Support group for partners of adhd adults

[Gioia1]

Would love to hear from partners who desl with their adhd partners without losing hope

We're still trucking along. Both of us are learning more ways to cope which is great but it really is still quite exhausting.
We recently had quite a busy few weeks- rental inspection (and they are super fussy where we live) working trip home for three weeks which combined a friends wedding, dc2's bday, dm's bday and family catch ups over Easter. As usual all of the prep and action sat with me and DH just got to enjoy the good bits. But I'm better at putting my boundaries in place and he's getting better at respecting them.
One thing that's really struck me is he is finally starting to process a lot of his history. Some happy parts, some sad, but positive overall

That's really good that he starting to process his history, a really good sign.

We're trying to find a good psychologist for him to work with because there is a lot of trauma in his early years and I don't think anyone in the family had the capacity to support him through it as they were all so busy dealing with it themselves.
It's frustrating though as the waiting lists are long (like anywhere) even for private.
He's had a couple of false starts but really didn't gel with them and adhd wasnt high on their specialty list.

Hi everyone. Long time no post.

A lot has happened.

We are now separated. He refuses to acknowledge what led me to ask for a legal separation and is carrying on a smear campaign against me.

I’m at peace with myself. Enjoying my children and discovering myself again.

@Gioia1 oh gosh. I'm glad you now get to enjoy the peaceful life with less drama and chaos.
I still hold this as an option. It often feels like one step forward and five steps back here.
DH has the occasional ability to step back and see the bigger picture. However all too often he allows himself to get overwhelmed by work and then gets burnt out. With me left to cover all the bases and provide him support.
This last week I've been really sick and he's just been oblivious. He has been stressed at work (very frequent occurrence) and so done the absolute minimum. I've managed to stay on top of feeding everyone, school pickups, cleaning and washing etc. but literally having to lie down on the floor in a hot/cold sweat.
I'm just so exhausted by it all and tired of getting my hopes up.

Hi is there anyone still here on this post?!

OP I’m sorry to see things didn’t work out for your partner and you but sounds as though you are happier?

Im just looking for some support as it’s becoming clear my dh most probably has adhd & Iv always just out his difficult behaviour down to being an arse or his odd upbringing. His brother has ASD & his cousin just has got an adhd diagnosis.

what I want to know if how do you guys deal with the RSD I think it’s called? I carry the mental load at home, child care, cleaning, cooking, working part time etc. and dh has a job that pays well but is all consuming. If I feel put out to much is put on me & I complain he can’t take it, he will get defensive & anger can escalate if it’s a bad day. Other days he can be calm, listen ze& we find a solution, however I find most of the time he will take what I say badly. It’s lonely & frustrating. Is this normal?

he’s said himself we should go to gp & source some support however does counselling & medication help at all?

im getting tired of it & worry the kids don’t get the best of their dad. I feel I work hard to stop an escalation at home or around them at times, is this normal or will it get the better of me?

Hey there! I’m keen to join the conversation :)

my husband has recognised his symptoms match adhd symptoms and has done the initial tests (incredibly strong match) with a counsellor but no official diagnosis.

I agree the RSD is the hardest part of our relationship - if I ask DH a simple factual question eg did you put suncream On DS yet? Or say no need to wash DS hair in the bath tonight darling, then he will kick off an get very upset. Usually sulks for 24 hours and says no one loves him, nothing he ever does is good enough etc. Verrrry sensitive. Also has quite a temper.

He also sleeps really badly and I think he has GAD too as well as some autistic traits

Hey that’s great your husband has sourced some support! How are you feeling about it all?

I can totally relate with the RSD & questioning- so hard when you have children isn’t it because you need to question/keep them cared for but at the same time you don’t want to make waves!!

I feel like I’m on egg shells sometimes

Another one who is dealing with RSD. It is so frustrating. My DH has attended counselling but he is quite astute and never lets them delve too deep which I feel only scratches the surface of things. There is a lot of unresolved childhood issues regarding his ADHD but he can't go there and has spent 1000's of pounds giving them lip service. He refuses to consider medication and will only make changes if I am at the absolute end of my tether.

