Support group for partners of adhd adults

[Gioia1]

Would love to hear from partners who desl with their adhd partners without losing hope

Thanks for sharing @spottygymbag
It warms my heart to read how both of you are supportive of each other.
May I ask , what helped your partner see the need to seek help?

Excellent thread OP

@Gioia1 It was honestly me reaching the absolute end of my reserves- mental, emotional and physical.
I've always carried most of the load in our relationship which suited because I'm a natural organiser. But as our life responsibilities increased it just became too much. Particularly in lockdown after dc2 arrived, we were both working and I suddenly found myself troubleshooting for his work issues.
Also more recently I was speaking to my DM and she said she was always there to support us and listen but that it might be time to look at what external support there was. I booked the gp appointment that afternoon and basically told DH he needed to do this or I was leaving with the kids. We were at a real fork in the road and I could not continue that way for the rest of our lives!

@NotTheWomanIWas Thank you!

@spottygymbag Thank you. That’s the position I was in 2019 when it clicked and although he got the diagnosis that’s where it ends. He hasn’t as much as read a line about it.

The reason I started this thread is not to bash my adhd H or others for that matter. It’s counterproductive to go on about every nonsensical and really self-sabotaging and sabotaging actions of his. I already live it everyday. I don’t want to remind myself by writing down. In fact I could write a book!

It’s to read experiences like @spottygymbag and others which gives me hope that one day just maybe one day the penny will drop and he will take responsibility.

Also reaching out to others not just here I’ve learnt that I need to no put my life on hold anymore or in other words to quote a poster on a different thread ‘I cannot burn myself to keep him warm’.

I painted my nails for the first time in 4years and I suddenly realised that that was something I hadn’t done for that long a time because I had been living in a state of hyper vigilance due constantly carrying, caring, anticipating the needs of a grown man.

I spoke about it with my therapist and we both laughed at the sad but profound truth it brought to the fore ie that I had modified my behaviour too much to an extent how my own behaviour has led me to neglecting myself.

Am learning.

@Gioia1 It's so good you're prioritizing yourself more. This has been hard for me too. I've decided to reclaim the person I used to be before DH and kids... with modifications obviously! So as you say no longer burning myself to keep DH warm.

I'm back at yoga and barre classes and adding a few more runs in each week.
DH has noticed the change and that I'm happier and calmer and able to be more supportive of him so is more on board than I though he would be. He actually woke me this morning with a coffee and reminder to just get gym clothes and go, not let the kids distract me.
I've also pretty much forced him back to the office a few days each week. The isolation was not good for him and he actually does really well in the office as there are less distractions. This means he can focus more on work during work hours, which means he feels more in control and is less anxious as a result. And the bonus for me is that he's leaving less mess at home so I spend less time putting everything back together.

“I've decided to reclaim the person I used to be before DH and kids”

Thats exactly what I’ve started doing in the last three months. Sewing(I have 3machines and an over locker which I hadn’t touched since 2020) swimming 1x wk and got an allotment which is thriving
The above have helped re-establish a sense of self albeit he’s become more insecure but that’s his battle to fight

Big day today- DH has been prescribed aderall 5mg. Short acting initially and then will look at moving to long acting once he's tried it for a few weeks.
Exciting times. But psychiatrist did press home that he has to make behavioural changes as well.

Glad to see this thread is still going.

I'm about to start a new job, big step up and a lot of pressure. So after coasting along in my previous comfy, flexible job for many years it's going to be quite a change.

I've been speaking to DP (who has ADHD) about changes we can make so that we are both happier in our relationship and so that I don't feel like I'm carrying everything, particularly as I move into this new job. Because my old job was so flexible I've been the "default" person for most cleaning and life admin for a long time.

I read "The Couples Guide to Thriving with ADHD" and realised we have fallen into a parent-child dynamic, which neither of us is happy with. Using the book we have come up with a few strategies, it will be interesting to see how they go:

• DP will try a different medication, he didn't get on with the last one he tried so is currently unmedicated.

• I am biting the bullet and hiring a cleaner (the expense has put me off until now but I think for sanity's sake it is a must).

• We have gone through all the life admin tasks left, agreed which ones are the most important, and divided them up more fairly. It's great we are doing this at the same time as getting a cleaner as overall DP will be doing the same amount of stuff, so it's an easier sell. He has often complained he feels he has no say in how things are done, so now he has had the opportunity to agree what's important and what he will contribute.

