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Original poster

I feel shut down over concern of my boyfriends £15k loan

119 replies

Riley01 · 18/05/2022 13:42

Hello

My boyfriends recently had to scrap his car and has decided he is going to get a van to go camping in. Throughout the process I have been putting forward questions and things to consider (e.g what about major repairs, change in the market towards electric cars, sharing a car whilst he saves up, parking issues etc). I also took the pictures/info to a friend of mine who is a mechanic to see what he thought. This has been something my boyfriend has wanted to do for a while, so I have been trying to support him but, I personally think this is too big of a risk, and have been trying to highlight these risks. The van is abroad, over 40 years old and 15k. Regardless, he has been to view it by himself and decided he wants it.

In additon to personal risk, another element of the situation has been bothering me. Myself (28) and my boyfriend (27) have been together for 5 years and have been talking about starting a family together. It does not seem like the smartest financial move to possibly become indebted whilst we're starting up. We are not married, which he didn't want and I am indifferent to, but I do want commitment that I am failing to see. I don't even have a share in the house. It worries me that he seems to be thinking as a single man rather than considering me too.

Before he put a deposit down, I told him these concerns and he got very angry, saying i'm treating him like he's stupid for bring up my concerns like he's not considered them. It also feels like it has been twisted into me expecting him to provide for a family when i "bring nothing to the table" and "won't be for the next 5 years", which is the duration of the loan. This has been paticularly hurtful as I have never not worked. I have been doing a full time doctorate alongside working 30 hours a week, and all of my expenses go towards bills/study.. so I don't really have savings. I have 2 years left of my course, so not sure where 5 years has come from. I'm just feeling utterly deflated and unable to speak up without coming across wrong, unless i'm out of touch on this one. Wondering others opinions?

OP posts:
IdisagreeMrHochhauser · 19/05/2022 05:35

Basically people, some jobs require higher study. So if OP was studying medicine or architecture she would have to train for 7 years to qualify. She would then be in high demand. Psychologists also require doctoral level training.

Once you have that qualification, you have it for life.

I get the sense that the OP is doing the type of training rather than arsing about with a film studies PhD.

Beelezebub · 19/05/2022 06:00

How does a conversation about starting a family come before conversations about putting in a solid foundation first? It doesn’t have to be marriage but you both seem wildly at odds with your thoughts, values, stages in life, financial outlooks and commitments but somehow talk of having a baby is in the mix.

I think a 40 year old van is the least of your concerns tbh.

Porcupineintherough · 19/05/2022 06:27

Don't have a baby with this man. Go find someone who does want to commit to you, emotionally, legally and financially. Have your baby with them.

ImAvingOops · 19/05/2022 08:54

@ComtesseDeSpair, the OP isn't sitting in her arse eating bonbons while flitting from one undergrad degree to another. She's been working and paying her 50% alongside her career training. And many careers do require this level of study.
She never said she wanted to jack it all in and be a sahp forever, while the dp paid for everything.
She's contributed towards a mortgage where she has no security - it's not like paying rent for a property where she has rights. It's only recently that she's just covered her bills. She's not living 'free'. Remember also that she has moved to where it suited the dp.

I think he doesn't love you, isn't committed to you and your lives are moving in different directions. You need to live independently and find a man who wants what you want.

onanotherday · 19/05/2022 09:03

OP well done on getting so far in your education and please don't give up this close to completing your hard work. Long term it will be your security whatever happens.

A couple of things occurred to me.. and I say this kindly.. but as a woman with similar education..but 30 years older!

If you were not contributing to the rent could your partner afford said van or house? If yes then his choice.

If not then you are putting money into a non-refundable venture. You may be fine with that, and it might be that is all you can do at present.

However, I would seriously be focused on getting your own home and career established, long before children.

I can hear that tick tick of wanting children...I get that. But I wonder what drives that so much..yes biologically early 30s is a good time , but mid 30s early 40s is also possible.

I think the idea of babies is lovely.. the reality..it's bloody hard work and as someone who balanced a career and kids even with the most committed of partners, it can be overwhelming. Should things not go well it will likely be you shouldering the care. So a secure home is a priority.

For what it's worth, and if you were my dd, I would suggest finishing the PhD, and working a year or two to establish yourself and have some down time.

