Support group for partners of adhd adults

[Gioia1]

Would love to hear from partners who desl with their adhd partners without losing hope

@LadyLothbrook Don't be too hard on yourself - it's tough for both of you.

I still get frustrated with DH even though we now know he can't help most of the annoying behaviour. Coming to a place of acceptance that things aren't going to change is difficult and we're both trying to find coping strategies.
I don't know if I'll ever feel equal rather than partly a mother figure/organiser.

We've agreed we both need to spend more time apart pursuing our own interests and with our separate friends(that's true in any relationship, but especially important with an ADHD partner I think).

@Adhdwife thank you. It's so good to hear experiences from others, it helps me not feel so guilty about being mean to him about these little traits of his. Today was a good day as I was over talking which I often do and just going on and on, and actually asked me if we could end the conversation and begin our film. The old me would have been offended or insulted but I realised that I'd just drilled his head for a good 30/40 mins and he had listened for as long as he could. He did apologise for reaching his limit for conversation. The communication is much better. Do you think we handled that right?

@LadyLothbrook If you're communicating effectively and happily, that sounds great.
I also think about 'old me' and 'new (post diagnosis) me' and find it helpful.

There's lots of stuff which would have annoyed me before, but knowing the reasons for these things means we can have an adult conversation if they're important. I'm far more tolerant now, and so is DH.

Oh I have found my tribe!!

@spottygymbag i could have written your posts.

It’s tough going and it’s all pretty-much invisible to anyone from ‘outside’. I’ve survived by teaching my parents about it, being obsessively organised, being much more flexible than anyone realises, and often reminding myself that despite all of the downsides DH is loving, affectionate and a great dad.

@spottygymbag that's a great help too. I was looking for ways to make it work without burdening myself with having to deal with everything. Thanks.

Thanks Spottygymbag, good advice.
You all seem very patient and willing to tolerate things. Not sure if I can...
I saw on a website about Adhd and Marriage and the advice was to 'lower your expectations!'
That just makes me feel sad, or maybe I'm also stuck in my ways...Will try harder.

@Sisiwawa the patience is wearing thin today. DH has a lot going on at work and it spills over to home life so this week, and today in particular, has been challenging.
I can always tell because he leaves more of his "chaos trail" behind him in the house and today it looked like every drawer in the house had exploded.

I've put away what I can and now taken myself out for a walk and coffee before work. It's so important to prioritize your own well being otherwise you end up totally consumed by the organizing of everything else!

Also the cleaner is coming today so I feel much less pressure and will be able to focus on work and getting everything sorted for the dc tonight- dinner, pjs, uniform for tomorrow etc

Hi @VerveClique, welcome to the gang.

Invisible to those outside perfectly sums it up! DH is very successful in career but our life only works because I'm part time and carry all of the admin. Have had to bite my tongue numerous times when MIL has asked what I do to support my husband!

Oh yes the ILs!! “you two really do have a wonderful life don’t you”….

I’ve told my DM that if ever she encounters anything of ours that’s been organised in some way (eg leaving the house, a meal, a present, a holiday or day trip, the wearing of particular clothes, a big sorting out session, DCs arriving on time to their clubs), then it was me that was behind it.

@VerveClique yes it's the same here. I've found it hard sometimes because I've been called controlling. The thing is though I can see at a glance when DD is heading towards a meltdown, DS is overtired, or dh is struggling with stress, lack of patience or being overwhelmed.

I've learnt the hard way what happens if I ignore those signs and it's not pretty for anyone and I know that dh struggles to interpret the signs or make an effective plan to head it all off at the pass. So to an outsider it looks like I've jumped in and decided for my own sake that we need to leave the bbq or that we have to leave at this exact time or whatever. Slowly learning to care less about what others think but I don't enjoy the judgement.

@spottygymbag @VerveClique same.

'wifework' x several million.

DH also has dyslexia to the level of which it's taken me 24 years to realise the extent of. He doesn't read anything AT ALL willingly - mostly due to concentration but also REALLY shit teachers and education who consigned him to the remedial class and tied his hand behind his beck because he was left handed so he would write with his right hand (! - yes he isn't a Victorian - this was 1970s). I literally do ALL reading of letters in this house. So yes - I too have been called controlling - most gallingly by a therapist to DH - who then went on to withdraw from therapy because she could not deal with him and also had 'feelings' for him 🤯😨🤬 - FFS - but that's another story. He is in fact incredibly intelligent in quite specific ways - best summed up thus:

“One of the major difficulties Trillian experienced in her relationship with Zaphod was learning to distinguish between him pretending to be stupid just to get people off their guard, pretending to be stupid because he couldn't be bothered to think and wanted someone else to do it for him, pretending to be outrageously stupid to hide the fact that he actually didn’t understand what was going on, and really being genuinely stupid. He was renowned for being amazingly clever and quite clearly was so—but not all the time, which obviously worried him, hence, the act. He preferred people to be puzzled rather than contemptuous.”
― Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

It is really hard to deal with someone like this - but balanced out by charisma and sparky creativity. Our DSs are the same 🙄.