• DP has found a chore management app which gamifies chore completion and reminds you if you don't complete tasks. He has entered all his chores into the app.

• We are now going to have a weekly "life admin" meeting, to agree on what's coming up, what needs doing, who will do it, and what can be deprioritised so we aren't giving ourselves too much to do. It's also a time to discuss how the chore completion is going, if it's too overwhelming for one of us it's a time to figure out a solution constructively together. I've committed to not nagging him during the week about chores, and he's committed to trying to complete the ones he's been allocated.

Will see how it goes and hopefully remember to report back!

@violetbunny that sounds really positive.
Nice work on getting a cleaner in too. It's a necessary luxury for us. I was crumbling under the weight of it all.
Can I ask what the chore management app is called? This sounds like something DH might engage with.

DH has been a different person this evening. He put dinner together in time for the kids and was a functional adult over dinner/bath/bedtime so I didn't have to manage it all.
Early days but such a massive difference. Usually dinner is a complete disaster on Mondays. I leave everything laid out so he just has to defrost/heat/add water type of thing, but even so it ends being a massive ordeal and not ready when I get in with DD from gymnastics. Tonight he had it all ready to go, and had kept DS happy and entertained too.

@spottygymbag The app is called OurHome. It's nothing fancy, we thought we would test out a free one to see how it went first (there are lots that have more bells and whistles but charge a monthly fee). You can assign points to tasks, and put them towards a reward of some kind.

ourhomeapp.com

Thanks @violetbunny I'll have a look. Hope your changes have a positive effect for you all!

@spottygymbag Thanks, you too. Sounds like there have been some positive steps forward already in your journey. Re the app - I should also mention that having Amazon Echoes throughout pretty much the whole house have also been a gamechanger for us. Great for verbal reminders, especially the routine daily/weekly stuff. Also means I'm not the one who has to do the reminding (and therefore feel like his mum!).

@violetbunny @spottygymbag am smiling reading your updates.
very positive progress, it’s refreshing to read.

Hi all, what a week it has been!
DH has been on medication for only one week but the difference is night and day.
He is no longer overwhelmed or anxious.
He has the patience and head space to deal with our 2 small DC, even when they are really pushing everyone to the limit.
He has the headspace and ability to prioritize so has been able to help more around the home.
He has had a revelation about how much I have been carrying everyone and is determined to share the load more.
He is no longer late to leave in the mornings.
He is now capable of getting himself and both dc out the door unassisted when I leave early for work.
He has prioritized a lot of work issues and projects so he can work through them methodically.
He no longer needs me to prompt him to start something or to check in that he is staying on track.
He can better estimate time and how long tasks will take.
We are both in a bit of shock at how drastically and quickly life has changed and are now watching some recordings of conference presentations to better understand adhd and how we can rebuild our relationship to include adhd.

@spottygymbag Wow that sounds really positive!

DP has really stepped up and is using the chores app to keep on top of the daily household stuff. He was doing really well until Sunday when he went out for the day on a walk and was soooo tired when he got back that he balked at doing his tasks on Sunday night, and basically announced that they wouldn't get done until the next day.

Fine for stuff that doesn't impact me directly, but some of them had to be done that day otherwise I couldn't get on with doing things like cooking. I've explained this to him so hopefully it doesn't happen again....

We watched a you tube thing by Gina Pera about the adhd roller coaster and how they get things on track for a bit then a week or two in the wheels come off.

It was actually a really interesting watch with lots of good info. Although it did make me wonder if she had a hidden camera in our house. Might be worth a watch? It's broken down into parts and some of them back track a few minutes- editing could definitely be better 😂. In general really good though.

Here's the link to the first part

Thats a great update! My boyfriend has been struggling with low mood the last couple of weeks and it's really obvious how his meds can't control it - he relapsed with his gambling addiction momentarily before referring himself to the game stop thing and going to meetings and is smoking more weed. He's reluctant to tinker with the meds but has promised he will see his GP if his low mood continues to the end of this week.

DH is now a few weeks into medication and is now trialing the slow release. He doesn't like this version as much and may swap dosage or go back to the short release.

But....BUT!! We had a family holiday! An actual family holiday where all four of us enjoyed it, there were no disasters, and we all had a fabulous time. It actually felt like our first family holiday ever.
For anyone still reading and looking for some hope that life can improve:

Our life is so much calmer (as much as possible with 2 DC and all that entails).

