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Original poster

I feel shut down over concern of my boyfriends £15k loan

119 replies

Riley01 · 18/05/2022 13:42

Hello

My boyfriends recently had to scrap his car and has decided he is going to get a van to go camping in. Throughout the process I have been putting forward questions and things to consider (e.g what about major repairs, change in the market towards electric cars, sharing a car whilst he saves up, parking issues etc). I also took the pictures/info to a friend of mine who is a mechanic to see what he thought. This has been something my boyfriend has wanted to do for a while, so I have been trying to support him but, I personally think this is too big of a risk, and have been trying to highlight these risks. The van is abroad, over 40 years old and 15k. Regardless, he has been to view it by himself and decided he wants it.

In additon to personal risk, another element of the situation has been bothering me. Myself (28) and my boyfriend (27) have been together for 5 years and have been talking about starting a family together. It does not seem like the smartest financial move to possibly become indebted whilst we're starting up. We are not married, which he didn't want and I am indifferent to, but I do want commitment that I am failing to see. I don't even have a share in the house. It worries me that he seems to be thinking as a single man rather than considering me too.

Before he put a deposit down, I told him these concerns and he got very angry, saying i'm treating him like he's stupid for bring up my concerns like he's not considered them. It also feels like it has been twisted into me expecting him to provide for a family when i "bring nothing to the table" and "won't be for the next 5 years", which is the duration of the loan. This has been paticularly hurtful as I have never not worked. I have been doing a full time doctorate alongside working 30 hours a week, and all of my expenses go towards bills/study.. so I don't really have savings. I have 2 years left of my course, so not sure where 5 years has come from. I'm just feeling utterly deflated and unable to speak up without coming across wrong, unless i'm out of touch on this one. Wondering others opinions?

OP posts:
ComtesseDeSpair · 18/05/2022 13:48

You aren’t married, you don’t share finances, you don’t have any legal responsibility for or right to his house. You aren’t a partnership in anything but the colloquial sense and as such I think it’s his right to make a decision about his own car, whether that turns out to be a bad decision or a good one, and you don’t have to accept any part in or responsibility to put things right if it does turn out to be a bad decision.

If you want commitment and a family then you need to set those terms out and discuss timelines. If he doesn’t want to offer either of those things then it’s time to start the honking about moving on.

bathsh3ba · 18/05/2022 13:52

I assume you live together. I would be seeing red flags here too, not about buying the van (though it sounds like a bad move) but about his lack of consideration of your shared future and how he spoke to you.

You say you are indifferent to marriage but you want a commitment. What would that look like? Have you told him what you want and how has he responded?

Currently he's got things the way he likes it, so why would he change things?

Personally I'd back off the van and get to the crux of the matter which is that you feel you don't matter to him. Tell him what you need him to do to make you feel secure, and give him a timeline to do it. If he doesn't do it, then walk.

Aprilx · 18/05/2022 13:52

I don’t know what the attraction could be to a 40yr old van that is overseas and costs £15k either. But it is his money and you do sound a little patronising in telling him what he needs to consider, assuming he is a normal functioning adult.

I wouldn’t be having children with him though, you don’t even say if you are living together right now. Anyway I would not be having children without marriage and if you really do not think that is important, you at least need to be on the same page with managing your finances as joint finances before you bring children into the world.

DenholmElliot · 18/05/2022 13:52

I was pretty much gonna say the exact same thing as @ComtesseDeSpair

PaniniHead · 18/05/2022 13:54

Do not have children with him.

Inthesameboatatmo · 18/05/2022 13:57

Are living together? Do you have children? If neither then absolutely nothing to do with you how a grown man chooses to buy.

Original poster
Riley01 · 18/05/2022 14:00

Together 5 years- living together for 3. If we're talking about starting a family, we should be on the same page financially?

OP posts:
Original poster
Riley01 · 18/05/2022 14:00

thanks for opinions everyone.

OP posts:
DenholmElliot · 18/05/2022 14:03

Never ever have a baby with a man who tells you you bring nothing to the table. That remark speaks volumes - and shows his true intent - which is for him to keep all the assets and you to have a baby if you want and you'll be the one who has to pay for it and take the career hit.

When you talked about having a baby did the subject of marriage come up at all?

magicstar1 · 18/05/2022 14:04

The van idea sounds like he's not on the same page as you at all. He's looking at travelling around etc. while you want to start a family.
Also, he has a house, and the means to pay this loan etc. while you haven't much income, and what you have goes on bills and study. Does that mean you want to have a baby while he pays for everything? You're not married, and have no part of the house. What if he decides it's not for him and you're left on your own? How are you supposed to support yourself and a baby?
Surely you should wait a couple of years, and if you're still together, then talk about starting a family, while you're on a more even footing.

Justcallmebebes · 18/05/2022 14:08

There is no way I would have a baby with this man. You're on different pages. I'm assuming he wants a camper to go travelling in which may not sit well with your study and wanting a family. Be warned

Original poster
Riley01 · 18/05/2022 14:09

magicstar1 · 18/05/2022 14:04

The van idea sounds like he's not on the same page as you at all. He's looking at travelling around etc. while you want to start a family.
Also, he has a house, and the means to pay this loan etc. while you haven't much income, and what you have goes on bills and study. Does that mean you want to have a baby while he pays for everything? You're not married, and have no part of the house. What if he decides it's not for him and you're left on your own? How are you supposed to support yourself and a baby?
Surely you should wait a couple of years, and if you're still together, then talk about starting a family, while you're on a more even footing.