So yes - we do need a space to talk about this stuff. ADHD marriages break down many times more often than NT ones: fact.

Its a hell of a lot easier for us now that we have proper dignosis and meds, but that also took a toll on my mental health as it was a big big deal at the time. No idea why I didn't click many years earlier TBH

Also I could kick myself - I enrolled for this talk and forgot about it yesterday www.eventbrite.com/e/stowe-talks-the-impact-of-adhd-on-relationships-tickets-333478311607?keep_tld=1 Might be worth following them fro any similar - Michelle Beckett is amazing. Worth quoting on her for the stats:

"About this event

Estimates vary, but some studies suggest that the divorce rate among couples touched by ADHD is as much as twice that of the general population.

So how does ADHD affect love and marriage? What are the challenges people with ADHD face? And how can they be overcome?

In this special edition of Stowe talks, we are joined by Michelle Beckett from ADHD Unlocked, an online members-only community specifically designed for adults grappling with ADHD, as she joins us to share expertise and personal journey on how ADHD affects relationships.

In this session, Michelle will cover:

What ADHD is and why most adults with the condition have no idea that they have it

WHY and HOW it impacts on relationships, from both the perspective of the ADHDer and their partner

How these issues can be resolved so that a relationship can thrive

Why adults with ADHD are more vulnerable to abuse, and why they keep going in the ‘wrong’ relationships

How to build self-esteem through understanding your ADHD after a relationship breakdown or divorce

Michelle was diagnosed with ADHD at the age of 44 after a suicidal crisis nearly claimed her life.

Since then, she has worked as an advocate for reducing stigma and widening understanding of ADHD, and also works as a lobbyist, coach, mentor, and educator.

She spearheaded the All Party Parliamentary Group for ADHD, and is a media spokesperson. Recent appearances include BBC Victoria Derbyshire, BBC Radio 4, Radio 5 Live, LBC, The Times, The Mirror, Women's Health, SEN Magazine, Additude Magazine, The Guardian.

She is one of the co-authors of the UK scientific consensus paper for Females with ADHD published in BMC Psychiatry, and is working towards an ATP Diploma in Psychological Therapies. She is also a Certified Exceptional Trainer from the Institute of Learning and Management.

Michelle also trains and coaches individuals, businesses, charities, psychiatrists, GPs, teachers and social workers on ADHD.

She’s been divorced twice, so has learned from personal experience and also from supporting other adults just how deep an impact ADHD has on relationships, and why.

Sarah Barr-Young is the Managing Partner of our Leeds, Ilkley and Huddersfield offices and has far-reaching family law experience. She is widely regarded for her expertise in complex cases involving allegations of domestic abuse and safeguarding issues. She is frequently chosen for her empathy and unrivalled approachability, and as such, a large majority of her clients choose her due to personal recommendations.:

My husband is going through the diagnosis route now. It’s been quite enlightening for him and I’m pleased. His family brushed away his underachieving as laziness and still won’t acknowledge he has all of the key symptoms and it’s pretty clear.

Practically we have assigned roles in the house. He does laundry I do cooking, we share the general day to day clean up and I do the admin with deadlines (bills etc) I do the morning school drop and he goes the afternoon.

My boyfriend has ADHD, and was diagnosed last year. I'd find a support thread helpful because I have anxiety and many of the things that he cannot help - emotional deregulation, bluntness, lack of planning ability - trigger my anxieties about how he feels about our relationship and while I can rationally know that he loves me and can't help his behaviour, I am keen to find strategies for me to cope (and to help him).

I would be interested in hearing what, if any, co-morbidities your adhd partners have, how it impacts the adhd and how it's addressed in conjunction with the adhd.

Dh has depression which has been long diagnosed, and generalized anxiety disorder as well (new diagnosis).

This has meant the psychiatrist wants to make sure the GAD is really well managed before trying any adhd meds in case the stimulant ramps up the anxiety.

Anyone else?

Hi everyone I just recovering from the flu.

am gonna read the posts I’ve missed..

Wow! Thank you for your openness and honesty. I last posted on the 19th and just caught up. Am so happy that others find this thread helpful as I am currently fed up of having all the knowledge and understanding and insight into this condition yet my H refuses to read even a line about ADHD.