Then have kids...now my hunch is if you do this independently and leave van man to his own devices he may become less of an attractive proposition.

At the moment you are supporting him financially. He is 27..wants a van..OK. He is telling you from his behaviour he wants fun..travel and no commitments yet. As others have said you are on different pages.

If the family is your dream then you need to see that your are the provider and possibly alone and you are not in that position yet.

You have time..don't hitch yourself to this one...gain your quifications..enjoy the rewards of your hard work..then get your own place and settle down.

Good luck.

Original poster
Riley01 · 19/05/2022 09:15

ImAvingOops · 19/05/2022 08:54

@ComtesseDeSpair, the OP isn't sitting in her arse eating bonbons while flitting from one undergrad degree to another. She's been working and paying her 50% alongside her career training. And many careers do require this level of study.
She never said she wanted to jack it all in and be a sahp forever, while the dp paid for everything.
She's contributed towards a mortgage where she has no security - it's not like paying rent for a property where she has rights. It's only recently that she's just covered her bills. She's not living 'free'. Remember also that she has moved to where it suited the dp.

I think he doesn't love you, isn't committed to you and your lives are moving in different directions. You need to live independently and find a man who wants what you want.

Thank you for putting this so succinctly for me. This is exactly my situation. Thank you for the advice too.

OP posts:
Original poster
Riley01 · 19/05/2022 09:23

onanotherday · 19/05/2022 09:03

OP well done on getting so far in your education and please don't give up this close to completing your hard work. Long term it will be your security whatever happens.

A couple of things occurred to me.. and I say this kindly.. but as a woman with similar education..but 30 years older!

If you were not contributing to the rent could your partner afford said van or house? If yes then his choice.

If not then you are putting money into a non-refundable venture. You may be fine with that, and it might be that is all you can do at present.

However, I would seriously be focused on getting your own home and career established, long before children.

I can hear that tick tick of wanting children...I get that. But I wonder what drives that so much..yes biologically early 30s is a good time , but mid 30s early 40s is also possible.

I think the idea of babies is lovely.. the reality..it's bloody hard work and as someone who balanced a career and kids even with the most committed of partners, it can be overwhelming. Should things not go well it will likely be you shouldering the care. So a secure home is a priority.

For what it's worth, and if you were my dd, I would suggest finishing the PhD, and working a year or two to establish yourself and have some down time.

Then have kids...now my hunch is if you do this independently and leave van man to his own devices he may become less of an attractive proposition.

At the moment you are supporting him financially. He is 27..wants a van..OK. He is telling you from his behaviour he wants fun..travel and no commitments yet. As others have said you are on different pages.

If the family is your dream then you need to see that your are the provider and possibly alone and you are not in that position yet.

You have time..don't hitch yourself to this one...gain your quifications..enjoy the rewards of your hard work..then get your own place and settle down.

Good luck.

Thank you for the wonderful advice. So appreciated.

OP posts:
Original poster
Riley01 · 19/05/2022 09:23

To all the woman/men on here who’ve understood my dilemma and who’ve been there and done it, you’re advice is really invaluable to me and has given me a lot to think about. It’s really highlighted the pressure I’m putting on myself of trying to get everything done before 30, too, and reasons that may be. Thanks again.

OP posts:
Rainbowqueeen · 19/05/2022 09:31

I do not like the sound of this guy OP. That was an incredibly disrespectful thing to say to you. It doesn’t sound like he likes you much. You’re more of a convenience who keeps his costs down. How is housework split??

You know that he could ask you to leave your home at any time and you have no rights to stay in the house don’t you??

I’d move on now. Give yourself some time to be single and focus on your studies. You want different things out of life.

You sound like you are a really high achiever with a great future. Find someone who appreciates you

CornishPorsche · 19/05/2022 09:34

How big is your student loan and debt OP? I can imagine it's enormous after so long. That's a huge weight around your neck.

Not all new mums are desperate to go back to work - some dread it and take years before they can return to work. You may change your mind on how long you want to take off before you return from maternity leave, beck. become a SAHM or to go part time etc.

This man is not nice to you, why do you stay?