I have/will never expect him to pay for everything.. hence spending 10 years training for a career. We were talking about in 2 years after I finished my degree, however to be putting so much effort in to it to me made out like i want him to take care of me is quite demoralising. No i'm not in a great financial position for the next 2 years, but after that I would be bringing in double his income. The imbalance has seemed to create a lot of issues.

OP posts:
WhenDovesFly · 18/05/2022 14:10

A van that's 40+ years old? Why would he invest in something so old? He'll likely be paying heaps out on repairing various things, on top of the loan.

The only unreasonable thing here is that you're considering having a baby with this man, when you have no commitment and no rights to the property, so could be made homeless at any time. How would having a baby fit in with the last 2 years of your doctorate?

Smartsub · 18/05/2022 14:11

He's right in that all these things are his business, but there's no way he's planning to have a family with you. He's almost setting things up so that you tell him it's impossible.

SamphirethePogoingStickerist · 18/05/2022 14:14

@Riley01 he seems to have told you, in a few different ways, that what he wants out of his life is not what you want.

You are finishing education and considering a family.

He is looking at a large expense that only has one use - extended travelling.

Whatever discussions you have over this you will have to make some rathe rlarge compromises - as he obviously won't be making any. So I'd start getting your head round the impermanence of this relationship.

Student accommodation, concentrate on yourself and let him do whatever it is he wants to do? Might be a more stable option for you.

ComtesseDeSpair · 18/05/2022 14:17

Riley01 · 18/05/2022 14:00

Together 5 years- living together for 3. If we're talking about starting a family, we should be on the same page financially?

But you aren’t on the same page financially if you’ve spent ten years studying. You have your priority - and it seems he has is. And they’re different. It might sound unkind but I wouldn’t want to commit to or share my property and finances or talk futures and joint life goals with a man whose priority appeared to be spending over a decade at university - frankly - not contributing properly financially to the relationship in order to build our future together because he was paying for his choice to study for multiple degrees. I can’t imagine for a second that, if I asked MN if I was being unreasonable in that, I’d be told that I absolutely should be committing to him.

I don’t think this relationship is ultimately going to work out for either of you. You want very different things.

Ariela · 18/05/2022 14:23

Does this expensive van, overseas, even actually exist? Smacks to me of a scam. Have you reverse searched the photos?...

SaintJavelin · 18/05/2022 14:24

Have you tried controlling your boyfriend's spending via other ways?

You aren't on the same page and the fact that you haven't realised this is staggering.

Original poster
Riley01 · 18/05/2022 14:30

ComtesseDeSpair · 18/05/2022 14:17

But you aren’t on the same page financially if you’ve spent ten years studying. You have your priority - and it seems he has is. And they’re different. It might sound unkind but I wouldn’t want to commit to or share my property and finances or talk futures and joint life goals with a man whose priority appeared to be spending over a decade at university - frankly - not contributing properly financially to the relationship in order to build our future together because he was paying for his choice to study for multiple degrees. I can’t imagine for a second that, if I asked MN if I was being unreasonable in that, I’d be told that I absolutely should be committing to him.

I don’t think this relationship is ultimately going to work out for either of you. You want very different things.

Show quote history

I have been contributing 50/50.

OP posts:
Aprilx · 18/05/2022 14:32

Riley01 · 18/05/2022 14:09

I have/will never expect him to pay for everything.. hence spending 10 years training for a career. We were talking about in 2 years after I finished my degree, however to be putting so much effort in to it to me made out like i want him to take care of me is quite demoralising. No i'm not in a great financial position for the next 2 years, but after that I would be bringing in double his income. The imbalance has seemed to create a lot of issues.

Show quote history

You are 28 and still a student, you want to start a family almost as soon as you finish studying, not sure how you think you will be earning double what he is soon enough. You are not pulling your weight financially and if I were him I would have doubts that you intend to. Whilst I still don’t get the attraction of the van myself, I can understand him thinking he can buy a van if he wants one.

Bit I still think the biggest mistake you could make here is to get pregnant any time soon. The two of you are not working together and appear to have different goals.

Original poster
Riley01 · 18/05/2022 14:32

Yep got the message. Thanks for opinions.

OP posts:
Booboobibles · 18/05/2022 14:43

15k for a 40 year old van is madness! He could get a much newer van, newly converted for 25k (ssl conversions).

I can see why you’d be concerned….being crap with money isn’t an attractive quality.

i can see why he’d want a van though and as someone who’d like to get a van I find some people attitudes very patronising. They say ‘Have you thought about this, have you thought about that?’ Blah blah f*ing blah when they’ve done no research whatsoever and you’ve spend the past two years watching van life videos on YouTube and thinking how you’d navigate every situation.

Ohsugarhoneyicetea · 18/05/2022 14:44

Im sorry but he really doesnt sound like a man who wants to start a family. He is no where near on the same page as you with this. The van is just one more message that he see's his future as a someone with no commitments. Don't waste anymore of your time with someone who doesnt want the same things as you. Empty promises of one day are how many women either miss their opportunity to have children, or end up single parents with an absent father for their child.

JulyDreams · 18/05/2022 14:51

He doesn't want kids.

Babyvenusplant · 18/05/2022 14:53

Inthesameboatatmo · 18/05/2022 13:57

Are living together? Do you have children? If neither then absolutely nothing to do with you how a grown man chooses to buy.

Read the first post properly!!!

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