This is a space for those who have adhd partners male or female NOT for adults with ADHD. Am here because I want to learn from partners in similar shoes.

he was diagnosed in 2019 and I will never forget what the psychiatrist said when i questioned the results.
“80% of how he thinks, the way he emotes, reasons reacts etc is not like other men with adhd “

I’m seeing a therapist myself now because for 5 years I lost myself.

is it the :
parent-child dynamic?
the learned helplessness ?
the RSD?
the stubborn refusal to accept it’s an issue in our lives?
the lack of reciprocity?
the ‘I was good enough for my father and mother’
the “I faill because you want me to fail”( like I have the power to make it rain if I wanted it to)
i could go on but am sure most of you understand what I mean.

The worst is refusing therapy or meds or even coming up without strategies himself to manage his life and improve executive functioning skills.

Am learning to change my behaviour and respond rather than react to his symptoms

@LadyLothbrook honestly I wouldn’t be able to define the goodness she displays.For one thing her having dealt with her resentment over the years and not letting it hang in the air so to speak is part of it. I know that I am very cross and maybe resentful because I feel I’ve been taken for a fool. My H choose me for certain qualities I possess which meant that had I not realised and started questioning things that it wasn’t a personality clash type problems we were having rather the effects of adhd in marriage I would have just carried on being the the parent, coach, assistant, father, counsellor, and maid of a grown adult.

I see a lot of your partners are actively seeking diagnosis or working on diagnosis. That makes a huge difference. Mine won’t engage in any shape or form. He was referred to a life coach but went only three times
To be clear ADHD doesn’t kill relationships. It is the non managing of the symptoms that does.
The onus is on me to examine my behaviour and carve out a space for myself so I can learn to forgive myself for the wrong choice I made in marrying him.

To be clear ADHD doesn’t kill relationships. It is the non managing of the symptoms that does.

my dad is a psychiatric nurse so he’s understands me well

It can be challenging and frustrating. Lack of emotion, communication, forgetfulness, obsessions and the constant new interests because he gets bored and/or completes something...

The thing that made us better, was my education on ADHD and realising he genuinely cannot help some things. Now DH knows what's up, he's more relaxed. Before, I'd be less tolerant when say, I'd asked him to do or get something, multiple times, and it not have happened. Now, DH says I'm much calmer when it happens and just roll my eyes.

It's still not easy, but he's a wonderful man. Strangely, dairy really exacerbates his symptoms, so switching to dairy free has helped so much.

Some of what you describe has a flavour of ASD - and there is often some overlap, particularly the lack of reciprocity and defensiveness.

I’ve always known him to repeat things from adverts on the radio or tv or even echoing my last sentence in exactly the same tone. He said he’s done that all his life. When talking he never makes eye contact with me or anybody else for that matter. I’ve often told him that although he’s not diagnosed ASD I think he’s on the spectrum.
All my reading, understanding and gaining if insight into his ADHD has really helped me that much because he is in complete and utter denial of it all and how it affects our relationship.
It’s like trying to pedal a bike with only one foot.
I no longer beg him to get help or do anything as the more I talk about it to him, the more stubbornly he refuses to do anything.

So I focus on maintaining my sense of self, engaging as always with friends and family and most importantly I’ve stopped the parenting. I was always living in hyper vigilance mode thinking ten steps ahead of how to fix things he messed up.

@Gioia1

I haven't read your other posts, but this caught my eye -

I no longer beg him to get help or do anything as the more I talk about it to him, the more stubbornly he refuses to do anything

Some people are just like this anyway - it's not necessarily ADHD or Austim related. They have a real issue with people asking them to do anything, because it's always seen as you telling them what to do, and they will react like a petulant, stubborn child to it. They simply cannot see that you are asking for help.

Some of that is related to a lack of trust in other people - maybe they've had an overbearing parent growing up or have been stepped on too many times so they overcorrect and think that people are wresting for power with them, 'telling them what to do' when they're not.

Some men don't like women asking them to do anything because of sexist or chauvinistic reasons - they see it as a power struggle and they will show you, the little woman, who's boss by resisting or making your life difficult.

I don't know what you're asking him, or begging him to do, but your relationship really shouldn't be this much hard work.

@EarthSight then read not just my post but others as well

Just updating in case anyone finds this thread useful. We had DH's second psych apt yesterday. They had swapped his antidepressants to better deal with the anxiety. Its gone well and he's been much more relaxed but the adhd is still very obvious. There was a chance that decreasing the anxiety would reduce the adhd symptoms but that hasn't been the case here. The next couple of weeks will be a withdrawal from the old meds and establishing a solid emotional baseline. At the next appointment DH will likely be offered a stimulant trial. So fingers crossed this all falls into place.
Even though life is still chaotic and I'm shouldering far too much responsibility for him and in our family, I feel hopeful. It sort of feels like a grown up has arrived and will make everything ok 😂