Interestingky enough he is able to deal with work and friends without losing his temper. The temper is saved for myself and the kids. We are on very shaky ground here at the moment. I can live with chaos and half finished projects to some extent but have had my fill of stomping around like a toddler and moaning about everyone and everything.

To be honest if your partner is willing to seek help and support and has an open mind I think you can work through things but if they don't see the value in doing the work on themselves it is like fighting a losing battle everyday.

Wow @Deedee121 your situation sounds exhausting I’m so sorry. What do you plan on doing if he’s not going to try & change?

Thank you for sharing your advice, it’s appreciated and only time will tell if my partner follows his word & goes through with support.

I have given him loads of chances to make the changes and he doesn't (Unless I am completely at the end of my tether) so I am getting my ducks in a row and wil leave eventually. I have tried for years and have gone to therapy to sort out my issues (I'm not perfect either) but I've come to the realisation that he doesn't want to change so it is no longer my responsibility to support him.

I really hope your DH does the work on himself as I really think it is the only way forward for your marriage to work.

I am still here. DP and I ended up splitting, after 10 years together. It was tough at first but I am a lot happier now. I think in the end there was just too much resentment to move past.

So sorry to hear that. Its not easy is it

Do you have children together? My H has used the family courts to get bk at me. He never did much with dd but was given equal visitation. I don’t work but he does yet he takes my dd, drops her off with his mother and barely interacts with her. I’m told I tread adhd has a narcissistic side to it. I couldn’t agree more
Had I known he would use my child as a pawn I would have not left

*untreated

I'm sorry to hear that, OP. No, we didn't have kids. It's been a clean split thankfully.

Am pleased for you. Thanks for replying.

I'm sorry but I massively disagree with you there.

Most ADHD people are not narcissistic at all. That's really harmful putting statements out like that. We get enough stigma. It isn't a personality disorder.

Being abusive does not go hand in hand with being neurodiverse or an excuse to be an arse. It just means your husband or ex is an abusive arsehole and it has nothing to do with this ND. We know right from wrong. I have never ever been abusive or narcissistic to anyone.

I truly am sorry though that you've been through the mill with this person but it sounds to me he used his ADHD as an excuse and was just a nasty selfish person. Just like with any condition, the person has to seek help and try improve their symptoms and get treatment. Sounds like he did nothing in this regard.

Hi @Deedee121 how is it going?

Hi @Gioia1 thank for asking. Not great to be honest. I am finding it harder and harder to live amongst the chaos. I am a very organised person so it feels like one step forward and 5 steps back all the time.

How are you doing?

Hi @Deedee121 ,
I’m sorry to hear. A mistake I made was to not focus on my needs so I’m doing that now and it feels great. I feels like for 6 years my life was paused and now that he left I’ve pressed the play button again. I’m working through my resentment and regrets. Everyday the fog lifts and I’m lighter. I no longer live in a hyper vigilant state of mind.

I understand what you’re going through.
I lived like I was in a nursery. Constantly tidying his mess as I like a tidy place. It gives calmness to have a tidy house. I would wake up at 5 every morning and tidy only to be back to square one once he had finished breakfast.

I could not get over how for example he would leave a pile of mess around him, step over say for example a heap of his dirty clothes or leave a a chair in the middle of the entrance to a room and would just walk round the chair rather than just moving it back to its position for weeks on end and when I reminded he say something like ‘why didn’t you tell me?’

As if I were his parent. Grief!

Those days I gone. He’s still carrying on his smear campaign. But, focus now is on my two kids and how to accept that I won’t see them everyday due to 50/50 visitations.
It’s a high price but a happy mother makes for a good mother.

Please do not loose yourself.

Hi @Hollyppp
I agree the RSD is the hardest part of our relationship - if I ask DH a simple factual question eg did you put suncream On DS yet? Or say no need to wash DS hair in the bath tonight darling, then he will kick off an get very upset. Usually sulks for 24 hours and says no one loves him, nothing he ever does is good enough etc. Verrrry sensitive. Also has quite a temper.

He also sleeps really badly and I think he has GAD too as well as some autistic traits

This is what we all have dealt with with our partners. The struggle is real.