We are finally able to address the sleep issues with our eldest (impossible when you aren't on the same page and DC know they can play you off against each other)

DH made me a surprise birthday to make for the one he missed (was too anxious/overwhelmed to do anything about) that included a home baked cake, jokey presents and cards from him and the kids.

He has accepted that this is something he will have for life and will do whatever it takes to stay in control of his life now he has "seen the light".

He will be taking advantage of the psychologist sessions offered to come to terms with how it has impacted his life, and also to improve strategies etc.

We both want to do some Relationship counseling to learn new patterns of communication and reconnect.

Onwards and upwards!

Still reading @spottygymbag thanks for the update! Very positive.

Thank you also for your updates @spottygymbag I’m going to reread them also!

Just thought I'd stop by to read your updates and give my own. Since diagnosis our marriage has improved greatly. I've been recently diagnosed with PMDD so for years his 'traits' have been triggering my rages and, well its just not been plain sailing, far from it. The PMDD diagnosis explains alot and since he got his ADHD diagnosis not long before we have started to learn to understand eachother better. An argument can start and we will address that it's our conditions that are triggering them. The recent support I've been giving him seems to have had a positive effect on his sleeping patterns and he's now waking up around 9/10am. This is huge for DH. It seems we may finally be able to break the vicious cycle of resentment and start working together as a team. I hope you're all doing well in your relationships. It's a hard old slog.

Hi everyone. I wanted to give an update about my situation.
I am legally separating from my husband as things I’ve just gone steadily from bad to worse. I tried to leave nearly two weeks ago but he begged and asked some of my friends to persuade me to stay which I did.
Teo days ago I went out the whole day and he was home with daughter only for me to come home late and find her crying inconsolably. Turns out she had a bit of temperature enough to make her uncomfortable which he didn’t notice. As usual I didn’t say anything but the next day he accused me of making up it all up.

if one can go as far as deny the obvious truth just to shift blame or deflect, no matter what I say or do I’d be on a hiding to nothing.

He should be the poster child for RSD

Am 6 months pregnant and the emotional distress I’ve been through the last months have been such that my gp got social services involved.

I’d rather live in peace alone with my toddler and go through childbirth alone than risk not carrying to term.

We get the keys to the new flat tomorrow and looking forward to sleeping on a proper bed. (I moved out of marital be once I found out I was pregnant and have been sleeping on a mattress on the in my daughter’s room.
Wishing you all the best.

I’m so sorry that all your investment in your relationship hasn’t yielded the outcome you hoped for at that start.
i know your thread was intended for neurotypical people rather than ND, but I just wanted to say - as someone with ASD and ADHD - that even those of us who are willing to face our demons head-on recognise that we are not easy bedfellows and can be very challenging at times. We don’t intend to be, but we recognise that we can become quite impossible to deal with.
I wish you the best in the new stage of your life.

I am awaiting an ADHD diagnosis. Long term knew something wasn't right looked it up I am a walking talking late diagnosis adhd female cliche shall we say. Long waiting list unfortunately.

I have been in a relationship for 16 years and my job 17 years. I've had some up and downs with my job. I am a good worker but sometimes my concentration goes. It can be hard for me but I am working hard to rectify this with my management help. They have been a god send in supporting me. With their reasonable adjustments, I am working to a much higher productivity degree.

What I would say to NT partners is this.

Read up as much as you can and get them to as well. If you can understand your partner's condition, you can tackle it together as a team. Support is so helpful to us.

Try additude online. Lots of great articles for nonadhd partners and family members too. Also instagram have some amazing adhd accounts. If anyone would like the ones I follow feel free to pm me.

It affects men and women differently so I would read literature on them separately.

Criticism doesn't work. It makes us feel worse. Work with us to find a way we can all work together successfully. I actually get worse if someone just tells me how shit I am all the time.

The use of timers, phone calendars with repeated alarms and alarmed notifications have been the making of me. Also try magnetic white boards for reminders in eye view.

Anything they need for the day leave it in their eyeline where they will see it as they leave.

Organisation is key.

My own problems are cleaning. My executive dysfunction makes it so stressful to even begin.

If the adhd person has a way of self managing by using these methods, you will probably feel less like their parent which no one should have to feel like.

I learned on my own to organise myself but have found so many helpful tips online so I wanted to share.

How's everyone getting on?