Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I feel shut down over concern of my boyfriends £15k loan

119 replies

Riley01 · 18/05/2022 13:42

Hello

My boyfriends recently had to scrap his car and has decided he is going to get a van to go camping in. Throughout the process I have been putting forward questions and things to consider (e.g what about major repairs, change in the market towards electric cars, sharing a car whilst he saves up, parking issues etc). I also took the pictures/info to a friend of mine who is a mechanic to see what he thought. This has been something my boyfriend has wanted to do for a while, so I have been trying to support him but, I personally think this is too big of a risk, and have been trying to highlight these risks. The van is abroad, over 40 years old and 15k. Regardless, he has been to view it by himself and decided he wants it.

In additon to personal risk, another element of the situation has been bothering me. Myself (28) and my boyfriend (27) have been together for 5 years and have been talking about starting a family together. It does not seem like the smartest financial move to possibly become indebted whilst we're starting up. We are not married, which he didn't want and I am indifferent to, but I do want commitment that I am failing to see. I don't even have a share in the house. It worries me that he seems to be thinking as a single man rather than considering me too.

Before he put a deposit down, I told him these concerns and he got very angry, saying i'm treating him like he's stupid for bring up my concerns like he's not considered them. It also feels like it has been twisted into me expecting him to provide for a family when i "bring nothing to the table" and "won't be for the next 5 years", which is the duration of the loan. This has been paticularly hurtful as I have never not worked. I have been doing a full time doctorate alongside working 30 hours a week, and all of my expenses go towards bills/study.. so I don't really have savings. I have 2 years left of my course, so not sure where 5 years has come from. I'm just feeling utterly deflated and unable to speak up without coming across wrong, unless i'm out of touch on this one. Wondering others opinions?

OP posts:
Original poster
Riley01 · 18/05/2022 15:54

ComtesseDeSpair · 18/05/2022 15:46

I think you need to be more realistic. You’ve been studying for ten years. You presumably have little real work experience in the field you eventually want to work in. Despite having lots of qualifications, it’s very very unlikely you’ll walk straight into the high-paying job you think you can get, because without relevant experience of actually working, you’ll start at the bottom of the ladder. If you then immediately want to start a family, which will - as hard as feminism has been working for decades to try to combat it - impact on your ability to develop yourself professionally.

I acknowledge that it must have been hurtful to hear him say that you bring nothing to the table, but you’re asking him to think about saving money for the future and not buy the vehicle he wants, whilst essentially not compromising on what your priorities are.

Show quote history

My doctorate is training in the field.. I accumulate 400 client hours. It's quite common that third year students get offers of employment upon graduation because need is so high in the NHS. I'll start at a base rate of £50k. I do want to immediately start a family and I can't see a year or 2 to do this impacting my job so significantly? I'd be accredited regardless.

I am not asking him to not buy the vehicle he wants! I have supported him in the practicalities of making it happen even though i'm not convinced.

OP posts:
ComtesseDeSpair · 18/05/2022 15:58

Then I would wait until you’ve qualified and are earning over £50k and revisit the subject again then - if you’re still together at that point. Until then, you’re both talking about theoretical circumstances.

I don’t have DC and don’t plan to; but I’d encourage you not to underestimate the impact that being a parent will have, especially in the early stages of your career, and plan accordingly.

Original poster
Riley01 · 18/05/2022 16:02

Aboutdamntime · 18/05/2022 15:33

What is your plan/timescale re studying, having a baby and working? What does your partner think of that? Presumably he wants to travel too?

We were talking about trying when I was 30, around the final year of my degree or after I qualify and within the first year of getting a job. I would plan to work for as long as possible.Truth is though, he may have to support me given the circumstances. I think that would be fair considering I would be carrying his child and my training would benefit us both in the future- as we are a couple. As I said, I have relocated to support his job and training for the past 5 years.

The issue regarding my career and when to have a baby, given the state of my relationship, weighs on my mind daily.

OP posts:
Original poster
Riley01 · 18/05/2022 16:03

ComtesseDeSpair · 18/05/2022 15:58

Then I would wait until you’ve qualified and are earning over £50k and revisit the subject again then - if you’re still together at that point. Until then, you’re both talking about theoretical circumstances.

I don’t have DC and don’t plan to; but I’d encourage you not to underestimate the impact that being a parent will have, especially in the early stages of your career, and plan accordingly.

I don't feel I have the time to do this. I could decide now it's not working, save myself 2/3 years which I could have used starting a relationship with somebody who wants the same things and is more supportive of my dreams too? Yes I appreciate that.

OP posts:
Original poster
Riley01 · 18/05/2022 16:05

AubadeIsIt · 18/05/2022 15:46

Please do not pay a penny more of his mortgage, he is banking future income you won't have any right to since your name isn't on the deed and you're not married. And the gall of him to say you bring nothing to the table! He sounds petulant and immature and not willing to commit. Congrats on your studies and your hard work and investment in your future. He's an idiot for not seeing the value in what you're doing or supporting you.

