Support group for partners of adhd adults

[Gioia1]

Would love to hear from partners who desl with their adhd partners without losing hope

I’m reading this as the mother of a young man with (undiagnosed) ADHD/possibly some autism into the mix too.

Have found the thread uplifting sometimes, but mostly sad - and very, very recognisable. My DS’s teenage years were a nightmare of everything @spottygymbag describes and worse (though with me not knowing why).

Now I find it very difficult to maintain a relationship with him which of course is a source of grief but I must try and accept. I had such hopes as he was really a sweet boy.

From his teenage years I sometimes imagined him bringing home a nice girlfriend. He never has of course. The killer is though that I’d feel terribly sorry for any girl getting involved with him. I can’t imagine it anyway though, for what woman could put up with the nightmare behaviour @spottygymbag describes? Honestly, @spottygymbag my heart goes out to you.

I should add my son has his pluses of course! He’s intelligent, deep (sometimes way beyond his years), and can be very funny. But set against the unreliability, passivity, miserableness, chaos, RSD and anger - it’s not enough to maintain a happy relationship. Even with his own mother …

I find myself feeling sorry for him, and there is so much grief in that as well as (my own) loss of relationship. I’ve taken the recent decision to distance myself … I see no other alternative 😔

Everyone, do take care of yourself x

@ThisLever Thank you. In all the years, that is the first time I have had kindness for my position in this situation and not just another demand to be more tolerant and supportive. It has been so exhausting.
It has also given me insight into the somewhat distant relationship DH has with his DM so thank you for that.
We have had a fractious week with many arguments over the weekend.
Last night I remembered a shoebox was needed for this morning for DD. I checked everywhere but we had none. I found one of his boxes (he keeps as many as I will let him) and took the things inside out, keeping them together, with all of his other items. That set him off again and he was intent on turning it into something. To avoid the situation I replaced everything and had to drive to the only open shop (8.45pm on a Sunday) to see if they had shoeboxes. I got back in the car and just cried. How ridiculous that he wouldn't give up a shoebox for his DD. As I was leaving he was then telling me I could take it but I was desperate to avoid yet more anger.
He has such knee jerk reactions and I spend so much time trying to think of how to phrase things in way that he won't kick off and won't sabotage whatever plans are in place.
I have such a strong urge to be back with the people who love and care for me.
In the last few years I have shouldered the burden alone of his mental health (anxiety and depression), adhd diagnosis and coming to terms with it, his career issues, the debt issues, all family budgeting and planning, fixing any issues that arise as a result of his adhd, absorbing the chaos and protecting the DC as much as possible.
I. Am. Tired.

@IsadoraJar Solidarity. Episodes is a such a good way of describing what happens. I feel very much like we swing from one episode to the next with a brief lull in between that is just enough time for me to put things back together but not really recover from.
Taking today as a sick day to just sit with my feelings and try to regroup. Also just getting over Covid which I worked through due to current workload.

Oh OP, you sound exhausted. To me this sounds beyond just ADHD, it sounds like your needs are not being met and that he is just fundamentally not the right person for you to be in a relationship with. The shoebox thing is just incredibly selfish, ADHD might explain forgetting about it in the first place, but not the awful behaviour that came after.

I posted a while back that I had split with my previous partner. I am now several months into a new relationship, and the difference is amazing. It's not just about ADHD (as I'm sure many people are in happy relationships where ADHD is a factor), it's about being with someone who actually supports me and meets my needs.

You sound quite distanced from any practical help, but do you have anyone in real life who you could talk to?

Sending lots of hope and support to all of those on this thread.

@spottygymbag

I have ADHD.

The problem with your DH is not about ADHD, instead it's about being a complete selfish dick. Does he still care about you? Can you try to make a list of things he's done for you this year volunteerily?

If you can hardly think of any evidence that he cares, leave this man. It's really not about ADHD. He fell out of love with you, without even a single spark of basic respect remained. That's all what it is about unfortunately. What do you need this man for in your life and your DC's life (bad example)?

Thanks @Return2thebasic This is what I have been thinking. There is the adhd which we try to work around and then the dickishness.

@spottygymbag I deeply feel for you. I can imagine it's really hard, especially when you try to convince yourself that there's hope somewhere and someday. But you know it's a lie that you made for yourself to avoid that difficult decision. I hope I'm wrong. But please think hard about what you truly deserve in life, and so do your DCs.

Hi,

How are things going?

Im completely divorced now. Life has vastly improved. I’m less anxious, with a lot more mental and emotional energy.
Over the last year, I’ve become more me than I was all previous 8years before that.

I find myself asking the questions: why didn’t I make this choice sooner?

why didn’t I put my children’s and my needs first?
When bitterness creeps in I try to push it out of my mind quickly by reminding myself that I’m a more mature, balanced and happy adult than I was prior to my experience being married to who I was.
It now feels like I see life in colour whereas previously everything was on a grayscale.

I often wonder how those in similar situation I was in keep going.
Hope you are doing okay

I resonate with this .. did a support group ever get set up ?

@Roundandroundwego50 i think it did. But can’t recall the name.