Campervangirl · 19/05/2022 09:34

Ahh op, he is not on the same page as you, he thinks you don't bring anything to the table while you pay 50/50 but have no rights to the home you are paying towards, he wants to get into debt to buy a van, whilst you want a baby.
I feel for you, I really do.
Personally I'd cut my losses, you're not too old to start over with someone who is on the same page as you.
It's easy for me to say this as I'm not living your life with all the feelings involved.
As for buying a 40 Yr old van for 15k to go camping 🙄
Check out my user name, absolutely no one in the campervanning community would think this was a good idea, new vans are money pits, he'd be lucky if a 40 Yr old van makes it home in one piece especially from abroad!
Add to that insurance, repairs and upkeep, camping costs such as campsites, food etc, he's living in a fantasy world.
Don't even get me started on fuel costs.
He's a man child, only thinking of himself.
I wish you the best of luck op 💐

MouseRoar · 19/05/2022 09:41

Going by how he speaks to you, it sounds as though he has no respect for you. You have no security in terms of accommodation if your relationship breaks down. I would not bring a child into this situation.

Bluecheck679 · 19/05/2022 09:43

You're only 28, you're young and you've got time. I would sit down with your boyfriend and say what your ideal plans for the next five years are. State the positives of your relationship and why you want to experience those things with him, but make it clear they are non-negotiables for you. Eg, I want to save for a deposit and I want us to buy together. I want to have a baby. I want to finish my degree and begin my new career.

I think the loan is a red herring, it's more that you are questioning his commitment to your future as a couple and a family. So you should have that discussion, rather than focusing on the merits of the van purchase.

Wish you the best of luck, ignore any comments criticising your study path, I didnt start my career until late twenties (various study/work beforehand) and it's been fine. I also had two children before age 35 and have still managed to progress my career in this time, including a couple of years part time work.

Bluecheck679 · 19/05/2022 09:44

Forgot a key park (will we ever be able to edit?!) - be prepared to walk away if your 5 year plans don't match up. Don't waste these valuable years, 28 is still young and plenty time to meet someone else.

heathspeedwell · 19/05/2022 09:53

You are intelligent, dynamic and a really good communicator. He doesn't realise what a catch you are and is clearly taking you for granted.

I think you should try to take time out this weekend to have a really good sit down talk about your plans together. If he carries on belittling what you bring to the relationship then it's time to consider moving out.

There will be plenty of men out there who do appreciate what a catch you are and would be delighted to commit to starting a family with you when you are ready. When you are with the right person they support you and you feel like a team together. He doesn't sound like he thinks of you both as a team at all.

AffIt · 19/05/2022 10:25

I think the key element here is that you have been together for quite a long time since a young age - if I look at how I changed, mentally and emotionally, between the ages of 23 and 28, those five years made a big difference.

Realistically, you and your boyfriend are not the same people you were five years ago, and that's okay - people change and move on. As PPs have said, I don't think you're on the same page any more.

Perhaps it might be for the best to walk away from this while you're young - don't fall for the sunk cost fallacy.

I also think you're putting a heck of a lot of pressure on yourself to have 'the perfect life' by the time you're 30 (education, career, partner, house, family etc) - it happens for some people, sure, but they are very much in the minority.

For most of us (and I'm 43, so can speak with the benefit of some hindsight and experience), life is a bit more of a series of moving parts and there is no shame in that.

Are you quite a 'Type A' personality? There really is nothing to be lost by taking a wee bit of the pressure off yourself - life is a marathon, not a sprint.

Good luck with your studies (I'm thinking psychiatry?) and I wish you all the very best in achieving your goals and dreams.

DoItAfraid · 19/05/2022 10:37

However, he now says not only do I bring no money to the table but he's also keeping a roof over my head.

Whoa!!!!
OP - this is not the man to have children with. You are not aligned.

DoItAfraid · 19/05/2022 10:38

MouseRoar · 19/05/2022 09:41

Going by how he speaks to you, it sounds as though he has no respect for you. You have no security in terms of accommodation if your relationship breaks down. I would not bring a child into this situation.

Totally agree with this.

Loopytiles · 19/05/2022 18:33

Yes, no need to do it alp by 30

BUT! With your aspiration for DC you don’t have years to waste on a wrong man.

This one seems a poor bet!

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