I wish all the best. If I have any wise words I would share but I am exhausted from 6years of what you wrote above. RSD, crazy making, the autistic traits that go with my h( he has echolalia) the narcissistic traits that go with it as well( victim mentality) lots of DARVO.
On reddit some partners call it narc lite and I understand why.

Focus on yourself. Do not create a soft landing ground for him. Let consequences do most of the talking.

Be kind, gentle and patient with yourself.

Thanks for taking the time to check in and reply. Yes - I get dragged into his chaos and am labelled in the family as always being late and being chaotic and this is not who I am.

I find the mental load absolutely exhausting. It's the constantly having to be on top of all my stuff, the kids stuff, the pets stuff, the house stuff and then him as well. I have started to leave him to it with regards his own stuff, as I'm not his mother.

The thing I find the hardest is the constant chatter. It just never stops. That and the angry outbursts and defensiveness. I am wotking with a therapist and this has been a lifeline for me as I feel like I can really vent with her.

I do feel life should be considerably easier for us though, especially as the kids are getting older. But there is just a sense of constantly chasing my tail and never getting to relax in my own home as there is always something that needs to be done.

I'm so sorry to hear your ex is still trying to smear your good name. Mine very much has a victim mentality and plays that role very well -the point that my family feel sorry for him as he always seems so 'put upon'.

Just here for a vent in case anyone is still around.

Life with DH continues to be a challenge and it's hard to know, at the moment, what is adhd and what is just dickishness.

The resentment I feel is just too much at the moment. I carry the whole mental load and really struggle with the fact that he gets to have a stressful week and go to pieces, leaving me to pick up the slack. When I have a stressful week I plan my best for it and let him know I will need extra support, or at least for him to just not drop the ball on his side. Inevitably he goes awol (mentally and emotionally, and occasionally physically).

We live in a different country to all our friends and family so have no real support. There have been so many situations where an extra set of hands would have been so helpful. I realise not everyone has this but I know if we were closer my friends or DM would have been there in a heartbeat.

I've just found out the credit card debt I thought we were paying off has gone up instead of down (by a lot).

I went away for the first time in 7years to do something for myself and left everything as organised as I could for him: pre-cooked meals, full fridge and pantry, all washing up to date, kids uniforms and daycare clothes at the ready. He felt overwhelmed so he spent $800 on random impulse purchases. All stuff we didn't need (and couldn't really afford).

He has spent my bonus before it could be sensibly allocated.

The one time I asked for help when I was feeling overwhelmed (pick up a cheap Halloween tshirt for the youngest dc) he went on shopping spree for himself to the tune of $5000. All non returnable or on higher purchase. When I panicked he "fixed it" by cashing in investments and paying it off immediately. Then made himself feel better by giving me the other half "to do what I want with". That was our hard earned emergency fund and I'm still trying to build it back up. This was also just after I had booked the event for myself where I would be away for the first time in years. I'm still trying to understand if it was a "f-you" response on his part even though I had raised it a few months prior, we had looked at the budget and made the decision I should go (I was more hesitant about it than he was).

He has ignored (100% not forgotten) my birthday the last few years. He came to my birthday dinner because the kids and I were going and I had organised it. The DC love birthdays and were so excited for my birthday. I got myself a few wee things and had to basically press gang him into helping them wrap up the night before.

He has basically opted out of Christmas and I have resorted to buying my own gifts simply so I get something nice on the day. He complains constantly and makes a huge song and dance if I ask him to help wrap the presents.

I went on a work trip for two nights, got back and literally had to leave my bag outside and tidy my way into the house. Every single room was an absolute mess.

There are many aspects of the adhd that drive me batty but that I see as harmless and just need to be coped with (lost keys, late to appointments, general chaos etc) but some of the above has just felt so vindictive.

I'm really at the absolute limit these days.

I hear you.
Struggling myself at the moment.
It is exhausting but try to keep yourself well.

I don't have much more advice I'm afraid as I'm trying to regain y own strength after another, big 'episode'.

Keep ranting on this platform and hopefully you will get support so you dont feel alone🙏