionate, caring, generous and loving… but he has no idea where his keys are EVER! I have to remind him about all sorts of things he’d otherwise forget. He starts things and then struggles to finish them. Sometimes it drives me nuts (and drives him twice as nuts) but mostly it’s just him and any niggling annoyance is made up for by his caring nature.

I did grow up with an ADHD sister though so I’m sort of used to the chaos!

We both have ADHD, and so do both of my children (11 and nearly 15).

It was knowing and understanding my own ADHD which made me realise my partner needed assessing, as he's experienced the same things I have previously when thrown into the situations he has been ie moving in together and life admin ramping up, complete loss of sex drive and he's not looking after his personal hygiene at all (even I never stopped looking after mine).

He's still waiting for assessment. I'm also physically disabled and cannot do the cleaning and tidying I need to, but generally neither does he do it. His bad habits, lack of physical interest in me and serious executive dysfunction have almost entirely split us up but I'm holding out for help.

What main problems have you experienced because of it?

I'm not sure this thread will go down well on here..

Thanks @XmasElf10

It is a lonely marriage but better than an abusive one.

Ha!

You do realise ADHD is really just a series of character traits. I don’t think my husband feels he is about to ‘lose hope’ with me and who I am any more than I do with his character traits that I have to live with.

What is it specifically that is making you lose hope about them?

I have ADHD. Just popping on to say that it's perfectly reasonable to have a support thread for partners of people with ADHD. It is a hard condition for me to live with and it can be hard for partners too. Poor executive functioning and emotional dysregulation affects not only the person with ADHD but everyone around them. There's a reason why people with ADHD can struggle with friendships and struggle to hold down long term relationships. Just wanted to flag support for you as I imagine you are going to get a number of posters suggesting that you shouldn't need support and a place to vent and seek opinions and strategies, which I think is extremely unfair. Good luck with your thread and in your relationships!

My partner had ADHD and so does my adult son. There has been many times I would love some support. Of course it can be difficult for everyone around them.

Has not had

I have it and ended a very long term relationship because my partner couldn't cope with it and put me down over it. He thought I did things on purpose to "wind him up" when I don't have the bandwidth to even consider that. I'm often late, lose things, forget things, hyperfocal to the detriment of priorities, but manage to hold down a lecturing job. I function better at work than with life admin.

am endeavouring to hear and learn from different people’s experiences of how they cope as the non adhd partner. In particular how they keep a positive calm outlook on things.

Am friends with a couple in their late fifties/early sixties. They’ve being married for 36yrs together 37. I recently spent 10 days living with them on holiday and one quality I saw she displayed constantly is ‘goodness’.
Am working on that because I feel it encompasses qualities such as patience and kindness

@ImJustMadAboutSaffron I appreciate
your honesty

@User89174648495 get out of my thread. Feel free to report this but I couldn’t care less about your thoughts and opinions.

@Alovelydayatlast i like that description although if one refuses to manage it and therefore unintentionally creates dangers like not turning gas off cooking and then going off kayaking for 4hrs whilst am sleeping upstairs with a toddler or leaving a pan of pasta to boil till it’s burnt to ashes etc i think that’s terribly unkind.

@Sunnygirl1 if you have something to share do. Am interested in listening. I’ve been reading Melissa Orlov’s book and reading the community blog on her website.
very insightful

@TooManyPJs thanks for expressing your views

What exactly are you losing hope with? Adhd can be managed and medicated, but the person with it needs to take responsibility for that. If your life is being made difficult because of their unwillingness to manage their condition.. that’s about them not the adhd.

@Gioia1 we're at the beginning of this process. DH has always had organizational issues and is classic ADHD with struggles going back to childhood but not properly diagnosed or dealt with.
I was perusing the mums net threads last year and came across one about adhd in adults and it was a complete revelation and suddenly everything fitted in to place.
DH is now going through the diagnostic process with the help of a great gp and psychologist. He has GAD as well so starting with that to see if easing the anxiety symptoms can help with the adhd.
I think the diagnosis has helped both of us quite a bit. I have been more accepting and now at a point where I realise certain things won't change not because he won't but because he can't. He is more open to recognizing when and where he needs support.
I was really struggling as I often felt like I had a teenager and two young dc with no support. We had a frank discussion where I said I needed to switch things up to keep my head above water.

Things that have helped:
A cleaner to do some of the deep cleaning
Designating some specific fixed chores
Fixed quarterly days off to cover life admin
Medication for the anxiety
Streamlining the processes for everything.

He really likes structure but isn't great at creating it himself in a balanced way so we've worked together on this. The more structured things are the better family life is but when a spanner gets thrown in the works (frequently) we can both acknowledge that I'm better placed to create the solution that works for all of us. It sounds weirdly controlling but he feels so much pressure in that type of situation that he doesn't know where to start or how to prioritize everything.

And yes- having a place to share and receive support as a spouse is so important. I'm involved with all of DH's appointments (at his request), strategies and am his main support. I love him to bits but it can be exhausting and I don't know anyone else IRL in the same boat so it's difficult to share.