Thank you for understanding. I really appreciate that.

OP posts:
Shehasadiamondinthesky · 18/05/2022 16:05

You are clearly an intelligent woman so read your own post and ask yourself if this man's behaviour would be something you would recommend for your sister or daughter.
Then dump his sorry arse.

Original poster
Riley01 · 18/05/2022 16:07

DeadButDelicious · 18/05/2022 15:46

Listen to what he's saying, he thinks you bring nothing to the table and that he's keeping a roof over your head, despite you paying half his mortgage as 'rent'. He doesn't want to get married and he's getting the arse when you question him spending £15k on a van. Do not have children with this man, you will end up doing it alone even if you stay together and you will always have the worry of him being able to boot you and your baby out because your name is on nothing.

Thank you for your comment- it's greatly appreciated.

OP posts:
Original poster
Riley01 · 18/05/2022 16:08

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 18/05/2022 16:05

You are clearly an intelligent woman so read your own post and ask yourself if this man's behaviour would be something you would recommend for your sister or daughter.
Then dump his sorry arse.

Thank you!

OP posts:
Bonheurdupasse · 18/05/2022 16:08

Riley01 · 18/05/2022 15:47

Thanks for the advice. I did accept the situation could only be temporary so i'll cut my losses.

Show quote history

No problem OP.
If you're interested pm me and I can send you on a short screenshot of what I'm referring to. I'm not an expert, just studying it, but it would be a starting point in talking to a solicitor.

beastlyslumber · 18/05/2022 16:08

Oh I would cut your losses, OP. He doesn't sound like he's committed to you or wanting a family, and he's treating you with disrespect and contempt. You are on track to a good career and good life - don't let him sabotage all of that. You're still young and can definitely find someone better to start a family with. Good luck!

Bonheurdupasse · 18/05/2022 16:11

And the thing is, as you're talking about cutting your losses - when there's a strong case, it hardly ever goes to court. So it wouldn't be that onerous a process if an obvious case.

WombatNo12 · 18/05/2022 16:14

I like vans, spend time on van forums.

They are money pits & the blokes get totally absorbed into buying, mending & driving them.

He doesn't sound like he has much respect for you.

Aprilx · 18/05/2022 16:19

Riley01 · 18/05/2022 15:41

Hanging around in education? I did my bachelors, masters, a year of work experience and I am now a year into a doctorate with 2 to go. I have worked throughout, including full time work in the short gaps! I worked full-time last year, alongside my degree, because I work in a hospital and it was priority. This has led to burn out and the gap year. Hope this clears things up!

Show quote history

There was nothing to clear up. You have not been working full time towards a career and you won’t even start to do so until you are well into your 30s because you want to finish studying and have children before then. Most people are going to have a decade head start on you in the workplace. There is just something that sits oddly with me, in that you get to delay joining the full time workforce (properly, not work experience or holiday jobs) whilst your boyfriend isn’t allowed to buy his dream van!

titchy · 18/05/2022 16:25

I'm assuming clinical psychology? Agree with others though that a couple of years of post qualification work will be far more valuable than trying to job hunt with a small baby - you may decide that you can't be parted from said baby and want to be a SAHM. In which case you'd be trying to get back into the workplace having had no work experience, nothing to keep you up to date, no colleagues you worked with and a doctorate that's 5+ years old.

And your bloke isn't on the same page as you at all. He resents you. Ditch him.

Bl00berryblues · 18/05/2022 16:28

You want a baby

He wants a van (his baby)

I know a couple a people who have 40 year old vans, they spend lots of money on parts & repairs, even though they are both mechanics.

I agree that there are lots of scams relating to vans on the Internet, so beware

You want different things

Original poster
Riley01 · 18/05/2022 16:32

Aprilx · 18/05/2022 16:19

There was nothing to clear up. You have not been working full time towards a career and you won’t even start to do so until you are well into your 30s because you want to finish studying and have children before then. Most people are going to have a decade head start on you in the workplace. There is just something that sits oddly with me, in that you get to delay joining the full time workforce (properly, not work experience or holiday jobs) whilst your boyfriend isn’t allowed to buy his dream van!

Show quote history

It did seem there was things to clear up as you said "hanging around" like I was confused about a career path, wasting time and money with no clear direction. Rather, I have put a lot of hard work and money into where I'm at. All my training has equipped me for my career which I will walk right into... not so much full time work. I do placements alongside studying. Yes, other people will have also got ahead in this time frame, but I wouldn't say they would be ahead of me. Not that it's a race.