*psychiatrist. Although he is booked in for sessions with a psychologist too once the meds are established and stable.

I would also find a support thread for partners useful. I have abused my husband over the years for sleeping in, lateness, lack of organisation and for having no sex drive etc. I'm thoroughly ashamed. I would never name call but I would make him feel very bad about it without considering that he cannot help these things. His diagnosis is fairly recent but we have known that he has adhd for a while. His parents can't accept it and just think he was a naughty and lazy child. The thing is he's expectionally bright and motivated but his condition holds him back. I have something also so we have clashed for 10 years but I would love a place to discuss different struggles and ways to support my partner. Although neurodiversity awareness is only just taking off in today's world and its great for the new generations, we can abandon our adults who are finally getting the answers they've been searching for all their lives. My husband has felt so conflicted with his diagnosis, very relieved but also anxious and upset that his brain is working against his desire to be 'normal'.

I hope this thread goes better than the one I tried to start. My husband started seeing a psychotherapist who ADHD himself. It was a game changer

Hello 👋
DH was diagnosed last year, not medicated and sometimes a pain in the arse to live with because of his neurodiversity.

I'm interested in hearing about coping strategies too. The diagnosis has been helpful but the issues don't go away and it's sometimes lonely as a spouse.

My husband is forgetful, disorganised and doesn't give tasks 100% effort. It's been v frustrating as he lies or makes excuses when he's forgotten something. It's like his go-to defence. I was always patient and supportive but that's faded over the years with the pressures of life falling on my shoulders.
We've been together for 18 years, but due to these issues I'm looking to seperate, it's killed the love I felt years ago. I always thought some of the things he did were just thoughtless or deliberate, but now think it could be ADHD, got him to go to the GP about 18 months ago, but still waiting for an assessment (which, of course he hasn't chased up) He doesn't take responsibility or act emotionally available, i always felt like he's more like a teenager, not sure if all this is Adhd, but it's very stressful for me. Sorry, nothing positive from me!

@Adhdwife I think it was a post of yours that I was reading one night that put everything into such a different light. I recognized so much of what you mentioned and it really put everything in perspective so thank you! Much reading and a few gentle (and not so gentle) conversations and here we are. No drastic changes but feeling much less hopeless.

And yes, lonely really sums it up some days.

@Sisiwawa my Dh had a few false starts with appointments. I had to schedule us both off work for the day, book an appointment with gp and go with him. He has very much minimized the impact on himself and those around him so I was very blunt with our (amazing) GP about the extent of the impact.

Ahead of the psychiatrist appointment I wrote a very blunt summary email of the struggles he has and the impact on himself and everyone else. For the record DH does not disagree with anything I put in there but he was surprised looking at the scope of it just how much it was impacting everyone.

I think the undiagnosed and newly diagnosed definitely presents more problems within in marriage. I'm sitting here with my work laptop and a cuppa having just done the school run and he's up in bed. I've spent 12 years arguing with him about 'sleeping in' only I know now it's because he physically can't get up. We have missed flights due to this! Nobody would choose to sabotage their own life like that surely. Does anyone have any experience of sleep patterns improving once treatment has started. He suffers terribly with migraines too. It's a really unfair condition really as I look at what appears to be a healthy 40 year old man and struggle to sympathise with his 'laziness' and 'messiness' but thinking back at his little face over the years when I've had a go, breaks my heart. It was always the face of a child that was getting told off. Also yes to the 'teenager' comparison! I can relate.

@spottygymbag That's good to hear.
The biggest breakthrough is when a partner acknowledges the symptoms and the impact and is then willing to try to find strategies which help both of you.

My DH has a quick wit and great sense of humour - we are now able to laugh about how it affects him, he now doesn't take umbrage when I point out something he's done or not done which is clearly ADHD.

@Gioia1 I'm interested in hearing more about your friends that you mention and the dynamics of their relationship. What do you mean by she displays 'goodness' as I am also trying yo be more patient and kind. I feel bad that I'm resentful towards my husband over things he cannot control.

@LadyLothbrook sleep is the one thing Dh has never had any issues with. Any place, any time. Getting up has always been challenging though.

We set it so he does morning school run most days so I can start early and finish early. Also his role is more likely to run into the evening so it's easier for me to do the afternoons. It was a nightmare at first but we have refined it down to a much better process now. And he's better if I stay out of the way. He's kind of worked out his own method but if I get amongst it and "help" it completely throws him. I also get as much ready as possible the night before because if he wanders upstairs to find a missing sock next thing you know he's segued into changing the sheets, the dc still aren't dressed and everyone is late.

I think the saving Grace for us is that dh is absolutely a contributor to all aspects of our family. If something needs to be done within a timeframe I have to be very specific or it will be avoided (anxiety) or half finished, or become an absolutely obsessive project (adhd) but he does actually want to be involved. We can laugh about it a bit these days and make light of it but the learning curve continues.