It's confusing to me how you think I am delaying joining the work force, when I explained I worked full- time last year alongside my full-time degree because we were in the midst of a pandemic? Usually I work 30 hours a week as standard and my experience is not limited to "work experience" or "holiday jobs".. I have had my current job working 30 hours for 4 years now. Before that I had a couple of maybe 6 months breaks working as a medical secretary and at a solictiors between degrees. I also worked behind a bar and cleaned through earlier years of uni. I'm not sure what else you want to explain that I'm not just chilling at uni whilst my boyfriends working and wants his treat.. that his mean girlfriend isn't letting him have.

As stated, I have never said he cannot have the van- same as I would never tell my boyfriend he couldn't do anything he wanted! He can go and sleep with another woman if he really wanted! Doesn't mean i'll be waiting when he gets back.

OP posts:
Original poster
Riley01 · 18/05/2022 16:38

titchy · 18/05/2022 16:25

I'm assuming clinical psychology? Agree with others though that a couple of years of post qualification work will be far more valuable than trying to job hunt with a small baby - you may decide that you can't be parted from said baby and want to be a SAHM. In which case you'd be trying to get back into the workplace having had no work experience, nothing to keep you up to date, no colleagues you worked with and a doctorate that's 5+ years old.

And your bloke isn't on the same page as you at all. He resents you. Ditch him.

Counselling! I really appreciate your input and agree that your timeline probably would be a lot more sensible. I suppose I'm anxious about leaving it too late and this relationship isn't making me feel secure, either. I feel like it's a race against time for my career vs a baby and if it came down to it, I'd want a baby. I have even considered dropping the degree at times so I can actually afford to pursue another relationship. Anyway, thanks again for the advice.

OP posts:
titchy · 18/05/2022 16:38

How come you haven't finished though? UG by 22, Masters by 23, year out, 24, 4 year Doc 28.

Original poster
Riley01 · 18/05/2022 16:39

beastlyslumber · 18/05/2022 16:08

Oh I would cut your losses, OP. He doesn't sound like he's committed to you or wanting a family, and he's treating you with disrespect and contempt. You are on track to a good career and good life - don't let him sabotage all of that. You're still young and can definitely find someone better to start a family with. Good luck!

thanks so much!

OP posts:
NeverDropYourMooncup · 18/05/2022 16:40

In those two years you could meet somebody who isn't desperate to live like an 18 year old on a gap year.

Keep with your degree.

Don't waste your time on somebody who is mentally around the age of an undergraduate. Because when he gets to 30, he'll still think he's too young or it's boring to be stuck with a kid.

Snowiscold · 18/05/2022 16:47

Are you allowed to use a van to go camping in? I thought lots of campsites don’t allow it.

Original poster
Riley01 · 18/05/2022 16:48

titchy · 18/05/2022 16:38

How come you haven't finished though? UG by 22, Masters by 23, year out, 24, 4 year Doc 28.

Bachelors- 18-21 years old
Year out- worked as a litigation assistant for a solicitors
Masters- 22-23 years old
2 years out- necessary practical work experience for doctorate + extra year because I didn't get into uni first time
Doctorate- 26-27 (first year)
Gap year- presently (going back in Sep)

Sorry for not completing in your (impossibly short) time scale, Titchy! Life happened!

I apologise if I come across bluntly, but my whole adult life has pretty much revolved around this as a dream of mine, so to have my commitment and work ethic questioned is somewhat of a sore point.

OP posts:
Original poster
Riley01 · 18/05/2022 16:49

yesbab · 18/05/2022 15:49

Your boyfriend sounds like he is verbally cruel, has taken advantage of you financially and doesn't want the same things.

On having a baby in two years - agree with PP, without a foothold in work before having children it will be so hard to get yourself in a good financial position given that it looks as though your contributions to the mortgage won't be returned to you. Really, you need to establish yourself in your career for a minimum of a year or two before taking mat leave.

Thank you for the advice, yesbab. I appreciate it.

OP posts:
fuzzyduck1 · 18/05/2022 16:50

Getting a 40year old van makes perfect sense to me.
you save on MOT and TAX and his insurance will be tiny.
there is also the thing that a van of that age actually increases in value year on year.

this is a very sound financial investment.
as you say the house is only in his name does that mean he purchased it himself before you were a couple?

you say your still in education and that you will be earning double what he can earn when qualified. This is of you can find someone to employ you which is not always that easy.

sounds like the guy has been putting in all the effort and now wants to kick back a bit you can’t blame him for that.

If your not on the same wavelength might be time for you to look elsewhere for your happy ever after.

Calmdown14 · 18/05/2022 16:52

From his point of view, I suppose he's done the savings part and got onto the property ladder and he wants to have an adventure while you can.

But, it would worry me to have someone ploughing into this without the proper research. That would actually concern me more than the money.

Unless it is some kind of classic and we are doing him an injustice? He'd be better buying a newer van and his own conversion if he's really into it

Swipe left for the next trending thread